PCW's Comic Cafe

Just another day in History... 27AUG11

2011-08-27T10:41:00.001-07:00

The goal here is to have all 366 days done before I die.

410: The Sacking of Rome by the Visigoths ends. Wal-Mart on Palatine Hill is raided and denuded of all bread and milk.

1172: Henry the Young King and Margaret of France are crowned as junior king and queen of England. Along with their crowns, they received a pair of Junior King and Queen decoder rings and a key to the Royal tree house out back.

1776: The Battle of Long Island, in modern day Brooklyn, NY: The British forces defeat the American army under the command of George Washington. This is seen as Washington's biggest set back in his presidential campaign.

1813: Napoleon Bonaparte defeats a larger force of Austrian, Russians and Prussians. It takes these nations YEARS to get over losing to the French.

1859: Oil is discovered in Titusville, PA, leading to the world's first commercial oil well. Within a week, gas prices shoot up to 5¢/gallon. Congress begins investigations into price gouging.

1861: Union forces attack Cape Hatteras, NC. No real reason, it just seemed like a good idea at the time.

1896: Anglo-Zanzibar War: A war between the United Kingdom and the island nation of Zanzibar. It lasted only 38 minutes, shortest war in history. The Prime Minister in the UK admitted years later that the economy didn't really get that anticipated boost from the war effort.

1916: Romania declares war against Austria-Hungary 14 months before World War I ends. Just in the nick of time, too.

1922: The Turkish army takes the Aegean city of Afyonkarahisar from the Greeks. The Greeks, in a bold retaliatory move, drink ouzo until their noses bleed.

1927: Five Canadian women file a petition to the Supreme Court of Canada, asking, "Does the word 'Persons' in the British North America Act, 1867, include female persons?" To which the Supreme Court of Canada replied, "Yes". Later, each of the Supreme Court justices said that if they answered in the negative, they would've been spending the rest of their lives sleeping on the couch.

1928: The Kellogg-Briand Pact is signed by 61 nations. The Pact, in short, made war illegal. Eleven years later, WWII started. Nice.

1985: The Nigerian government is peacefully overthrown by Army Chief of Staff major General Ibrahim Babangida. Gen. Ibrahim calmly walked into the presidential offices and sat down behind the desk while the acting president took a potty break down the hall. Gen. Ibrahim's first act as ruler was to order the bathroom to be relocated closer to his office.

1991: The European Community recognizes the independence of the Baltic States, Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania. It took Europe a while to recognize the independence because the independence paperwork was wearing a wig and big sunglasses.

1993: Tokyo completes the Rainbow Bridge connecting Shibaura and the island of Odaiba. Immediately afterwards, reports of thousands of ghost dogs loitering about the North end of the bridge, all seemingly waiting for something or someone.

2003: Mars makes its closest approach to Earth in nearly 60,000 years. Not quite spitting distance, but the members of the Alpha Tau Omikron fraternity decide to "moon" the passing planet just for good measure.

This Day in History 26AUG11

2011-08-26T16:13:00.000-07:00

This day in history!!! (It's been a while since I've done this, so, hopefully, your tolerance is up):

55 BC: Julius Caesar invades England. The Romans move steadily into the interior of the island, but mayhem ensues as the forces near London. It appears that no one informed the Romans about driving on the left or how to negotiate the roundabouts.

1346: During the Hundred Year's War, the English longbow proves to be superior to the French crossbow. Apparently, the English longbow would've been a really good idea 1400 years previously when Julius came around town.

1429: Joan of Arc makes her triumphant entry into Paris. She was only 17 at the time and she only had about two years to go before she was burned at the stake. Had she known that beforehand, she might've spent some time down in Marseilles during Spring Break.

1498: Michaelangelo is commissioned to carve the Pieta which became one of the most exquisite works of art known to man. Unfortunately, the first attempt by the Master was a total mistake as Michaelangelo misunderstood the contract. Even so, when Michaelangelo was done, it was the most beautiful marble carving of a pepperoni and sausage pizza ever.

1789: In France, the newly formed National Constituent Assembly of France approved the Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen. Up to then, only the Man had rights and the Citizen was completely left out of the process. This was a big step in equal rights for all Citizens everywhere!

1814: The Chilean War of Independence: The Battle of Las Tres Acequias. It originally started out as the Battle of Las Dos Acequias, but another Acequias showed up at the last moment without an invitation and the whole thing had to be renamed.

1883: Krakatoa blows up. No, really, it seriously blows up. Vaporizes. The island in the South China Sea just up and explodes. It's important to point out at this time that Zane had nothing to do with it.

1944: World War II: Charles DeGaulle enters Paris. He, however, doesn't look nearly as cute as Joan of Arc so the turnout isn't as good.

1966: The Nambian War of Independence starts with the battle at Omugulugwombashe. Although this is the official start of the war, people usually site the battle of Crimsha as the first battle because no one can spell Omugal.. Omuguluggawa... that other name.

1970: The feminist movement, led by Betty Friedan, leads a nationwide Women's Strike for Equality. You know, after they made the dinner and put the kids to bed first.

1977: The Charter of the French Language is adopted by the National Assembly of Quebec. No one's been able to understand a thing they've said since.

Things I'm Not Able To Do

2011-06-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

I've recently made a discovery. Parents can, supposedly, order their kids with option packages. Ever see those super genius kids? Able to do calculus when they're 6? That kid's parents planned ahead and ordered the ÜberMath option package. Those kids that can play any instrument? The Musician package.

Apparently, Mom and Dad, when it came to ask for the additional bonus packages for their son, opted out for the base model.

Here are some of the things that they DIDN'T get:

Polaris Orientation Package: This is the package that allows a person to be able to identify True North at any time, anywhere. A person with the POP can be standing in some unknown area, be spun around a thousand times, buried head first into soft peat and have their brains replaced with Lime Jell-O and they can still point to North. I can find North. I can. It just takes me a while. And a compass.

Wrench Identification Module: If the parents pick this option, the kid will be able to look at ANY nut or bolt and say, "Oh, that's an 11/32." Another person could hold up any wrench at random, hold it up about 15 feet from the individual with WIM and the gifted one will be able to tell if it's a 11mm or a 1/2 inch wrench. Me? If I'm working on something, I have to bring every wrench I own to the project cuz I couldn't pick out the correct wrench if it was standing in a police line-up with the Three Musketeers.

Sighting Wildlife Option: This is a biggie. A person with SWO will be walking along some trail, look up and say, "Hey, look! An elk is on that hillside." "Where?" you ask. "Up there. On that hill." The hill to which they refer is over 50 miles away, covered in thick Old Growth and smothered in fog. Slightly frustrated, you say, "What? Where? THAT hill? In the other time zone?!" "Yeah," SWO says, "you can't see it? It's a four point." As a point of reference, my wife, Lisa, has SWO.

Building Giftedness: The one blessed with BG is the one that can build just about anything. I could walk up to a BG, like Jim, and say, "Whatcha working on?" To which Jim would reply, "Oh, nothing much, eh? I've just built this V8 engine for my truck with toothpicks, some old croutons, a shot of whisky and a pair of old boxers. Took almost two hours to do, but it's worth it." I'm not a builder. I have a hard time building a sandwich. I'm one of those guys that can't hammer to save my life. People that have BG can smash a nail into a 4x4 piece of solid teak lumber with one hit. I try to hammer and the area surrounding the nail will look pulverized while the nail is unscathed.

Car Identification Talent: Ever been around that person that can see a small piece of metal and then say, with total confidence, "That's from the bell housing of a 1958 Nash Rambler." Or they can see a Corvette and tell you what year it was built, where it was built and the name of the guy that built it. They can see a part of a car, like just the tail end, four blocks away and tell you what year, make and model of car it was just by the shape of the tail light. I can tell you it's a... car. It has wheels, mostly. Or, if I'm feeling really spunky, it's a truck. To prove that I'm not beyond hope, I've recently learned the term, "Dually".

Knife Sharpening Ability: This may not seem like much, I agree, but my dad had KSA. He could take a potato chip, any kind of potato chip, you choose, and pull out the sharpening brick thingy. Within two minutes, he would've put an edge on that chip that could slice Uranium. He could fillet fish just by showing the dead thing the knife. I firmly believe that any one of Dad's knives would've cut Obi Wan Kenobi's light saber in twain. I used to watch Dad sharpen a knife and it was like watching an artist. I cannot sharpen knives. Oh, I'm passable, given the right equipment, but not nearly at the Black Belt level of Dad. There was a point in my life where, if a kitchen knife got too dull to use, it was just time to get another.

Threatening Capability: OK, sure, this doesn't seem like a great thing, but it would be nice, just once, to be able to turn on a threatening glare and scare the Holy Cheddar out of someone. I don't have size 15 shoes to wear. I'm not blessed with bulging muscles. Heck, I don't even have a jutting chin to use for intimidation. I'm not talking about walking through this life looking like a barroom brawl about to happen; that's different. I'm just saying that I'd like to have the TC to switch on if the occasion call for it. Enough to make the offending party soil themselves, if need be. Nothing much. Nowadays, if I happen to feel the need to look threatening, people think I'm having a stroke or I've got gas.

Things I'd Like To Do While On A Long Flight

2011-06-13T19:37:00.000-07:00

Things I'd like to do on a long plane flight but I know I never will:

Halfway through the flight, pull down a big duffle like bag. Tell the person next to you that it's your parachute then ask them where their 'chute is.

Create a rumor that the old lady that's sleeping in 4F is the Air Marshal.

Knock on the cockpit door and yell, "Hey, what's keeping you so long? I gotta GO!".

Build a nine hole mini golf course throughout the cabin.

Keep staring out the window and tell people, in a William Shatner voice, "There's.... somethingonthewing!"

Try to climb into the overhead compartment and ask the stewardess for a pillow and a blanket.

Tell everyone you see that Bob Seeger is up in first class and he's going to film his next music video while in flight.

Start a Karaoke party, but only play instrumental music.

During the inflight movie, keep asking the stewardess for popcorn, Milk Duds and a large Coke.

When it's the most quiet in the cabin, quickly stand up and shout, "Oh, Geez! Who cut one?!"

While looking out the window, tell your rowmate that you would swear the plane passed that wave twenty minutes ago.... You're flying in circles! You're lost!

Calmly stand up, get to the middle of the aisle in the center of the plane and yell, "It's DANCIN' TIME!" and start groovin'.
Tell the lead stewardess that she shouldn't be scared, but Elvis is loitering in the bathroom. Again.

If you're in first class, take a peek back into the coach section then tell your other firsties that the peasant class and the rabble are rioting with pitchforks and torches! Hide the silver!

If you're in coach, take a peek up into the first class section and then tell the rest of the peasant class and rabble of the elitist scum and bourgeois pigs that are trampling the rights of us, the citizens of the world! Viva la Revolucion!

Half way through the flight, put on a WWI pilot's costume, complete with scarf and pilot's hat and start heading to the back, explaining to other passengers that you need to man the tail gun as you're now flying over enemy territory.

Tell the guy two rows back that it's his turn to go to the cockpit and fly for a spell.

Start walking to the back of the plane. Start to laugh and say, "I CANNOT believe how easy it was to take those handcuffs off!"

Things For Volunteers To Do At The Railroad Museum

2011-06-11T10:15:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who volunteers at a Railroad Museum in Southern California. She told me that the day was going slow, so I tried to thing of things for her to do to wile away the hours.

Things to do when things are quiet at the Railroad Museum:

Go to the Butcher shop and pick up a cow's femur. Stick the femur into the firebed of the steam locomotive. Watch for their reactions.

Take a dollar's worth of pennies and line them up on the track. After the train rolls them flat, tell someone that the flattened coins are their paycheck.

Tell people that "this locomotive" was more powerful than Superman, but no one wanted to embarrass the guy so no one said anything.

As for the "other locomotive", tell visitors that it was the one that "thought it could" go up that hillside, but was, in fact, a wuss locomotive and couldn't do it. It spent its remaining years being Thomas' sidekick in commercials.

Tell another volunteer that they need to check the air pressure in the wheels of the 4-4-2.

Argue with a visitor that "this" engine only takes unleaded coal. High octane, at that.

Tell some young punk that it's not a cow catcher, but part of the after market aerodynamic package for that model.

Caution a visitor that No. 1408 is powered by a nuclear reactor and that, even though the reactor's shielding is in need of serious overhaul, there should be no problems with overexposure. As long as they only stay around it for less than 15-20 seconds. And wear the suits. And go through vigorous decontamination scrub downs afterwards. Enjoy!

Put up a sign that says, "Please Do Not Feed The Locomotives".

Make up stories about the various hobos that lived in the boxcars.

Tell everyone that things are haunted. Everything is haunted. Doesn't matter. That locomotive is haunted. So is that coal car. And the men's bathroom. As well as that brochure. It's all haunted.

Choose one locomotive and make it "The One" that did it all. It's the one that took Lincoln to his burial in Illinois. It took Lenin into Russia. It carried the parts for the first atomic bombs. It holds the secret to the Coke Formula. Lee Harvey Oswald used it for target practice. It plowed the Ho Chi Minh trail. It accompanied Christopher Columbus to the New World.

Tell people not to touch a certain caboose as it's "in season" and can be temperamental. Put a bunch of caution cones around it for safety.

Tell people that you'll be glad to help them if they first go and lift that locomotive over their heads.

Answer the phone and act like it's some high grand mucky muck on the other end. When you hang up, tell the director of the museum that Leland Stanford wants his engine back for a coastal trip with Randolf Hearst. Right away.

Make up stories for each of the locomotives. How each of them are an endangered species and you're trying to breed them and release them back into the wild.

Get a dog leash. Attach it to one of the locomotives and then secure it to a peg in the ground. Tell people that this locomotive tries to run away often.

Crusades You Never Knew About

2011-06-10T17:16:00.000-07:00

HISTORY LESSON:

On paper, there are nine Crusades that took place between the 11th and 13th centuries. There were a number of official crusades that took place in between the numbered ones, like the Albigensian Crusade, the Children's Crusade and the Norwegian Crusade. The actual and technical number of crusades, depending on who you talk to, resides around 20.

There are a bunch of Crusades that happened even between the ones that are listed in history books.

Like, between the Third and Fourth Crusade, there was the Pi Crusade but it never came to anything as everyone just sort of wandered around in circles.

In 1215 there was the a crusade that followed hard on the heels of the Children's Crusade: The Young Bachelor's Crusade. Unfortunately, it only went as far as the beaches in Barcelona during Spring Break.

In 1057, before the very first Crusade, there was the Practice Crusade. A bunch of knights piled into an old Volkswagon horse buggy and went on a sight seeing trip to Constantinople and maybe as far Antioch. It's rumored that these knights were witnessed throwing some rocks at the fortress walls and yelling some unkind epithets.

During the Fall of 1286, when Crusades were falling out of vogue, another group of knights got together for one last jaunt called the "Hoorah Crusade". One early September morning, the knights left town and made it as far as MacTartan's Pub on the South Road. After 72 hours on a bender, the wives of the knights came and picked them up and took them home.

Late in the 12th century, a crusade picked up momentum in the North of France. This time the knights had a plan. This time they were focused. This time it would work. They would retake Jerusalem and set up that chain of Pastry Shops and Hair Salons like they always wanted. Sadly, by the time the group reached Tel Aviv, they were bickering and all sorts of pouty. In fact, it is noted in Gaston's diary that at one point Pierre "slapped Anton silly." Nothing ever came of their crusade.

Then there was the crusade that was headed up by legendary Sir Rock Chamberlain, the hero of the Battle of Wispy Breakfast Cereal. This was in 1108, the same year the Birmingham Rabid Ravens beat the Oslo Thin Toupees. Anyway, Sir Rock lead the ragged band of crusaders for the Holy Land. It was a little too late for the crusaders to realize that Sir Rock was directionally challenged. After three weeks of being stranded in Thule, Greenland, the unhappy band of crusaders took the first boat back home, leaving Sir Rock to figure out that "silly little compass thingy".

In 1243, Guiseppe Leuvo and his gang of thugs headed out on what was to be the biggest crusade of all. They got as far as the Temple Mount in Jerusalem and told the Sultan that he was not to "cross-a da family. Da family don't do too well wid da likes of YOU comin' onto OUR turf. Youse stay offa da island Sicily." Having said their piece and had passed on the message from their Don, Guiseppe took his entourage on home. Thus ending the Sicilian Crusade.

BUMPER STICKERS I'd like to see....

2011-06-04T11:06:00.000-07:00

BUMPER STICKERS!

Be yourself. No one else wants the job.

If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger. And probably scarred up and looking like twelve miles of bad road.

Best things in life are free. Then again, many of the worst things in life are free, like Ebola.

We all live downstream. Just know, however, I live more up streamier than you.

Unfortunately, minds are NOT like parachutes. Minds are made of organic matter whereas parachutes are mostly nylon. Sheesh.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons. You can mess with Leprechauns all you want, tho', cuz they're small and don't breathe fire.

I'm apathetic and I vote!

I'm proof that the government will give a driver's license to just about any gun wielding conspiracy theorist psychotic as long as they pass the proper tests. Imagine THAT.

Have you hugged a Box Jellyfish today? Don't.

Yardsticks RULE.

Why are you reading this bumper sticker? Wouldn't watching the road be a better use of your time?

I think it's time that you come to the conclusion that your lack of friends and your constant listening of AM talk radio is connected.

Vote for Kona/Hale in 2012! Just in time for the end of the world!

Ignorance isn't an excuse. It's an intellectual orientation.

If wishes were horses, then... then... wow. That would be really weird.

I think it's high time we, as a society, turned our attention to the ADHD crisis that has invaded our childrens.... Hey, nice car. Is that new?

History Selections for May 29th

2011-05-29T14:10:00.000-07:00

363 - Roman Emperor Julian defeats the Sassanid army in the Battle of Ctesiphon, under the walls of the Sassanid capital, but is unable to take the city. The Roman Senate censures the Emperor for not finishing the fight against a bunch of people with unpronounceable names.

1176- The Lombard League defeats Emperor Frederick I in four games out of seven.

1660 – English Restoration: Charles II is restored to the throne of Great Britain after Parliament promises not to go off half cocked again and start chopping off royal heads again.

1677 – Treaty of Middle Plantation establishes peace between the Virginia colonists and the local Natives. The Treaty of Higher Plantation never really took off and the Treaty of the Lower Plantation, well, no one really cared.

1790 – Rhode Island becomes the last of the original United States' colonies to ratify the Constitution and is admitted as the 13th U.S. state. The reason for the delay was no one in Congress wanted to admit that Rhode Island was really a state and not just another state park belonging Massachusetts.

