tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60298543504488270392024-03-13T22:04:31.740-07:00PCW's Comic CafeDanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-78673492798582202692011-08-27T10:41:00.001-07:002011-08-27T11:18:48.180-07:00Just another day in History... 27AUG11The goal here is to have all 366 days done before I die.
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<br />410: The Sacking of Rome by the Visigoths ends. Wal-Mart on Palatine Hill is raided and denuded of all bread and milk.
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<br />1172: Henry the Young King and Margaret of France are crowned as junior king and queen of England. Along with their crowns, they received a pair of Junior King and Queen decoder rings and a key to the Royal tree house out back.
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<br />1776: The Battle of Long Island, in modern day Brooklyn, NY: The British forces defeat the American army under the command of George Washington. This is seen as Washington's biggest set back in his presidential campaign.
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<br />1813: Napoleon Bonaparte defeats a larger force of Austrian, Russians and Prussians. It takes these nations YEARS to get over losing to the French.
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<br />1859: Oil is discovered in Titusville, PA, leading to the world's first commercial oil well. Within a week, gas prices shoot up to 5¢/gallon. Congress begins investigations into price gouging.
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<br />1861: Union forces attack Cape Hatteras, NC. No real reason, it just seemed like a good idea at the time.
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<br />1896: Anglo-Zanzibar War: A war between the United Kingdom and the island nation of Zanzibar. It lasted only 38 minutes, shortest war in history. The Prime Minister in the UK admitted years later that the economy didn't really get that anticipated boost from the war effort.
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<br />1916: Romania declares war against Austria-Hungary 14 months before World War I ends. Just in the nick of time, too.
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<br />1922: The Turkish army takes the Aegean city of Afyonkarahisar from the Greeks. The Greeks, in a bold retaliatory move, drink ouzo until their noses bleed.
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<br />1927: Five Canadian women file a petition to the Supreme Court of Canada, asking, "Does the word 'Persons' in the British North America Act, 1867, include female persons?" To which the Supreme Court of Canada replied, "Yes". Later, each of the Supreme Court justices said that if they answered in the negative, they would've been spending the rest of their lives sleeping on the couch.
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<br />1928: The Kellogg-Briand Pact is signed by 61 nations. The Pact, in short, made war illegal. Eleven years later, WWII started. Nice.
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<br />1985: The Nigerian government is peacefully overthrown by Army Chief of Staff major General Ibrahim Babangida. Gen. Ibrahim calmly walked into the presidential offices and sat down behind the desk while the acting president took a potty break down the hall. Gen. Ibrahim's first act as ruler was to order the bathroom to be relocated closer to his office.
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<br />1991: The European Community recognizes the independence of the Baltic States, Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania. It took Europe a while to recognize the independence because the independence paperwork was wearing a wig and big sunglasses.
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<br />1993: Tokyo completes the Rainbow Bridge connecting Shibaura and the island of Odaiba. Immediately afterwards, reports of thousands of ghost dogs loitering about the North end of the bridge, all seemingly waiting for something or someone.
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<br />2003: Mars makes its closest approach to Earth in nearly 60,000 years. Not quite spitting distance, but the members of the Alpha Tau Omikron fraternity decide to "moon" the passing planet just for good measure.
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<br />Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-23126536746054908202011-08-26T16:13:00.000-07:002011-08-26T16:14:10.498-07:00This Day in History 26AUG11This day in history!!! (It's been a while since I've done this, so, hopefully, your tolerance is up):
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<br />55 BC: Julius Caesar invades England. The Romans move steadily into the interior of the island, but mayhem ensues as the forces near London. It appears that no one informed the Romans about driving on the left or how to negotiate the roundabouts.
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<br />1346: During the Hundred Year's War, the English longbow proves to be superior to the French crossbow. Apparently, the English longbow would've been a really good idea 1400 years previously when Julius came around town.
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<br />1429: Joan of Arc makes her triumphant entry into Paris. She was only 17 at the time and she only had about two years to go before she was burned at the stake. Had she known that beforehand, she might've spent some time down in Marseilles during Spring Break.
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<br />1498: Michaelangelo is commissioned to carve the Pieta which became one of the most exquisite works of art known to man. Unfortunately, the first attempt by the Master was a total mistake as Michaelangelo misunderstood the contract. Even so, when Michaelangelo was done, it was the most beautiful marble carving of a pepperoni and sausage pizza ever.
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<br />1789: In France, the newly formed National Constituent Assembly of France approved the Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen. Up to then, only the Man had rights and the Citizen was completely left out of the process. This was a big step in equal rights for all Citizens everywhere!
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<br />1814: The Chilean War of Independence: The Battle of Las Tres Acequias. It originally started out as the Battle of Las Dos Acequias, but another Acequias showed up at the last moment without an invitation and the whole thing had to be renamed.
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<br />1883: Krakatoa blows up. No, really, it seriously blows up. Vaporizes. The island in the South China Sea just up and explodes. It's important to point out at this time that Zane had nothing to do with it.
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<br />1944: World War II: Charles DeGaulle enters Paris. He, however, doesn't look nearly as cute as Joan of Arc so the turnout isn't as good.
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<br />1966: The Nambian War of Independence starts with the battle at Omugulugwombashe. Although this is the official start of the war, people usually site the battle of Crimsha as the first battle because no one can spell Omugal.. Omuguluggawa... that other name.
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<br />1970: The feminist movement, led by Betty Friedan, leads a nationwide Women's Strike for Equality. You know, after they made the dinner and put the kids to bed first.
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<br />1977: The Charter of the French Language is adopted by the National Assembly of Quebec. No one's been able to understand a thing they've said since.Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-15575053152719686382011-06-17T11:00:00.000-07:002011-06-17T11:03:42.697-07:00Things I'm Not Able To DoI've recently made a discovery. Parents can, supposedly, order their kids with option packages. Ever see those super genius kids? Able to do calculus when they're 6? That kid's parents planned ahead and ordered the ÜberMath option package. Those kids that can play any instrument? The Musician package.<br /><br />Apparently, Mom and Dad, when it came to ask for the additional bonus packages for their son, opted out for the base model. <br /><br />Here are some of the things that they DIDN'T get:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Polaris Orientation Package:</span> This is the package that allows a person to be able to identify True North at any time, anywhere. A person with the POP can be standing in some unknown area, be spun around a thousand times, buried head first into soft peat and have their brains replaced with Lime Jell-O and they can still point to North. I can find North. I can. It just takes me a while. And a compass.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Wrench Identification Module:</span> If the parents pick this option, the kid will be able to look at ANY nut or bolt and say, "Oh, that's an 11/32." Another person could hold up any wrench at random, hold it up about 15 feet from the individual with WIM and the gifted one will be able to tell if it's a 11mm or a 1/2 inch wrench. Me? If I'm working on something, I have to bring every wrench I own to the project cuz I couldn't pick out the correct wrench if it was standing in a police line-up with the Three Musketeers.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Sighting Wildlife Option: </span>This is a biggie. A person with SWO will be walking along some trail, look up and say, "Hey, look! An elk is on that hillside." "Where?" you ask. "Up there. On that hill." The hill to which they refer is over 50 miles away, covered in thick Old Growth and smothered in fog. Slightly frustrated, you say, "What? Where? THAT hill? In the other time zone?!" "Yeah," SWO says, "you can't see it? It's a four point." As a point of reference, my wife, Lisa, has SWO.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Building Giftedness:</span> The one blessed with BG is the one that can build just about anything. I could walk up to a BG, like Jim, and say, "Whatcha working on?" To which Jim would reply, "Oh, nothing much, eh? I've just built this V8 engine for my truck with toothpicks, some old croutons, a shot of whisky and a pair of old boxers. Took almost two hours to do, but it's worth it." I'm not a builder. I have a hard time building a sandwich. I'm one of those guys that can't hammer to save my life. People that have BG can smash a nail into a 4x4 piece of solid teak lumber with one hit. I try to hammer and the area surrounding the nail will look pulverized while the nail is unscathed.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Car Identification Talent:</span> Ever been around that person that can see a small piece of metal and then say, with total confidence, "That's from the bell housing of a 1958 Nash Rambler." Or they can see a Corvette and tell you what year it was built, where it was built and the name of the guy that built it. They can see a part of a car, like just the tail end, four blocks away and tell you what year, make and model of car it was just by the shape of the tail light. I can tell you it's a... car. It has wheels, mostly. Or, if I'm feeling really spunky, it's a truck. To prove that I'm not beyond hope, I've recently learned the term, "Dually".<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Knife Sharpening Ability:</span> This may not seem like much, I agree, but my dad had KSA. He could take a potato chip, any kind of potato chip, you choose, and pull out the sharpening brick thingy. Within two minutes, he would've put an edge on that chip that could slice Uranium. He could fillet fish just by showing the dead thing the knife. I firmly believe that any one of Dad's knives would've cut Obi Wan Kenobi's light saber in twain. I used to watch Dad sharpen a knife and it was like watching an artist. I cannot sharpen knives. Oh, I'm passable, given the right equipment, but not nearly at the Black Belt level of Dad. There was a point in my life where, if a kitchen knife got too dull to use, it was just time to get another.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Threatening Capability:</span> OK, sure, this doesn't seem like a great thing, but it would be nice, just once, to be able to turn on a threatening glare and scare the Holy Cheddar out of someone. I don't have size 15 shoes to wear. I'm not blessed with bulging muscles. Heck, I don't even have a jutting chin to use for intimidation. I'm not talking about walking through this life looking like a barroom brawl about to happen; that's different. I'm just saying that I'd like to have the TC to switch on if the occasion call for it. Enough to make the offending party soil themselves, if need be. Nothing much. Nowadays, if I happen to feel the need to look threatening, people think I'm having a stroke or I've got gas.Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-9206173841714332842011-06-13T19:37:00.000-07:002011-06-13T19:38:59.540-07:00Things I'd Like To Do While On A Long FlightThings I'd like to do on a long plane flight but I know I never will:<br /><br />Halfway through the flight, pull down a big duffle like bag. Tell the person next to you that it's your parachute then ask them where their 'chute is.<br /><br />Create a rumor that the old lady that's sleeping in 4F is the Air Marshal.<br /><br />Knock on the cockpit door and yell, "Hey, what's keeping you so long? I gotta GO!".<br /><br />Build a nine hole mini golf course throughout the cabin.<br /><br />Keep staring out the window and tell people, in a William Shatner voice, "There's.... somethingonthewing!"<br /><br />Try to climb into the overhead compartment and ask the stewardess for a pillow and a blanket.