Things to do or say during a business meeting.

1. Remember, whenever possible, use quotes from Winnie the Pooh to make your point. E.g. “As Winnie the Pooh would say, ‘Tut, tut, looks like rain.’”

2. You don’t know it, but that guy across from you, Mr. All Business, likes to watch Teletubbies. Alone. :shock:

3. It’s important to remember that in the corporate world, never let them see you sweat. Drooling, however, is OK.

4. Don’t forget to do that “stare at the ceiling to see how many people you can get to look, too” trick.

5. Ask the presenter if they can translate what they just said into your native tongue. Then choose some ancient dialect like Chaldean or Sanskrit.

6. Make today Opposite Day. If they get frustrated, tell them that Opposite Day was scheduled waaaay before the conference.

7. Whenever they ask you do do something, tell them that you have to have a consultation first. Then start talking into your purse or a binder, whatever, and then give an answer.

8. If the ask if anyone has questions, raise your hand (ala Horschak) and ask random questions. Is that a wig? Did your mom make that tie? etc.

9. Make up various and bizarre allergies as excuses why you can’t do something. Allergic to toner is one of my faves.

10. End every statement with “...or, as my dog would say, ‘Bark.’”

11. Ask everyone if they’re pregnant. Over and over again. Male or female. Twice in the same conversation.

12. Ask bizarre political questions at odd times: “So, you’re saying you would vote for Nixon to a third term? even if he’s dead?”

13. There is no shame in playing tabletop football during a meeting. There is, however, ample shame if you insist on being the Detroit Lions.

14. Why you tell them that something’s a bad idea, reference to the fall of Tyre in 336 BC and say that’s what THEY did.

15. If challenged, accuse the challenger of being an un-American fascist.

16. Act uber paranoid. Before speaking, cover up something like it has a listening bug. Talk like a spy: The Dogs run in June. Then wink knowingly.

17. Go totally OCD. Say you simply cannot continue until so and so straightens out their paper pile or combs their hair.

18. Go off on cheese tangents while speaking. Start talking about one thing, but end up talking about how beautiful provolone is.

19. Make is so every answer is highly classified and you can’t answer for fear of breaching national security.

20. Duck as you go through doorways. Explain to anyone that asks that you were a basketball star in a former life and you can’t seem to break the habit.

21. Get indignant and say, “Who used the black toner to copy these papers? I specifically asked for purple ink!”

22. Whenever possible, start each sentence with, “This reminds me of that Star Trek episode where....” then make up some weird plot line that has no context with the conversation.

23. Pick a random person in the meeting. Ignore them completely.

24. Repeatedly ask if it’s time for nachos yet.

25. Refer to yourself in the Royal Third Person. “We are not amused.” etc.

26. Make every attempt to tell people how much better things were in the Old Country.

27. Hold every piece of paper up to the light like you’re looking for hidden messages.

28. If someone disagrees with you, challenge them to a duel. “Swords at dawn.”

29. Take and record your pulse rate every three minutes.

30. Every so often, back away from the table and conduct a series of office chair yoga moves. Or Tai Chi.

31. Frequently ask if “this will be on the test.”

32. Keep telling the person waaay across the table to stop kicking you.

33. Every time a policy comes up, tell them that it was negated by the Treaty of Versailles.

34. “Wait, is this in English? Is nothing here done in American?”

35. Keep asking if it’s nap time yet or when the graham crackers and milk are coming.

36. “Sounds good, but what does the Dalai Lama have to say about this?”

37. Crumble up all your paperwork into tight little balls and say that it’s Office Stress Origami.

Royal Wedding Madness!!

Well, it's here. There's no way to avoid it now. The Royal Wedding is upon us. Oh, there's going to be frenzy, no doubt about it. Pomp, check. Circumstance, check. Really big hats, check.