1886 – Chemist John Pemberton places his first advertisement for Coca-Cola, the ad appearing in the Atlanta Journal. The following week, the DEA raids the laboratory of Pemberton and 3 metric tons of Coke are confiscated. Pemberton is sent to Larryton State Penitentiary for 15 years.

1903 – May coup d'etat: Alexander Obrenovich, King of Serbia, and Queen Draga, are assassinated in Belgrade by the Black Hand (Crna Ruka) organization. The Ecru Hand was put out because they felt that the Black Hand had stolen their idea and the MacTartan Clan Hand had lost some street cred for not taking their chance the previous week. All in all, the Black Hand, though successful, was not invited to the All Hands Christmas Ball for years.

1913 – Igor Stravinsky's ballet score The Rite of Spring receives its premiere performance in Paris, provoking a riot. Because there's nothing Parisians like better than a good riot over a ballet.

1919 - Albert Einstein's theory of general relativity is tested (later confirmed) by Arthur Eddington's observation of a total solar eclipse in Principe and by Andrew Crommelin in Sobral, Ceará, Brazil. Later, Einstein would be heard saying, "What does THAT have to do with anything?"

1919 – The Republic of Prekmurje founded. Yeah, go ahead. Try to find it.

1942 – Bing Crosby, the Ken Darby Singers and the John Scott Trotter Orchestra record Irving Berlin's "White Christmas", the best-selling Christmas single in history, for Decca Records in Los Angeles. Christmas, be it White or not, was never the same.

1953 – Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay become the first people to reach the summit of Mount Everest. After about fifteen minutes, Tenzing turned to Edmund and asked, "Wait, you forgot the inner tube? How are we getting down from here?"

1964 – The Arab League meets in East Jerusalem to discuss the ""Palestinian question", leading to the formation of the Palestinian Liberation Organization. Of course, no one really figured out the answer because no one could nail down the actual question.

1999 – Olusegun Obasanjo takes office as President of Nigeria, the first elected and civilian head of state in Nigeria after 16 years of military rule. Three days later, huge amounts of money were found in different accounts throughout Nigeria and they started offering it all to anonymous people throughout the world via email. Honest.

2001 – U.S. Supreme Court rules that disabled golfer Casey Martin can use a cart to ride in tournaments. In the same ruling, the Court denied Greg Lovenski the right to compete in the tournaments while on a pogo stick.

History Lessons for May 22.

2011-05-22T19:31:00.000-07:00

And just to prove that my brain is completely in neutral, I give you HISTORY for May 22, as found on Puddlepaedia.com:

334 BC: Alexander the Great's army whups Darius III of Persia in the Battle of Granicus. Later, Alexander would say that this battle was not really fair because Darius III, half way through the fight, cried "Do Over!", but Alexander never payed heed.

1176: The Assassins (aka: Hashshashin) tried to kill Saladin. Historians believe the plot failed because of the Hashshashin were doped up on Ecstasy instead of Heroin due to a supply bottleneck in Detroit.

1377: Pope Gregory XI issued five papal bulls to denounce some Protestant reforms. He also issued three papal goats, a papal rooster and five papal llamas for good measure and to really make his feelings known.

1807: Most of the English town of Chudleigh is destroyed by fire. As a result, the boy's name, "Chudley" never regains its former popularity in English speaking countries.

1826: The HMS Beagle departs for its first historic voyage. There were supposed to be four or five HMS Beagles setting sail that day under the command of Adm. Tallihoe and they were slated to chase down the USS Fox.

1840: The transporting of British convicts to Australia is abolished. They were all diverted to Baltimore instead.

1843: Thousands of people and their cattle start to head West via wagon train from Independence, MO to what will be known as the Oregon Territory. Any person NOT directly descended from these pioneers will NEVER be considered NATIVE OREGONIANS. Just the way it is. Sorry.

1897: The Blackwall Tunnel under the River Thames is opened. Then someone said, "Hey, wouldn't it be a whole lot cheaper if we just, you know, built a BRIDGE?"

1906: The Wright Brothers are granted a US patent for their "Flying Machine". Their younger and more business savvy cousin, Larry Wright, had already copyrighted the term "airplane" the previous month.

1915: Lassen Peak, a volcano in N. California, blows up. Mt. St. Helens takes notes.

1939: Germany and Italy sign the "Pact of Steel". This was more binding than the previous treaties known as the Pacts of Aluminum, Hardened Cake Frosting and Balsa Wood.

1942: Mexico enters WWII on the side of the Allies. A huge sigh of relief as EVERYONE was worried which side they would go.

1960: An earthquake measuring 9.5 on the MMS strikes Chile. Most of the country slides off into the Pacific Ocean, but no one can tell.

1964: President LBJ announces his major goals for his Great Society program. Chief of which is "Party Hats for Everybody!"

1969: Apollo 10's Lunar Module flies only 8 miles above the Moon's surface. Pilot Eugene Cernan was heard to say, "Missed it by THAT much."

1980: Namco releases an arcade game called "Pac-Man". Couch potato suddenly became a lifestyle choice.

1992: Johnny Carson does his final stint as the host for "The Tonight Show". No one has really cared since.

1992: (Same year as the above event, but not nearly as important) Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia and Slovenia join the UN. It's OK, though, as no one can tell them apart or find them on a map anyway.

2003: Annika Sörenstam becomes the first woman to play in the PGA Tour. The Good Ol' Boys that comprise the board of the PGA thought they were hiring a new "Sweet Thang" to fill their glasses with Sweet Tea and Bourbon. Imagine their surprise.

Star Trek Lists!!

2011-05-21T15:07:00.001-07:00

Failed Star Trek movie productions:

The Bath of Khan
Red Shirted Ensigns' Revenge
Battle of Shatner's Corset
Memorial Day Picnic and the Romulan Ale Incident
Kingon's Green Collar Comedy Tour

Vulcan Bit Players:

Borek: Owner/Operator of the 7-Eleven on Broadway and Soquel Ave.
Dontgivvahek: Professor of Apathetic Studies at Starfleet Academy
Sornek (aka "Giggles"): Vulcan comedian.
Francinek: Jewish Vulcan Shadchan (matchmaker) for Pon Farr.
Larry: Early Vulcan traveller who's name was changed at Ellis Island in 1897.

Forbidden Items in the Food Replicator:

Pickled Beets
Shrimp Flavored Ramen
Velveeta Cheese
Brussel Sprouts
Gefilte Fish

Most Requested Items in the Food Replicator:

Ham Twice Baked Potatoes
Dan-o Sandwiches
Buster Bar Blizzards
Nachos
Chocolate Covered Bacon (thanks, Chris. )

Other Uses for Tribbles:

Dishwashing scrubbers
Review Mirror Decorations
Dusters
Cat Toys
Linked together, they create the much sought-after Tribble Trench Coat

Future Star Trek Crossover Movie Ideas:

Care Bear Adventures on Qo'noS (Klingon home planet)
Predator v. Kirk
Aliens: Amok on USS Enterprise
Beverly Hills 90210: Starfleet Academy Years
Seinfeld on the Bridge of the Enterprise

Other Gene Roddenberry Ideas:

Star Geckos: Lizards that roam around the galaxy looking for succulent banana leaves.
Star Flex: Muscle bound idiots lost in the Steroid Nebula
Deep Space 1408: Space Station that has all sorts of bad luck.
Star Trek: The Next, Next, Next Generation: Wherein Kirk's great-great-great granddaughter works as a janitor onboard the USS Wonky Biscuit.
Enterprise, the Ultimate Prequel: Set in the year 1937 and following the life of Greg "Goofy" Kirk and his experimental car body shop.

Scandals Aboard the Enterprise:

When it comes out that Scotty was actually Welsh.
Sulu's DUI in the Delta Sector. He blew a 1.2 while piloting a Grissom class research vessel.
When they found that when Spock was on watch on the bridge, he was secretly recording episodes of Sponge Bob for later viewing.
Dr. McCoy's moonlighting job as a Chippendale dancer in Boston.
Lt. Uhura caught cheating on the Casino moon of Anderal-6.

Things to do or say during a business meeting.

2011-05-01T10:49:00.000-07:00

1. Remember, whenever possible, use quotes from Winnie the Pooh to make your point. E.g. “As Winnie the Pooh would say, ‘Tut, tut, looks like rain.’”

2. You don’t know it, but that guy across from you, Mr. All Business, likes to watch Teletubbies. Alone. :shock:

3. It’s important to remember that in the corporate world, never let them see you sweat. Drooling, however, is OK.

4. Don’t forget to do that “stare at the ceiling to see how many people you can get to look, too” trick.

5. Ask the presenter if they can translate what they just said into your native tongue. Then choose some ancient dialect like Chaldean or Sanskrit.

6. Make today Opposite Day. If they get frustrated, tell them that Opposite Day was scheduled waaaay before the conference.

7. Whenever they ask you do do something, tell them that you have to have a consultation first. Then start talking into your purse or a binder, whatever, and then give an answer.

8. If the ask if anyone has questions, raise your hand (ala Horschak) and ask random questions. Is that a wig? Did your mom make that tie? etc.

9. Make up various and bizarre allergies as excuses why you can’t do something. Allergic to toner is one of my faves.

10. End every statement with “...or, as my dog would say, ‘Bark.’”

11. Ask everyone if they’re pregnant. Over and over again. Male or female. Twice in the same conversation.

12. Ask bizarre political questions at odd times: “So, you’re saying you would vote for Nixon to a third term? even if he’s dead?”

13. There is no shame in playing tabletop football during a meeting. There is, however, ample shame if you insist on being the Detroit Lions.

14. Why you tell them that something’s a bad idea, reference to the fall of Tyre in 336 BC and say that’s what THEY did.

15. If challenged, accuse the challenger of being an un-American fascist.

16. Act uber paranoid. Before speaking, cover up something like it has a listening bug. Talk like a spy: The Dogs run in June. Then wink knowingly.

17. Go totally OCD. Say you simply cannot continue until so and so straightens out their paper pile or combs their hair.

18. Go off on cheese tangents while speaking. Start talking about one thing, but end up talking about how beautiful provolone is.

19. Make is so every answer is highly classified and you can’t answer for fear of breaching national security.

20. Duck as you go through doorways. Explain to anyone that asks that you were a basketball star in a former life and you can’t seem to break the habit.

21. Get indignant and say, “Who used the black toner to copy these papers? I specifically asked for purple ink!”

22. Whenever possible, start each sentence with, “This reminds me of that Star Trek episode where....” then make up some weird plot line that has no context with the conversation.

23. Pick a random person in the meeting. Ignore them completely.

24. Repeatedly ask if it’s time for nachos yet.

25. Refer to yourself in the Royal Third Person. “We are not amused.” etc.

26. Make every attempt to tell people how much better things were in the Old Country.

27. Hold every piece of paper up to the light like you’re looking for hidden messages.

28. If someone disagrees with you, challenge them to a duel. “Swords at dawn.”

29. Take and record your pulse rate every three minutes.

30. Every so often, back away from the table and conduct a series of office chair yoga moves. Or Tai Chi.

31. Frequently ask if “this will be on the test.”

32. Keep telling the person waaay across the table to stop kicking you.

33. Every time a policy comes up, tell them that it was negated by the Treaty of Versailles.

34. “Wait, is this in English? Is nothing here done in American?”

35. Keep asking if it’s nap time yet or when the graham crackers and milk are coming.

36. “Sounds good, but what does the Dalai Lama have to say about this?”

37. Crumble up all your paperwork into tight little balls and say that it’s Office Stress Origami.

Royal Wedding Madness!!

2011-04-28T19:14:00.000-07:00

Well, it's here. There's no way to avoid it now. The Royal Wedding is upon us. Oh, there's going to be frenzy, no doubt about it. Pomp, check. Circumstance, check. Really big hats, check.

Although Americans fought and won a vicious and protracted war two centuries ago against the UK, we still have an obsession with all things royal. Case in point, Princess Diana is still a Rainmaker to the cover of People magazine. Right up there with "The World's 50 Sexiest Industrialists and Cabana Boys."

OK, maybe "obsession" is a strong word. There are those of us that are still suffering a hangover from the Charles/Diana regalia almost exactly 30 years ago. (Yeah, 30 years.) There are probably some of us that aren't all that excited about the upcoming nuptials like others would be. I've seen more people camped outside "Best Buy" waiting for the new iPad than were camped out waiting for a good spot for the Royal Entourage parade.

Those of you that are looking forward to all the ritual and glitter that comes with a royal wedding, good on you. (Any bets that Prince Harry will meet some gal and get married in a small chapel officiated by a British Elvis?)

There are many of you that are NOT looking forward to the wedding, either because your invite got lost in the post, or you hate weddings or you're not looking forward to the months and months and months of tabloid coverage with various headlines like "Prince William Discovered to Be Lizard Person!" "Kate Has Affair With Bat Boy" or "Aliens Confer Royal Gifts to Newlyweds", etc.

If you're one of those that loathe the brouhaha that will come from all this, here is a list of things that you can do that would be a better use of your time.

Watch reruns of the Charles/Diana wedding and tell yourself, "Well, THAT turned out well."
Write a new Declaration of Independence to Prince William on behalf of the United States. You know, just to reaffirm our intentions with the upcoming Monarch.
Do damage to your brain with a spoon.
Start an office pool to see what child they will have first: Boy, Girl or some mutated Human/Bat Boy thing.
Watch your cable PPV channel to see if they will air the "QEII/Camilla Wedding Smackdown". Oh, yeah. It's gonna happen.
Tell your gullible coworkers that the Royal Couple will be spending their Honeymoon in the _______ State Park. (use a State Park that is very close to you.)
Send flowers to yourself at work with a big card that says, "Sorry we missed you at the wedding. Hope to see you soon. Will & Kate"
Spend hours imagining how fun it would be if a couple thousand Harley riders joined in on the procession in full Sturgis leather riding gear.
Try to bribe the Bishop of Canterbury to do the vows like the guy in "Princess Bride" "Wuv... twoo wuv, wiw fowwoah you fowevah"... (OK, YOU try to spell that out phonetically)
Crash as many local weddings in your area as you can, wearing a shirt that says, "Too Bad Your Wedding Will Be Forever Overshadowed By That OTHER Couple."
Take shots of the Royal Wedding from online and Photoshop yourself in as many of them as you can. Sitting next to the Queen, giving the Bishop "bunny ears", kissing the bride, etc.

New Books You've Never Heard Of

2011-04-21T21:02:00.001-07:00

Other books by A.A. Milne:

Pooh and the Tax Evasion Charge
Eeyore and the Bout With Prozac
The Freudian Interpretation of Pooh's Thousand Acre Wood
Owl's False Diploma
The Day Tigger Went Into Rehab

Sequels to Gone With the Wind:

Gone Even Further On That Darned Wind
Wishing Gen. Sherman Would Go On That Wind
Dang Wind Is Playing Havoc With My Hair
Rhett Butler Investigating the Wind
Mealy Mouth Melanie Talks About the Wind

Ernest Hemingway's other books:

Papa Hemingway's Children's book of Depravity and Despair
Hunting Endangered African Animals for Fun and Profit
Shotguns I've Met and Loved
Why I'm a Closet Vegan
For Once, Can't I Just Embrace My Feminine Side?!

Unpublished Charles Schultz books:

Peanuts and the Big Bar Fight
Pig-Pen and Bath Day
Linus and His Involvement in the Iran-Contra Affair
CIA Agent Snoopy and the Red Baron Water Boarding Scandal
Charlie Brown's Steroid Use Case

John Stienbeck's little known books:

Jaunty Little Limericks of Death and Dysfunctionality
Pleasant Bedside Stories of The Great Depression
The Day the Pony Died and Other Happy Tales
Poverty Stricken Migrant Workers and Their Charming Mythos
Fun Adventures of the Indigent Oyster Farmers of Cannery Row

Arthur Conan Doyle's other stories:

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Wonky Biscuit
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of My Burnt Morning Toast
Sherlock Holmes and the Incident With That Idiot at the Pharmacist's
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Watson's Inability to Spell Big Words
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Prof. Moriarty's Using of Nasty Language Around Mrs. Hudson

Dr. Suess' later works:

Interplay Between the Fascist Stars on Thars and the Anti-Stars Anarchists
Green Egg Conspiracy Theory
Hop On Pop Abuse Incident
Why the Grinch Was Misunderstood By Society
Horton Was Actually Hearing Impaired

Dr. Stephen Hawking's works before "Brief History of Time":

Unfolding Cosmology of That White Chunk in My Pork and Beans
Pithy Haikus Regarding Black Holes
Quantum Physics and Motorcycle Repair for Dummies
I Know Where Heisenberg Is AND How Fast He's Going
Favorite Knock Knock Jokes About Worm Holes

Random Observances

2011-04-04T16:30:00.001-07:00

Some Random Observations of Life:

Über-nerds don't move their arms when they walk.
Never borrow crayons from people who meticulously use the crayon sharpener. They'll never be happy with the returned crayon.
The word, "Fine" has waaaaay too many definitions for everyday conversation. It's best left for the professional talkers.
The building of one's burrito is a very private thing and should never be allowed to be done by strangers.
No matter how interesting it is, the movie, "Ghostbusters" wasn't based on fact.
Mimicking Sean Connery does not readily translate to mean that you will be as much of a chick magnet as Sean Connery.
Making serious, long lasting relationship decisions via text message should be avoided at all cost.
A man with a small, nearly hairless dog in his shirt pocket should be not be allowed to mingle with society.
The same goes for a man with a large, muscle bound dog on a stainless steel leash and collar.
You have the freedom of speech. Apparently, you also have the freedom of stupid. Try not to combine the two.
Pancakes have almost no nutritional value. They do, however, exude in Vitamin Happy.
Most of the best comebacks in the world occur two hours after the conversation has ended.
Using a spice or a seasoning simply because it sounds good is not the best use of your culinary time.
I'm thinking that most of the caustic and troubling issues brewing in the world could be solved by making a happy, wagging dog the General Secretary of the UN.
If Pirates had hired Ninjas, history would've been much more interesting.
The truth must come out. Kids: You probably will never have to use geometry or write in cursive. There. I said it.
The ancient Egyptians used to bury their pharaohs with food so that they will have something to eat in the afterlife. I'd like the four meat pizza, please, with pepper jack cheese.
At some point, we have to ask if Snow White would've really taken that apple from the creepy old woman.