<br /><br />Tell everyone you see that Bob Seeger is up in first class and he's going to film his next music video while in flight.<br /><br />Start a Karaoke party, but only play instrumental music.<br /><br />During the inflight movie, keep asking the stewardess for popcorn, Milk Duds and a large Coke.<br /><br />When it's the most quiet in the cabin, quickly stand up and shout, "Oh, Geez! Who cut one?!"<br /><br />While looking out the window, tell your rowmate that you would swear the plane passed that wave twenty minutes ago.... You're flying in circles! You're lost!<br /><br />Calmly stand up, get to the middle of the aisle in the center of the plane and yell, "It's DANCIN' TIME!" and start groovin'.<br />Tell the lead stewardess that she shouldn't be scared, but Elvis is loitering in the bathroom. Again.<br /><br />If you're in first class, take a peek back into the coach section then tell your other firsties that the peasant class and the rabble are rioting with pitchforks and torches! Hide the silver!<br /><br />If you're in coach, take a peek up into the first class section and then tell the rest of the peasant class and rabble of the elitist scum and bourgeois pigs that are trampling the rights of us, the citizens of the world! Viva la Revolucion!<br /><br />Half way through the flight, put on a WWI pilot's costume, complete with scarf and pilot's hat and start heading to the back, explaining to other passengers that you need to man the tail gun as you're now flying over enemy territory.<br /><br />Tell the guy two rows back that it's his turn to go to the cockpit and fly for a spell.<br /><br />Start walking to the back of the plane. Start to laugh and say, "I CANNOT believe how easy it was to take those handcuffs off!"Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-70576352627973795452011-06-11T10:15:00.000-07:002011-06-11T10:18:17.520-07:00Things For Volunteers To Do At The Railroad MuseumI have a friend who volunteers at a Railroad Museum in Southern California. She told me that the day was going slow, so I tried to thing of things for her to do to wile away the hours.<br /><br />Things to do when things are quiet at the Railroad Museum:<br /><br />Go to the Butcher shop and pick up a cow's femur. Stick the femur into the firebed of the steam locomotive. Watch for their reactions.<br /><br />Take a dollar's worth of pennies and line them up on the track. After the train rolls them flat, tell someone that the flattened coins are their paycheck.<br /><br />Tell people that "this locomotive" was more powerful than Superman, but no one wanted to embarrass the guy so no one said anything.<br /><br />As for the "other locomotive", tell visitors that it was the one that "thought it could" go up that hillside, but was, in fact, a wuss locomotive and couldn't do it. It spent its remaining years being Thomas' sidekick in commercials.<br /><br />Tell another volunteer that they need to check the air pressure in the wheels of the 4-4-2.<br /><br />Argue with a visitor that "this" engine only takes unleaded coal. High octane, at that.<br /><br />Tell some young punk that it's not a cow catcher, but part of the after market aerodynamic package for that model.<br /><br />Caution a visitor that No. 1408 is powered by a nuclear reactor and that, even though the reactor's shielding is in need of serious overhaul, there should be no problems with overexposure. As long as they only stay around it for less than 15-20 seconds. And wear the suits. And go through vigorous decontamination scrub downs afterwards. Enjoy!<br /><br />Put up a sign that says, "Please Do Not Feed The Locomotives".<br /><br />Make up stories about the various hobos that lived in the boxcars.<br /><br />Tell everyone that things are haunted. Everything is haunted. Doesn't matter. That locomotive is haunted. So is that coal car. And the men's bathroom. As well as that brochure. It's all haunted.<br /><br />Choose one locomotive and make it "The One" that did it all. It's the one that took Lincoln to his burial in Illinois. It took Lenin into Russia. It carried the parts for the first atomic bombs. It holds the secret to the Coke Formula. Lee Harvey Oswald used it for target practice. It plowed the Ho Chi Minh trail. It accompanied Christopher Columbus to the New World.<br /><br />Tell people not to touch a certain caboose as it's "in season" and can be temperamental. Put a bunch of caution cones around it for safety.<br /><br />Tell people that you'll be glad to help them if they first go and lift that locomotive over their heads.<br /><br />Answer the phone and act like it's some high grand mucky muck on the other end. When you hang up, tell the director of the museum that Leland Stanford wants his engine back for a coastal trip with Randolf Hearst. Right away.<br /><br />Make up stories for each of the locomotives. How each of them are an endangered species and you're trying to breed them and release them back into the wild.<br /><br />Get a dog leash. Attach it to one of the locomotives and then secure it to a peg in the ground. Tell people that this locomotive tries to run away often.Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-16126081262450783182011-06-10T17:16:00.000-07:002011-06-10T17:17:00.768-07:00Crusades You Never Knew AboutHISTORY LESSON:<br /><br />On paper, there are nine Crusades that took place between the 11th and 13th centuries. There were a number of official crusades that took place in between the numbered ones, like the Albigensian Crusade, the Children's Crusade and the Norwegian Crusade. The actual and technical number of crusades, depending on who you talk to, resides around 20.<br /><br />There are a bunch of Crusades that happened even between the ones that are listed in history books.<br /><br />Like, between the Third and Fourth Crusade, there was the Pi Crusade but it never came to anything as everyone just sort of wandered around in circles.<br /><br />In 1215 there was the a crusade that followed hard on the heels of the Children's Crusade: The Young Bachelor's Crusade. Unfortunately, it only went as far as the beaches in Barcelona during Spring Break.<br /><br />In 1057, before the very first Crusade, there was the Practice Crusade. A bunch of knights piled into an old Volkswagon horse buggy and went on a sight seeing trip to Constantinople and maybe as far Antioch. It's rumored that these knights were witnessed throwing some rocks at the fortress walls and yelling some unkind epithets.<br /><br />During the Fall of 1286, when Crusades were falling out of vogue, another group of knights got together for one last jaunt called the "Hoorah Crusade". One early September morning, the knights left town and made it as far as MacTartan's Pub on the South Road. After 72 hours on a bender, the wives of the knights came and picked them up and took them home.<br /><br />Late in the 12th century, a crusade picked up momentum in the North of France. This time the knights had a plan. This time they were focused. This time it would work. They would retake Jerusalem and set up that chain of Pastry Shops and Hair Salons like they always wanted. Sadly, by the time the group reached Tel Aviv, they were bickering and all sorts of pouty. In fact, it is noted in Gaston's diary that at one point Pierre "slapped Anton silly." Nothing ever came of their crusade.<br /><br />Then there was the crusade that was headed up by legendary Sir Rock Chamberlain, the hero of the Battle of Wispy Breakfast Cereal. This was in 1108, the same year the Birmingham Rabid Ravens beat the Oslo Thin Toupees. Anyway, Sir Rock lead the ragged band of crusaders for the Holy Land. It was a little too late for the crusaders to realize that Sir Rock was directionally challenged. After three weeks of being stranded in Thule, Greenland, the unhappy band of crusaders took the first boat back home, leaving Sir Rock to figure out that "silly little compass thingy".<br /><br />In 1243, Guiseppe Leuvo and his gang of thugs headed out on what was to be the biggest crusade of all. They got as far as the Temple Mount in Jerusalem and told the Sultan that he was not to "cross-a da family. Da family don't do too well wid da likes of YOU comin' onto OUR turf. Youse stay offa da island Sicily." Having said their piece and had passed on the message from their Don, Guiseppe took his entourage on home. Thus ending the Sicilian Crusade.Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-4206870806220425142011-06-04T11:06:00.000-07:002011-06-04T11:07:41.600-07:00BUMPER STICKERS I'd like to see....BUMPER STICKERS!<br /><br />Be yourself. No one else wants the job.<br /><br />If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger. And probably scarred up and looking like twelve miles of bad road.<br /><br />Best things in life are free. Then again, many of the worst things in life are free, like Ebola.<br /><br />We all live downstream. Just know, however, I live more up streamier than you.<br /><br />Unfortunately, minds are NOT like parachutes. Minds are made of organic matter whereas parachutes are mostly nylon. Sheesh.<br /><br />Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons. You can mess with Leprechauns all you want, tho', cuz they're small and don't breathe fire.<br /><br />I'm apathetic and I vote!<br /><br />I'm proof that the government will give a driver's license to just about any gun wielding conspiracy theorist psychotic as long as they pass the proper tests. Imagine THAT.<br /><br />Have you hugged a Box Jellyfish today? Don't.<br /><br />Yardsticks RULE.<br /><br />Why are you reading this bumper sticker? Wouldn't watching the road be a better use of your time?<br /><br />I think it's time that you come to the conclusion that your lack of friends and your constant listening of AM talk radio is connected.<br /><br />Vote for Kona/Hale in 2012! Just in time for the end of the world!<br /><br />Ignorance isn't an excuse. It's an intellectual orientation.<br /><br />If wishes were horses, then... then... wow. That would be really weird.<br /><br />I think it's high time we, as a society, turned our attention to the ADHD crisis that has invaded our childrens.... Hey, nice car. Is that new?Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-80405197784127982032011-05-29T14:10:00.000-07:002011-05-29T14:57:57.172-07:00History Selections for May 29th<span style="font-weight:bold;">363</span> - Roman Emperor Julian defeats the Sassanid army in the Battle of Ctesiphon, under the walls of the Sassanid capital, but is unable to take the city. The Roman Senate censures the Emperor for not finishing the fight against a bunch of people with unpronounceable names.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1176</span>- The Lombard League defeats Emperor Frederick I in four games out of seven.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1660</span> – English Restoration: Charles II is restored to the throne of Great Britain after Parliament promises not to go off half cocked again and start chopping off royal heads again.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1677</span> – Treaty of Middle Plantation establishes peace between the Virginia colonists and the local Natives. The Treaty of Higher Plantation never really took off and the Treaty of the Lower Plantation, well, no one really cared.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1790</span> – Rhode Island becomes the last of the original United States' colonies to ratify the Constitution and is admitted as the 13th U.S. state. The reason for the delay was no one in Congress wanted to admit that Rhode Island was really a state and not just another state park belonging Massachusetts.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1886</span> – Chemist John Pemberton places his first advertisement for Coca-Cola, the ad appearing in the Atlanta Journal. The following week, the DEA raids the laboratory of Pemberton and 3 metric tons of Coke are confiscated. Pemberton is sent to Larryton State Penitentiary for 15 years.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1903</span> – May coup d'etat: Alexander Obrenovich, King of Serbia, and Queen Draga, are assassinated in Belgrade by the Black Hand (Crna Ruka) organization. The Ecru Hand was put out because they felt that the Black Hand had stolen their idea and the MacTartan Clan Hand had lost some street cred for not taking their chance the previous week. All in all, the Black Hand, though successful, was not invited to the All Hands Christmas Ball for years.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1913</span> – Igor Stravinsky's ballet score The Rite of Spring receives its premiere performance in Paris, provoking a riot. Because there's nothing Parisians like better than a good riot over a ballet.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1919</span> - Albert Einstein's theory of general relativity is tested (later confirmed) by Arthur Eddington's observation of a total solar eclipse in Principe and by Andrew Crommelin in Sobral, Ceará, Brazil. Later, Einstein would be heard saying, "What does THAT have to do with anything?"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1919</span> – The Republic of Prekmurje founded. Yeah, go ahead. Try to find it.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1942</span> – Bing Crosby, the Ken Darby Singers and the John Scott Trotter Orchestra record Irving Berlin's "White Christmas", the best-selling Christmas single in history, for Decca Records in Los Angeles. Christmas, be it White or not, was never the same.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1953</span> – Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay become the first people to reach the summit of Mount Everest. After about fifteen minutes, Tenzing turned to Edmund and asked, "Wait, you forgot the inner tube? How are we getting down from here?"