World's worst GPS ideas:

Voices I'd put on the car's GPS:

• Don Rickles
• AHnold Schwarzenegger
• Bobcat Goldthwait
• Oprah
• Sylvester Stallone

Phrases I would definitely add if I were in charge:

• "And to your left, the edge of the world where monsters reside."
• "I just phoned the cops and told them that you're totally wasted."
• "Don't you have to use the bathroom? Don't you? I mean, if you do, don't think about dripping faucets, waterfalls, sprinklers, rushing rivers...."
• "We're all gonna die!!"
• "You are SUCH an idiot."
• "Did you check your oil? You didn't, did you. You forgot to check your oil. Your engine block is overheating. Hear that sound? I'm tellin' ya, that's metal on metal. You're gonna throw a rod. The motor is going to totally seize up. You shoulda checked your oil. Did you check your oil?" (over and over again).
• You're getting sleepy... soooo sleeeeepy.... you want to sleeeeep... your eyelids are sooo heavy....

Programs I would install:

• I would make the volume slowly, incrementally get lower and lower so that you'd have to turn up the volume until it's maxed out. Then I would make the next announcement be at the normal volume, making it blow out your speakers.
• I'd have the Pac-Man following you on the screen.
• I would occasionally make you take detours due to Godzilla crushing the Interstate up ahead.
• At different intervals, I'd change your map screen to Fairbanks, Alaska.
• I'd make your ETA time section read only in Stardate time.
• I'd make the only languages available Gaelic, Inuit, Klingon, Polynesian or Cyndi Lauper.
• I would make it so that you had to answer tough mathematical word problems before you got any route data.
• The only "Nearest Attractions" I would include would be directions to the nearest UFO sighting, crop circle or abduction victim.

Models I would make:

• The Existential Model- There is no real "Point B". You have already "arrived".
• The Cynical Model- The only directions it gives is, "Whatever."
• The Bi-Polar Model- Every other directive from the unit depicts a different emotion.
• The "South of the Mason-Dixson Line" Model- It takes five or six minutes for the unit to just tell you the exit number.
• The Dagobah System Model: Only in Yoda-speak. e.g. "turn here, you will."

Specific features on the unit:

• I'd make the screen only visible if you look at it from one, obscure angle.
• Make it cylindrical or spherical so that it will just roll around on the dash.
• Every button will be so recessed that you will need a ball point pen to access the menus.
• The "touch screen" will be so sensitive that if you press too hard, the unit will reboot.
• The antenna will need to be within 8 feet of the satellite in order to get a good signal.

Different interactive styles:

• The e-Pet style- You have to "feed, water and play with" your GPS occasionally via different buttons on the front of the unit or it will get sick and not work.
• The Debater style- Every request you make will be open to debate and ridicule.
• The Emo style- Occasionally, the GPS will just weep or sigh discontentedly.
• The Diva style- Will constantly harangue you for just glancing at another GPS. Will monitor how many times and how long you stare at the screen of your unit. If it falls below acceptable limits, it will shut off. It will not restart for 24 hours.
• The Drill Instructor style- Failure to follow the directions that the unit gives will result in extra "Intensive Training" at the nearest Rest Stop.

Idaho's Panhandle Rules of Etiquette

Over the last few days, I've been reading about how paramilitary militias have been cropping up all over the place in America. Some of these groups have some semblance of order and military bearing in their internal structure, but one militia might not mesh all that well with the militia that set up camp down the road. What would happen if the "revolution" did break out? What if the US government collapsed as they these militias are want to predict? These Mom and Pop Militias would need to become a cohesive unit against their perceived enemy. It occurs to me that there needs to be in place a set of rules before WWIII starts. A universal tome of accepted rules of etiquette so that Militia A will not be offending Militia B and Militia B will not commit some tragic faux pas in the presence of Militia C. Below, I have set forth a short, yet not exhaustive list of parameters of polite company.

