Wednesday, September 29, 2010

One Day's Random Thoughts

OK, here's the deal. My job doesn't really required much brain power. So most of my day has my grey matter sitting in idle. What happens during this time is that I start getting random thoughts that sort of drift through the vast expanse of empty cranium. I decided to write them down as they occurred.
  1. If I have to stare at you for longer than 15 seconds in order to determine if you are male or female, I should have the right to levy a fine against you.
  2. If your first idle thoughts take you to the video game waiting for you at home, it might be high time for you to read a book or two.
  3. If you are on a first date and, for whatever reason, you decide to recite Hamlet's "To be or not to be" soliloquy entirely in Klingon, don't expect a second date.
  4. It follows, however, that if she knows all of Ophelia's lines in Klingon, you may marry her, but not reproduce.
  5. A man that can cook isn't all that surprising. A man that can cook without using copious amounts of cheese, is.
  6. Purchasing and using a deodorant named "Studmuffin" will NOT make it so. It changes your stench, not your DNA.
  7. The slowest, most annoying drivers on the road drive Volvos.
  8. Of those Volvo drivers, the most annoying are the owners of the Volvo Station Wagons.
  9. If your idea of cheese is the kind that does not require refrigeration and/or comes in a jar, get out of the gene pool. Now.
  10. You get extra points if you know that Tumeric is a spice and not the name of a Viking in the 10th century.
  11. There are those that can pull off the "chrome dome" look with class. All the rest, well, Dude, you look like a roll-on.
  12. The problem is that people see alcohol as "liquid courage" when, in point of fact, it should be called, "Instant Stupid Elixir".
  13. There are some yoga positions that should be renamed, "I now know waaaay too much about you".
  14. One of the annoying things about growing older is having a physician that looks like she's twelve years old.
  15. Unless you are a competitive, Olympic class swimmer, burn the Speedo.
  16. Apparently, the list of plausible excuses for being late for work does NOT include, "I just wanted to sleep in".
  17. Be warned: Constantly asking for temporary "Me Time" will eventually result in permanent "Me Time".
  18. If you have your face tattooed, it may say to your friends, "I'm cool. I'm hip. I'm trendy." To everyone else, it says, "I don't wish to be gainfully employed."
  19. One should not endeavor to paint one's car after imbibing one's keg of beer.
  20. Men in eye patches should not be messed with.
  21. Especially if they have a hook instead of a hand.
  22. However, if the eye patched and hooked fellow also has a parrot on his shoulder, then you're at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride and you can mess with him all you want.
  23. Nothing alters your reality so harshly as hearing the songs that fueled the Summers of your youth now being played on the Muzak speakers at the dentist's office.
  24. A guy that knows 80% of the lines to Monty Python's Holy Grail isn't so bad. If that same guy knows 80% of the lines to "Terms of Endearment" then that's wrong. Very, very wrong.
  25. Ad agencies that once used the voice of James Earl Jones now use the voice of Morgan Freeman.
  26. Ad agencies that don't want to use Morgan Freeman can't go too far wrong with using the voice of Sam Elliot.
  27. Keeping abreast of all the current UFO sightings in your area does not an intellectual make.
  28. If you're about to eat an entree that contains the word, "Florentine", just know that you're about to have a whole lot of spinach foisted upon you.
  29. If 14 minutes is too long to make your dinner, it's probably a good time to reassess your scheduling paradigm.
  30. If your idea of dinner is a handful of microwaved fish sticks formed into the shape of little dinosaurs, then you lead a sad, lonely life.
  31. There is no shame at crying at movies. There is, however, ample shame if you cry more than your nine year old niece.
  32. It is not advisable to ridicule "carnies" just before climbing into that County Fair "Whirl-a-Puke" ride.
  33. If the dinner recipe includes the phrase, "Mix in the contents of the Cheesy Powder packet" then, wow. Just, wow.
  34. Any film that sports the Cannes Film Festival palm frond logo will not be about zombies and will not star Bruce Willis.
  35. It's a strange world when preadolescents know more about technology than their grandparents who helped create it.
  36. Respect your elders. They're the ones that created the Atom Bomb using only slide rules and guesswork. In other words, they're scary as heck.
  37. Spending the evening searching YouTube for all your favorite Disco songs of the 70's is not a good usage of your time.
  38. If you decide to paint your body in favorite football team's colors just before you watch the game, at home, alone, then there's a good chance the meds aren't working that well for you.
  39. They say that kids that wear their pants so low that the public can see most of their boxers are just making a statement. And that statement is, "I don't know how to dress."
  40. The coaching tips that you yell from your nose bleed section seats to the players all the way down on the field will NEVER be heeded. Trust me on this.
  41. It is believed that 99% of the people who sniff the wine cork have no idea WHY they're sniffing the wine cork, they just know they're supposed to do it.
  42. It's hard to give a complicated coffee order and maintain your dignity at the same time.
  43. You will buy and bring exactly 2.7 times more food than you need for the camping trip.
  44. But you will never bring enough socks or blankets.
  45. Unless you've dropped acid within the last 12 hours, don't expect to understand any Led Zeppelin song.
  46. The most underrated virtue of a good wife is to tolerate you when you're sick and whiny.
  47. Placing bets on the outcome of the Cola Wars is not a sign of good fiscal responsibility.
  48. It's almost impossible to hear the grammatical phrase, "dangling participle" and not get all Junior High-ish in your thoughts.
  49. Women want equal rights. Until they get cold. Then they just want your coat.
  50. Nature abhors a vacuum. And hairless cats. And probably Pabst beer.
  51. At some point, someone's going to have to tell Angelina Jolie that collecting children is a bad hobby.
  52. Does anyone see the irony in finding so many books written about creating a paperless society?
  53. The simple rule is that there is at least one vowel in each syllable of a word. Failure to grasp this basic fact is the reason why the Balkan States are so angry all the time.
  54. There is a fine line between having someone be a "Facebook Friend" and being stalked by an acquaintance.
  55. You cannot expect to be taken seriously if you speak of environmental concerns then drive off in an SUV the size of a county.
  56. It's great that you have such a high metabolism that allows you to eat whatever and how much you want without gaining weight. Bragging about this to your overweight friends will, however, get your skinny butt squashed like an insignificant bug.
  57. Calling your car by its make (e.g. the Lexus, the Mercedes, the Beemer, etc.) will not garner you any respect, but will, in fact, cause people to mock you mercilessly.

Averages about one obscure thought every 9 minutes. Anyone else have this issue?

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