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1964</span> – The Arab League meets in East Jerusalem to discuss the ""Palestinian question", leading to the formation of the Palestinian Liberation Organization. Of course, no one really figured out the answer because no one could nail down the actual question.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1999</span> – Olusegun Obasanjo takes office as President of Nigeria, the first elected and civilian head of state in Nigeria after 16 years of military rule. Three days later, huge amounts of money were found in different accounts throughout Nigeria and they started offering it all to anonymous people throughout the world via email. Honest.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">2001</span> – U.S. Supreme Court rules that disabled golfer Casey Martin can use a cart to ride in tournaments. In the same ruling, the Court denied Greg Lovenski the right to compete in the tournaments while on a pogo stick.Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-15983519610972202202011-05-22T19:31:00.000-07:002011-05-22T19:35:58.456-07:00History Lessons for May 22.And just to prove that my brain is completely in neutral, I give you HISTORY for May 22, as found on Puddlepaedia.com:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">334 BC:</span> Alexander the Great's army whups Darius III of Persia in the Battle of Granicus. Later, Alexander would say that this battle was not really fair because Darius III, half way through the fight, cried "Do Over!", but Alexander never payed heed.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1176:</span> The Assassins (aka: Hashshashin) tried to kill Saladin. Historians believe the plot failed because of the Hashshashin were doped up on Ecstasy instead of Heroin due to a supply bottleneck in Detroit.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1377:</span> Pope Gregory XI issued five papal bulls to denounce some Protestant reforms. He also issued three papal goats, a papal rooster and five papal llamas for good measure and to really make his feelings known.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1807:</span> Most of the English town of Chudleigh is destroyed by fire. As a result, the boy's name, "Chudley" never regains its former popularity in English speaking countries.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1826:</span> The HMS Beagle departs for its first historic voyage. There were supposed to be four or five HMS Beagles setting sail that day under the command of Adm. Tallihoe and they were slated to chase down the USS Fox.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1840:</span> The transporting of British convicts to Australia is abolished. They were all diverted to Baltimore instead.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1843:</span> Thousands of people and their cattle start to head West via wagon train from Independence, MO to what will be known as the Oregon Territory. Any person NOT directly descended from these pioneers will NEVER be considered NATIVE OREGONIANS. Just the way it is. Sorry.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1897:</span> The Blackwall Tunnel under the River Thames is opened. Then someone said, "Hey, wouldn't it be a whole lot cheaper if we just, you know, built a BRIDGE?"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1906:</span> The Wright Brothers are granted a US patent for their "Flying Machine". Their younger and more business savvy cousin, Larry Wright, had already copyrighted the term "airplane" the previous month.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1915:</span> Lassen Peak, a volcano in N. California, blows up. Mt. St. Helens takes notes.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1939:</span> Germany and Italy sign the "Pact of Steel". This was more binding than the previous treaties known as the Pacts of Aluminum, Hardened Cake Frosting and Balsa Wood.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1942:</span> Mexico enters WWII on the side of the Allies. A huge sigh of relief as EVERYONE was worried which side they would go.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1960:</span> An earthquake measuring 9.5 on the MMS strikes Chile. Most of the country slides off into the Pacific Ocean, but no one can tell.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1964:</span> President LBJ announces his major goals for his Great Society program. Chief of which is "Party Hats for Everybody!"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1969:</span> Apollo 10's Lunar Module flies only 8 miles above the Moon's surface. Pilot Eugene Cernan was heard to say, "Missed it by THAT much."<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1980:</span> Namco releases an arcade game called "Pac-Man". Couch potato suddenly became a lifestyle choice.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1992:</span> Johnny Carson does his final stint as the host for "The Tonight Show". No one has really cared since.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1992:</span> (Same year as the above event, but not nearly as important) Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia and Slovenia join the UN. It's OK, though, as no one can tell them apart or find them on a map anyway.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">2003: </span>Annika Sörenstam becomes the first woman to play in the PGA Tour. The Good Ol' Boys that comprise the board of the PGA thought they were hiring a new "Sweet Thang" to fill their glasses with Sweet Tea and Bourbon. Imagine their surprise.Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-751625239085981832011-05-21T15:07:00.001-07:002011-05-21T15:10:50.005-07:00Star Trek Lists!!<span style="font-weight:bold;">Failed Star Trek movie productions:</span><br /><br />The Bath of Khan<br />Red Shirted Ensigns' Revenge<br />Battle of Shatner's Corset<br />Memorial Day Picnic and the Romulan Ale Incident<br />Kingon's Green Collar Comedy Tour<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Vulcan Bit Players:</span><br /><br />Borek: Owner/Operator of the 7-Eleven on Broadway and Soquel Ave.<br />Dontgivvahek: Professor of Apathetic Studies at Starfleet Academy<br />Sornek (aka "Giggles"): Vulcan comedian.<br />Francinek: Jewish Vulcan Shadchan (matchmaker) for Pon Farr.<br />Larry: Early Vulcan traveller who's name was changed at Ellis Island in 1897.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Forbidden Items in the Food Replicator:</span><br /><br />Pickled Beets<br />Shrimp Flavored Ramen<br />Velveeta Cheese<br />Brussel Sprouts<br />Gefilte Fish<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Most Requested Items in the Food Replicator:</span><br /><br />Ham Twice Baked Potatoes<br />Dan-o Sandwiches<br />Buster Bar Blizzards<br />Nachos<br />Chocolate Covered Bacon (thanks, Chris. )<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Other Uses for Tribbles:</span><br /><br />Dishwashing scrubbers<br />Review Mirror Decorations<br />Dusters<br />Cat Toys<br />Linked together, they create the much sought-after Tribble Trench Coat<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Future Star Trek Crossover Movie Ideas:</span><br /><br />Care Bear Adventures on Qo'noS (Klingon home planet)<br />Predator v. Kirk<br />Aliens: Amok on USS Enterprise<br />Beverly Hills 90210: Starfleet Academy Years<br />Seinfeld on the Bridge of the Enterprise<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Other Gene Roddenberry Ideas:</span><br /><br />Star Geckos: Lizards that roam around the galaxy looking for succulent banana leaves.<br />Star Flex: Muscle bound idiots lost in the Steroid Nebula<br />Deep Space 1408: Space Station that has all sorts of bad luck.<br />Star Trek: The Next, Next, Next Generation: Wherein Kirk's great-great-great granddaughter works as a janitor onboard the USS Wonky Biscuit.<br />Enterprise, the Ultimate Prequel: Set in the year 1937 and following the life of Greg "Goofy" Kirk and his experimental car body shop.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Scandals Aboard the Enterprise:</span><br /><br />When it comes out that Scotty was actually Welsh.<br />Sulu's DUI in the Delta Sector. He blew a 1.2 while piloting a Grissom class research vessel.<br />When they found that when Spock was on watch on the bridge, he was secretly recording episodes of Sponge Bob for later viewing.<br />Dr. McCoy's moonlighting job as a Chippendale dancer in Boston.<br />Lt. Uhura caught cheating on the Casino moon of Anderal-6.Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-52693879992677163212011-05-01T10:49:00.000-07:002011-05-01T10:55:01.450-07:00Things to do or say during a business meeting.1. Remember, whenever possible, use quotes from Winnie the Pooh to make your point. E.g. “As Winnie the Pooh would say, ‘Tut, tut, looks like rain.’”<br /><br />2. You don’t know it, but that guy across from you, Mr. All Business, likes to watch Teletubbies. Alone. :shock:<br /><br />3. It’s important to remember that in the corporate world, never let them see you sweat. Drooling, however, is OK.<br /><br />4. Don’t forget to do that “stare at the ceiling to see how many people you can get to look, too” trick.<br /><br />5. Ask the presenter if they can translate what they just said into your native tongue. Then choose some ancient dialect like Chaldean or Sanskrit.<br /><br />6. Make today Opposite Day. If they get frustrated, tell them that Opposite Day was scheduled waaaay before the conference.<br /><br />7. Whenever they ask you do do something, tell them that you have to have a consultation first. Then start talking into your purse or a binder, whatever, and then give an answer.<br /><br />8. If the ask if anyone has questions, raise your hand (ala Horschak) and ask random questions. Is that a wig? Did your mom make that tie? etc.<br /><br />9. Make up various and bizarre allergies as excuses why you can’t do something. Allergic to toner is one of my faves.<br /><br />10. End every statement with “...or, as my dog would say, ‘Bark.’”<br /><br />11. Ask everyone if they’re pregnant. Over and over again. Male or female. Twice in the same conversation.<br /><br />12. Ask bizarre political questions at odd times: “So, you’re saying you would vote for Nixon to a third term? even if he’s dead?”<br /><br />13. There is no shame in playing tabletop football during a meeting. There is, however, ample shame if you insist on being the Detroit Lions.<br /><br />14. Why you tell them that something’s a bad idea, reference to the fall of Tyre in 336 BC and say that’s what THEY did.<br /><br />15. If challenged, accuse the challenger of being an un-American fascist.<br /><br />16. Act uber paranoid. Before speaking, cover up something like it has a listening bug. Talk like a spy: The Dogs run in June. Then wink knowingly.<br /><br />17. Go totally OCD. Say you simply cannot continue until so and so straightens out their paper pile or combs their hair.<br /><br />18. Go off on cheese tangents while speaking. Start talking about one thing, but end up talking about how beautiful provolone is.<br /><br />19. Make is so every answer is highly classified and you can’t answer for fear of breaching national security.<br /><br />20. Duck as you go through doorways. Explain to anyone that asks that you were a basketball star in a former life and you can’t seem to break the habit.<br /><br />21. Get indignant and say, “Who used the black toner to copy these papers? I specifically asked for purple ink!”<br /><br />22. Whenever possible, start each sentence with, “This reminds me of that Star Trek episode where....” then make up some weird plot line that has no context with the conversation.<br /><br />23. Pick a random person in the meeting. Ignore them completely.<br /><br />24. Repeatedly ask if it’s time for nachos yet.<br /><br />25. Refer to yourself in the Royal Third Person. “We are not amused.” etc.<br /><br />26. Make every attempt to tell people how much better things were in the Old Country.<br /><br />27. Hold every piece of paper up to the light like you’re looking for hidden messages.<br /><br />28. If someone disagrees with you, challenge them to a duel. “Swords at dawn.”<br /><br />29. Take and record your pulse rate every three minutes.<br /><br />30. Every so often, back away from the table and conduct a series of office chair yoga moves. Or Tai Chi.<br /><br />31. Frequently ask if “this will be on the test.”<br /><br />32. Keep telling the person waaay across the table to stop kicking you.<br /><br />33. Every time a policy comes up, tell them that it was negated by the Treaty of Versailles.<br /><br />34. “Wait, is this in English? Is nothing here done in American?”<br /><br />35. Keep asking if it’s nap time yet or when the graham crackers and milk are coming.<br /><br />36. “Sounds good, but what does the Dalai Lama have to say about this?”<br /><br />37. Crumble up all your paperwork into tight little balls and say that it’s Office Stress Origami.Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-40229462401225033352011-04-28T19:14:00.000-07:002011-04-28T19:15:24.650-07:00Royal Wedding Madness!!<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; ">Well, it's here. There's no way to avoid it now. The Royal Wedding is upon us. Oh, there's going to be frenzy, no doubt about it. Pomp, check. Circumstance, check. Really big hats, check.<br /><br />Although Americans fought and won a vicious and protracted war two centuries ago against the UK, we still have an obsession with all things royal. Case in point, Princess Diana is still a Rainmaker to the cover of People magazine. Right up there with "The World's 50 Sexiest Industrialists and Cabana Boys."<br /><br />OK, maybe "obsession" is a strong word. There are those of us that are still suffering a hangover from the Charles/Diana regalia almost exactly 30 years ago. (Yeah, <b>30 years</b>.) There are probably some of us that aren't all that excited about the upcoming nuptials like others would be. I've seen more people camped outside "Best Buy" waiting for the new iPad than were camped out waiting for a good spot for the Royal Entourage parade.