Books I'd Like to See

2011-04-03T16:43:00.001-07:00

BOOK TITLES I'D LIKE TO SEE:

From Jean Auel:

Clan of the Nasty Little Buggers
Hunter/Gatherer Accountants
CSI: Neanderthal
Land of the Bad Tacos
Annoying Tree Hugging Earth Muffin Clan

J. K. Rowling:

Harry Potter and the Botched Tuna Fish Casserole
Harry Potter and the Unknown Foot Fungus
Harry Potter and the Tax Audit
Harry Potter and the Bum Assault Charge
Harry Potter and the Northern Idaho Militia Scandal

Mark Twain:

Tom Sawyer's Book of Quantum Mechanics Theories
Huck Finn and Injun Joe Go To Washington as Lobbyists
Steamboats and Their Insidious and Purposeful Destruction of the Mississippian Evironment
A Thesis of the Interplay Between the Architects of the Southern Reconstruction and the Displaced Native American
Wonky Biscuits of the Suez

Lewis Carrol:

Alice in Detroit
Alice Strung Out of Hallucinogenic "Looking Glass" Mushrooms
Alice and the Mad Hatter's Successful Sit-In Against the Despotic Red Queen
Wonderland's Annexation of Slovakia
Cheshire Cat and the Root Canal

Charles Dickens:

The Groundhog's Day Carol
David Titaniumfield
Nasty Little Sinus Infection That Disturbs My Soul
Freaky Clowns That Lurk in My Basement AND NEVER STOP DOING THAT SMALL CAR TRICK!
CLOWNS! CLOWNS IN MY GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES!

Albert Einstein:

Hey, Look, The Bomb Wasn't Really My Idea, So Quit Calling.
My Theory of Relativity is Very Relative, Relatively Speaking
My Best Hair Style Ideas
The Uranium and Plutonium Cookbook
E=mc^2 Will NOT Help You Make the Perfect Omelette

Lilian Jackson Braun:

The Cat Who Slung Hash At Shari's
The Cat Who Beat the CRAP Outta the Barking, Annoying Dog Next Door
The Cat Who Engineered Cold Fusion With Two Light Bulbs and a Pickle
The Cat Who Didn't Really Do Much At All
The Cat Who Worked Out The Unification Theory

Dr. Suess:

I'm OK, but You're a Total Freak
I'm Writing This Tripe So That You'll Buy the Book and I'll Become Rich
This Book is Full of Made Up Words
OK, Look, Green Eggs are Probably Not All That Good For You
Blaxor, the Clear-Cutting, Amoral, Hedonistic, Carnivorous and Environmentally Damaging Redneck from Oregon

News from Around the World

2011-03-20T11:14:00.001-07:00

AND, since I'm tired about reading the news of doom and gloom, I thought I'd share with you the OTHER things that are happening throughout the world.

Barrilita, SPAIN: Northern village in Spain celebrates 250 years of dirt farming. The residents of Barrilita have been growing the best dirt for over 7 generations. Their certified organic dirt has been all the rage in the US for the last 35 years. "The dirt from Barrilita tastes so much better than the dirt we used to get from Watsonville." said Toomi Sorts of Beverly Hills.
Norvogorgos, NORWAY: Up here in the frozen plains of Norway, there is a whole new way of geothermal energy. Argärd Goofersen, the mayor of Norvogorgos, has unveiled the new geothermal plant to astounded scientists who were invited to the town this weekend. As Mayor Goofersen said, "When my great-grandfather was a small boy, he started digging a small hole in his backyard. His mother said to him, 'Guföv! Do you plan on digging to the center of the earth?' He said, 'Yes.'" Apparently, for the last 80 years, the men of the Goofersen family have been digging in that hole until, finally last month, Argärd's brother, Lufska, dug into a pocket of magma 60 miles below the surface. The heat from that magma will generate the turbines of the town and create the energy needed for that whole region. Lufska, the brother of the mayor and the discoverer of the magma pocket is expected to be fine after the numerous surgeries necessary to graft new skin on his smoldering body.
Wacky Noodle Ranch, Arizona, US: In this small, backwater town in the unforgiving desert pan of the American Southwest, history has been made. Sheriff Clem Lacomb shot his 5,000th varmint off of the Interstate. Sheriff Lacomb has been shooting varmints off of the Interstate for years. When asked what kind of varmints he had been shooting, the humble Sheriff merely stated, "Aw, you know, varmints. Future roadkill critters. Sometimes one of the Nestor clan would wander by and I'd shoot one of them, too, but mostly just varmints." Most of the "varmints" would be given to the St. Larry Orphanage South of town, he said.
Small-Badger-by-the-Sea, Wolfferdshire, ENGLAND: Excitement is at an all time high here in this little village in Southern UK. A retired teacher, Edith Browntoodles, will be awarded the illustrious "Royal Green Stocking of Glamsford" from Prince Samuel later today. Apparently, Miss Browntoodles, back in World War II, was instrumental in the Battle of Slapblinkers Bay. In the early morning hours of April 20th, 1944, a regiment of German commandos tried to infiltrate into this English countryside through Slapblinkers Bay. Miss Browntoodles, then only 19 years old, was able to take different pieces of driftwood and beat off the enemy back into the sea from whence they came. This bit of heroic action was reported but summarily forgotten until the Home Office unearthed them earlier this year. When asked what Miss Browntoodles was doing down at the beach so early that morning, she simply said, "A girl never tells."
Xiagong, CHINA: Central China, rough, nearly uninhabited, mostly ignored. That is until archeologists in that region make startling discoveries like this. It's in Xiagong that part of the Great Wall makes its serpentine path throughout this vast nation. It's in Xiagong that part of the Great Wall has crumbled, exposing some of the inner construction and incredible engineering of that marvel. Archeologist Flavius Porcoutini and his team from Milan, Italy, noted that the Great Wall was built following the course of a previous construct, the Great Fence of China. Apparently, and research is still ongoing, before there was a Great Wall, there was a Great Fence. A nicely done and maintained picket fence that wound up and down, back and forth throughout the Chinese frontier, with little signs that said things like "No Trespassing" or "Keep Out" or "Beware of Dragon". There is a slight possibility, said Dr. Porcoutini, that even before the Great Fence, there was a Great Hedge with possibly even a Great Property Line Tape.

A Short Middle Earth Encyclopaedia

2011-03-13T14:10:00.000-07:00

We're having a LOTR movie marathon over here. Nice for a rainy Sunday afternoon. Because I've watched this a number of times, I'm able to watch it somewhat halfheartedly while also conducting some research. I've come up with a number of little known fact about "Middle Earth", the universe created by J. R. R. Tolkien.

Little known Wizards:

We all know about Saruman and Gandalf, and, perhaps to those true followers, Radagast. For years, I thought that these were it. I also thought that there were only three classifications of Wizards, e.g. Saruman the White, Gandalf the Grey and Radagast the Brown. However, I've discovered:

Flinkerbatt the Pastel Blue: He had the enviable job of being the Wizard over tropical beaches.
Percival the Paisley: Wizard of the Landed Gentry
Clem the Denim: Wizard of Trailer Parks and cheap, canned beer.
Jaye the Wool Blend: Urban areas, also known as the Metro-sexual Wizard.

Rings:

Three rings were giving to the Elf Royalty. Nine went to the Kings of Men. Seven to the Dwarven Lords. There were also five rings given to English Springer Spaniels who, in short order, lost the rings under the couch.

Ages:

First Age spanned from Creation to the Fall of Morgoth. Second Age was from the Fall of Morgoth to the First Defeat of Sauron. The Third Age was between the First and Second, Final Fall of Sauron. Fourth Age has been deemed the Age of Men.

The Fifth Age was after the Fall of the Roman Empire to the Beginning of the Age of Reason.
The Sixth Age spanned the years between the Age of Reason through the Industrial Age.
The Seventh Age was between 1973 and 1981, the Disco Age. Of this Age, none shall speak.
We are Currently in the Eighth Age, or the Age of TR.

Dwarves in the Hobbit:

Fili, Kili, Oin, Gloin, Thorin Oakenshield, Dwalin, Balin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dori, Nori, and Ori. The two youngest are Fili and Kili.

Supporting this group were lesser known dwarves at that time. Doc was there as were Grumpy and Happy. The Lollipop Kids from Oz helped out some early on, but they creeped everyone out, so they were cut loose. Professor Flitwick could only travel with them for short periods of time due to teaching responsibilities at Hogwarts.

Dragons:

In the Hobbit, there is only one dragon mentioned, the Dreaded Smaug. There were also other, unmentioned dragons:

Garlax: The dragon that ruled over Southern Detroit. Probably the most feared of all the dragons.
Proggy: Sort of the Uncle Dragon that no one invites to the Dragon Reunions. Likes to hang out in Honky Tonk bars in the Bayou.
Terri: Stealthy minx of a dragon.

Ancillary Characters not in the movies:

Many aficionados of Middle Earth were sad when Tom Bombadil was not included in the LOTR Trilogy. I was also upset at this omission with the omission of:

Greg Bombadil: Cousin of Tom's, tended the various, and less popular plants like Poison Oak and Kudzu.
Lance Pergoon: The tenth Nagul, held in reserve until needed. Supplemented his Dark Rider salary as an IRS agent.
Nigel Blanderhurst: Press Secretary to Denethor, Steward of Gondor. A really annoying cuss but he did have this really eloquent "spin" on the fall of Osgiliath.
Leroy McChurdle: One of Aragorn's fellow Rangers of the North. Along with his issued long sword, Leroy also carried a brace of the first ever mentioned Colt .45's, "The Peacemaker".
Doogimir: One of the Riders of Rohan, but had a severe allergy to horses. He rode around on an old, classic Schwinn Stingray with a Banana Seat. Sometimes, during parades and official duties, Doogimir would put playing cards in the spokes.
Lucy Uman: Wife of Saruman. Really, really hated the shaggy, long beard/hair look on her husband. Frequently nagged him to go to a reputable barber.
Pierre du Rond: Younger brother of Elrond, Lord of Rivendell. At the young age of 428, Pierre took his trust fund and went North. There he lived his life and pretty much squandered his inheritance on wild parties and participating in Extreme Snow Sports.
Rusty: Brother of Boromir and Faramir of Gondor. Listed in the annals of Gondorian history as "The Clumsiest Member of the Steward Line". It was Rusty's fault that the first, and second main tower of Minas Tirith fell down.

Ents:

We all know Treebeard, the Ent who helped Merry and Pippin, but I was always at a loss as to the other names of the other Ents in the Entmoot:

Bendybranch (Birch): Nice enough guy, just not too bright. As the Ent saying goes, "All branch and no leaf".
Furrbark (Redwood): Biggest of the lot, and one of the oldest of the Ents. Furrbark comes from the mid-California coast, likes granola, long walks on the beach and frequently breaks up Entmoots with calls for prolonged Group-Hugs and campfire songs.
Hank (Palm Tree): Hank came to the Entmoot from the South Pacific Division, but was, after a long deliberation, kicked out of the Entmoot when it was discovered that Palms are not really trees after all, but a large bush. Last reports have Hank doing well in the region's Bushmoot.
BarryBerry (Blackberry bush): Not a tree at all, not even confused as a tree, but BarryBerry showed up one day at an Entmoot and no one could ever get him to leave.

Elven Clans:

Just like any other hierarchy systems, there are different clans of Elves in Middle Earth. Like the Elves of Lothlorien or the Wood Elves.

Elves of 9th Street: More of a gang than a proper Elven Clan, the Elves of 9th Street run the local extortion rackets of NYC.
Terrebonne Parish Elves: Deep Louisiana Delta Elves. Mixed with the Cajun and Creole inhabitants of the Bayous. Pretty much kept to themselves and didn't get too involved with the dealings of Middle Earth. Made killer Jambalaya instead of Lembas, the Elven Traveling Bread.
Cloth Elves: A very non-violent Elven Clan. Well known for their various haberdasheries and shoe shops.
The VonElve Family: A very endearing family of Elves that traveled the Swiss and German Alps, singing cute folk songs.

Hobbits:

We are familiar with the Baggins clan of the Shire, from which came Bilbo and Frodo. There are other septs, or off-shoots of the Baggins line, such as the Sackville-Baggins'. Here are other relations:

Hoy-Baggins: Unnaturally tall hobbits with inordinately large feet.
Freitas-Baggins: Desert hobbits that were known to live in and among huge packs of dogs.
Campbell-Baggins: Hobbits of the North that would occasionally, and without provocation, paint themselves blue and attack their neighbors.
Gorove-Baggins: Hobbits that lived in the east and had an obsession with explosives. Legend states that the Gorove-Baggins' were the ones that created the initial eruption of Mt. Doom.
Marshall-Decker-Baggins: Eccentric hobbits that were best known for their advocacy of dragons.

Here's a short list of REAL state mottos.

2010-10-03T13:26:00.001-07:00

OK, I know that my lists can be irritating, but I was looking at the real State mottos.

AK: "North to the Future" So, I guess, South to the Has Been?
AR: "The People rule" I think it would be so much better if they updated it to, "The People RULE! Awesome!"
CT: "He who transplanted sustains" What the heck does THAT mean?
KS: "To the stars through difficulty". Wow. That's comforting.
ME: "Dirigo", which is Latin for "I Lead". When I first saw it, I thought it said, "Dingo". Then I thought, "That's the best motto EVER."
MD: "Manly deeds, womanly words." Tough, with a high pitched voice. Mike Tyson!
MN: "L'étoile du Nord" or "Star of the North". Only motto in French.
MT: "Oro y Plata" Latin for "Gold and Silver". Hey, let's just cut to the bottom line here, OK?
NH: "Live free or die". In today's environment, that'll probably be changed to "Live free or negotiate" soon.
NM: "It grows as it goes" Recently voted as the most Dr Seuss motto in the Union.
NC: "To be, rather than to seem" Deep.
OR: Translates to mean, "She flies with her own wings". Who thought that up? Who let the guy stoned on 'shrooms in charge of the motto?
RI: The oldest of the mottos. Simply, "Hope". Short, sweet, easy to cross-stitch onto pillow shams. The three big criteria.
TN: "Agriculture and Commerce". OK, guys, look. A motto is supposed to be inspirational, not the list of economic high points of your state.
UT: Industry. See above.
VA: "Sic semper tyrannis" Isn't that what John Wilkes Booth said right after shooting Abe Lincoln? That's kinda, I don't know, creepy, you know?
WA: OK, ready for this? "Al-ki". It's Chinook jargon for "By and by". Why not just say, "Whatever". Means sorta the same.

State Mottos, Again!

2010-10-03T11:23:00.001-07:00

OK Class, it's time we took a look at the States of the Union again.

AL: We do a lot of Southern stuff here and we're comfortable with most of it.
AK: Hey, after the Polar Shift in 2012, all this will be a tropical paradise.
AZ: We can fry eggs on our sidewalks. In January.
AR: We disavow any affiliation with Kansas.
CA: Our biggest export is a product called Weird.
CT: The bedroom state for NYC.
DE: We're the first ones to ratify the Constitution. Haven't done much since, but at least we have THAT.
FL: All the heat and humidity of Hawaii, but without the scenery or all those pesky volcanos
GA: We have "hick" down to an artform.
HI: Our state motto is, "Ua mau ke ea o ka aina i ka pono". We use more vowels than any other state. FTW!
ID: We're more than just potatoes. When we figure out just what, we'll let you know.
IL: The French colonized us a long time ago. We've gotten over that, can't you?
IN: We're in the Midwest. What does actually mean?!
IA: Corn. Soy. Corn. Soy. Corn. Soy. That about covers it.
KS: Sorta ticked at Arkansas for using our name without permission. Oh, there'll be a court hearing on this, believe you me.
KY: Keeping Western Appalachian traditions alive, one still at a time.
LA: We have Jazz here. Oh, and malaria, but let's focus on Jazz, OK?
ME: Guardians of the Northeast corner. Keeping a close eye on that shady Nova Scotia.
MD: Our state name is Maryland and our capitol is Annapolis. The girls run this state, geez.
MA: If it wasn't for Cape Cod sticking out there like that, you'd probably never find us.
MI: Don't talk to us about Detroit, alright? We're getting treatment for that.
MN: We're all the way up here in the attic.
MS: After a while, our state name just looks like a typo.
MO: We're the "Show Me" state. Just... don't show me that. Or that. Oh, COME ON! Not that either! GAA!
MT: Where the Wild West gets a little crazy, too.
NE: We're one of the easiest pieces in that little US puzzle you had when you were a kid.
NV: Aw, what the heck. We'll just legalize everything.
NH: Look, when the presidential candidates would come here to campaign, it was cute... at first. Now, well...
NJ: We've got so much attitude, we're going to start to tax it.
NM: Not saying it's dry here, but we can make buildings out of mud and not worry about them washing away.
NY: I think we could fit one or two more people on Manhattan. Come on, people, scootch in closer.
NC: Hey, Virginia and us, we're tight.
ND: Our state capitol is named after a sort of doughnut. Gads, that's embarrassing.
OH: Our state motto is, "With God, all things are possible". Much better than the first idea: "Slag heap of the U.S."
OR: Where the Pacific has been been beating the crap out of us for a long time.
PA: We have a city that sits on an underground fire that's been raging since 1962. How awesome is that?!
RI: We recently took the entire population of the state on a field trip to the Bronx Zoo. We had popcorn, too.
SC: Don't let the name fool you, we're also a little to the West, too.
SD: Boring came here and died of boredom. That's gotta suck.
TN: If you look at it right, the state sorta looks like a Lego block.
TX: We have bigger things here. Bet you didn't know that cuz we're quiet about stuff like that.
UT: Great Salt Lake. Alright, fine, it should be Great Salt Unlake, but let's not be difficult.
VT: We're the symbiotic twin to New Hampshire. Groovy.
VA: Hey! Careful how you say "Norfolk", Yankee!
WA: It's a rain forest, People! Of COURSE it's going to rain here!
WI: It all boils down to whether or not you love the Packers.
WY: Oh, come ON! Rhode Island has two times more people than we do! That's just weird.

Just a few more....

2010-09-30T17:18:00.000-07:00

The flame decals on your Kia don't fool anyone.

If your motorcycle has panniers, saddle bags, a tank bag, a sidecar and it tows one of those little trailers behind, then you might be missing the point, methinks.

Ever look back upon the fashions of twenty years ago and ask, "What the heck was I thinking?"

Taking a cell phone with you on vacation defeats the "getting away" aspect.

If you argue and debate about the strategies and tactics used by the characters of a zombie movie, then you probably need to lighten up a smidge.

Those pants never make her butt look big. Never. Neh. Ver. Nevernever.

Yes, you have the right to say, "Whatever" to your dad just as he has the right to Gerber slap you into tomorrow.

Just know that many things written online can be misconstrued due to the lack of body language and tonal inflections.

Unless the phrase is, "I hope you suck on rocks and choke, you leaking bag of lutefisk." It's hard to misinterpret that, you know?

I think, sometime in the near future, we'll be able to tell our grandkids about our childhoods when we'd sit around and recklessly eat peanuts by the handful.