• Ivory grips on your .45, after Labor Day, is not considered appropriate. During the colder Winter months, the black rubber Pachmayr grips are more in line with a proper handgun fashion sense.
• If Militia X invites a neighboring Militia Y to a shootout with Federal Agents, it's customary for Militia Y to reciprocate the kindness within 2 months.
• Only use black PVC pipe for your bombs after Labor Day.
• If the Commander invites you to a War Council at his personal bunker, it's expected that you bring a gift for the hostess. The traditional present would be a box of ammo and the thoughtful foot soldier would know her preferred brand.
• It is polite to let the more Senior members of the Militia to select their grenades first.
• Regarding the embroidery on your leather jacket, it is a faux pas to dot your "I's" with little hearts.
• It is important to remember that when dealing with the public, not everyone is a member of the Militia. The non-militia members of the town are most likely Commie Pinko groupies of the Socialist Mediacracy or rabid sycophants of the Government and should be handled accordingly.
• Always remember: Desert camo for desert combat. Jungle camo for jungle combat. Digital "Chocolate Chip" camo for strutting around during rallies in town.
• Selective use of the Confederate "Stars and Bars" ensign is allowed, but it should not be used in, or for the militia colors. Remember: they lost.
• During recruitment rallies, only use bullhorns made in the US of A.
• When in polite company, it is of good taste to refer anything as belonging to the Divine. For example: God's own country. God's own beer. God's own 9 mm mercury filled depleted uranium hollow point parabellums, etc.
• It is always appropriate to speak as if you were from the Deep South, regardless where you grew up.
• It is always "goose step," never "geese steps."
• A good militia soldier will never allow his/her NRA membership to expire.
• Regardless of the time of year, black leather gloves are always in style.
• It is considered bad form to get the Constitutional amendments out of order when shouting at the media.
• If you have a Facebook account, it is inappropriate to "like" pages such as, "Hello Kitty", "Edward Cullen" or "Emo Nation". It just sends the wrong message.
• It is unseemly to take a girl to your armory on the first date. It smacks of arrogance.
• While it is acceptable to bring your fully automatic, large caliber machine gun on a "hunting trip" with other members of your Militia, it is unacceptable to bring more, or heavier firepower than the more senior officers present.
• The use of pastel colors in your Militia colors or unit patches is frowned upon. More traditional colors would be Black, White and Red.
• It is in good form to pound the podium with your fist during a lengthy and pointless diatribe, but it is not in good form to say, "Owie" afterwards.
• A scraggly, long and unkempt beard is a sign of culture and class, especially on women.
• It is considered rude to talk of French cuisine or New York fashion in the presence of other members of the Militia.
• A woman's forearm tattoos should not be scarier than the Senior Staff's forearm tattoos.
• It is proper to use the combat/survival knife for and in a myriad of occasions such as eating utensil, Bar Mitzvahs, bookmark, pool parties, personal hygiene and weddings.
• During a speech, any anecdote or reference should come from a heroic Serviceman of America's past. This does not include James T. Kirk, G.I. Joe or Beetle Bailey.
• The "-ism" and "-ists" suffix may be suitably added to any noun to indicate disfavor towards a certain demographic. e.g. Bran Flakism or Brussels Sproutists.
• It is polite to maintain a policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in regards to Militia members' strict vegetarian diets.
• Appropriate names to utilize in your group's title would be: Order, Brotherhood, Squad, Army, Battalion or Militia. Inappropriate names would be: _____ Club, _____ Gathering, _____ Fest, _____ Anonymous, _______-apalooza, _______ Chorale.
• Appropriate Mascots: Sharks, Vipers, Tigers, Falcons, Eagles, Dragons, Bulldogs. Inappropriate mascots: Unicorns, Penguins, Pan Galactic Multi Dimensional Beings, Persian Kitties, Moths or any early era Nintendo character.