<br /><br />Those of you that are looking forward to all the ritual and glitter that comes with a royal wedding, good on you. (Any bets that Prince Harry will meet some gal and get married in a small chapel officiated by a British Elvis?)<br /><br />There are many of you that are NOT looking forward to the wedding, either because your invite got lost in the post, or you hate weddings or you're not looking forward to the months and months and months of tabloid coverage with various headlines like "Prince William Discovered to Be Lizard Person!" "Kate Has Affair With Bat Boy" or "Aliens Confer Royal Gifts to Newlyweds", etc.<br /><br />If you're one of those that loathe the brouhaha that will come from all this, here is a list of things that you can do that would be a better use of your time.<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Watch reruns of the Charles/Diana wedding and tell yourself, "Well, THAT turned out well."</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Write a new Declaration of Independence to Prince William on behalf of the United States. You know, just to reaffirm our intentions with the upcoming Monarch.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Do damage to your brain with a spoon.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Start an office pool to see what child they will have first: Boy, Girl or some mutated Human/Bat Boy thing.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Watch your cable PPV channel to see if they will air the "QEII/Camilla Wedding Smackdown". Oh, yeah. It's gonna happen.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Tell your gullible coworkers that the Royal Couple will be spending their Honeymoon in the _______ State Park. (use a State Park that is very close to you.)</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Send flowers to yourself at work with a big card that says, "Sorry we missed you at the wedding. Hope to see you soon. Will & Kate"</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Spend hours imagining how fun it would be if a couple thousand Harley riders joined in on the procession in full Sturgis leather riding gear.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Try to bribe the Bishop of Canterbury to do the vows like the guy in "Princess Bride" "Wuv... twoo wuv, wiw fowwoah you fowevah"... (OK, YOU try to spell that out phonetically)</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Crash as many local weddings in your area as you can, wearing a shirt that says, "Too Bad Your Wedding Will Be Forever Overshadowed By That OTHER Couple."</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Take shots of the Royal Wedding from online and Photoshop yourself in as many of them as you can. Sitting next to the Queen, giving the Bishop "bunny ears", kissing the bride, etc.</li></ul></span>Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-75109874203882244242011-04-21T21:02:00.001-07:002011-04-21T21:02:54.161-07:00New Books You've Never Heard Of<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; "><div id="post_message_12269925">Other books by A.A. Milne:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Pooh and the Tax Evasion Charge</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Eeyore and the Bout With Prozac</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The Freudian Interpretation of Pooh's Thousand Acre Wood</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Owl's False Diploma</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The Day Tigger Went Into Rehab</li></ul><br />Sequels to Gone With the Wind:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Gone Even Further On That Darned Wind</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Wishing Gen. Sherman Would Go On That Wind</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Dang Wind Is Playing Havoc With My Hair</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Rhett Butler Investigating the Wind</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Mealy Mouth Melanie Talks About the Wind</li></ul><br />Ernest Hemingway's other books:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Papa Hemingway's Children's book of Depravity and Despair</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Hunting Endangered African Animals for Fun and Profit</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Shotguns I've Met and Loved</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Why I'm a Closet Vegan</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">For Once, Can't I Just Embrace My Feminine Side?!</li></ul><br />Unpublished Charles Schultz books:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Peanuts and the Big Bar Fight</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Pig-Pen and Bath Day</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Linus and His Involvement in the Iran-Contra Affair</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">CIA Agent Snoopy and the Red Baron Water Boarding Scandal</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Charlie Brown's Steroid Use Case</li></ul><br />John Stienbeck's little known books:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Jaunty Little Limericks of Death and Dysfunctionality</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Pleasant Bedside Stories of The Great Depression</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The Day the Pony Died and Other Happy Tales</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Poverty Stricken Migrant Workers and Their Charming Mythos</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Fun Adventures of the Indigent Oyster Farmers of Cannery Row</li></ul><br />Arthur Conan Doyle's other stories:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Wonky Biscuit</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Sherlock Holmes and the Case of My Burnt Morning Toast</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Sherlock Holmes and the Incident With That Idiot at the Pharmacist's</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Watson's Inability to Spell Big Words</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Prof. Moriarty's Using of Nasty Language Around Mrs. Hudson</li></ul><br />Dr. Suess' later works:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Interplay Between the Fascist Stars on Thars and the Anti-Stars Anarchists</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Green Egg Conspiracy Theory</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Hop On Pop Abuse Incident</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Why the Grinch Was Misunderstood By Society</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Horton Was Actually Hearing Impaired</li></ul><br />Dr. Stephen Hawking's works before "Brief History of Time":<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Unfolding Cosmology of That White Chunk in My Pork and Beans</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Pithy Haikus Regarding Black Holes</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Quantum Physics and Motorcycle Repair for Dummies</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">I Know Where Heisenberg Is AND How Fast He's Going</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Favorite Knock Knock Jokes About Worm Holes</li></ul></div></span>Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-19285795063821217252011-04-04T16:30:00.001-07:002011-04-04T16:30:58.380-07:00Random Observances<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; -webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 1px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 1px; ">Some Random Observations of Life:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Über-nerds don't move their arms when they walk.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Never borrow crayons from people who meticulously use the crayon sharpener. They'll never be happy with the returned crayon.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The word, "Fine" has waaaaay too many definitions for everyday conversation. It's best left for the professional talkers.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The building of one's burrito is a very private thing and should never be allowed to be done by strangers.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">No matter how interesting it is, the movie, "Ghostbusters" wasn't based on fact.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Mimicking Sean Connery does not readily translate to mean that you will be as much of a chick magnet as Sean Connery.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Making serious, long lasting relationship decisions via text message should be avoided at all cost.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">A man with a small, nearly hairless dog in his shirt pocket should be not be allowed to mingle with society.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The same goes for a man with a large, muscle bound dog on a stainless steel leash and collar.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">You have the freedom of speech. Apparently, you also have the freedom of stupid. Try not to combine the two.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Pancakes have almost no nutritional value. They do, however, exude in Vitamin Happy.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Most of the best comebacks in the world occur two hours after the conversation has ended.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Using a spice or a seasoning simply because it sounds good is not the best use of your culinary time.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">I'm thinking that most of the caustic and troubling issues brewing in the world could be solved by making a happy, wagging dog the General Secretary of the UN.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">If Pirates had hired Ninjas, history would've been much more interesting.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The truth must come out. Kids: You probably will never have to use geometry or write in cursive. There. I said it.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The ancient Egyptians used to bury their pharaohs with food so that they will have something to eat in the afterlife. I'd like the four meat pizza, please, with pepper jack cheese.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">At some point, we have to ask if Snow White would've really taken that apple from the creepy old woman.</li></ul></span>Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-10499517877813673332011-04-03T16:43:00.001-07:002011-04-03T16:43:22.121-07:00Books I'd Like to See<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; "><div id="post_message_12151006">BOOK TITLES I'D LIKE TO SEE:<br /><br /><b>From Jean Auel:</b><br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Clan of the Nasty Little Buggers</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Hunter/Gatherer Accountants</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">CSI: Neanderthal</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Land of the Bad Tacos</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Annoying Tree Hugging Earth Muffin Clan</li></ul><br /><b>J. K. Rowling:</b><br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Harry Potter and the Botched Tuna Fish Casserole</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Harry Potter and the Unknown Foot Fungus</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Harry Potter and the Tax Audit</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Harry Potter and the Bum Assault Charge</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Harry Potter and the Northern Idaho Militia Scandal</li></ul><br /><b>Mark Twain:</b><br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Tom Sawyer's Book of Quantum Mechanics Theories</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Huck Finn and Injun Joe Go To Washington as Lobbyists</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Steamboats and Their Insidious and Purposeful Destruction of the Mississippian Evironment</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">A Thesis of the Interplay Between the Architects of the Southern Reconstruction and the Displaced Native American</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Wonky Biscuits of the Suez</li></ul><br /><b>Lewis Carrol:</b><br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Alice in Detroit</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Alice Strung Out of Hallucinogenic "Looking Glass" Mushrooms</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Alice and the Mad Hatter's Successful Sit-In Against the Despotic Red Queen</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Wonderland's Annexation of Slovakia</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Cheshire Cat and the Root Canal</li></ul><br /><b>Charles Dickens:</b><br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The Groundhog's Day Carol</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">David Titaniumfield</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Nasty Little Sinus Infection That Disturbs My Soul</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Freaky Clowns That Lurk in My Basement AND NEVER STOP DOING THAT SMALL CAR TRICK!</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">CLOWNS! CLOWNS IN MY GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES!</li></ul><br /><b>Albert Einstein:</b><br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Hey, Look, The Bomb Wasn't Really My Idea, So Quit Calling.