PCW's Comic Cafe

INDEPENDENCE DAY LISTS!

Fun things to do during those long sessions in Phillie:

• Make John Adams go out for those midnight runs to get Cheese Steak Sandwiches.
• Telling Thomas Jefferson he made a spelling error on the Declaration. Again. Rewrite!
• Itching powder in George Washington's wig.
• Making fun of Button Gwinett's name.
• Calling Rhode Island, "Rhode Acre".

Irritating things about the Continental Congress:

• Listening to Ben Franklin rattle on and on about his newest invention.
• Having to try Sam Adams' newest beer experiment.
• Having that guy from New Jersey constantly calling for an amendment stating that Betsy Ross is the "Hottest Thing Since Spiced Mead".
• Watching George Washington take out those freakish dentures.
• Muggy Summer Nights and Great Coats. 'Nuf said.

Items not added to the Declaration of Independence:

• AND we're going to drive on the RIGHT side of the road. SO THERE.
• We don't want you as our royal. We'd rather have sports stars and dysfunctional musicians as our role models.
• HEY! YOU! GET OFFA MY CLOUD!
• We were going to speak for Canada, too, but they're a bunch of England fanboys.
• And when we say, "Indian Savages" we really mean, "Native Americans with diverse and beautiful cultures."

Commonly held mistruths about the Forefathers:

• George and Martha Washington did not want to be in the political spotlight at all. They had a good jazz gig going in upstate New York when the Revolution broke out.
• Thomas Jefferson hated the East coast. He frequently requested annexing Bermuda to the US and making the island the capitol.
• Ben Franklin, ambassador to Europe, was so popular that he became the Prime Minister for France three times.
• John Paul Jones, the Colonies' first Admiral of the Navy, originally came to the US to start a hot dog franchise in Connecticut.
• James Madison wore elevator shoes, but they only went up to the third floor, so no one noticed.

Unknown Battles of the Revolutionary War:

• Battle of Wonky Biscuit
• The Bad Oyster Confrontation
• "Hit That Snooze Alarm One More Time And I'll Throttle You" Engagement.
• Skirmish At That Newspaper Stand on 5th and Lawrence
• Really Short Battle Between 3 and 3:15 Last Saturday

First Court Cases Brought Before the Newly Formed Supreme Court:

• Maryland v. New Jersey, the "Baltimore is cooler than Trenton" case
• US v. Georgia, the "Are you serious? You're going to talk with that accent ALL THE TIME? We just thought it was a phase" case
• Rhode Island v. US, the "Everybody Quit Picking On Me!" case, or "Whiny State" incident.
• Massachusetts v. US, the "Isn't Anyone Going To Clean Up All This Tea?" case.
• United States Coast Guard v. George Washington, et al., the "You Didn't Wear Lifejackets While Crossing The Delaware" case.

Failed Patriotic Phrases:

• "Hey! Don't Get Me Started! I Mean It! Hey! HEY!"
• "We're Angry and We're Not Gonna Take It"
• "HEY! YOU! GET OFFA MY CLOUD!"
• "Can't We All Just Get Along?"
• "You Wouldn't Do This If This Was Canada!"

First Five Bills To Pass Congress:

• Congressional Pay raise.
• Congressional Cost of Living Adjustments
• Holiday pay rates for the House and Senate
• Medical Benefit package for Congress
• Pension Trust Fund for the Legislative Branch