Animal Shelter Glossary

Animal Shelter glossary:

• Needs Leash work: If untethered, this dog will sprint to the nearest county, which is probably how it got to the shelter in the first place.
• No Children: Dog loves to snack on kids for Sunday Brunch.
• (specific breed)-mix: Kind and sweet domesticated breed blended with a rabid, throat rendering, vampiric Pit Bull
• Not House Broken: English Sprinkler Spaniel
• Energetic: If you could tap the energy in this dog, your state would be free from the confines of foreign oil.
• Affectionate: Loves to slobber, aka kiss, anything that moves.
• Great Hunter: Will not rest until every single bird in 100 square miles has been chased off.
• Knows Tricks: Dog is probably more intelligent than most elected officials.
• Good with Cats: Is able to chase, corner, harass and juggle cats quite well.
• For a Single Dog Family: After years of being on the Extreme Cage Dog Fighting circuit, The Mangy Mauler would like to retire.
• Calm, great for Older persons: Dog has been cross bred with a throw rug.

aaaaand ANOTHER TEN COUNT!

The Harry Potter books were a smash. They follow the life of a young wizard up until he gets to 17. But what books can we expect now that he's an adult?

• Harry Potter and the Deviant Tax Forms
• Harry Potter and the Day Old Bagel Dilemma
• Harry Potter and the Road Rage Incident
• Harry Potter and the Bad Service at Subway
• Harry Potter and the Round of Lay Offs at Work
• Harry Potter and the Receding Hairline
• Harry Potter and the "Failure to Commit" Speech from the Girlfriend
• Harry Potter and the Middle Aged Spread
• Harry Potter and the Jury Duty Summons
• Harry Potter and the Parent/Teacher Conferences

Headlines from Dr. Seuss' World:

• Horton Pleads Insanity
• The Stars on Thars Terrorist Plot
• Green Eggs Found to Have E Coli
• The Grinch Blames Tax Hikes for Foul Mood
• Hatted Cat Busted for Criminal Trespass
• The Lorax Pays for Deck Made with Endangered Woods
• Contract Negotiations Break Down in Yertle the Turtle Talks
• Hopping on Pop Caused Burst Appendix
• Thing 2 Quits: Refuses to Be Just a Number
• Economy Forces Bart Cubbins to Sell Off Hats

Little Known Faery Tale Facts:

• Before she made it into the Big Time, the Little Mermaid broke into the movie biz as Aquaman's girlfriend.
• Sleeping Beauty actually suffered from insomnia and had to fake all the sleeping scenes
• Cinderella was first billed as Francesca, the Glass Shoe Wearing She-Pirate, but the demographics didn't like it.
• In the first drafts, Hansel and Gretel were able to escape from the Witch's cottage with the help of his AK-47 and a few judiciously placed K-Bar knives.
• Humpty Dumpty's demise was caused by a huge oversight by the King's Men. Not one of the people on scene thought to dial 911.
• The whole Red Riding Hood debacle could have been avoided if the State had given Red her concealed weapons permit as she asked.
• Goldilocks' parents were eventually brought up on Child Endangerment charges for allowing their daughter to roam freely through Bear houses.
• Regardless of rumor, Rip van Winkle only slept for 15 years. The remaining 5 years were spent hanging out in Monterey, CA.
• Rumplestiltskin wasn't a dwarf at all. He was a stock broker from Manhattan. "Spinning straw into gold" is just a euphemism for trading risky stocks.
• Rapunzel was actually doing hard time in Solitary Confinement when the "Prince" busted her out. They were both later caught at the Kentucky border.