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">My Theory of Relativity is Very Relative, Relatively Speaking</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">My Best Hair Style Ideas</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The Uranium and Plutonium Cookbook</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">E=mc^2 Will NOT Help You Make the Perfect Omelette</li></ul><br /><b>Lilian Jackson Braun:</b><br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The Cat Who Slung Hash At Shari's</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The Cat Who Beat the CRAP Outta the Barking, Annoying Dog Next Door</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The Cat Who Engineered Cold Fusion With Two Light Bulbs and a Pickle</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The Cat Who Didn't Really Do Much At All</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The Cat Who Worked Out The Unification Theory</li></ul><br /><b>Dr. Suess:</b><br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">I'm OK, but You're a Total Freak</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">I'm Writing This Tripe So That You'll Buy the Book and I'll Become Rich</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">This Book is Full of Made Up Words</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">OK, Look, Green Eggs are Probably Not All That Good For You</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Blaxor, the Clear-Cutting, Amoral, Hedonistic, Carnivorous and Environmentally Damaging Redneck from Oregon</li><li></li></ul></div></span>Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-22935228940164528702011-03-20T11:14:00.001-07:002011-03-20T11:14:32.462-07:00News from Around the World<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; "><div id="post_message_12056351">AND, since I'm tired about reading the news of doom and gloom, I thought I'd share with you the OTHER things that are happening throughout the world.<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; "><b>Barrilita, SPAIN:</b> Northern village in Spain celebrates 250 years of dirt farming. The residents of Barrilita have been growing the best dirt for over 7 generations. Their certified organic dirt has been all the rage in the US for the last 35 years. "The dirt from Barrilita tastes so much better than the dirt we used to get from Watsonville." said Toomi Sorts of Beverly Hills.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; "><b>Norvogorgos, NORWAY:</b> Up here in the frozen plains of Norway, there is a whole new way of geothermal energy. Argärd Goofersen, the mayor of Norvogorgos, has unveiled the new geothermal plant to astounded scientists who were invited to the town this weekend. As Mayor Goofersen said, "When my great-grandfather was a small boy, he started digging a small hole in his backyard. His mother said to him, 'Guföv! Do you plan on digging to the center of the earth?' He said, 'Yes.'" Apparently, for the last 80 years, the men of the Goofersen family have been digging in that hole until, finally last month, Argärd's brother, Lufska, dug into a pocket of magma 60 miles below the surface. The heat from that magma will generate the turbines of the town and create the energy needed for that whole region. Lufska, the brother of the mayor and the discoverer of the magma pocket is expected to be fine after the numerous surgeries necessary to graft new skin on his smoldering body.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; "><b>Wacky Noodle Ranch, Arizona, US</b>: In this small, backwater town in the unforgiving desert pan of the American Southwest, history has been made. Sheriff Clem Lacomb shot his 5,000th varmint off of the Interstate. Sheriff Lacomb has been shooting varmints off of the Interstate for years. When asked what kind of varmints he had been shooting, the humble Sheriff merely stated, "Aw, you know, varmints. Future roadkill critters. Sometimes one of the Nestor clan would wander by and I'd shoot one of them, too, but mostly just varmints." Most of the "varmints" would be given to the St. Larry Orphanage South of town, he said.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; "><b>Small-Badger-by-the-Sea, Wolfferdshire, ENGLAND:</b> Excitement is at an all time high here in this little village in Southern UK. A retired teacher, Edith Browntoodles, will be awarded the illustrious "Royal Green Stocking of Glamsford" from Prince Samuel later today. Apparently, Miss Browntoodles, back in World War II, was instrumental in the Battle of Slapblinkers Bay. In the early morning hours of April 20th, 1944, a regiment of German commandos tried to infiltrate into this English countryside through Slapblinkers Bay. Miss Browntoodles, then only 19 years old, was able to take different pieces of driftwood and beat off the enemy back into the sea from whence they came. This bit of heroic action was reported but summarily forgotten until the Home Office unearthed them earlier this year. When asked what Miss Browntoodles was doing down at the beach so early that morning, she simply said, "A girl never tells."</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; "><b>Xiagong, CHINA:</b> Central China, rough, nearly uninhabited, mostly ignored. That is until archeologists in that region make startling discoveries like this. It's in Xiagong that part of the Great Wall makes its serpentine path throughout this vast nation. It's in Xiagong that part of the Great Wall has crumbled, exposing some of the inner construction and incredible engineering of that marvel. Archeologist Flavius Porcoutini and his team from Milan, Italy, noted that the Great Wall was built following the course of a previous construct, the Great Fence of China. Apparently, and research is still ongoing, before there was a Great Wall, there was a Great Fence. A nicely done and maintained picket fence that wound up and down, back and forth throughout the Chinese frontier, with little signs that said things like "No Trespassing" or "Keep Out" or "Beware of Dragon". There is a slight possibility, said Dr. Porcoutini, that even before the Great Fence, there was a Great Hedge with possibly even a Great Property Line Tape.</li></ul></div></span>Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-84312881386337734432011-03-13T14:10:00.000-07:002011-03-13T14:12:04.806-07:00A Short Middle Earth Encyclopaedia<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; "><div id="post_message_12012603">We're having a LOTR movie marathon over here. Nice for a rainy Sunday afternoon. Because I've watched this a number of times, I'm able to watch it somewhat halfheartedly while also conducting some research. I've come up with a number of little known fact about "Middle Earth", the universe created by J. R. R. Tolkien.<br /><br /><b>Little known Wizards:</b><br /><br />We all know about Saruman and Gandalf, and, perhaps to those true followers, Radagast. For years, I thought that these were it. I also thought that there were only three classifications of Wizards, e.g. Saruman the White, Gandalf the Grey and Radagast the Brown. However, I've discovered:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Flinkerbatt the Pastel Blue: He had the enviable job of being the Wizard over tropical beaches.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Percival the Paisley: Wizard of the Landed Gentry</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Clem the Denim: Wizard of Trailer Parks and cheap, canned beer.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Jaye the Wool Blend: Urban areas, also known as the Metro-sexual Wizard.</li></ul><br /><b>Rings:</b><br /><br />Three rings were giving to the Elf Royalty. Nine went to the Kings of Men. Seven to the Dwarven Lords. There were also five rings given to English Springer Spaniels who, in short order, lost the rings under the couch.<br /><br /><b>Ages:</b><br /><br />First Age spanned from Creation to the Fall of Morgoth. Second Age was from the Fall of Morgoth to the First Defeat of Sauron. The Third Age was between the First and Second, Final Fall of Sauron. Fourth Age has been deemed the Age of Men.<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The Fifth Age was after the Fall of the Roman Empire to the Beginning of the Age of Reason.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The Sixth Age spanned the years between the Age of Reason through the Industrial Age.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The Seventh Age was between 1973 and 1981, the Disco Age. Of this Age, none shall speak.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">We are Currently in the Eighth Age, or the Age of TR.</li></ul><br /><b>Dwarves in the Hobbit:</b><br /><br />Fili, Kili, Oin, Gloin, Thorin Oakenshield, Dwalin, Balin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dori, Nori, and Ori. The two youngest are Fili and Kili.<br /><br />Supporting this group were lesser known dwarves at that time. Doc was there as were Grumpy and Happy. The Lollipop Kids from Oz helped out some early on, but they creeped everyone out, so they were cut loose. Professor Flitwick could only travel with them for short periods of time due to teaching responsibilities at Hogwarts.<br /><br /><b>Dragons:</b><br /><br />In the Hobbit, there is only one dragon mentioned, the Dreaded Smaug. There were also other, unmentioned dragons:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Garlax: The dragon that ruled over Southern Detroit. Probably the most feared of all the dragons.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Proggy: Sort of the Uncle Dragon that no one invites to the Dragon Reunions. Likes to hang out in Honky Tonk bars in the Bayou.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Terri: Stealthy minx of a dragon.</li></ul><br /><b>Ancillary Characters not in the movies:</b><br /><br />Many aficionados of Middle Earth were sad when Tom Bombadil was not included in the LOTR Trilogy. I was also upset at this omission with the omission of:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Greg Bombadil: Cousin of Tom's, tended the various, and less popular plants like Poison Oak and Kudzu.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Lance Pergoon: The tenth Nagul, held in reserve until needed. Supplemented his Dark Rider salary as an IRS agent.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Nigel Blanderhurst: Press Secretary to Denethor, Steward of Gondor. A really annoying cuss but he did have this really eloquent "spin" on the fall of Osgiliath.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Leroy McChurdle: One of Aragorn's fellow Rangers of the North. Along with his issued long sword, Leroy also carried a brace of the first ever mentioned Colt .45's, "The Peacemaker".</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Doogimir: One of the Riders of Rohan, but had a severe allergy to horses. He rode around on an old, classic Schwinn Stingray with a Banana Seat. Sometimes, during parades and official duties, Doogimir would put playing cards in the spokes.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Lucy Uman: Wife of Saruman. Really, really hated the shaggy, long beard/hair look on her husband. Frequently nagged him to go to a reputable barber.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Pierre du Rond: Younger brother of Elrond, Lord of Rivendell. At the young age of 428, Pierre took his trust fund and went North. There he lived his life and pretty much squandered his inheritance on wild parties and participating in Extreme Snow Sports.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Rusty: Brother of Boromir and Faramir of Gondor. Listed in the annals of Gondorian history as "The Clumsiest Member of the Steward Line". It was Rusty's fault that the first, and second main tower of Minas Tirith fell down.<br /></li></ul><br /><b>Ents:</b><br /><br />We all know Treebeard, the Ent who helped Merry and Pippin, but I was always at a loss as to the other names of the other Ents in the Entmoot:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Bendybranch (Birch): Nice enough guy, just not too bright. As the Ent saying goes, "All branch and no leaf".</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Furrbark (Redwood): Biggest of the lot, and one of the oldest of the Ents. Furrbark comes from the mid-California coast, likes granola, long walks on the beach and frequently breaks up Entmoots with calls for prolonged Group-Hugs and campfire songs.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Hank (Palm Tree): Hank came to the Entmoot from the South Pacific Division, but was, after a long deliberation, kicked out of the Entmoot when it was discovered that Palms are not really trees after all, but a large bush. Last reports have Hank doing well in the region's Bushmoot.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">BarryBerry (Blackberry bush): Not a tree at all, not even confused as a tree, but BarryBerry showed up one day at an Entmoot and no one could ever get him to leave.</li></ul><br /><b>Elven Clans:</b><br /><br />Just like any other hierarchy systems, there are different clans of Elves in Middle Earth. Like the Elves of Lothlorien or the Wood Elves.<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Elves of 9th Street: More of a gang than a proper Elven Clan, the Elves of 9th Street run the local extortion rackets of NYC.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Terrebonne Parish Elves: Deep Louisiana Delta Elves. Mixed with the Cajun and Creole inhabitants of the Bayous. Pretty much kept to themselves and didn't get too involved with the dealings of Middle Earth. Made killer Jambalaya instead of Lembas, the Elven Traveling Bread.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Cloth Elves: A very non-violent Elven Clan. Well known for their various haberdasheries and shoe shops.