The people that lived through WWII are often called "The Greatest Generation". Sorta sucks the wind out of our motivational sails, yeah?

The word, "Feckless" doesn't get used nearly enough.

To those people that continually get stellar check-ups from the dentist's office every six months: No one really likes you, OK? Freakin' Dentist's pet.

Diets are good. Portion control, counting calories, eating light, all that. But at some point a man must answer the call of the wild to go out and bag himself a big, greasy cheeseburger, fries and a shake.

Hey, I can respect those that are smart, witty, good looking, talented and wealthy just as they can respect that I'm... uh... oh, nevermind.

To avoid embarrassment, you should know that in formal debates, the phrase, "I hope you eat fanged death, you mutant!" isn't really allowed.

Though it should be.

You will rarely hear someone request extra cumin at a restaurant.

Yes, the people flying in first class are eating better food than you. But remember, they also will be the first to be squashed when the plane flies into the side of that mountain. There's some comfort in that.

When you hear the phrase, "Comfort Food", you should translate it in your head to mean, "This is what we cobbled together to eat when we were too poor to buy groceries."

One Day's Random Thoughts

2010-09-29T18:35:00.000-07:00

OK, here's the deal. My job doesn't really required much brain power. So most of my day has my grey matter sitting in idle. What happens during this time is that I start getting random thoughts that sort of drift through the vast expanse of empty cranium. I decided to write them down as they occurred.

If I have to stare at you for longer than 15 seconds in order to determine if you are male or female, I should have the right to levy a fine against you.
If your first idle thoughts take you to the video game waiting for you at home, it might be high time for you to read a book or two.
If you are on a first date and, for whatever reason, you decide to recite Hamlet's "To be or not to be" soliloquy entirely in Klingon, don't expect a second date.
It follows, however, that if she knows all of Ophelia's lines in Klingon, you may marry her, but not reproduce.
A man that can cook isn't all that surprising. A man that can cook without using copious amounts of cheese, is.
Purchasing and using a deodorant named "Studmuffin" will NOT make it so. It changes your stench, not your DNA.
The slowest, most annoying drivers on the road drive Volvos.
Of those Volvo drivers, the most annoying are the owners of the Volvo Station Wagons.
If your idea of cheese is the kind that does not require refrigeration and/or comes in a jar, get out of the gene pool. Now.
You get extra points if you know that Tumeric is a spice and not the name of a Viking in the 10th century.
There are those that can pull off the "chrome dome" look with class. All the rest, well, Dude, you look like a roll-on.
The problem is that people see alcohol as "liquid courage" when, in point of fact, it should be called, "Instant Stupid Elixir".
There are some yoga positions that should be renamed, "I now know waaaay too much about you".
One of the annoying things about growing older is having a physician that looks like she's twelve years old.
Unless you are a competitive, Olympic class swimmer, burn the Speedo.
Apparently, the list of plausible excuses for being late for work does NOT include, "I just wanted to sleep in".
Be warned: Constantly asking for temporary "Me Time" will eventually result in permanent "Me Time".
If you have your face tattooed, it may say to your friends, "I'm cool. I'm hip. I'm trendy." To everyone else, it says, "I don't wish to be gainfully employed."
One should not endeavor to paint one's car after imbibing one's keg of beer.
Men in eye patches should not be messed with.
Especially if they have a hook instead of a hand.
However, if the eye patched and hooked fellow also has a parrot on his shoulder, then you're at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride and you can mess with him all you want.
Nothing alters your reality so harshly as hearing the songs that fueled the Summers of your youth now being played on the Muzak speakers at the dentist's office.
A guy that knows 80% of the lines to Monty Python's Holy Grail isn't so bad. If that same guy knows 80% of the lines to "Terms of Endearment" then that's wrong. Very, very wrong.
Ad agencies that once used the voice of James Earl Jones now use the voice of Morgan Freeman.
Ad agencies that don't want to use Morgan Freeman can't go too far wrong with using the voice of Sam Elliot.
Keeping abreast of all the current UFO sightings in your area does not an intellectual make.
If you're about to eat an entree that contains the word, "Florentine", just know that you're about to have a whole lot of spinach foisted upon you.
If 14 minutes is too long to make your dinner, it's probably a good time to reassess your scheduling paradigm.
If your idea of dinner is a handful of microwaved fish sticks formed into the shape of little dinosaurs, then you lead a sad, lonely life.
There is no shame at crying at movies. There is, however, ample shame if you cry more than your nine year old niece.
It is not advisable to ridicule "carnies" just before climbing into that County Fair "Whirl-a-Puke" ride.
If the dinner recipe includes the phrase, "Mix in the contents of the Cheesy Powder packet" then, wow. Just, wow.
Any film that sports the Cannes Film Festival palm frond logo will not be about zombies and will not star Bruce Willis.
It's a strange world when preadolescents know more about technology than their grandparents who helped create it.
Respect your elders. They're the ones that created the Atom Bomb using only slide rules and guesswork. In other words, they're scary as heck.
Spending the evening searching YouTube for all your favorite Disco songs of the 70's is not a good usage of your time.
If you decide to paint your body in favorite football team's colors just before you watch the game, at home, alone, then there's a good chance the meds aren't working that well for you.
They say that kids that wear their pants so low that the public can see most of their boxers are just making a statement. And that statement is, "I don't know how to dress."
The coaching tips that you yell from your nose bleed section seats to the players all the way down on the field will NEVER be heeded. Trust me on this.
It is believed that 99% of the people who sniff the wine cork have no idea WHY they're sniffing the wine cork, they just know they're supposed to do it.
It's hard to give a complicated coffee order and maintain your dignity at the same time.
You will buy and bring exactly 2.7 times more food than you need for the camping trip.
But you will never bring enough socks or blankets.
Unless you've dropped acid within the last 12 hours, don't expect to understand any Led Zeppelin song.
The most underrated virtue of a good wife is to tolerate you when you're sick and whiny.
Placing bets on the outcome of the Cola Wars is not a sign of good fiscal responsibility.
It's almost impossible to hear the grammatical phrase, "dangling participle" and not get all Junior High-ish in your thoughts.
Women want equal rights. Until they get cold. Then they just want your coat.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And hairless cats. And probably Pabst beer.
At some point, someone's going to have to tell Angelina Jolie that collecting children is a bad hobby.
Does anyone see the irony in finding so many books written about creating a paperless society?
The simple rule is that there is at least one vowel in each syllable of a word. Failure to grasp this basic fact is the reason why the Balkan States are so angry all the time.
There is a fine line between having someone be a "Facebook Friend" and being stalked by an acquaintance.
You cannot expect to be taken seriously if you speak of environmental concerns then drive off in an SUV the size of a county.
It's great that you have such a high metabolism that allows you to eat whatever and how much you want without gaining weight. Bragging about this to your overweight friends will, however, get your skinny butt squashed like an insignificant bug.
Calling your car by its make (e.g. the Lexus, the Mercedes, the Beemer, etc.) will not garner you any respect, but will, in fact, cause people to mock you mercilessly.

Averages about one obscure thought every 9 minutes. Anyone else have this issue?

New Bumper Stickers!!

2010-09-16T16:25:00.001-07:00

It's that time again!!

NEW BUMPER STICKERS!! *imagine crowd cheering here*

Anti-Environmental:

Use hard plastic; makes for sturdier landfills
Ozone Layers fear me
I Support Litter Patrols
You can have my styrofoam when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers
I'm all for Global Warming: it'll save of heating costs, right?

"Out There" stickers:

Honk if your horn is broken!
Fig Newton Liberation Front
The Indian in my Cupboard started a Casino
Clowns! Clowns in my Distributor Cap!
Honestly, though, Flying Monkeys aren't all that aerodynamic.

Political:

Genghis Khan for Emperor
I'm the President for the Local Anarchist Committee
I watched Lord of the Rings and I VOTE!
I'm an Independent Republicrat and I'm voting "Maybe" on Measure 6
Vote for Larry for Governor cuz I feel sorry for him.

Questions:

If I roll three 6's, will my Yahtzee board burst into flames?
Is the Prius just a seriously atrophied muscle car?
If we sold North Dakota to Canada, would anyone notice?
At what point do we look at the National Debt and say, "Aw, Heck with it. Let's just buy Bolivia"?
Shouldn't Non Alcoholic Beer be better labeled "Non Potable Water"?

Headlines I'd Like to See

2010-09-15T17:19:00.000-07:00

I've been a news hound for years. I love reading news. Lately, though, it's been really depressing. So I've decided to make up some headlines that I'd like to see:

Man in Yellow Hat Smuggles in Monkey: Ebola Fears Abound
People With No Stars on Thars Hire ACLU to Represent Them in Case
Coyote Joins Class Action Suit Against ACME Products
Mario Found With Illegal Hallucinogenic Mushrooms: Claims "Job Related"
Cat in the Hat Arrested: Illegal Entry and Child Endangerment
Sonic Hedgehog Caught in Performance Enhancing Sting Operation. Mark McGuire Testifies: "He was in the bathroom stall next to mine. He was popping PED's like candy. He even had a Pez dispenser full of HGH."
Salmonella Found in Green Eggs. Sam I. Am Taken Into Custody
Red Riding Hood Arrested in Grandma Kidnapping Case. Red Blames Mythical "Wolf"
Just Before Humpty Dumpty "Suicide", Special Counsel Found Links to Clinton Whitewater Scandal.
Scrooge McDuck cited on 12 Counts of Racketeering and In Violation of 7 Anti-Trust Laws
Spot Mauls Jane
Little Train That Could Lied to Committee: Hill Not That Steep After All
Not That Miraculous: Incredible Journey Dog Used GPS
Sheriff Busts Shaggy in Huge Marijuana Raid. Freddy: "Not that surprised, really."
Local Farmer Uses Pesticides on Crops- Inadvertently Wipes Out Smurf Colony
Scrappy Doo Found Shot, "Execution Style", in New Orleans. Crowds Celebrate on Bourbon Street.
Marvin Martian Actually Long Time Resident of Luxembourg
Fourth Little Pig Found in Personal Concrete and Titanium Bunker in Idaho Panhandle. FBI Discover Huge Weapons Cache
Pepe le Pew Arrested on Stalking/Harassment Charges.
PETA Targets Elmer Fudd
GI Joe/COBRA Peace Talks Stall
Speed Racer In Custody For Excessive Speed: 165 mph in School Zone. Mach 5 Impounded
Dudly Do Right Resigns Commission, Dumps Nell, Trades Horse in on New Harley Then Goes in Search of Snidely Whiplash to "Kick His Mustachioed Butt"
Orkin Man Accidently Incapacitates Spiderman During Routine Pest Control Job
Batman Trades in Batmobile for New Batprius
Nemo's Nautilus Only Able to Go 10-15 Leagues Under the Sea: Disappointing Design Flaw
Caspar Not That Nice: Dumps Wendy the Witch for Daphne of Scooby Doo Fame
Truth Comes Out: Popeye HATES Spinach; Prefers Mandarin Oranges
Mickey Mouse's Squeaky Voice Result of Low Testosterone Levels: Minnie: "This explains a lot."
Superman: I LIKE Wearing Spandex All The Time
Captain Kangaroo Actually Wallaby
Mr. Rogers Wanted to Replace "Trolley" with MagLev Monorail
Pack of Velociraptors Blamed for Flintstone Disappearance in Bedrock Massacre
Cookie Monster Originally Slated to be Bloody Hunks of Raw Harp Seal Meat Monster
Sesame Street's "Count" Deported: Expired Visa
Judy Not Really George Jetson's Daughter!
Last Episode of "Lost" Originally Scripted to Include Cast of "Gilligan's Island" in Bizarre Crossover Plot-Twist
David the Gnome Paid Informant for Hobbits
Elmo Snaps: Tells Kids "Quit &^$# Tickling Me! It's %$@+ˆ©¥ Creepy!"
"Stone" in Sword and the Stone Dicovered to be Just a Large Buttermilk Biscuit. Arthur Abdicates Amid Riots
Cinderella's Shoe Shatters: Suffers Severe Lacerations to Left Foot
Wonder Woman Files Sexual Harassment Suit Against JLA: Says "That Aquaman is a predator!"
BP Oil Spill Threatens Sponge Bob's Home Reef
Ronald McDonald Frustrated Poet: No One Takes Me Seriously
Diabetes Cases Soar Among Oompa Loompas: Wonka Faces Medical Insurance Nightmare
Eccentric Hermit Woman Found Dead in Woodland Home: Hansel and Gretel Sought For Questioning
Nostradamus Admits: "I was plastered on cheap meade while writing most of those Quatrains. I didn't know what the heck I was doing."
Rust Slows Down Iron Man: Complete Suit Overhaul Needed
Bullwinkle Did Not Have Enough Credits to Graduate: Whatsamatta U. Revokes Diploma
Little Orphan Annie, Graduates form UC Berkeley, Disavows Daddy Warbucks as "Merchant of Death"
Lassie Gets UTI, Ruins Timmy's Bedspread
King Kong and Godzilla Team Up to Remake Classic "Road" Movies
Incredible Hulk's Purple Pants Finally Give Out: Hulk Arrested for Indecent Exposure. "It was just a matter of time, I guess," says Captain America
DNA Test Prove That X-Man "Wolverine" Is Actually Badger
Scarlet Letter Found to be a "Z": Hester Prynne was Zombie!
APB Sent Out for Dorothy Gale: Listed as Prime Suspect After Being Seen Fleeing Murder Scene in Western Oz.
New Finding on Zapruder Film Confirms Charlie Brown as Second Gunman on "Grassy Knoll" During JFK Assassination

That's the kind of news I'd like to read.

2010-07-04T18:19:00.001-07:00

INDEPENDENCE DAY LISTS!

Fun things to do during those long sessions in Phillie:

Make John Adams go out for those midnight runs to get Cheese Steak Sandwiches.
Telling Thomas Jefferson he made a spelling error on the Declaration. Again. Rewrite!
Itching powder in George Washington's wig.
Making fun of Button Gwinett's name.
Calling Rhode Island, "Rhode Acre".

Irritating things about the Continental Congress:

Listening to Ben Franklin rattle on and on about his newest invention.
Having to try Sam Adams' newest beer experiment.
Having that guy from New Jersey constantly calling for an amendment stating that Betsy Ross is the "Hottest Thing Since Spiced Mead".
Watching George Washington take out those freakish dentures.
Muggy Summer Nights and Great Coats. 'Nuf said.

Items not added to the Declaration of Independence:

AND we're going to drive on the RIGHT side of the road. SO THERE.
We don't want you as our royal. We'd rather have sports stars and dysfunctional musicians as our role models.
HEY! YOU! GET OFFA MY CLOUD!
We were going to speak for Canada, too, but they're a bunch of England fanboys.
And when we say, "Indian Savages" we really mean, "Native Americans with diverse and beautiful cultures."

Commonly held mistruths about the Forefathers:

George and Martha Washington did not want to be in the political spotlight at all. They had a good jazz gig going in upstate New York when the Revolution broke out.
Thomas Jefferson hated the East coast. He frequently requested annexing Bermuda to the US and making the island the capitol.
Ben Franklin, ambassador to Europe, was so popular that he became the Prime Minister for France three times.
John Paul Jones, the Colonies' first Admiral of the Navy, originally came to the US to start a hot dog franchise in Connecticut.
James Madison wore elevator shoes, but they only went up to the third floor, so no one noticed.

Unknown Battles of the Revolutionary War:

Battle of Wonky Biscuit
The Bad Oyster Confrontation
"Hit That Snooze Alarm One More Time And I'll Throttle You" Engagement.
Skirmish At That Newspaper Stand on 5th and Lawrence
Really Short Battle Between 3 and 3:15 Last Saturday

First Court Cases Brought Before the Newly Formed Supreme Court:

Maryland v. New Jersey, the "Baltimore is cooler than Trenton" case
US v. Georgia, the "Are you serious? You're going to talk with that accent ALL THE TIME? We just thought it was a phase" case
Rhode Island v. US, the "Everybody Quit Picking On Me!" case, or "Whiny State" incident.
Massachusetts v. US, the "Isn't Anyone Going To Clean Up All This Tea?" case.
United States Coast Guard v. George Washington, et al., the "You Didn't Wear Lifejackets While Crossing The Delaware" case.

Failed Patriotic Phrases:

"Hey! Don't Get Me Started! I Mean It! Hey! HEY!"
"We're Angry and We're Not Gonna Take It"
"HEY! YOU! GET OFFA MY CLOUD!"
"Can't We All Just Get Along?"
"You Wouldn't Do This If This Was Canada!"

First Five Bills To Pass Congress:

Congressional Pay raise.
Congressional Cost of Living Adjustments
Holiday pay rates for the House and Senate
Medical Benefit package for Congress
Pension Trust Fund for the Legislative Branch

Baby facts

2010-06-18T09:48:00.001-07:00

When a couple has their first child, nothing is too good for that infant. Nothing is too expensive and nothing is over the top. The second child tames this attitude in the parents slightly. By the time the third child comes along, things are completely different.

Foods:

1st child: Only organic, sterilized and hand prepared foods allowed. Cost is not an issue. Only the incredibly nutrient rich and dense foods will pass the baby's lips. A record of what foods Baby eats along with the amount of vitamins and proteins ingested will be kept for every meal.

2nd child: Yeah, OK, Gerbers. Or, maybe we'll mash up some food with one of those baby food things. Forget the "log", that never made sense anyway.

3rd child: Hey, kid, you want some of my pizza? You want the pizza, you gotta come over here to get it. Hey, no! get that out of your mouth! Where'd you get that? Oh, wait, that just a Twinkie. You can eat that.

Diapers:

1st: Purest linens from Egypt that are hypo-allergenic and dye free. The talc is imported from the finest manufacturers in Italy. Only holistic aloes and creams from Costa Rica are used for the occasional diaper rash.

2nd: Whatever's. On. Sale. Heck, I'll put a bumper sticker on my car that reads, "I Support My Local Landfill". Johnson & Johnson stuff. And that diaper cream stuff that smells like low tide. Gobs of it.

3rd: Shop rags and duct tape. Old T-shirts. Or, if the kid's outside playing with the dogs, nothing at all. The dogs don't seem to mind.

Clothes:

1st: Name brand clothes only. Expensive tennis shoes even though Baby won't walk for another 8 months. Free trade textiles. Hand combed felt from Peruvian free range llamas.

2nd: Whatever survived from the first baby. Cheap flannels. Socks that the kid will take off anyway within twenty seconds. Buy clothes that are many sizes too big so that it will take months for the kid to outgrow it.

3rd: Clothes? What, is this baby a fashion statement? Is it my fault the baby wasn't born all furry? If it's cold, wrap it in my old coat.