Superman's other fears besides Kryptonite:

• Too much starch in the tights.
• Getting the shirt inside out and being the laughing stock at the Hall of the League of Justice
• Letting loose with a Supersized burp and causing some serious wind damage to the Fortress of Solitude.
• Lending Lex Luthor the Game Cube and NOT getting it back.
• That his dad really does look like Marlon Brando
• That Lois Lane thinks that Jimmy Olsen is hotter than he is.
• That the phone booths aren't as private as he thought
• That someone will catch on to the whole "spin the earth backwards to reverse time to play the winning lottery numbers" trick.
• All the superpowers in the world cannot reverse the bald spot
• That Supergirl has a bigger fan base than him.

More Random Ten Counts

Things that really bug Santa:

• Hot, muggy nights over Miami.
• Those joker elves that gave the reindeer chili con carne on December 23rd
• The big black belt that really chafes on those long Trans Atlantic flight.
• Two words: Dirty Flues
• Sugar free chocolate chip cookies and skim milk
• Stinkin' Easter Bunny keeps trying to borrow the sleigh for some date night
• Wool allergies
• Strangers that keep dropping his name in conversations
• Elf Unions
• Congestion over O'Hare

Shows that Never Made it to Prime Time:

• Race to REM Sleep!
• Identify That Fungus!
• Cooking with Paste
• Barbara Walters Interviews Various Second Grade Teachers
• The Kia Racing Circuit
• Grammar Wars!
• American Dominos Championships
• Humorous Anecdotes from Accounting
• Velveeta Cheese Architecture Throughout Wyoming
• X-Treme Snail Racing

Concert Tours that Died Before They Even Started:

• Jethro Tull and Barry Manilow
• Jefferson Airplane with Barry Manilow
• Boston opening for Barry Manilow
• The Fleetwood Macilow Tour
• Streisand/Manilow duets
• Luciano Pavarotti and the Copa Cabana Band
• Barry Manilow in the Talking Heads Tribute Tour
• John Tesh/Barry Manilow "I'm In A Coma" Tour
• Bryttney Spears and Barry Manilow Dance Mix Concerts
• The Barry Manilowapalooza

New Flavors from Coke:

• Diet Coke and Jalapeno
• Sprite with Lye
• Classic Coke with Radiator Fluid
• Fanta Avocado
• Minute Maid Broccoli-Ade
• Diet Coke with Stuff We Found Under the Fridge
• Deep Fat Fried Barq's
• Canada Dry Banana Ale
• Powerade Salted Pork
• Coke and Clam

Shampoo/Conditioner scents:

• Mint and Plastic Bed Sheets
• Ocean Spray with Dead, Dried Kelp Sprinkles
• Meadow Muffin
• Tingly Tire Iron
• Cranberry with Crankshaft Oil
• Dandruff Control with Hospital Air Scent
• Basil 'n' Gravel
• Cilantro Salsa Blends
• Herbal Tabasco
• Subtle Marinara with Extra Hold

Signs That We've Gone Too Far:

• Root Beer with Real Roots!
• Low Fat Pork Rinds
• Olive Oil That's More Virgin Than Your Ugly Aunt Gertrude From Fremont
• John Denver: The Club Dance Mix
• Fiber Cereal So Potent, You Better Eat This In The Bathroom
• Low Sugar, Low Cholesterol, Low Sodium, Low Fat, High Fiber, High Protein Oreos.
• The Pacifistic, Unarmed and Peace Loving Army Men Toy Set
• Prius Hot Wheels
• Black and Decker Liposuction Wet/Dri Vac
• Old Growth Man and Ozone Girl Fighting Global Warming Man and his CFC Henchmen on Saturday cartoons

Some Little Know Oregonian History

As some of you know, Oregon turns 150 years old this year. Yup. In 1859, we ceased being a Territory and became a state. Throughout the year, many newspapers have been going on and on about various points of Oregonian history. Always with the brightest and kindest points along the timeline. And they should. It's a big moment in the state's history. Makes one feel good about being a part of this great corner of the US.

Well, as you can imagine, 150 years is a lot of time and there are so many overlooked events in our history. I did vast research and I was able to dig up many little nuggets of history that I would like to share with you.