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The VonElve Family: A very endearing family of Elves that traveled the Swiss and German Alps, singing cute folk songs.</li></ul><br /><b>Hobbits:</b><br /><br />We are familiar with the Baggins clan of the Shire, from which came Bilbo and Frodo. There are other septs, or off-shoots of the Baggins line, such as the Sackville-Baggins'. Here are other relations:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Hoy-Baggins: Unnaturally tall hobbits with inordinately large feet.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Freitas-Baggins: Desert hobbits that were known to live in and among huge packs of dogs.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Campbell-Baggins: Hobbits of the North that would occasionally, and without provocation, paint themselves blue and attack their neighbors.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Gorove-Baggins: Hobbits that lived in the east and had an obsession with explosives. Legend states that the Gorove-Baggins' were the ones that created the initial eruption of Mt. Doom.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Marshall-Decker-Baggins: Eccentric hobbits that were best known for their advocacy of dragons.</li><li></li></ul></div></span>Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-88189798369547842092010-10-03T13:26:00.001-07:002010-10-03T13:26:41.292-07:00Here's a short list of REAL state mottos.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; ">OK, I know that my lists can be irritating, but I was looking at the <b>real</b> State mottos.<br /><br />AK: "North to the Future" So, I guess, South to the Has Been?<br />AR: "The People rule" I think it would be so much better if they updated it to, "The People RULE! Awesome!"<br />CT: "He who transplanted sustains" What the heck does THAT mean?<br />KS: "To the stars through difficulty". Wow. That's comforting.<br />ME: "Dirigo", which is Latin for "I Lead". When I first saw it, I thought it said, "Dingo". Then I thought, "That's the best motto EVER."<br />MD: "Manly deeds, womanly words." Tough, with a high pitched voice. Mike Tyson!<br />MN: "L'étoile du Nord" or "Star of the North". Only motto in French.<br />MT: "Oro y Plata" Latin for "Gold and Silver". Hey, let's just cut to the bottom line here, OK?<br />NH: "Live free or die". In today's environment, that'll probably be changed to "Live free or negotiate" soon.<br />NM: "It grows as it goes" Recently voted as the most Dr Seuss motto in the Union.<br />NC: "To be, rather than to seem" Deep.<br />OR: Translates to mean, "She flies with her own wings". Who thought that up? Who let the guy stoned on 'shrooms in charge of the motto?<br />RI: The oldest of the mottos. Simply, "Hope". Short, sweet, easy to cross-stitch onto pillow shams. The three big criteria.<br />TN: "Agriculture and Commerce". OK, guys, look. A motto is supposed to be inspirational, not the list of economic high points of your state.<br />UT: Industry. See above.<br />VA: "Sic semper tyrannis" Isn't that what John Wilkes Booth said right after shooting Abe Lincoln? That's kinda, I don't know, creepy, you know?<br />WA: OK, ready for this? "Al-ki". It's Chinook jargon for "By and by". Why not just say, "What<i>ever</i>". Means sorta the same.</span>Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-11233819892661109972010-10-03T11:23:00.001-07:002010-10-03T11:23:43.958-07:00State Mottos, Again!<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; ">OK Class, it's time we took a look at the States of the Union again.<br /><br />AL: We do a lot of Southern stuff here and we're comfortable with most of it.<br />AK: Hey, after the Polar Shift in 2012, all this will be a tropical paradise.<br />AZ: We can fry eggs on our sidewalks. In January.<br />AR: We disavow any affiliation with Kansas.<br />CA: Our biggest export is a product called Weird.<br />CT: The bedroom state for NYC.<br />DE: We're the first ones to ratify the Constitution. Haven't done much since, but at least we have THAT.<br />FL: All the heat and humidity of Hawaii, but without the scenery or all those pesky volcanos<br />GA: We have "hick" down to an artform.<br />HI: Our state motto is, "Ua mau ke ea o ka aina i ka pono". We use more vowels than any other state. FTW!<br />ID: We're more than just potatoes. When we figure out just what, we'll let you know.<br />IL: The French colonized us a long time ago. We've gotten over that, can't you?<br />IN: We're in the Midwest. What does actually mean?!<br />IA: Corn. Soy. Corn. Soy. Corn. Soy. That about covers it.<br />KS: Sorta ticked at Arkansas for using our name without permission. Oh, there'll be a court hearing on this, believe you me.<br />KY: Keeping Western Appalachian traditions alive, one still at a time.<br />LA: We have Jazz here. Oh, and malaria, but let's focus on Jazz, OK?<br />ME: Guardians of the Northeast corner. Keeping a close eye on that shady Nova Scotia.<br />MD: Our state name is <b>Mary</b>land and our capitol is <b>Anna</b>polis. The girls run this state, geez.<br />MA: If it wasn't for Cape Cod sticking out there like that, you'd probably never find us.<br />MI: Don't talk to us about Detroit, alright? We're getting treatment for that.<br />MN: We're all the way up here in the attic.<br />MS: After a while, our state name just looks like a typo.<br />MO: We're the "Show Me" state. Just... don't show me that. Or that. Oh, COME ON! Not that either! GAA!<br />MT: Where the Wild West gets a little crazy, too.<br />NE: We're one of the easiest pieces in that little US puzzle you had when you were a kid.<br />NV: Aw, what the heck. We'll just legalize everything.<br />NH: Look, when the presidential candidates would come here to campaign, it was cute... at first. Now, well...<br />NJ: We've got so much attitude, we're going to start to tax it.<br />NM: Not saying it's dry here, but we can make buildings out of mud and not worry about them washing away.<br />NY: I think we could fit one or two more people on Manhattan. Come on, people, scootch in closer.<br />NC: Hey, Virginia and us, we're tight.<br />ND: Our state capitol is named after a sort of doughnut. Gads, that's embarrassing.<br />OH: Our state motto is, "With God, all things are possible". Much better than the first idea: "Slag heap of the U.S."<br />OR: Where the Pacific has been been beating the crap out of us for a long time.<br />PA: We have a city that sits on an underground fire that's been raging since 1962. How awesome is that?!<br />RI: We recently took the entire population of the state on a field trip to the Bronx Zoo. We had popcorn, too.<br />SC: Don't let the name fool you, we're also a little to the West, too.<br />SD: Boring came here and died of boredom. That's gotta suck.<br />TN: If you look at it right, the state sorta looks like a Lego block.<br />TX: We have bigger things here. Bet you didn't know that cuz we're quiet about stuff like that.<br />UT: Great Salt Lake. Alright, fine, it should be Great Salt Unlake, but let's not be difficult.<br />VT: We're the symbiotic twin to New Hampshire. Groovy.<br />VA: Hey! Careful how you say "Norfolk", Yankee!<br />WA: It's a rain forest, People! Of COURSE it's going to rain here!<br />WI: It all boils down to whether or not you love the Packers.<br />WY: Oh, come ON! Rhode Island has two times more people than we do! That's just weird.</span>Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-9754121700784379352010-09-30T17:18:00.000-07:002010-09-30T17:19:19.580-07:00Just a few more....<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; "><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The flame decals on your Kia don't fool anyone.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">If your motorcycle has panniers, saddle bags, a tank bag, a sidecar and it tows one of those little trailers behind, then you might be missing the point, methinks.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Ever look back upon the fashions of twenty years ago and ask, "What the heck was I thinking?"</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Taking a cell phone with you on vacation defeats the "getting away" aspect.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">If you argue and debate about the strategies and tactics used by the characters of a zombie movie, then you probably need to lighten up a smidge.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Those pants never make her butt look big. Never. Neh. Ver. Nevernever.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Yes, you have the right to say, "What<u>ever</u>" to your dad just as he has the right to Gerber slap you into tomorrow.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Just know that many things written online can be misconstrued due to the lack of body language and tonal inflections.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Unless the phrase is, "I hope you suck on rocks and choke, you leaking bag of lutefisk." It's hard to misinterpret that, you know?</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">I think, sometime in the near future, we'll be able to tell our grandkids about our childhoods when we'd sit around and recklessly eat peanuts by the handful.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The people that lived through WWII are often called "The Greatest Generation". Sorta sucks the wind out of our motivational sails, yeah?</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The word, "Feckless" doesn't get used nearly enough.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">To those people that continually get stellar check-ups from the dentist's office every six months: No one really likes you, OK? Freakin' Dentist's pet.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Diets are good. Portion control, counting calories, eating light, all that. But at some point a man must answer the call of the wild to go out and bag himself a big, greasy cheeseburger, fries and a shake.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Hey, I can respect those that are smart, witty, good looking, talented and wealthy just as they can respect that I'm... uh... oh, nevermind.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">To avoid embarrassment, you should know that in formal debates, the phrase, "I hope you eat fanged death, you mutant!" isn't really allowed.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Though it should be.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">You will rarely hear someone request extra cumin at a restaurant.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Yes, the people flying in first class are eating better food than you. But remember, they also will be the first to be squashed when the plane flies into the side of that mountain. There's some comfort in that.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">When you hear the phrase, "Comfort Food", you should translate it in your head to mean, "This is what we cobbled together to eat when we were too poor to buy groceries."</li><li></li></span></div>Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-90548979136371179632010-09-29T18:35:00.000-07:002010-09-29T18:36:13.507-07:00One Day's Random Thoughts<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; ">OK, here's the deal. My job doesn't really required much brain power. So most of my day has my grey matter sitting in idle. What happens during this time is that I start getting random thoughts that sort of drift through the vast expanse of empty cranium. I decided to write them down as they occurred.<br /><ol style="list-style-type: decimal; "><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">If I have to stare at you for longer than 15 seconds in order to determine if you are male or female, I should have the right to levy a fine against you.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">If your first idle thoughts take you to the video game waiting for you at home, it might be high time for you to read a book or two.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">If you are on a first date and, for whatever reason, you decide to recite Hamlet's "To be or not to be" soliloquy entirely in Klingon, don't expect a second date.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">It follows, however, that if she knows all of Ophelia's lines in Klingon, you may marry her, but not reproduce.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">A man that can cook isn't all that surprising. A man that can cook without using copious amounts of cheese, is.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Purchasing and using a deodorant named "Studmuffin" will NOT make it so. It changes your stench, not your DNA.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The slowest, most annoying drivers on the road drive Volvos.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Of those Volvo drivers, the most annoying are the owners of the Volvo Station Wagons.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">If your idea of cheese is the kind that does not require refrigeration and/or comes in a jar, get out of the gene pool. Now.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">You get extra points if you know that Tumeric is a spice and not the name of a Viking in the 10th century.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">There are those that can pull off the "chrome dome" look with class. All the rest, well, Dude, you look like a roll-on.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The problem is that people see alcohol as "liquid courage" when, in point of fact, it should be called, "Instant Stupid Elixir".</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">There are some yoga positions that should be renamed, "I now know waaaay too much about you".</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">One of the annoying things about growing older is having a physician that looks like she's twelve years old.