Medications:

1st: Organic and holistic medicines derived from the Amazonian forests. Most of the foods eaten by the baby will boost its immune system and maintain a healthy probiotic state.

2nd: Tylenol. Or that store brand that looks like Tylenol. Or whatever.

3rd: Shooters of Nyquil.

Transportation:

1st: A car seat that will protect the baby like it was a Faberge egg. When out with the parental unit, a sling made from the fibers from hardwood trees of the Taiwanese rainforests. The baby carriage will be made from recycled materials, be very sturdy yet sporty and have five different airbag systems installed.

2nd: Car seat will be bought at Wal*Mart and be the bare minimum necessary to be in compliance with state and local laws. When out and about, either the Wagon/Wheelbarrow or stuffed into a messenger bag.

3rd: Wrapped in bubble wrap and duct taped to the back seat. Carried like a sack of potatoes or wheeled around in that Dollar Store cart we found.

Early Education:

1st: Tapes of different languages will be played around the baby throughout the day. Story books will be rich in diverse cultures and morals. Calculus can be taught to babies as early as 6 months. Constantly challenging and invigorating the young mind.

2nd: Dr. Seuss and Golden Books like "The Pokey Puppy" and that tugboat one. Alphabet blocks will be provided for the baby so that it will have something to chew on.

3rd: Hey, kid, look! The new Guns & Ammo magazine came in. Don't drool too much on it.

Expectations:

1st: Our country's youngest diplomat. Nobel prize by 12. Tenured professor at an Ivy League university by 22.

2nd: Graduate from high school. Perhaps some college.

3rd: Survive my mad parenting skills.

2010-06-13T17:09:00.001-07:00

World's worst GPS ideas:

Voices I'd put on the car's GPS:

Don Rickles
AHnold Schwarzenegger
Bobcat Goldthwait
Oprah
Sylvester Stallone

Phrases I would definitely add if I were in charge:

"And to your left, the edge of the world where monsters reside."
"I just phoned the cops and told them that you're totally wasted."
"Don't you have to use the bathroom? Don't you? I mean, if you do, don't think about dripping faucets, waterfalls, sprinklers, rushing rivers...."
"We're all gonna die!!"
"You are SUCH an idiot."
"Did you check your oil? You didn't, did you. You forgot to check your oil. Your engine block is overheating. Hear that sound? I'm tellin' ya, that's metal on metal. You're gonna throw a rod. The motor is going to totally seize up. You shoulda checked your oil. Did you check your oil?" (over and over again).
You're getting sleepy... soooo sleeeeepy.... you want to sleeeeep... your eyelids are sooo heavy....

Programs I would install:

I would make the volume slowly, incrementally get lower and lower so that you'd have to turn up the volume until it's maxed out. Then I would make the next announcement be at the normal volume, making it blow out your speakers.
I'd have the Pac-Man following you on the screen.
I would occasionally make you take detours due to Godzilla crushing the Interstate up ahead.
At different intervals, I'd change your map screen to Fairbanks, Alaska.
I'd make your ETA time section read only in Stardate time.
I'd make the only languages available Gaelic, Inuit, Klingon, Polynesian or Cyndi Lauper.
I would make it so that you had to answer tough mathematical word problems before you got any route data.
The only "Nearest Attractions" I would include would be directions to the nearest UFO sighting, crop circle or abduction victim.

Models I would make:

The Existential Model- There is no real "Point B". You have already "arrived".
The Cynical Model- The only directions it gives is, "Whatever."
The Bi-Polar Model- Every other directive from the unit depicts a different emotion.
The "South of the Mason-Dixson Line" Model- It takes five or six minutes for the unit to just tell you the exit number.
The Dagobah System Model: Only in Yoda-speak. e.g. "turn here, you will."

Specific features on the unit:

I'd make the screen only visible if you look at it from one, obscure angle.
Make it cylindrical or spherical so that it will just roll around on the dash.
Every button will be so recessed that you will need a ball point pen to access the menus.
The "touch screen" will be so sensitive that if you press too hard, the unit will reboot.
The antenna will need to be within 8 feet of the satellite in order to get a good signal.

Different interactive styles:

The e-Pet style- You have to "feed, water and play with" your GPS occasionally via different buttons on the front of the unit or it will get sick and not work.
The Debater style- Every request you make will be open to debate and ridicule.
The Emo style- Occasionally, the GPS will just weep or sigh discontentedly.
The Diva style- Will constantly harangue you for just glancing at another GPS. Will monitor how many times and how long you stare at the screen of your unit. If it falls below acceptable limits, it will shut off. It will not restart for 24 hours.
The Drill Instructor style- Failure to follow the directions that the unit gives will result in extra "Intensive Training" at the nearest Rest Stop.

Idaho's Panhandle Rules of Etiquette

2010-06-07T16:21:00.000-07:00

Over the last few days, I've been reading about how paramilitary militias have been cropping up all over the place in America. Some of these groups have some semblance of order and military bearing in their internal structure, but one militia might not mesh all that well with the militia that set up camp down the road. What would happen if the "revolution" did break out? What if the US government collapsed as they these militias are want to predict? These Mom and Pop Militias would need to become a cohesive unit against their perceived enemy. It occurs to me that there needs to be in place a set of rules before WWIII starts. A universal tome of accepted rules of etiquette so that Militia A will not be offending Militia B and Militia B will not commit some tragic faux pas in the presence of Militia C. Below, I have set forth a short, yet not exhaustive list of parameters of polite company.

Ivory grips on your .45, after Labor Day, is not considered appropriate. During the colder Winter months, the black rubber Pachmayr grips are more in line with a proper handgun fashion sense.
If Militia X invites a neighboring Militia Y to a shootout with Federal Agents, it's customary for Militia Y to reciprocate the kindness within 2 months.
Only use black PVC pipe for your bombs after Labor Day.
If the Commander invites you to a War Council at his personal bunker, it's expected that you bring a gift for the hostess. The traditional present would be a box of ammo and the thoughtful foot soldier would know her preferred brand.
It is polite to let the more Senior members of the Militia to select their grenades first.
Regarding the embroidery on your leather jacket, it is a faux pas to dot your "I's" with little hearts.
It is important to remember that when dealing with the public, not everyone is a member of the Militia. The non-militia members of the town are most likely Commie Pinko groupies of the Socialist Mediacracy or rabid sycophants of the Government and should be handled accordingly.
Always remember: Desert camo for desert combat. Jungle camo for jungle combat. Digital "Chocolate Chip" camo for strutting around during rallies in town.
Selective use of the Confederate "Stars and Bars" ensign is allowed, but it should not be used in, or for the militia colors. Remember: they lost.
During recruitment rallies, only use bullhorns made in the US of A.
When in polite company, it is of good taste to refer anything as belonging to the Divine. For example: God's own country. God's own beer. God's own 9 mm mercury filled depleted uranium hollow point parabellums, etc.
It is always appropriate to speak as if you were from the Deep South, regardless where you grew up.
It is always "goose step," never "geese steps."
A good militia soldier will never allow his/her NRA membership to expire.
Regardless of the time of year, black leather gloves are always in style.
It is considered bad form to get the Constitutional amendments out of order when shouting at the media.
If you have a Facebook account, it is inappropriate to "like" pages such as, "Hello Kitty", "Edward Cullen" or "Emo Nation". It just sends the wrong message.
It is unseemly to take a girl to your armory on the first date. It smacks of arrogance.
While it is acceptable to bring your fully automatic, large caliber machine gun on a "hunting trip" with other members of your Militia, it is unacceptable to bring more, or heavier firepower than the more senior officers present.
The use of pastel colors in your Militia colors or unit patches is frowned upon. More traditional colors would be Black, White and Red.
It is in good form to pound the podium with your fist during a lengthy and pointless diatribe, but it is not in good form to say, "Owie" afterwards.
A scraggly, long and unkempt beard is a sign of culture and class, especially on women.
It is considered rude to talk of French cuisine or New York fashion in the presence of other members of the Militia.
A woman's forearm tattoos should not be scarier than the Senior Staff's forearm tattoos.
It is proper to use the combat/survival knife for and in a myriad of occasions such as eating utensil, Bar Mitzvahs, bookmark, pool parties, personal hygiene and weddings.
During a speech, any anecdote or reference should come from a heroic Serviceman of America's past. This does not include James T. Kirk, G.I. Joe or Beetle Bailey.
The "-ism" and "-ists" suffix may be suitably added to any noun to indicate disfavor towards a certain demographic. e.g. Bran Flakism or Brussels Sproutists.
It is polite to maintain a policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in regards to Militia members' strict vegetarian diets.
Appropriate names to utilize in your group's title would be: Order, Brotherhood, Squad, Army, Battalion or Militia. Inappropriate names would be: _____ Club, _____ Gathering, _____ Fest, _____ Anonymous, _______-apalooza, _______ Chorale.
Appropriate Mascots: Sharks, Vipers, Tigers, Falcons, Eagles, Dragons, Bulldogs. Inappropriate mascots: Unicorns, Penguins, Pan Galactic Multi Dimensional Beings, Persian Kitties, Moths or any early era Nintendo character.

Animal Shelter Glossary

2009-10-23T10:55:00.001-07:00

Animal Shelter glossary:

Needs Leash work: If untethered, this dog will sprint to the nearest county, which is probably how it got to the shelter in the first place.
No Children: Dog loves to snack on kids for Sunday Brunch.
(specific breed)-mix: Kind and sweet domesticated breed blended with a rabid, throat rendering, vampiric Pit Bull
Not House Broken: English Sprinkler Spaniel
Energetic: If you could tap the energy in this dog, your state would be free from the confines of foreign oil.
Affectionate: Loves to slobber, aka kiss, anything that moves.
Great Hunter: Will not rest until every single bird in 100 square miles has been chased off.
Knows Tricks: Dog is probably more intelligent than most elected officials.
Good with Cats: Is able to chase, corner, harass and juggle cats quite well.
For a Single Dog Family: After years of being on the Extreme Cage Dog Fighting circuit, The Mangy Mauler would like to retire.
Calm, great for Older persons: Dog has been cross bred with a throw rug.

aaaaand ANOTHER TEN COUNT!

2009-09-01T19:55:00.001-07:00

The Harry Potter books were a smash. They follow the life of a young wizard up until he gets to 17. But what books can we expect now that he's an adult?

Harry Potter and the Deviant Tax Forms
Harry Potter and the Day Old Bagel Dilemma
Harry Potter and the Road Rage Incident
Harry Potter and the Bad Service at Subway
Harry Potter and the Round of Lay Offs at Work
Harry Potter and the Receding Hairline
Harry Potter and the "Failure to Commit" Speech from the Girlfriend
Harry Potter and the Middle Aged Spread
Harry Potter and the Jury Duty Summons
Harry Potter and the Parent/Teacher Conferences

Headlines from Dr. Seuss' World:

Horton Pleads Insanity
The Stars on Thars Terrorist Plot
Green Eggs Found to Have E Coli
The Grinch Blames Tax Hikes for Foul Mood
Hatted Cat Busted for Criminal Trespass
The Lorax Pays for Deck Made with Endangered Woods
Contract Negotiations Break Down in Yertle the Turtle Talks
Hopping on Pop Caused Burst Appendix
Thing 2 Quits: Refuses to Be Just a Number
Economy Forces Bart Cubbins to Sell Off Hats

Little Known Faery Tale Facts:

Before she made it into the Big Time, the Little Mermaid broke into the movie biz as Aquaman's girlfriend.
Sleeping Beauty actually suffered from insomnia and had to fake all the sleeping scenes
Cinderella was first billed as Francesca, the Glass Shoe Wearing She-Pirate, but the demographics didn't like it.
In the first drafts, Hansel and Gretel were able to escape from the Witch's cottage with the help of his AK-47 and a few judiciously placed K-Bar knives.
Humpty Dumpty's demise was caused by a huge oversight by the King's Men. Not one of the people on scene thought to dial 911.
The whole Red Riding Hood debacle could have been avoided if the State had given Red her concealed weapons permit as she asked.
Goldilocks' parents were eventually brought up on Child Endangerment charges for allowing their daughter to roam freely through Bear houses.
Regardless of rumor, Rip van Winkle only slept for 15 years. The remaining 5 years were spent hanging out in Monterey, CA.
Rumplestiltskin wasn't a dwarf at all. He was a stock broker from Manhattan. "Spinning straw into gold" is just a euphemism for trading risky stocks.
Rapunzel was actually doing hard time in Solitary Confinement when the "Prince" busted her out. They were both later caught at the Kentucky border.

Superman's other fears besides Kryptonite:

Too much starch in the tights.
Getting the shirt inside out and being the laughing stock at the Hall of the League of Justice
Letting loose with a Supersized burp and causing some serious wind damage to the Fortress of Solitude.
Lending Lex Luthor the Game Cube and NOT getting it back.
That his dad really does look like Marlon Brando
That Lois Lane thinks that Jimmy Olsen is hotter than he is.
That the phone booths aren't as private as he thought
That someone will catch on to the whole "spin the earth backwards to reverse time to play the winning lottery numbers" trick.
All the superpowers in the world cannot reverse the bald spot
That Supergirl has a bigger fan base than him.

More Random Ten Counts

2009-08-17T21:06:00.000-07:00

Things that really bug Santa:

Hot, muggy nights over Miami.
Those joker elves that gave the reindeer chili con carne on December 23rd
The big black belt that really chafes on those long Trans Atlantic flight.
Two words: Dirty Flues
Sugar free chocolate chip cookies and skim milk
Stinkin' Easter Bunny keeps trying to borrow the sleigh for some date night
Wool allergies
Strangers that keep dropping his name in conversations
Elf Unions
Congestion over O'Hare

Shows that Never Made it to Prime Time:

Race to REM Sleep!
Identify That Fungus!
Cooking with Paste
Barbara Walters Interviews Various Second Grade Teachers
The Kia Racing Circuit
Grammar Wars!
American Dominos Championships
Humorous Anecdotes from Accounting
Velveeta Cheese Architecture Throughout Wyoming
X-Treme Snail Racing

Concert Tours that Died Before They Even Started:

Jethro Tull and Barry Manilow
Jefferson Airplane with Barry Manilow
Boston opening for Barry Manilow
The Fleetwood Macilow Tour
Streisand/Manilow duets
Luciano Pavarotti and the Copa Cabana Band
Barry Manilow in the Talking Heads Tribute Tour
John Tesh/Barry Manilow "I'm In A Coma" Tour
Bryttney Spears and Barry Manilow Dance Mix Concerts
The Barry Manilowapalooza

New Flavors from Coke:

Diet Coke and Jalapeno
Sprite with Lye
Classic Coke with Radiator Fluid
Fanta Avocado
Minute Maid Broccoli-Ade
Diet Coke with Stuff We Found Under the Fridge
Deep Fat Fried Barq's
Canada Dry Banana Ale
Powerade Salted Pork
Coke and Clam

Shampoo/Conditioner scents:

Mint and Plastic Bed Sheets
Ocean Spray with Dead, Dried Kelp Sprinkles
Meadow Muffin
Tingly Tire Iron
Cranberry with Crankshaft Oil
Dandruff Control with Hospital Air Scent
Basil 'n' Gravel
Cilantro Salsa Blends
Herbal Tabasco
Subtle Marinara with Extra Hold

Signs That We've Gone Too Far:

Root Beer with Real Roots!
Low Fat Pork Rinds
Olive Oil That's More Virgin Than Your Ugly Aunt Gertrude From Fremont
John Denver: The Club Dance Mix
Fiber Cereal So Potent, You Better Eat This In The Bathroom
Low Sugar, Low Cholesterol, Low Sodium, Low Fat, High Fiber, High Protein Oreos.
The Pacifistic, Unarmed and Peace Loving Army Men Toy Set
Prius Hot Wheels
Black and Decker Liposuction Wet/Dri Vac
Old Growth Man and Ozone Girl Fighting Global Warming Man and his CFC Henchmen on Saturday cartoons

Some Little Know Oregonian History

2009-08-15T20:15:00.000-07:00

As some of you know, Oregon turns 150 years old this year. Yup. In 1859, we ceased being a Territory and became a state. Throughout the year, many newspapers have been going on and on about various points of Oregonian history. Always with the brightest and kindest points along the timeline. And they should. It's a big moment in the state's history. Makes one feel good about being a part of this great corner of the US.

Well, as you can imagine, 150 years is a lot of time and there are so many overlooked events in our history. I did vast research and I was able to dig up many little nuggets of history that I would like to share with you.