• February 14, 1859: Pres. Buchanan signed the bill allowing Oregon to become a state.
• February 15, 1859: Pres. Buchanan was quoted as saying, "I did what? Who let me sign anything after the Valentine's Day party?"
• February 15, 1859: The first signs reading, "Californians Go Home" appear on the border.
• January 16, 1860: The Oregonian Constitution is drafted on the back of a Henry Weinhard's Blue Boar Ale label.
• March 23, 1860: As a joke, Lenny Becksworth, one of the first representatives in the new government, submitted Salem to be the capitol city. Other congressmen thought it was funny and voted for it. When Salem was chosen as the City of the State, all were surprised. Portland never allowed Lenny to enter the City of Roses.
• April 25, 1860: Fist fights broke out on the Oregon Senate floor over the proper pronunciation of "Willamette".
• October 15th, 1861: Catching the Civil War fervor, Chief Unkluk of the Umpqua tribe stood before both houses of state congress and said, simply, "Yankee go home."
• October 16th, 1861: Not to be outdone, Chief Wet Salmon of the Coos tribe told the Oregon governor, "Hey, pull my finger."
• June 28th, 1872: The beginning of the "Year of the Bad Clams".
• March 18, 1889: Portland was described by renown author, Clifton Spinkerton, as being, "Wow, that's crazy big." He also added that Tom Powell wanted to start a bookstore in the downtown district, but Clifton thought that was the dumbest idea EVER. (Non-Oregonians not familiar with the joke: Powell's is a HUGE book store, one city block and about 4 stories high, in downtown Portland. It's like a mecca to bibliophiles in the NW.)
• September 4-16, 1892: The Great Pirate War of the Willamette. OK, it wasn't really pirates and it really wasn't all that great, but it was on the Willamette and it involved the Stuckey brothers of Oregon City and a really menacing Sea Lion.
• December 18, 1901: Toothy McBain, representative of Douglas County, tried to declare war on the Southern neighbor, California, due to being, quote, "Too darn uppity for their own good." The Oregon legislature failed to pass the measure, 18-21.
• August 19, 1909: During an evening festival celebrating Oregon's 50th birthday, Tank Trubadeaux of Roseburg and Westie Noggerheim of Riddle got into a fist fight over the last piece of strawberry pie. The resultant dust up leveled six city blocks in Portland and injured 158 revelers. Known as the Massive Dust Up of '09, no other brawl has matched it in size or damages.
• November 12, 1914: As World War I picked up speed on the other side of the Atlantic, Oregonians pitched in to help out the refugees in the war-torn regions. Throughout the state, 14 tons of salmon were collected and shipped to England. In January, 1915, England suffered a huge food borne epidemic, thus called Salmonella.
• December 5, 1914: The first cars reached Salem.
• December 6, 1914: The first case of road rage documented on Market Street and Lancaster.
• May 10, 1923: Nate Blankerstone, of Multnomah County, a self proclaimed hermit and CPA, incorporated a town just East of Portland. One that would be peaceful and calming to all that lived there. Where businesses would close before seven at night and all weekend long. And thus was the town Boring born.
• November 5, 1931: Skiing became all the rage in the cascades. After the first season, the governor, Jimmy "Steam Donkey" Plinkett, suggested that they remove some of the large Old Growth trees that were in the middle of the ski lanes.
• January 20, 1940: In a publicity stunt aimed at bringing in more tourist dollars, Larry Flandings and Bob Crank tried to reach the summit of Mount Hood wearing only boots, a wool cap and a pair of boxers.
• July 10, 1940: The frozen bodies of Larry and Bob were chiseled out of the Coe Glacier on Mt. Hood.
• March 1956: Not being very clear on the whole "Red Scare" thing of the McCarthyism era, many residents of Willowa County decided to paint their barns a nice shade of blue instead. In nearby Tillamook County, the people of Garibaldi ran out the entire family of "Red" Kinnert.
• August 14, 1964: State Senator Mav Leonard of Coquille attempted to declare war on Washington state for, "...bein' an awful lot like them Californians." The measure was overwhelmingly passed, but, as the Governor tried to call up the State militia, President Johnson called and to them to "knock it off".
• July 20, 1969: As Apollo 11 landed on the lunar surface, Oregonians celebrated by having the first "Capitol Beer-In". Unfortunately, as hundreds of locals gathered together on the lawn before the Capitol building, no one paid any attention as it seemed like any other day that Congress was in "session".
• September 9, 1975: The Black Day of Disco occurred at a dance hall in Bend. About twenty young adults gathered at the Clem Dixon Dance Emporium wishing to spend the night of groovin' and hustlin' to some of MoTown's best vibes. Dressed in short skirts and leisure suits, the small gathering was no match against the forty flannel wearing loggerheads that had taken their dates to the "End of the Nixon Era Ho-down and Square Dance."
• May 18, 1980: Mount St. Helen's, a volcano in Southern Washington, just miles from the Oregon border, erupts violently. Within days, volcanic ash begins to descend upon most of Oregon, thus prompting the "Get Your Ash Out of Our State" campaign.
• November 1980: Residents all over the state woke up and, with one voice, asked, "Wait, did we just vote Republican?"
• November 1984: Residents all over the state woke up and, with one voice, asked, "Hey, did we just do that again?"
• January 23, 1994: Misty Clarington of Gladstone woke one morning with the realization that there might be something to the rumor that there's more to living than what's in the Willamette valley. Ted Clarington, husband of Misty, promptly picked up his wife, shoved her into the back of his pick-up and drove her to the State Hospital for the Clinically Insane.
• March 3, 2005: State Measure 33 requesting the alteration of the State Constitution to give power to the State Government to wage war against all states that border Oregon, including Hawaii, in case of strong evidence of those bordering states being, "uppity". The US Supreme court denied the implementation and amendment of the State's Constitution.
• March 4, 2005: In spite of the US Supreme Courts final ruling, the Clarkston brothers of Klamath Falls made some pretty aggressive gestures toward California. No arrests were made as the Clarkston brothers were the main body of deputies for the County Sheriff.