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Unless you are a competitive, Olympic class swimmer, burn the Speedo.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Apparently, the list of plausible excuses for being late for work does NOT include, "I just wanted to sleep in".</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Be warned: Constantly asking for temporary "Me Time" will eventually result in permanent "Me Time".</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">If you have your face tattooed, it may say to your friends, "I'm cool. I'm hip. I'm trendy." To everyone else, it says, "I don't wish to be gainfully employed."</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">One should not endeavor to paint one's car after imbibing one's keg of beer.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Men in eye patches should not be messed with.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Especially if they have a hook instead of a hand.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">However, if the eye patched and hooked fellow also has a parrot on his shoulder, then you're at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride and you can mess with him all you want.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Nothing alters your reality so harshly as hearing the songs that fueled the Summers of your youth now being played on the Muzak speakers at the dentist's office.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">A guy that knows 80% of the lines to Monty Python's Holy Grail isn't so bad. If that same guy knows 80% of the lines to "Terms of Endearment" then that's wrong. Very, very wrong.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Ad agencies that once used the voice of James Earl Jones now use the voice of Morgan Freeman.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Ad agencies that don't want to use Morgan Freeman can't go too far wrong with using the voice of Sam Elliot.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Keeping abreast of all the current UFO sightings in your area does not an intellectual make.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">If you're about to eat an entree that contains the word, "Florentine", just know that you're about to have a whole lot of spinach foisted upon you.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">If 14 minutes is too long to make your dinner, it's probably a good time to reassess your scheduling paradigm.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">If your idea of dinner is a handful of microwaved fish sticks formed into the shape of little dinosaurs, then you lead a sad, lonely life.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">There is no shame at crying at movies. There is, however, ample shame if you cry more than your nine year old niece.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">It is not advisable to ridicule "carnies" just before climbing into that County Fair "Whirl-a-Puke" ride.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">If the dinner recipe includes the phrase, "Mix in the contents of the Cheesy Powder packet" then, wow. Just, wow.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Any film that sports the Cannes Film Festival palm frond logo will not be about zombies and will not star Bruce Willis.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">It's a strange world when preadolescents know more about technology than their grandparents who helped create it.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Respect your elders. They're the ones that created the Atom Bomb using only slide rules and guesswork. In other words, they're scary as heck.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Spending the evening searching YouTube for all your favorite Disco songs of the 70's is not a good usage of your time.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">If you decide to paint your body in favorite football team's colors just before you watch the game, at home, alone, then there's a good chance the meds aren't working that well for you.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">They say that kids that wear their pants so low that the public can see most of their boxers are just making a statement. And that statement is, "I don't know how to dress."</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The coaching tips that you yell from your nose bleed section seats to the players all the way down on the field will NEVER be heeded. Trust me on this.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">It is believed that 99% of the people who sniff the wine cork have no idea WHY they're sniffing the wine cork, they just know they're supposed to do it.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">It's hard to give a complicated coffee order and maintain your dignity at the same time.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">You will buy and bring exactly 2.7 times more food than you need for the camping trip.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">But you will never bring enough socks or blankets.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Unless you've dropped acid within the last 12 hours, don't expect to understand any Led Zeppelin song.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The most underrated virtue of a good wife is to tolerate you when you're sick and whiny.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Placing bets on the outcome of the Cola Wars is not a sign of good fiscal responsibility.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">It's almost impossible to hear the grammatical phrase, "dangling participle" and not get all Junior High-ish in your thoughts.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Women want equal rights. Until they get cold. Then they just want your coat.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Nature abhors a vacuum. And hairless cats. And probably Pabst beer.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">At some point, someone's going to have to tell Angelina Jolie that collecting children is a bad hobby.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Does anyone see the irony in finding so many books written about creating a paperless society?</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The simple rule is that there is at least one vowel in each syllable of a word. Failure to grasp this basic fact is the reason why the Balkan States are so angry all the time.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">There is a fine line between having someone be a "Facebook Friend" and being stalked by an acquaintance.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">You cannot expect to be taken seriously if you speak of environmental concerns then drive off in an SUV the size of a county.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">It's great that you have such a high metabolism that allows you to eat whatever and how much you want without gaining weight. Bragging about this to your overweight friends will, however, get your skinny butt squashed like an insignificant bug.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Calling your car by its make (e.g. the Lexus, the Mercedes, the Beemer, etc.) will not garner you any respect, but will, in fact, cause people to mock you mercilessly.</li></ol><br />Averages about one obscure thought every 9 minutes. Anyone else have this issue?</span>Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-15012421206545045502010-09-16T16:25:00.001-07:002010-09-16T16:25:57.493-07:00New Bumper Stickers!!<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; ">It's that time again!!<br /><br />NEW BUMPER STICKERS!! *imagine crowd cheering here*<br /><br />Anti-Environmental:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Use hard plastic; makes for sturdier landfills</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Ozone Layers fear me</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">I Support Litter Patrols</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">You can have my styrofoam when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">I'm all for Global Warming: it'll save of heating costs, right?</li></ul><br />"Out There" stickers:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Honk if your horn is broken!</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Fig Newton Liberation Front</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The Indian in my Cupboard started a Casino</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Clowns! Clowns in my Distributor Cap!</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Honestly, though, Flying Monkeys aren't all that aerodynamic.</li></ul><br />Political:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Genghis Khan for Emperor</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">I'm the President for the Local Anarchist Committee</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">I watched Lord of the Rings and I VOTE!</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">I'm an Independent Republicrat and I'm voting "Maybe" on Measure 6</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Vote for Larry for Governor cuz I feel sorry for him.</li></ul><br />Questions:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">If I roll three 6's, will my Yahtzee board burst into flames?</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Is the Prius just a seriously atrophied muscle car?</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">If we sold North Dakota to Canada, would anyone notice?</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">At what point do we look at the National Debt and say, "Aw, Heck with it. Let's just buy Bolivia"?</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Shouldn't Non Alcoholic Beer be better labeled "Non Potable Water"?</li></ul></span>Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-71307472743267192932010-09-15T17:19:00.000-07:002010-09-15T17:20:10.273-07:00Headlines I'd Like to See<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; ">I've been a news hound for years. I love reading news. Lately, though, it's been really depressing. So I've decided to make up some headlines that I'd like to see:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Man in Yellow Hat Smuggles in Monkey: Ebola Fears Abound</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">People With No Stars on Thars Hire ACLU to Represent Them in Case</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Coyote Joins Class Action Suit Against ACME Products</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Mario Found With Illegal Hallucinogenic Mushrooms: Claims "Job Related"</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Cat in the Hat Arrested: Illegal Entry and Child Endangerment</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Sonic Hedgehog Caught in Performance Enhancing Sting Operation. Mark McGuire Testifies: "He was in the bathroom stall next to mine. He was popping PED's like candy. He even had a Pez dispenser full of HGH."</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Salmonella Found in Green Eggs. Sam I. Am Taken Into Custody</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Red Riding Hood Arrested in Grandma Kidnapping Case. Red Blames Mythical "Wolf"</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Just Before Humpty Dumpty "Suicide", Special Counsel Found Links to Clinton Whitewater Scandal.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Scrooge McDuck cited on 12 Counts of Racketeering and In Violation of 7 Anti-Trust Laws</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Spot Mauls Jane</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Little Train That Could Lied to Committee: Hill Not That Steep After All</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Not That Miraculous: Incredible Journey Dog Used GPS</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Sheriff Busts Shaggy in Huge Marijuana Raid. Freddy: "Not that surprised, really."</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Local Farmer Uses Pesticides on Crops- Inadvertently Wipes Out Smurf Colony</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Scrappy Doo Found Shot, "Execution Style", in New Orleans. Crowds Celebrate on Bourbon Street.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Marvin Martian Actually Long Time Resident of Luxembourg</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Fourth Little Pig Found in Personal Concrete and Titanium Bunker in Idaho Panhandle. FBI Discover Huge Weapons Cache</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Pepe le Pew Arrested on Stalking/Harassment Charges.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">PETA Targets Elmer Fudd</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">GI Joe/COBRA Peace Talks Stall</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Speed Racer In Custody For Excessive Speed: 165 mph in School Zone. Mach 5 Impounded</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Dudly Do Right Resigns Commission, Dumps Nell, Trades Horse in on New Harley Then Goes in Search of Snidely Whiplash to "Kick His Mustachioed Butt"</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Orkin Man Accidently Incapacitates Spiderman During Routine Pest Control Job</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Batman Trades in Batmobile for New Batprius</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Nemo's Nautilus Only Able to Go 10-15 Leagues Under the Sea: Disappointing Design Flaw</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Caspar Not That Nice: Dumps Wendy the Witch for Daphne of Scooby Doo Fame</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Truth Comes Out: Popeye HATES Spinach; Prefers Mandarin Oranges</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Mickey Mouse's Squeaky Voice Result of Low Testosterone Levels: Minnie: "This explains a lot."