Although Americans fought and won a vicious and protracted war two centuries ago against the UK, we still have an obsession with all things royal. Case in point, Princess Diana is still a Rainmaker to the cover of People magazine. Right up there with "The World's 50 Sexiest Industrialists and Cabana Boys."

OK, maybe "obsession" is a strong word. There are those of us that are still suffering a hangover from the Charles/Diana regalia almost exactly 30 years ago. (Yeah, 30 years.) There are probably some of us that aren't all that excited about the upcoming nuptials like others would be. I've seen more people camped outside "Best Buy" waiting for the new iPad than were camped out waiting for a good spot for the Royal Entourage parade.

Those of you that are looking forward to all the ritual and glitter that comes with a royal wedding, good on you. (Any bets that Prince Harry will meet some gal and get married in a small chapel officiated by a British Elvis?)

There are many of you that are NOT looking forward to the wedding, either because your invite got lost in the post, or you hate weddings or you're not looking forward to the months and months and months of tabloid coverage with various headlines like "Prince William Discovered to Be Lizard Person!" "Kate Has Affair With Bat Boy" or "Aliens Confer Royal Gifts to Newlyweds", etc.

If you're one of those that loathe the brouhaha that will come from all this, here is a list of things that you can do that would be a better use of your time.

• Watch reruns of the Charles/Diana wedding and tell yourself, "Well, THAT turned out well."
• Write a new Declaration of Independence to Prince William on behalf of the United States. You know, just to reaffirm our intentions with the upcoming Monarch.
• Do damage to your brain with a spoon.
• Start an office pool to see what child they will have first: Boy, Girl or some mutated Human/Bat Boy thing.
• Watch your cable PPV channel to see if they will air the "QEII/Camilla Wedding Smackdown". Oh, yeah. It's gonna happen.
• Tell your gullible coworkers that the Royal Couple will be spending their Honeymoon in the _______ State Park. (use a State Park that is very close to you.)
• Send flowers to yourself at work with a big card that says, "Sorry we missed you at the wedding. Hope to see you soon. Will & Kate"
• Spend hours imagining how fun it would be if a couple thousand Harley riders joined in on the procession in full Sturgis leather riding gear.
• Try to bribe the Bishop of Canterbury to do the vows like the guy in "Princess Bride" "Wuv... twoo wuv, wiw fowwoah you fowevah"... (OK, YOU try to spell that out phonetically)
• Crash as many local weddings in your area as you can, wearing a shirt that says, "Too Bad Your Wedding Will Be Forever Overshadowed By That OTHER Couple."
• Take shots of the Royal Wedding from online and Photoshop yourself in as many of them as you can. Sitting next to the Queen, giving the Bishop "bunny ears", kissing the bride, etc.

New Books You've Never Heard Of

Other books by A.A. Milne:

• Pooh and the Tax Evasion Charge
• Eeyore and the Bout With Prozac
• The Freudian Interpretation of Pooh's Thousand Acre Wood
• Owl's False Diploma
• The Day Tigger Went Into Rehab

Sequels to Gone With the Wind:

• Gone Even Further On That Darned Wind
• Wishing Gen. Sherman Would Go On That Wind
• Dang Wind Is Playing Havoc With My Hair
• Rhett Butler Investigating the Wind
• Mealy Mouth Melanie Talks About the Wind

Ernest Hemingway's other books:

• Papa Hemingway's Children's book of Depravity and Despair
• Hunting Endangered African Animals for Fun and Profit
• Shotguns I've Met and Loved
• Why I'm a Closet Vegan
• For Once, Can't I Just Embrace My Feminine Side?!