February 14, 1859: Pres. Buchanan signed the bill allowing Oregon to become a state.
February 15, 1859: Pres. Buchanan was quoted as saying, "I did what? Who let me sign anything after the Valentine's Day party?"
February 15, 1859: The first signs reading, "Californians Go Home" appear on the border.
January 16, 1860: The Oregonian Constitution is drafted on the back of a Henry Weinhard's Blue Boar Ale label.
March 23, 1860: As a joke, Lenny Becksworth, one of the first representatives in the new government, submitted Salem to be the capitol city. Other congressmen thought it was funny and voted for it. When Salem was chosen as the City of the State, all were surprised. Portland never allowed Lenny to enter the City of Roses.
April 25, 1860: Fist fights broke out on the Oregon Senate floor over the proper pronunciation of "Willamette".
October 15th, 1861: Catching the Civil War fervor, Chief Unkluk of the Umpqua tribe stood before both houses of state congress and said, simply, "Yankee go home."
October 16th, 1861: Not to be outdone, Chief Wet Salmon of the Coos tribe told the Oregon governor, "Hey, pull my finger."
June 28th, 1872: The beginning of the "Year of the Bad Clams".
March 18, 1889: Portland was described by renown author, Clifton Spinkerton, as being, "Wow, that's crazy big." He also added that Tom Powell wanted to start a bookstore in the downtown district, but Clifton thought that was the dumbest idea EVER. (Non-Oregonians not familiar with the joke: Powell's is a HUGE book store, one city block and about 4 stories high, in downtown Portland. It's like a mecca to bibliophiles in the NW.)
September 4-16, 1892: The Great Pirate War of the Willamette. OK, it wasn't really pirates and it really wasn't all that great, but it was on the Willamette and it involved the Stuckey brothers of Oregon City and a really menacing Sea Lion.
December 18, 1901: Toothy McBain, representative of Douglas County, tried to declare war on the Southern neighbor, California, due to being, quote, "Too darn uppity for their own good." The Oregon legislature failed to pass the measure, 18-21.
August 19, 1909: During an evening festival celebrating Oregon's 50th birthday, Tank Trubadeaux of Roseburg and Westie Noggerheim of Riddle got into a fist fight over the last piece of strawberry pie. The resultant dust up leveled six city blocks in Portland and injured 158 revelers. Known as the Massive Dust Up of '09, no other brawl has matched it in size or damages.
November 12, 1914: As World War I picked up speed on the other side of the Atlantic, Oregonians pitched in to help out the refugees in the war-torn regions. Throughout the state, 14 tons of salmon were collected and shipped to England. In January, 1915, England suffered a huge food borne epidemic, thus called Salmonella.
December 5, 1914: The first cars reached Salem.
December 6, 1914: The first case of road rage documented on Market Street and Lancaster.
May 10, 1923: Nate Blankerstone, of Multnomah County, a self proclaimed hermit and CPA, incorporated a town just East of Portland. One that would be peaceful and calming to all that lived there. Where businesses would close before seven at night and all weekend long. And thus was the town Boring born.
November 5, 1931: Skiing became all the rage in the cascades. After the first season, the governor, Jimmy "Steam Donkey" Plinkett, suggested that they remove some of the large Old Growth trees that were in the middle of the ski lanes.
January 20, 1940: In a publicity stunt aimed at bringing in more tourist dollars, Larry Flandings and Bob Crank tried to reach the summit of Mount Hood wearing only boots, a wool cap and a pair of boxers.
July 10, 1940: The frozen bodies of Larry and Bob were chiseled out of the Coe Glacier on Mt. Hood.
March 1956: Not being very clear on the whole "Red Scare" thing of the McCarthyism era, many residents of Willowa County decided to paint their barns a nice shade of blue instead. In nearby Tillamook County, the people of Garibaldi ran out the entire family of "Red" Kinnert.
August 14, 1964: State Senator Mav Leonard of Coquille attempted to declare war on Washington state for, "...bein' an awful lot like them Californians." The measure was overwhelmingly passed, but, as the Governor tried to call up the State militia, President Johnson called and to them to "knock it off".
July 20, 1969: As Apollo 11 landed on the lunar surface, Oregonians celebrated by having the first "Capitol Beer-In". Unfortunately, as hundreds of locals gathered together on the lawn before the Capitol building, no one paid any attention as it seemed like any other day that Congress was in "session".
September 9, 1975: The Black Day of Disco occurred at a dance hall in Bend. About twenty young adults gathered at the Clem Dixon Dance Emporium wishing to spend the night of groovin' and hustlin' to some of MoTown's best vibes. Dressed in short skirts and leisure suits, the small gathering was no match against the forty flannel wearing loggerheads that had taken their dates to the "End of the Nixon Era Ho-down and Square Dance."
May 18, 1980: Mount St. Helen's, a volcano in Southern Washington, just miles from the Oregon border, erupts violently. Within days, volcanic ash begins to descend upon most of Oregon, thus prompting the "Get Your Ash Out of Our State" campaign.
November 1980: Residents all over the state woke up and, with one voice, asked, "Wait, did we just vote Republican?"
November 1984: Residents all over the state woke up and, with one voice, asked, "Hey, did we just do that again?"
January 23, 1994: Misty Clarington of Gladstone woke one morning with the realization that there might be something to the rumor that there's more to living than what's in the Willamette valley. Ted Clarington, husband of Misty, promptly picked up his wife, shoved her into the back of his pick-up and drove her to the State Hospital for the Clinically Insane.
March 3, 2005: State Measure 33 requesting the alteration of the State Constitution to give power to the State Government to wage war against all states that border Oregon, including Hawaii, in case of strong evidence of those bordering states being, "uppity". The US Supreme court denied the implementation and amendment of the State's Constitution.
March 4, 2005: In spite of the US Supreme Courts final ruling, the Clarkston brothers of Klamath Falls made some pretty aggressive gestures toward California. No arrests were made as the Clarkston brothers were the main body of deputies for the County Sheriff.

Random Thoughts!

2009-08-15T16:29:00.000-07:00

Random Thoughts!

There is nothing made that can't be made cooler by attaching lasers to it.
If you cannot mimic the Doppler effect, don't even try making train sounds.
If you do something stupid and you're single, chances that you'll be caught hover around 45%. If you're married, it hovers around 110%.
War is hell. It's also true that hell can be found in the center of a freshly nuked Pepperoni Hot Pocket.
Someone once commented that it would be refreshing if everyone just honestly stated what was on their minds without holding back. Refreshing in the "Great Snowy Leopard, I've dipped my eyeballs in hot wax!" kind of way.
If a cat is upside down, it's important to remember that 83% of the exposed appendages are loaded with sharp pointy things.
You're the only one that thinks that making a marriage proposal while copying Scooby Doo is funny.
Dogs actually don't like to be hugged. Unfortunately for them, dog hugging is probably 10x more potent than any anti-depressant on the market today.
Say what you will, but sometimes a person just needs a greasy cheeseburger, fries and a shake to make it through the day.
Sometimes the quietest person, when gone, is the one you miss the most.
Nietzsche said that the thing that does not kill us will make us stronger. If not, at least you'll have some cool scars to show off.
Waterboarding torture techniques have been deemed cruel and unusual. The same could be said for Poetry Readings.
The phrase, "HA! You'll never take me alive!" is not the proper response to, "Knock knock".
Genetic experimentation gone wrong is the most likely explanation for Velveeta cheese.
No matter how cute they look, rubbing your face on the tummy of a Siberian Tiger is not a good idea.
The harder you try to imitate the lingo of a younger generation, the more you look pathetic.

Another Set of State Mottos!

2009-07-26T15:07:00.001-07:00

It's been a while and I have some downtime, so I thought I'd do another State Mottos list:

AL: Where the South will rise again! See your ads from Winn-Dixie for more information
AK: Really, if we melted, we'd be the size of Vermont.
AZ: We're the state with a "Z" in the name.
AR: Yankee! Give me your stimulus money, THEN go home!
CA: We may be broke, but we look gooooood doin' it.
CO: Rockies Schmockies. What we want is some air.
CT: We just sound expensive, don't we?
DE: It's happening here... somewhere. We think.
D.C. When in doubt, make a monument.
FL: Where pastel colors go to die
GA: Had it not happened during the State Fair, we coulda beat Sherman.
HI: Our history involves a lot of grass skirts and coconut shells.
ID: We go all the way to Canada. See? Look!
IL: Still a little sore at Mrs. O'Leary's cow.
IN: We're really not all that interested in surfing
IA: We're into CrazyFarming!
KS: We're not flat. There are areas that are positively undulating.
KY: Where the Corn Mash Still is the state Icon
LA: We like to build large cities in marshy tidal basins and wait for hurricanes to come.
ME: Shoulda been one-a the Original 13.
MD: Long history of stuff and things.
MA: If you look at us upside down, we kinda look like a bottle opener
MI: Automotive industry started here. Ironic, that.
MN: LAKES! EVERYWHERE! LAKES! GAAA!
MS: Our state name sorta stutters there for a bit
MO: St. Louis! Home of Really Bad Beer!
MT: We're mean enough to get away with a capitol named Helena.
NE: At least we're not as boring as Star Wars Episode I
NV: Yes, that's legal here. That, too. And that.
NH: President Franklin Pierce was from here. Remember him? Yeah, didn't think so.
NJ: In. Your. Face.
NM: Neither Canada or Denmark have any claim on us. Or France. Definitely not France.
NY: Just West of the City, it's like another whole universe.
NC: Our Northern border is a pretty good straight line.
ND: If you were to switch us with South Dakota, no one would notice.
OH: We try.
OK: Keeping Texas from attacking Kansas since 1907
OR: Some very cool people live here
PA: Where the fast moving 21st century and the horse buggies of the 19th century meet.
RI: Are you sure we're just not someone's backyard?
SC: Making enough Sweet Tea to make 95% of America go into diabetic shock.
SD: Tough to make a state when most of it is made up of "Badlands".
TN: Elvis is ALIVE! We feel it in our very souls!
TX: We never get tired of hearing us talk.
UT: Proof that a state can exist without water
VT: Ever questioning the decision to stop being an independent republic and becoming a state
VA: That's SAINT Robert E. Lee to you!
WA: Beautiful. Rugged. Really, really wet.

WV: Just like any other state. Just without teeth.
WI: Where "Cheesehead" is a term of endearment
WY: Look! We're a square!

More Random Ten Counts:

2009-07-25T12:41:00.000-07:00

Role playing video games that never made the Christmas list:

Grand Clean Auto
Bedpan Hustle
Journey to the Center of the Lima Bean
Back Shavrz
Guitar Hero: Neil Diamond Edition
Alien v. Sponge Bob
World of Knitcraft
Harry Potter and the Sink of Dirty Dishes
Mickey and Pikachu: Cage Match!
Lawrence at the Soup Kitchen

Christmas Movies that really should not exist:

Santa and the Incontinent Child
The Reindeer Uprising!
Frosty and the Cold Shoulder
Rudolf and Bambi Duke It Out
Merry Hallowgiving
The Day the Sleigh Stood Still
Trouble Over O'Hare
Stuck!
Elf Union Picket Line
Wrapping Paper Massacre

Things you don't want to hear from Political Bigwigs when they think the mic is off:

Help me find my pants.
No, the aliens in my head are too loud.
OK, how am I voting on that again? Am I sure?
How do I spell my name?
No! For the last time, Winnie the Pooh is better than Sponge Bob. Get on board with this one or you're out!
Operation Fanged Terror is a go. Bring the donuts.
The President better endorse this. I washed his car last Saturday!
Call my therapist and ask if I'm supposed to take the red, or the blue pill.
Wait, you're telling me that I have to go to that Senate Committee without my lucky rocketship underwear?
Hold on, I'm too loaded to do that right now.

Military Operation names that really should be taken out of the line-up:

Operation: Squeaky Toy
Operation: Brownie Batter Blizzard
Operation: Fluffles
Operation: Slap 'Em Silly
Operation: Bad Clams
Operation: Icky Poo Poo Pants
Operation: March That Way and Make A Lot Of Noise
Operation: Lionel Ritchie Marathon
Operation: Prius
Operation: Operation

Embarrassing moments in US History:

When Nixon leaned over to Khrushchev and said, "Pull my finger."
The way we behaved when the Beatles came over
Pet Rocks
The painting by Stuart depicting George Washington at that bachelor party, circa 1757.
Doing a Zippo lighter commercial at Lakehurst, NJ in 1937 just as the Hindenburg was pulling in.
Going through with the Louisiana Purchase but losing the receipt.
Having John Madden's catch phrase, "Tough Actin' Tinactin" be more memorable than the Pledge of Allegiance.
Disco
The releasing of the Benjamin Franklin/Betsy Ross love letters.
Abraham Lincoln's overheard remark, "OK, seriously, do we really want the South back? Really?"

Album Titles I'd like to see:

Our Favorite Hymns/ AC/DC
Angst Filled Rap/ John Denver
Learn Uzbekistani in Your Sleep/ Strange Language Institute
Croaking and Raspy Voices/ Willie Nelson and Waylon Jennings
Best Operatic Arias/ Cindi Lauper
Freaky Groovin' and Love/ Tennessee Ernie Ford
Our Guitarist Has Actually Been Dead For 15 Years/ Rolling Stones
Death Opera Rock/ Luciano Pavarotti
Songs That Aren't About Me and My Little Universe/ Mariah Carey or Brittany Spears
This Is The Last One. Really. Honest./ Barbara Streisand

Random Ten Counts:

2009-07-24T16:41:00.000-07:00

Newspaper headlines in Storybook Land:

Red Riding Hood's Run In With Vice Sqaud!
Little Mermaid Found in Trawl Net!
Goldilocks Taken In For Questioning On Criminal Trespass Charge!
Three Little Pigs Fined For Building Code Infractions!
Repunzel Gets Stylish Hair Cut!
Jack Before Senate Subcommittee In Bean-Gate!
Wolf Found Guilty In Terrorism Case!
Humpty Dumpty Blew .09 Before The Wall Incident!
Sleeping Beauty Found To Have Insomnia!
Bambi Joins the NRA!

The Second String Team for the Seven Dwarves:

Drippy
Scabby
Flakey
Wonky
Shady
Incendiary
Crusty
Fruity
Screwy
Lardy

How-To Books that will not be written any time soon:

How-To Read!
How-To Perform Blood Transfusions In The Back of a Greyhound Bus
How-To Introduce Your Zombie Relatives Into Society
How-To Learn Acupuncture with Bricks
How-To Make Custom Made Dentures with Buick Carburetors and Leftover Meatloaf
How-To Make Friends and Crush, Intimidate and Humiliate Your Enemies
How-To Fence Stolen Goods In The Moroccan Black Market
How-To Get Hair Like Donald Trump
How-To Commit Felonies Without Really Trying
How-To Survive a Barry Manilow Concert

Pet names that will not get you points with, well, anyone.

Fluffy Twinkles
Princess Ermiline
Valdor the Destroyer
Lord Stanley Bonkabonk, Earl of Soggybottom
King Bladdervat
Chief Stinky Greengass
Bruce Bonecrusher
Precious Penelope
Kung Pao
the Leg Lover

Things airline passengers should never overhear pilots say:

What's that for? or What's that do?
GAAA! It's blinking! Make it stop!
Well, it just fell off.
Huh, is there supposed to be hydraulic fluid all over that?
Normally, I don't do opium while in the cockpit, but what the hey...
Wait, no, that's not Nebraska.
Whoa, you mean that's been upside down the whole time?
The voices in my head tell me to go here instead.
We're being followed. Hold on while I try to lose 'em.
Hey! I thought YOU were flying!

Worrisome words doctors use:

Lesion
anything ending in -oma
or -itis
also -tosis
Well, heck, anything Latin, really.
Uh oh.
Whoops
Unprecedented
Discomfort
Incise

Things you shouldn't think about just before going to sleep:

Things you CAN'T see in the dark
Why your neighbor needs all those big, black garbage bags
If it's possible to get a rash on the inside of your skin
If TV and radio waves can go through your body, what program is invading you right now?
How rich would you be if you kept all your Matchbox cars and baseball cards from when you were a kid
What really caused that itch right then?
Does anyone ever really understand what the lead singer from AC/DC is saying?
What if, just what if Gettysburg went the other way?
If you were to die right then, would your underwear be clean enough to keep Mom from being embarrassed?
If I was fourteen, and I knew what I know now....

Movie Rules!

2009-07-04T05:43:00.001-07:00

In horror movies, whoever enters the basement, dies.

The first three Star Wars movies are the only three Star Wars movies. All others are Lucas' hallucinations.

William Shatner is the only actor where people will pay to see him act poorly.

If the reviews include the phrase, "Sweeping Epic!", you will be able to nap through 2/3's of the film.

If the reviews include the words, "Unrequited," "Tormented Soul," "Sensitive Portrayal" or "Passionate," chances are there will not be any Zombies involved.

OK, I'll say it. Regardless of what he was twenty years ago, Tom Cruise is now damaged goods.

Say what you will, but the Trekkie contingent is the most formidable lobby in Hollywood.

Any man over the age of 15 cannot speak Klingon and expect to be taken seriously.

While 9 out of 10 women cannot stand the Three Stooges, 9 out of 10 men find the Stooges to be one of the purest forms of physical comedy.

The Marx Brothers' movies don't enough credit.

Best comedic duos in order: Abbott and Costello, Hope and Crosby, Laurel and Hardy.

As more time goes by, the Martin and Lewis comedic collaboration becomes more and more disturbing.

Films done in the '30's should never be remade.

This also includes any Godzilla film.

Quit going to Friday the 13th movies. It only encourages them.

It is against the laws of nature for any 63 year old man to be as in shape as Sylvester Stallone.

If the previews before the movie are better than the movie itself, you should get your money back.

Sports Rules!

2009-07-04T05:41:00.000-07:00

Sports Rules:

The trampoline is no more a sport than "kick the can" or "blind man's bluff".

If you're racing around in a NASCAR event, it's a sport. If you're racing around on an Interstate, it's annoying.

If you weep because your favorite football team lost the Super Bowl, you forfeit next season's watching privileges.

Getting the Olympic gold for the decathlon makes you 4.78 men. Oddly enough, getting the Olympic gold for men's figure skating makes you exactly .478 of a man.

If the car you race in NASCAR is sponsored by Tampax, Playtex or Stayfree pads, even if you win, there is no glory.

Professional football players can get away with wearing spandex uniforms on game day. You, however, cannot.

A female beach volleyball competitor, almost wearing a skin tight bikini, cannot complain about 17 year old boys eyeing her like a piece of meat.

You can be friendly. You can be competitive. You cannot be both at the same time.

Participating in Fantasy Football every year does not make you smarter/better/wiser than the coach. Ergo: Fantasy.

Memorizing the stats of every player on your favorite baseball team is not a very good use of brain power.

A hockey player that still has all his teeth isn't playing hard enough.

A girl that is 17 years old but has the body of a malnourished 12 year old is not a gymnast. She is a tragedy.

Unless your last name ends with "-eaux" or "-ski", the chances of you getting into the Hockey Hall of Fame are slim.

A little boy, sitting in the bleachers along the foul line with a mitt, eating a hot dog is the epitome of Americana.

Football players women find attractive, in order: Quarterbacks, Running Backs, Wide Receivers and Linebackers.

Least attractive: Guards, Tackles and the Center.

If your commute vehicle is a Zamboni, you need to take a break from the NHL.

You cannot drink a specialty micro brew beer at a NASCAR event and expect to get out alive.

The enormous foam cheese wedge you're wearing on your head will not garner you any points from the ladies.

Unless she, too, has an enormous foam cheese wedge on her head.

Rules to Live By, Part II

2009-07-04T05:39:00.000-07:00

More basic rules of life:

1. Monsters from Japan have to be radioactive.

2. Pens can only leak if you're wearing light colored clothing.

3. Any rearranging of furniture must be done after sunset, preferably after your normal bed time.

4. All sinus sprays must contain an ingredient that makes you feel like you just snorted ground glass.

5. A man on a WWII era Harley Davidson motorcycle is exactly 3.76 men.

6. A man astride a scooter is 1/8 of a man.

7. It follows that if that man on the scooter is trying to maintain highway speeds, he drops to 1/16 of a man.

8. Long hair on men is allowed. However, if that long hair makes the man look like a girl from behind, then it is strictly forbidden.

9. The more scars, the more interesting.

10. Unless those scars are from office supplies. In which case, no one really cares.

11. If you must go to a therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist, fine. This is not something to brag about to your friends. All the time. Every day.

12. Cat calls and wolf whistles, while in some circles are to be expected, have never produced a single date for any man. Ever.

13. Any tie that your father wore is not cool. Conversely, any tie that your grandfather wore, is so cool it's frosty.

14. Only the pretentiously and obscenely rich may use "Summer" and "Winter" as verbs.

15. "Autumn" and "Spring" cannot be verbed.