</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Superman: I LIKE Wearing Spandex All The Time</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Captain Kangaroo Actually Wallaby</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Mr. Rogers Wanted to Replace "Trolley" with MagLev Monorail</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Pack of Velociraptors Blamed for Flintstone Disappearance in Bedrock Massacre</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Cookie Monster Originally Slated to be Bloody Hunks of Raw Harp Seal Meat Monster</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Sesame Street's "Count" Deported: Expired Visa</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Judy Not Really George Jetson's Daughter!</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Last Episode of "Lost" Originally Scripted to Include Cast of "Gilligan's Island" in Bizarre Crossover Plot-Twist</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">David the Gnome Paid Informant for Hobbits</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Elmo Snaps: Tells Kids "Quit &^$# Tickling Me! It's %$@+ˆ©¥ Creepy!"</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">"Stone" in Sword and the Stone Dicovered to be Just a Large Buttermilk Biscuit. Arthur Abdicates Amid Riots</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Cinderella's Shoe Shatters: Suffers Severe Lacerations to Left Foot</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Wonder Woman Files Sexual Harassment Suit Against JLA: Says "That Aquaman is a predator!"</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">BP Oil Spill Threatens Sponge Bob's Home Reef</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Ronald McDonald Frustrated Poet: No One Takes Me Seriously</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Diabetes Cases Soar Among Oompa Loompas: Wonka Faces Medical Insurance Nightmare</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Eccentric Hermit Woman Found Dead in Woodland Home: Hansel and Gretel Sought For Questioning</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Nostradamus Admits: "I was plastered on cheap meade while writing most of those Quatrains. I didn't know what the heck I was doing."</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Rust Slows Down Iron Man: Complete Suit Overhaul Needed</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Bullwinkle Did Not Have Enough Credits to Graduate: Whatsamatta U. Revokes Diploma</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Little Orphan Annie, Graduates form UC Berkeley, Disavows Daddy Warbucks as "Merchant of Death"</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Lassie Gets UTI, Ruins Timmy's Bedspread</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">King Kong and Godzilla Team Up to Remake Classic "Road" Movies</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Incredible Hulk's Purple Pants Finally Give Out: Hulk Arrested for Indecent Exposure. "It was just a matter of time, I guess," says Captain America</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">DNA Test Prove That X-Man "Wolverine" Is Actually Badger</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Scarlet Letter Found to be a "Z": Hester Prynne was Zombie!</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">APB Sent Out for Dorothy Gale: Listed as Prime Suspect After Being Seen Fleeing Murder Scene in Western Oz.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">New Finding on Zapruder Film Confirms Charlie Brown as Second Gunman on "Grassy Knoll" During JFK Assassination</li></ul><br />That's the kind of news I'd like to read.</span>Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-47758557236961290852010-07-04T18:19:00.001-07:002010-07-04T18:19:39.417-07:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:12px;"><div id="post_message_10477667">INDEPENDENCE DAY LISTS!<br /><br />Fun things to do during those long sessions in Phillie:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Make John Adams go out for those midnight runs to get Cheese Steak Sandwiches.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Telling Thomas Jefferson he made a spelling error on the Declaration. Again. Rewrite!</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Itching powder in George Washington's wig.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Making fun of Button Gwinett's name.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Calling Rhode Island, "Rhode Acre".</li></ul><br />Irritating things about the Continental Congress:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Listening to Ben Franklin rattle on and on about his newest invention.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Having to try Sam Adams' newest beer experiment.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Having that guy from New Jersey constantly calling for an amendment stating that Betsy Ross is the "Hottest Thing Since Spiced Mead".</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Watching George Washington take out those freakish dentures.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Muggy Summer Nights and Great Coats. 'Nuf said.</li></ul><br />Items not added to the Declaration of Independence:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">AND we're going to drive on the RIGHT side of the road. SO THERE.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">We don't want you as our royal. We'd rather have sports stars and dysfunctional musicians as our role models.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">HEY! YOU! GET OFFA MY CLOUD!</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">We were going to speak for Canada, too, but they're a bunch of England fanboys.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">And when we say, "Indian Savages" we really mean, "Native Americans with diverse and beautiful cultures."</li></ul><br />Commonly held mistruths about the Forefathers:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">George and Martha Washington did not want to be in the political spotlight at all. They had a good jazz gig going in upstate New York when the Revolution broke out.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Thomas Jefferson hated the East coast. He frequently requested annexing Bermuda to the US and making the island the capitol.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Ben Franklin, ambassador to Europe, was so popular that he became the Prime Minister for France three times.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">John Paul Jones, the Colonies' first Admiral of the Navy, originally came to the US to start a hot dog franchise in Connecticut.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">James Madison wore elevator shoes, but they only went up to the third floor, so no one noticed.</li></ul><br />Unknown Battles of the Revolutionary War:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Battle of Wonky Biscuit</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">The Bad Oyster Confrontation</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">"Hit That Snooze Alarm One More Time And I'll Throttle You" Engagement.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Skirmish At That Newspaper Stand on 5th and Lawrence</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Really Short Battle Between 3 and 3:15 Last Saturday</li></ul><br />First Court Cases Brought Before the Newly Formed Supreme Court:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Maryland v. New Jersey, the "Baltimore is cooler than Trenton" case</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">US v. Georgia, the "Are you serious? You're going to talk with that accent ALL THE TIME? We just thought it was a phase" case</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Rhode Island v. US, the "Everybody Quit Picking On Me!" case, or "Whiny State" incident.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Massachusetts v. US, the "Isn't Anyone Going To Clean Up All This Tea?" case.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">United States Coast Guard v. George Washington, et al., the "You Didn't Wear Lifejackets While Crossing The Delaware" case.</li></ul><br />Failed Patriotic Phrases:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">"Hey! Don't Get Me Started! I Mean It! Hey! HEY!"</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">"We're Angry and We're Not Gonna Take It"</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">"HEY! YOU! GET OFFA MY CLOUD!"</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">"Can't We All Just Get Along?"</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">"You Wouldn't Do This If This Was Canada!"</li></ul><br />First Five Bills To Pass Congress:<br /><ul><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Congressional Pay raise.</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Congressional Cost of Living Adjustments</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Holiday pay rates for the House and Senate</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Medical Benefit package for Congress</li><li style="font: normal normal normal 9pt/normal verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; ">Pension Trust Fund for the Legislative Branch</li></ul></div></span>Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6029854350448827039.post-65840828246120036912010-06-18T09:48:00.001-07:002010-06-18T09:54:48.053-07:00Baby facts<span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:12px;">When a couple has their first child, nothing is too good for that infant. Nothing is too expensive and nothing is over the top. The second child tames this attitude in the parents slightly. By the time the third child comes along, things are <u>completely</u> different.<br /><br /><b>Foods:</b><br /><br />1st child: Only organic, sterilized and hand prepared foods allowed. Cost is not an issue. Only the incredibly nutrient rich and dense foods will pass the baby's lips. A record of what foods Baby eats along with the amount of vitamins and proteins ingested will be kept for every meal.<br /><br />2nd child: Yeah, OK, Gerbers. Or, maybe we'll mash up some food with one of those baby food things. Forget the "log", that never made sense anyway.<br /><br />3rd child: Hey, kid, you want some of my pizza? You want the pizza, you gotta come over here to get it. Hey, no! get that out of your mouth! Where'd you get that? Oh, wait, that just a Twinkie. You can eat that.<br /><br /><b>Diapers:</b><br /><br />1st: Purest linens from Egypt that are hypo-allergenic and dye free. The talc is imported from the finest manufacturers in Italy. Only holistic aloes and creams from Costa Rica are used for the occasional diaper rash.<br /><br />2nd: Whatever's. On. Sale. Heck, I'll put a bumper sticker on my car that reads, "I Support My Local Landfill". Johnson & Johnson stuff. And that diaper cream stuff that smells like low tide. Gobs of it.<br /><br />3rd: Shop rags and duct tape. Old T-shirts. Or, if the kid's outside playing with the dogs, nothing at all. The dogs don't seem to mind.<br /><br /><b>Clothes:</b><br /><br />1st: Name brand clothes only. Expensive tennis shoes even though Baby won't walk for another 8 months. Free trade textiles. Hand combed felt from Peruvian free range llamas.<br /><br />2nd: Whatever survived from the first baby. Cheap flannels. Socks that the kid will take off anyway within twenty seconds. Buy clothes that are many sizes too big so that it will take months for the kid to outgrow it.<br /><br />3rd: Clothes? What, is this baby a fashion statement? Is it my fault the baby wasn't born all furry? If it's cold, wrap it in my old coat.<br /><br /><b>Medications:</b><br /><br />1st: Organic and holistic medicines derived from the Amazonian forests. Most of the foods eaten by the baby will boost its immune system and maintain a healthy probiotic state.<br /><br />2nd: Tylenol. Or that store brand that looks like Tylenol. Or whatever.<br /><br />3rd: Shooters of Nyquil.<br /><br /><b>Transportation:</b><br /><br />1st: A car seat that will protect the baby like it was a Faberge egg. When out with the parental unit, a sling made from the fibers from hardwood trees of the Taiwanese rainforests. The baby carriage will be made from recycled materials, be very sturdy yet sporty and have five different airbag systems installed.<br /><br />2nd: Car seat will be bought at Wal*Mart and be the bare minimum necessary to be in compliance with state and local laws. When out and about, either the Wagon/Wheelbarrow or stuffed into a messenger bag.<br /><br />3rd: Wrapped in bubble wrap and duct taped to the back seat. Carried like a sack of potatoes or wheeled around in that Dollar Store cart we found.<br /><br /><b>Early Education:</b><br /><br />1st: Tapes of different languages will be played around the baby throughout the day. Story books will be rich in diverse cultures and morals. Calculus can be taught to babies as early as 6 months. Constantly challenging and invigorating the young mind.<br /><br />2nd: Dr. Seuss and Golden Books like "The Pokey Puppy" and that tugboat one. Alphabet blocks will be provided for the baby so that it will have something to chew on.<br /><br />3rd: Hey, kid, look! The new Guns & Ammo magazine came in. Don't drool too much on it.<br /><br /><b>Expectations:</b><br /><br />1st: Our country's youngest diplomat. Nobel prize by 12. Tenured professor at an Ivy League university by 22.<br /><br />2nd: Graduate from high school. Perhaps some college.<br /><br />3rd: Survive my mad parenting skills.</span>Danhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360757354924275489noreply@blogger.com0