Random Thoughts!

Random Thoughts!

• There is nothing made that can't be made cooler by attaching lasers to it.
• If you cannot mimic the Doppler effect, don't even try making train sounds.
• If you do something stupid and you're single, chances that you'll be caught hover around 45%. If you're married, it hovers around 110%.
• War is hell. It's also true that hell can be found in the center of a freshly nuked Pepperoni Hot Pocket.
• Someone once commented that it would be refreshing if everyone just honestly stated what was on their minds without holding back. Refreshing in the "Great Snowy Leopard, I've dipped my eyeballs in hot wax!" kind of way.
• If a cat is upside down, it's important to remember that 83% of the exposed appendages are loaded with sharp pointy things.
• You're the only one that thinks that making a marriage proposal while copying Scooby Doo is funny.
• Dogs actually don't like to be hugged. Unfortunately for them, dog hugging is probably 10x more potent than any anti-depressant on the market today.
• Say what you will, but sometimes a person just needs a greasy cheeseburger, fries and a shake to make it through the day.
• Sometimes the quietest person, when gone, is the one you miss the most.
• Nietzsche said that the thing that does not kill us will make us stronger. If not, at least you'll have some cool scars to show off.
• Waterboarding torture techniques have been deemed cruel and unusual. The same could be said for Poetry Readings.
• The phrase, "HA! You'll never take me alive!" is not the proper response to, "Knock knock".
• Genetic experimentation gone wrong is the most likely explanation for Velveeta cheese.
• No matter how cute they look, rubbing your face on the tummy of a Siberian Tiger is not a good idea.
• The harder you try to imitate the lingo of a younger generation, the more you look pathetic.