16. Naming your house something along the lines of "Oak Manor" or "Prembroke Hill" will not increase the property value. It will, however, make you look like a total doof.

17. One donut: Good. Two donuts: OK. Three donuts: Pushing it. Four or more donuts: Get help.

18. The average ratio of her luggage to yours is 3.4 to 1.

19. A person's ability to be annoying is directly proportional to how complex their coffee order.

20. Adding the rear spoiler/fin thing on the back of your little car will not increase your attractiveness to the ladies. It is not like bird plumage. It only gives us something to ridicule.

21. The letter "z" is not a suitable substitute for the letter "s".

22. If I can hear your stereo through your car window and through mine, it's too loud.

23. It follows that if the woofer for your car stereo is powerful enough to alter the beating of my heart, it's crossed the line from being irritating to be being an environmental hazard.

24. The moment you become concerned about people walking on your lawn is the moment you age fifteen years.

25. If it's on the menu and you cannot pronounce it, you must either, A. order something else or, B. leave and get something from Del Taco.

26. There is no shame in a well made tuna fish sandwich.

27. Those that feel the need to argue over the history and/or the interpretation of American Jazz should be publicly flogged.

28. If you find yourself in a discussion about the economy, it's OK to disentangle yourself from that conversation after 4.2 seconds.

29. Unless you've served in the military, you cannot complain about the military.

30. If you hear the phrase, "Takin' it to the next level", you're about to see something very stupid happen.

31. If your neighbor starts any noisy construction before 9 a.m., they cannot complain about the obscene words burned into their lawn the following night.

32. Shaving the name of your favorite team on your dog should land you in jail.

33. If the name of the team is the Raiders, it should be a felony.

34. If you announce that you're a big fan of Celine Dion, you will get some respect. But it will be hollow.

35. No matter what you do, you cannot upend a bag of chips into your mouth and look dignified at the same time.

Rules to Live By

2009-06-26T20:29:00.000-07:00

Some personal credos that I like to live by:

I'd go to a concert that features a band that I used to like back in the '80's. I'd even consider going to a concert that features a tribute band to that group of the '80's. But never to a tribute band to a tribute band. I draw the line there.

Peanut Butter is a pretty universal food. Except in omelets.

Never knock on a bathroom door and ask, "Hey, what're you doin' in there, huh?" Seriously, you don't want to know.

Dogs and cats, no matter how cute, are, at their very core, predatory carnivores. You, regardless how cute, are primarily made of meat. It would behoove you to never forget this, for it is certain that it is always foremost on their minds.

A comedic sketch that is very funny the first time will only be half as funny the next time you hear it. If you hear it again, it will only half again as funny. This continues until you hear it again for the tenth time. At that point, the sketch becomes a form of torture wherein you will confess to crimes you've never committed.

People who laugh at their grandmothers should be taken to clandestine locations and never heard from again.

OK. We all get it by now. The book is better than the movie. Always. I'm still gonna watch it.

If you're watching someone describe the sound of a tornado, chances are, the describer had a hard time graduating the fifth grade. But they sure do make a good tornado sounds.

There is nothing as frightening as watching an angry woman chop vegetables.

Spending the afternoon cutting down a huge bramble of blackberry bushes may be cathartic to you, but it will just tick them off.

Culture is everything. Especially if you're yogurt.

A man who brags about photos he took with a P&S is only half a man.

Ignorance is bliss. Conversely, vast bits of knowledge just tend to irritate other family members.

If you have to explain a cartoon, it still won't be funny to them.

Kelp is not a food. It is about as appealing as going out and gnawing on your lawn.

There is a very fine line between a nice and informative blog and an electronic soapbox for that whacked out guy at the park who wears two different kinds of shoes.

If you're a guy and you spend more than two minutes wondering which shoes to wear to the event, you've crossed over a very important Rubicon into a very scary land.

2009-06-14T09:07:00.002-07:00

You're not going to believe this, but I just found Kona's journal. Here are some of the entries from the last few days:

OK, so a tall nice looking blond comes into my den. That's OK, but there's this other, smaller version that came in with her. I've been told that it's not a toy. Riiiiight.... It looks like a toy, sounds like a toy and feels like a toy. It's a toy. And it's all mine.
The thing about this small human is that it has no hair. What's with that? No hair. The other humans have some hair, not nearly enough to cover all the pink, but they have hair. But this lap human has a just a hint of hair on top of the head, and that's it. Oh, dude, you're gonna be sooooo cold in the Winter.
This little human, hereafter called Baby, makes this noise called crying. Wow. Little body, a whole lotta sound. Note: Barking at crying Baby does not solve problem. Must bark louder next time.
Baby was just sitting there and the Blond wasn't paying attention. Look, the Baby was a mess. His face totally covered in... I don't know, whatever it calls food. So, I cleaned him. Nothing special, just the face, the neck, behind the ears and the hands. I was just trying to help. The Blond gets all up in my face about it. Whatever.
Whoa.... the Baby thing has no teeth. Seriously. Well, OK, there are a couple of little white Chicklets on the front of the bottom jaw, but that's it. The thing is, what, eight months old? Oh, this thing is seriously defective.
This Baby is a whole cornucopia of smells. And not all of them are good, let me tell you.
Rex next door lied to me. Cheerios taste nothing like bacon. I ate nearly the whole box and not one of those little O's had even an inkling of bacon. I hate to say it, but I'm really disappointed in that.
The Baby sleeps kinda funny. I suppose that's OK, but in order to make sure everything's OK, I have to keep poking him with my nose, which, of course wakes him up. Apparently, this is some sort of "Wrong" that has me going outside. Sheesh.
OK, is it just me or does this not sound fair? You pull my ears or my tail, I drag you around by your diaper. Sounds totally fair. Obviously I'm the only one that thinks so here.
I'm an easy sort of Dog. I consider myself to be pretty laid back and happy go lucky. I don't ask for much, really. Just. Don't. Touch. The. Rawhide.
Oh, WOW! The Baby opened his mouth today and stuck out his tongue! I nearly fell over laughing! That's not a tongue! That's more like a Wanna Be Tongue, or a Practice Tongue! Geez, how does he even drink?

2009-06-14T09:07:00.001-07:00

As most of you know, Tif and Jonathan are staying with us for a few weeks. This is a great opportunity for Lisa and I as we haven't had a lot of time with the grandbaby. I've been able to spend some quality moments with Jawathan (not a spelling error, btw). So far, I've taught him some of the fundamental and traditional tribal dances from our family. In exchange for this treat, he has been able to give me access to some of his thoughts:

I'm not really sure what I want right now. I'm not hungry or sleepy. I'm not thirsty and there really isn't anything that I want. I guess the best plan right now is to keep crying until something comes along.
Oh, wow. Did I just puke? I can't believe I just did that in public. My bad.
Whoa, whatever Grandpa just made is completely loaded with cheese. I think I love him.
Gads, here comes that dog with the ginormous tongu.... ugh... all over the face. Yeah, I need a towel.
OK, Grandma, I get it. No, really. I get the idea. Yeah, yeah, I love you, too. Seriously, now. ALRIGHT, PYSCHO LADY, QUIT KISSING ME!
Note to self: Sharing toys with Dog will most likely void the aforementioned toy's warranty.
Not too sure what I should be doing right now.... Sooo... I guess blowing spit bubbles is in order.
No, look, when I cry like that, it means that I want steak and potato, not that slimy green stuff in the little jar.
LEGS! LEGS! WORK WITH ME NOW! C'mon, if that geezer Grandpa can walk, I should be able to, right?
Oooo, fuzzy kitty.... I wonder what happens when you pull on the.... OK, I really hope that becomes a manly scar at some point.
Are you seriously going to make me wear that? Oh, you are SO going to regret my teenage years.
What's with you? That's not a "Aww-Isn't-He-Cute" face. It's a "I'm-Gonna-Hurl-Lunch" face. Just sayin'.
No. No way. I'm tellin' you, if you put me in that car seat one more time, I'm gonna... well, do THAT. Now change my diaper. Again.
I have no idea why you're all upset. I don't recognize you because from the ankles down, you all look the same.
Do you all sound that way? Is that even a language? What the heck does, "Goo goo diddums" even mean?
Wait, you're telling me that it's going to take me fifteen more years before I can even hope to be considered "hulking"? Oh, that sucks.
Whoa. Have I got a Super Colon or what? Wow.
No, I have no idea what the slimy substance is on my hand. That's why I wiped it on you.
Yeah, that's right. I'm crying. Again. Wanna know why? Well, let's see. You're eating something out of a container that says, "Ben & Jerry's", while I, on the other hand, am eating something out of a container that says, "Strained Peas". I think this mystery is solved, mmKay?
Oh, please. Not the Five Cheeky Monkeys story again. C'mon. Read me some Cussler or Koontz for a change. At this point, I'd even take a hallucinogenic Dr. Suess.
You know, after the first few bites, the dog's food isn't so bad.
OK, Dog. Step away from the stroller. I have a weird plastic toy and I'm not afraid to use it.

2009-06-14T09:06:00.002-07:00

Interesting tidbits about some of the US State Capitols:

Montgomery, AL: In 1819, upon becoming a state, the Alabama legislature made Montgomery the state capitol by only three votes. In second place was the name, "Rusty's Tavern".

Phoenix, AZ: Named after the mythological bird that plunged into the flames and was reborn anew. The Founding Fathers hoped that when Phoenix rose from the ashes, it would be a bit cooler. 'Parently, they were wrong.

Little Rock, AR: Chosen because, "Great Flipping Lump of Rock" didn't look good on a letterhead.

Sacramento, CA: Located on the mighty Sacramento River, this First City of California was finally picked as the state capitol only because the previous legislative center of the state, Monterey, was just too dang laid back. All the politicians just wanted to spend the day surfing. Sacramento was far enough away from anything remotely interesting so as to hopefully keep distractions at bay. Right....

Tallahassee, FL: Ten times picked as the winner of the annual Capitol with the Coolest Spelling Award.

Atlanta, GA: After Gen. Sherman sacked Atlanta in 1864 during the War Between the States, the Georgia congress searched for a more defensible city. The only place that had more fortifications was, oddly enough, the garage of Rev. Otis Cahooty.

Honolulu, HI: In the native tongue, Honolulu means, "Land of the Great Waves and Killer Dinners Wherein a Pig Is Roasted in a Pit All Day Long". Obviously, Honolulu is easier to write out.

Indianapolis, IN: If you look closely, you'll see the name of the state in the name of the city, "Indianapolis". Clever. Really, really clever.

Des Moines, IA: A tip of the hat to a time when French trappers roamed the land, Des Moines is French for "The Hairy, Stinky Trapper Guy". Or something close to that.

Baton Rouge, LA: Again, another allusion to the the French influence of the region. Baton Rouge is French for, "Red Stick". Apparently the city was named by a previous Governor who was suffering from too much Mardi Gras. When he sobered up, he had no idea what it meant. From that point on, the governors of Louisiana had to prove their sobriety before signing anything into law.

Annapolis, MD: Keeping with the tradition of naming all the important places in the area after women, the Framers of Maryland changed the name of Squidtowne to Annapolis.

Saint Paul, MN: So named because the other saintly candidate, St. Bartholomew was just too long and complicated to write out.

Jackson, MS: The state capitol is not named after the President Andrew Jackson, as some would surmise, but after that famous statesman, Thibodeaux Jackson, champion of the Shrimping Fleet. Well, OK, he's popular down the Delta way.

Helena, MT: Named after the wife of Larry, a cowboy in the area. Who knew.

Carson City, NV: Upon statehood in 1864, Carsonville was upgraded to Carson City.

Santa Fe: Interestingly enough, Santa Fe was originally supposed to be called Santa Felipe Juan Hildago de Corazon del Agua Sancta. Unfortunately, the person in charge of making the sign at the first train station ran out of paint and never finished. Thankfully.

Bismarck, ND: Named after a really tasty doughnut.

Columbus, OH: Contrary to popular belief, Columbus never visited the region.

Oklahoma City, OK: Surely confusing to some, this major city was so named because it's a city, in Oklahoma. A lot of thought went into choosing the right name for this state. Fortunately, this tradition never really stuck otherwise there would be an Oklahoma City, part II, Oklahoma Town. Oklahoma Burg. Oklahoma Unincorporated City. Oklahoma Village.....

Salem, OR: Because it's a nice name.

Harrisburg, PA: Most people think that this city was named after a person named Harris. Not so. The town plat was written down by a man who was almost illiterate, as was so often the case back in 1787. The man's name was Bill Ganter, and he had a dog named, "Harry". Or, as Bill wrote it, Harri. The city is named after Mr. Ganter's dog.

Pierre, SD: For 38 years, a feckless trapper named Pierre Chamboleaux was the only inhabitant of the area that would be known as South Dakota. He never trapped a single animal, but, due to his addled mind, he did write his name on every large rock he could find.

Salt Lake City, UT: Obviously named because the city was built near this great Salt Pan. No one really knows why they built it there. It sounds better than, "City Built On A Great Flat Wasteland".

Montpelier, VT: The French Capitol Name Winner for the last 218 years.

Olympia, WA: The natives in the area say that the meaning of Olympia means, "Cheap Beer", which is odd because the natives weren't introduced to beer for 150 years AFTER the city was founded by the Pabst tribe.

Cheyenne, WY: The Sioux Tribe first named this area Cheyenne from their language meaning, "Geez, who would want to live here?"

2009-06-14T09:06:00.001-07:00

Something I realized today:

Einstein theorized that Space is best understood if you think of it as something like a soft blanket or a soft rubber mat. If something heavy were to rest upon that mat, it would sink into it, but if something light were to be on that mat, it would hardly make any kind of impression, right? Same with Space. If an item, like a planet, asteroid, star were to rest in Space, it would, due to it's density and mass, bend or warp Space. The more mass, the more it will effect Space. So, the earth, will create a divot, so to speak, that would be larger than the Moon because it has more mass. That impression, or divot in Space is what we call Gravity. Again, the Sun, because of its enormous mass and density, has a HUGE amount of gravity, more than the planet Mercury. See? Also, the farther you get away from the center of mass that is in Space, the farther you get away from that particular impression in Space, ergo, less gravity.

Because of that, gravity is not a constant. It's relative to the mass, density and distance from the center of the mass in question. This is all part of that E=mc squared thing. So, if you're at the center of the Earth for some odd reason, you'd probably be crushed because you're so close to the center of the Earth's mass. But if you're a couple of miles away from the Earth's surface, thus being far away from the center of mass, you would not be under the effects of the gravitational pull of the Earth.

All that said to say this: I'm not overweight, I'm just too close to the center of the Earth.

2009-06-14T09:03:00.002-07:00

TRIVIA AND NEWS FROM AROUND THE WORLD!:

South Africa: For centuries, the Southernmost point of Africa has been called the Cape of Good Hope. Sailors have used this promontory as a line of demarcation between the Atlantic and Indian Oceans. Notoriously rough seas have plagued ships in this region. So much so that many have forgotten that before 1238 AD, it was know as Cape of Outstanding Hope before it was was downgraded to Good Hope. In fact, in 1897, after the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgeorge, the International Marine Board tried to make it Cape of Average Hope, but the movement was thwarted by the advent of steam shipping.

Nepal: Many people know that Mt. Everest is the highest peak in the world. Fewer people know that, within view of Everest, the second highest peak, known as "K2", may be seen. The third highest peak, in view of these two mega-monoliths, is the story here. In 1964, Lord Otis Pemberton, Duke of Bluehaveshire, scaled what he thought to be Everest. What Lord Otis didn't know was that his Sherpa, Doug, had accidentally mixed up the maps. Undeterred, Lord Otis and Doug made the long and dangerous trek to the very top, only to discover that, further to the East, the real peaks stood. Doug, being the ardent and loyal Sherpa, recorded Lord Otis' remarks upon that discovery and to this day, the third tallest peak in the world is known as Mt. Ahcrap.

Polar News: The first explorers of the Northern wastes, noting the abundance of the polar bear, named the region the "Arctic" after the Greek word, "Arctos" or "Bear". Subsequently, the Southern region was called the "Antarctic", again from the Greek meaning "No Bear". Following this theme, some liberal scientists, wanting to update the atlas of the world submitted a request to change the Antarctic to "Antsevenelevenic". This request was summarily denied.

South Chile: When the explorer/captain Magellan circumnavigated the world, he sailed through a treacherous section of the seas; the Southern tip of South America, where the Pacific and the Atlantic Oceans converge with often great violence. This route is known as the Straits of Magellan. Later, Sir Francis Drake, explorer, captain, pirate, hero, took his Golden Hinde around the same area, but through a shorter path, thus called Drake's Passage. Even later, in 1979, an attempt was made to find yet a more effective course by Larry Finderghast. It might have been forever known as Larry's Shortcut, except he wrapped his bass boat around a glacier.

Pt. Barrow, Alaska: For centuries, countries have tried to find the elusive Northwest Passage, a route that would take the shipping lanes above the North American continent. What most people don't realize is that the Northwest Passage was found. That, actually, was never the problem. The problem arose when the ships would get into the Northwest Passage and run into the North Central Ice Block.

India: Any geology student will tell you that the land mass on which India rests is known as the Sub Continent. This is because the geological make up of that particular land mass is vastly different than the make up of the more Northern Asiatic land mass. That some millennia ago, India came crashing into the Asian Continent so hard it crumpled it and created the Himalayas. Because it is "newer" and more South than the rest, it is called the Sub Continent. In light of this, Russia has tried in vain to have the rest of the continent be referred to as the "Uber-Continent".

Turkey: News from the US Supreme Court today states that the ACLU is attempting to change the name of the Black Sea to a more proper and correct name of "Sea of Color".

International Marine Board, Brussels, Belgium: A new report coming out of this august body states that it is highly probable that a water molecule, considering the age of the planet, has spent some time in every body of water. Thus, one H2O structure could've floated around the Pacific, Indian, the Caspian Sea, North Sea, Lake Como, etc. over the last few eons. Because of this revelation, scientists are starting to feel uncomfortable calling the Pacific the Pacific if the water therein could have originated in the Baltic and has come to its current location via the Amazon River. Suggestions ranged from renaming the oceans Paciflantic or the North Medejavian Sea. Frustration ruled until Dr. Jim Henson submitted a name that is in keeping with other scientific names, i.e. Dark Matter or Big Bang. His suggestion, "The Big Blue Wet Thing".

Nepal: As most people know, Lake Titicaca, astride the borders of Peru and Bolivia, is known as the highest navigable lake in the world at 12,497 ft above sea level. The highest NON navigable body of water is Ngor Plangan's bathroom sink in Nepal at 15,688 ft above sea level.

Scandinavia: The legend states that Eric the Red, a Viking of the 11th century, wanting settlers to colonize his newly discovered land, called the promising new locale "Greenland". This, of course, is one of the earliest know examples of marketing in the Western civilization. Eric is also credited with calling another island "Iceland" so as to keep too many people from occupying that territory and thus deplete the fishing grounds. This of course makes one wonder what was going on when Finland was named.

Bend, Oregon, USA: Most of the high peaks in the Cascade range in Oregon are, in fact, not mountains at all, but volcanoes. Dormant, yes, but volcanoes nonetheless. Over on the Eastern side of the Cascades, three mountains stand as sentinels overlooking Bend. They are called the Three Sisters, and are thus named, Faith, Hope and Charity. Over the last few years, however, with the advance of science and with the aid of satellite imagery, it has come to light that there is a FOURTH sister lurking just beneath the surface. A bulge has been detected next to the three older sisters; technically, a magmatic bulge. If one were to wait a few millennia, one could possibly see the newest sister make her appearance. The news of the prenatal volcano has put some people off. Word of these anxious citizens has reached Dr. Archibald Leadwetter, a vulcanologist out of the USGS center in Portland, OR. Dr. Leadwetter's novel solution to ease the people of Bend is to create a 42 acre Clearasil pad and rub the area where the volcano is most likely to erupt. As Dr. Leadwetter says, "A volcano is just an Earth zit. My kids use Clearasil. Works like a charm. Should work just fine here."

2009-06-14T09:03:00.001-07:00

Mottos that countries COULD have used, but probably won't:

Canada:

A Whole Lotta Space and Not A Whole Lotta People.
Where the Ice Age never really left

Belgium:

We have cool waffles named after us
We're the speed bump between Germany and France.

Russia:

We like our letters backwards.
Sometimes we just like to beat ourselves up, OK?

Italy:

It's more than wine and pasta. We have good bread, too.
We've got more statues than New Zealand has sheep

New Zealand:

No, we've got more sheep than Italy has statues
Gandalf slept here.

Greece:

Come watch us crumble
We used to have more gods than New Zealand has statues and Italy has sheep.

Australia:

We're a country AND a continent. Beat THAT!
Our wildlife is weird. Really.

Switzerland:

You want mountains? Oh, we got your mountains.
For a nation known for its neutrality, we make some killer knives.

Germany:

Well, OK, so we occasionally lose a World War.
Respect us. We brought you Oktoberfest.

Kyrgyzstan:

Yeah, we can't spell it either.
If placed correctly, we're worth, like, 3,000 points in Scrabble

Iceland:

We grow glaciers, then melt them.
This is what happens when you get a bunch of Vikings together on a small island.

Sweden:

A Saab story
We play Winter Games in June.

Denmark:

Getting past Hamlet-gate one year at a time.
We own Greenland. Not really sure why.

Nepal:

We could really use some oxygen up here.
Geez, who's idea what it to put a country in the Himalayas anyway?

Japan:

We lost the war, and we took over the world.
Careful, we know Godzirra.

Myanmar:

Come see what kind of government we have this week!
Monsoons: They really hate us.

India:

It's like a Frat House prank: See how many millions of people you can squeeze into a country.
Oh, we'll get that phone call for you.

Chile:

A thousand miles long, ten yards wide.
Keeping the Pacific Ocean from attacking Argentina for hundreds of years.

Bolivia:

Sure, we don't have ocean beaches, but we do have Lake Titicaca.
We're so cool, we have TWO capitols.

2009-06-14T09:02:00.001-07:00

Our local Community College sent out the Spring Schedule. Here are a few of the offerings:

P.E.: Basic Personal Defense 1 credit Prof Larry Hendershott

Literature: Shakespearean Sonnet 3 credits Prof. Perceval Blakely-Smythe

P.E.: Serious Personal Defense 1 credit Prof. Larry Hendershott

Mathematics: Applied Differential Equations 3 credits Dr. Franklin Abercrombie

Mathematics: Deciphering the meaning of that Abercrombie class.

P.E.: Kicking In the Math Heads 1 credit Prof. Larry "the Cobra" Hendershott

Sciences: Amphibian Biology 2 credits Dr. S. Robert Scandeford

P.E.: Karate Slaps to Their Slimy Foreheads 1 credit Prof. Larry "the Cobra" Hendershott

Sciences: Astro Physics, Southern Skies 3 credits Prof. Betty Flanders

P.E.: Professional Flexing in Front of Astro Physics Babes 0 credits Prof. Larry "Buff Daddy" Hendershott

Military Science: Battle Plans of the Mongolians 3 credits Maj. Rock Hammer

P.E.: Ninja Skills Against Dry Military History Junk. 1 credit Prof. Larry "Stealth Cobra" Hendershott

Music: Men's Glee Club. 1 credit Todd McFarlane

P.E.: 10 Easy Moves Against Wimpy Singer Boys. 1 credit Prof. Larry "Macho Cobra" Hendershott

Science: Intro to Planetary Physics 3 credits Dr. Samantha Goodkind

P.E.: Manly Testosterone Fighting Poses 0 credits Prof. Larry "Ripped Cobra" Hendershott

Sociology: Interspatial Relationships Thru History. 3 credits Prof. Dean Crandofutt

P.E.: Using Ancient Martial Arts to Interspate Your Relationships 1 credit Prof. Larry "Sensitive Cobra" Hendershott

Political Science: Why Pumped-Up Phys Ed. Teachers Shouldn't Be Allowed a Free Hand with Scheduling. 3 credits Dean of Students Dr. George Planchett

P.E.: Successful Revenge Against Faculty 0 credits Prof. Larry "Rabid Cobra" Hendershott

2009-06-14T08:59:00.000-07:00

Superhero names that never made the cut:

Mister Twister
Himacane (instead of hurricane? Get it? Him... Her) (this is funny stuff, you're supposed to laugh...)
Super Spineless
Fluffy
Cotton Jim
Vegetable Matter Man
Burlap Boy
Super Stutter
Grody Guy
Polyester Boy
The Terrible Texter
Viral Vixen
The Pontificating Procrastinator
Guffaw Girl
Mis Spelar
Massive Muscled Morphing Maven
Larry
The Greenhouse Gasser

2009-06-14T08:56:00.001-07:00

I thought I'd resurrect the State motto thing again. I think my brain needs a leash.

AL: Bubba slept here
AK: We're freakin' HEE-UGE
AZ: In a land that's completely inhabitable, we built Phoenix.
AR: We don't have accents here. Y'all do. So there.
CA: Yeah, we're just weird like that.
CO: The snow. Never. Leaves. Ever.
CT: We live with Quaint on a daily basis.
DE: We have a very rich history of doing stuff you've never heard about.
FL: Those aren't really the Everglades. We're just sinking.
GA: Quit laughin' at us.
HI: People come from all over to have Heat Stroke here.
ID: We're the buffer state that keeps Washington and Montana from starting a war with each other.
IL: If you look closely, our state kinda looks like an arrowhead. Cool, huh?
IN: Of all the Flyover States, we're the most Flyoverer.
IA: We follow Indiana on the Alphabetical List of States.
KS: That whole Wizard of Oz thing is real. We just know it.
KY: Hillbilly isn't an option. It's genetic.
LA: We ARE the CAJUN CONTAGION!
ME: Rest easy, America. We're keepin' a sharp eye on that suspicious Nova Scotia.
MD: Annapolis. Where we train boys to become squids.
MA: We have that cool looking Cape Cod curly cue goin' for us.
MI: We've got more Great Lakes than anybody.
MN: We just barely survived the last Ice Age.
MS: Da ejuwkashun stayt.
MO: We're one of the fifty states.
MT: We're not just Big Sky Country, we're Big Dirt Country, too.
NE: If nowhere had a middle, we'd be it.
NV: It's like we're this great big Sandbox of the US.
NH: Don't get us confused with Hampshire, which is in another country altogether.
NJ: The Statue of Liberty is OURS.
NM: Honestly, we don't have ranches here. We just fenced off large tracts of desert.
NY: You mean there are other states besides us?
NC: We're North Carolina, but, technically, we're still in the South. Mmmkay?
ND: They made a state but forgot to furnish it with anything.
OH: It's like we're saying, "Hi" between two big O's.
OK: We're the only state that has the initials that are just OK.
OR: It's where the cool people live.
PA: The Amish are coming! The Amish are coming!
RI: All thirty of us invite you to visit our state.
SC: We're much smaller than Alaska.
SD: We actually stopped being a state back in 1924, but no one noticed.
TN: A proud history of Elvis mania.
TX: We're big, we're overheated and we're dirty. Kinda like your weird uncle.
UT: Face it, there's just some scary things that happen here.
VT: With a capital named Montpelier, we have to be cool.
VA: We're one of the only two "V" states there are.
WA: Where it's soggy, and we like it!
WV: We give that Appalachian reputation the Oomph!
WI: If you're here, It's Brats and Beer!
WY: If you turn us upside down, we're still shaped like a square.

2009-06-14T08:55:00.001-07:00

I think it's weird that the bag full of Frosted Animal Cookies has to tell you what animals are inside. Like, it has a Camel cookie on the front with a little banner below it that says, "Camel". As if some kid is gonna look at that and think, "Wow. That's a camel? Seriously? I coulda sworn that was a dromedary." Or, why should they impose their limits on my imagination? Huh? Who do they think they are? That's not a camel, that's a horse with a very serious kidney infection.

2009-06-14T08:54:00.000-07:00

Things I would put into the vocabulary of a GPS unit, if I had the chance:

-You are so lost.
-No, no, NO! Your OTHER left!
-Whoa, well, that ain't right.
-At your next opportunity, jack slap yourself on the forehead for making that turn.
-Nope, my bad. Turn around, let's try that again.
-I don't want to go there. Input some other place.
-I give up.
-In four hundred feet, turn left and arrive at IMMINENT DOOM!
-Is that the fastest you can go? Geez.
-Dude, Coffee. Now.
-WATCH OUT! OK, drive on.
-The driver in the car behind you has some serious road rage. Just a warning.
-OK, listen very carefully, You're. Going. The. Wrong. Way.
-I've just reported your whereabouts to a secret Government agency.

2009-06-14T08:49:00.000-07:00

Unofficial State Mottos, Part Deux:

Alabama: We live up to our stereotypes.
Alaska: We're cool. Really, really cool.
Arizona: Visit us in the Winter. Your Grandparents do.
Arkansas: Yeah, we know, but it's pronounced, "AHR-kin-saw". Don't ask why, we don't know.
California: Silicone: It's not just for the valley anymore
Colorado: We built a state where there's not enough oxygen.
Connecticut: It just sounds snobby, doesn't it?
Delaware: We were really something back in the 18th century.
D.C.: The only place where you break a Federal Law within three blocks from where it was made.
Florida: Actually, we're more like a big sandbar.
Georgia: We'll talk with y'all, but it'll take a while.
Hawaii: We build cities and our mountains melt them.
Idaho: We're more than just potatoes, but we're not really sure what.
Illinois: Where our streets are straight, and our State Government isn't.
Indiana: We're so wholesome it's disturbing.
Iowa: Keeping the world hopped up on corn syrup since 1846.
Kansas: We're that light blue square in the middle of your US map.
Kentucky: State elixir: Moonshine.
Loisiana: Well, NOW we know all about hurricanes.
Maine: Eccentricity is our birthright.
Maryland: And then, there's Baltimore....
Massachusetts: If you go into a dark bathroom, stand before the mirror and say, "Massachusetts" three times fast, you'll turn into a Kennedy.
Michigan: Buy our cars, or we take your tax dollars; either way, we're good.
Minnesota: Keeping the Canadian hordes at bay for over 100 years.
Mississippi: There's a river with the same name right next to us. Jeepers.
Missouri: Mark Twain liked us. That's gotta count for something.
Montana: People like it here, and no one knows why.
Nebraska: Nothing ever happens here. It's the Law.
Nevada: Come in! Gamble! Get drunk! Get married to people you don't even know!
New Hampshire: Come watch presidential candidates act like fools for our 4 electoral votes.
New Jersey: Not so much a state as it is an attitude.
New Mexico: By now, it's more like Middle Aged Mexico.
New York: We welcome people from all over the world and let them drive our taxis.
North Carolina: We showed the movie "Deliverance" more as a documentary.
North Dakota: A whole lotta nothin' going on.
Ohio: We're Middle Classy.
Oklahoma: We're the only state with a real looking panhandle.
Oregon: Where Weird lives.
Pennsylvania: We've got "-slyvania" at the end of our name. How cool is that?
Rhode Island: You can tour the entire state and still be home in time for lunch.
South Carolina: Proud 400 year history of growing stuff that turns your lungs into charcoal briquettes.
South Dakota: We're the Anti-Hawaii.
Tennessee: Home of St. Jack Daniels.
Texas: Someday, we'll make good on all that boasting.
Utah: When we say, "Lake," we mean, "Big, Dry, Flat Place."
Vermont: We're more than just maple syrup. We also have Ben & Jerry's.
Virginia: We've got history oozing out of our Olde Towne.
Washington: Over here, our mountains blow up.
West Virginia: Here, you're family. No, really.
Wisconsin: Our main seasonal crop is Snow Drift.
Wyoming: Where tumbleweeds outnumber people.

2009-06-14T08:46:00.000-07:00

State mottos that never made it to the final vote.

Alabama: Our Sweet Tea is really, really sweet.
Alaska: You don't need a refrigerator here.
Arizona: The Land is so inhospitable, it'll blow your mind.
Arkansas: Kinda like Kansas, but with an Ar attached.
California: Over here, nothing is real.
Colorado: Mountains? We got your Mountains right here.
Connecticut: Geez, that's hard to spell, isn't it?
Delaware: Just because you can't find us on the map, doesn't mean we're not important.
D.C.: Not really a state, but we have some stuff here.
Florida: Yeah, it's just that flat here.
Georgia: It's pronounced Jaw-jaw.
Hawaii: We really, really like vowels here.
Idaho: Spuds and Militias. Gotta problem wid dat?
Illinois: We grow presidents.
Indiana: We were just going to be Indian, but someone snuck in an "a" at the last minute.
Iowa: We epitomize "Flyover".
Kansas: Like Arkansas, but without that annoying "Ar".
Kentucky: Seriously, the grass here isn't blue.
Louisiana: We've turned drunkedness into an artform
Maine: Waaaay up in the right hand corner.
Maryland: We're the only state with "-land" in our name. We're just that cool.
Massachusetts: Don't worry, we can't spell it right either.
Michigan: We're so neat, we're broke in two.
Minnesota: Swedes R Us
Mississippi: Lookit all dem letters.
Missouri: There's a reason it sounds like Misery.
Montana: Lots and lots of dirt.
Nebraska: Right. In. The. Middle.
Nevada: We bury stuff here that you don't want to know about.
New Hampshire: Oregon has counties bigger than us.
New Jersey: We don't do beaches. We have shores.
New Mexico: Kinda like Mexico, but newer.
New York: Look, there's a lot more here than that city.
North Carolina: We're North of that other Carolina state.
North Dakota: Honest, there's really nothing here.
Ohio: We make bowling look cool.
Oklahoma: We're kinda oily, but in a good way.
Oregon: God's acre.
Pennsylvania: We made it possible for the Amish and Pittsburgh to be in the same state.
Rhode Island: Slightly bigger than your backyard.
South Carolina: We're South of that other Carolina state.
South Dakota: Mt. Rushmore. 'Nuff said.
Tennessee: We're trying to confine Country Music. Honest.
Texas: Bigger egos for no real good reason.
Utah: We grow red rocks here.
Vermont: We make up the other half of that New Hampshire/Vermont polygon.
Virginia: We make "Commonwealth" sound cool.
Washington: We like rain.
West Virginia: We'd like to thank the Civil War for birthing us.
Wisconsin: We make enough cheese to make the world constipated. Think about it.
Wyoming: Is there anyone still here?

2009-05-02T14:09:00.000-07:00

Ever go to the store, and there, on the bread racks, you saw a hundred different kinds of breads?

Remember when there was just Wheat and White? and the wheat bread just sat there? No one bought wheat bread, except for the ones that came in and wanted to buy the day old stuff. Not for us.... It was always white. Unless there was a special occasion, then we got Sourdough.

Mmmm.... Sourdough....

Nowadays, we have selection. So many variations of bread. There are breads with different kinds of flour, or nuts, or sizes of bread or how many calories you want in your bread, or none of the above. Seriously, there's a bread that uses no flour.

I mean, can you call it bread if it doesn't have any flour?

Then there's the choice of how many grains you want. A few years ago, a bread came out that boasted on its label, "Three Grain Bread". Wow. Three. So, that's like, what, wheat, oat and something that's not oat or wheat, right? Then, a little while longer, they came out with a SEVEN grain bread. Again, wheat, oat, something, hops, barley, this and that.

Now there's a TWELVE grain bread.

OK, c'mon. Really? Twelve? Are there actually twelve different grains out there in the world? or are the Bread Scientists in Research and Development sitting the their labs just making grains up?

"Ooo, look Larry. A new grain."

"Uh, Bob, that's just some lawn clippings. Not technically a grain."

"It's a grain if we say it's a grain...."

When will it stop? Will the Alpha Bakers of the World keep raising the stakes on the Grain Wars? Are there annual competitions between Bakeries? Will we soon see, "New! 428 Grain Bread! Now with the Outer Mongolian Purple Dandelion Seeds!"

Do we really need all twelve of those grains in our bread? Has there EVER been a person, sitting down to eat a tuna fish sandwich on some eleven grain bread, thinking, "Dang, this would be so much better if I wasn't missing that one grain." Has there EVER been a person, eating a slice of twelve grain bread, that has enjoyed every grain? "Mmmm... sunflower... and is that... yes! alfalfa! Nice..."

*sigh* I need to have some Wonder bread.

2009-05-01T12:43:00.000-07:00

OK, so here it is. A blog. Not just any blog, buy MY blog. This isn't going to be any normal blog where people just ramble on and on about different stuff. No. This blog will be about important stuff. Things that have impact in the world around us. Things that can change lives. Essential items that you, the Reader, must know in order to survive the daily grind. In this very important blog, you will find things that will make you think, make you reassess the way you see life. You'll never find trivial, inane things here. It's my goal to blog about necessary facts that cannot be ignored.

Like, for instance, don't you hate it when you go to get your keys out of your pocket and they're in some jumbled mess? As if, in the middle of the night, some demented key gremlin from MENSA came in and rearranged all your keys so that it's some pile of metal and plastic? The long metal key part is jammed into another key's fob and the split rings are all intertwined like some bizarre key yoga exercise. And, of course, you're stuck out in the driveway at 4 a.m. trying to get to work trying to figure out the entire puzzle all on a half a cup of coffee.

See? It's that kind of life changing, important information that will be on this blog.

Read, and learn.