Unpublished Charles Schultz books:

• Peanuts and the Big Bar Fight
• Pig-Pen and Bath Day
• Linus and His Involvement in the Iran-Contra Affair
• CIA Agent Snoopy and the Red Baron Water Boarding Scandal
• Charlie Brown's Steroid Use Case

John Stienbeck's little known books:

• Jaunty Little Limericks of Death and Dysfunctionality
• Pleasant Bedside Stories of The Great Depression
• The Day the Pony Died and Other Happy Tales
• Poverty Stricken Migrant Workers and Their Charming Mythos
• Fun Adventures of the Indigent Oyster Farmers of Cannery Row

Arthur Conan Doyle's other stories:

• Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Wonky Biscuit
• Sherlock Holmes and the Case of My Burnt Morning Toast
• Sherlock Holmes and the Incident With That Idiot at the Pharmacist's
• Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Watson's Inability to Spell Big Words
• Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Prof. Moriarty's Using of Nasty Language Around Mrs. Hudson

Dr. Suess' later works:

• Interplay Between the Fascist Stars on Thars and the Anti-Stars Anarchists
• Green Egg Conspiracy Theory
• Hop On Pop Abuse Incident
• Why the Grinch Was Misunderstood By Society
• Horton Was Actually Hearing Impaired

Dr. Stephen Hawking's works before "Brief History of Time":

• Unfolding Cosmology of That White Chunk in My Pork and Beans
• Pithy Haikus Regarding Black Holes
• Quantum Physics and Motorcycle Repair for Dummies
• I Know Where Heisenberg Is AND How Fast He's Going
• Favorite Knock Knock Jokes About Worm Holes

Random Observances

Some Random Observations of Life:

• Über-nerds don't move their arms when they walk.
• Never borrow crayons from people who meticulously use the crayon sharpener. They'll never be happy with the returned crayon.
• The word, "Fine" has waaaaay too many definitions for everyday conversation. It's best left for the professional talkers.
• The building of one's burrito is a very private thing and should never be allowed to be done by strangers.
• No matter how interesting it is, the movie, "Ghostbusters" wasn't based on fact.
• Mimicking Sean Connery does not readily translate to mean that you will be as much of a chick magnet as Sean Connery.
• Making serious, long lasting relationship decisions via text message should be avoided at all cost.
• A man with a small, nearly hairless dog in his shirt pocket should be not be allowed to mingle with society.
• The same goes for a man with a large, muscle bound dog on a stainless steel leash and collar.
• You have the freedom of speech. Apparently, you also have the freedom of stupid. Try not to combine the two.
• Pancakes have almost no nutritional value. They do, however, exude in Vitamin Happy.
• Most of the best comebacks in the world occur two hours after the conversation has ended.
• Using a spice or a seasoning simply because it sounds good is not the best use of your culinary time.
• I'm thinking that most of the caustic and troubling issues brewing in the world could be solved by making a happy, wagging dog the General Secretary of the UN.
• If Pirates had hired Ninjas, history would've been much more interesting.
• The truth must come out. Kids: You probably will never have to use geometry or write in cursive. There. I said it.
• The ancient Egyptians used to bury their pharaohs with food so that they will have something to eat in the afterlife. I'd like the four meat pizza, please, with pepper jack cheese.
• At some point, we have to ask if Snow White would've really taken that apple from the creepy old woman.

Books I'd Like to See

BOOK TITLES I'D LIKE TO SEE:

From Jean Auel:

• Clan of the Nasty Little Buggers
• Hunter/Gatherer Accountants
• CSI: Neanderthal
• Land of the Bad Tacos
• Annoying Tree Hugging Earth Muffin Clan

J. K. Rowling:

• Harry Potter and the Botched Tuna Fish Casserole
• Harry Potter and the Unknown Foot Fungus
• Harry Potter and the Tax Audit
• Harry Potter and the Bum Assault Charge
• Harry Potter and the Northern Idaho Militia Scandal

Mark Twain:

• Tom Sawyer's Book of Quantum Mechanics Theories
• Huck Finn and Injun Joe Go To Washington as Lobbyists
• Steamboats and Their Insidious and Purposeful Destruction of the Mississippian Evironment
• A Thesis of the Interplay Between the Architects of the Southern Reconstruction and the Displaced Native American
• Wonky Biscuits of the Suez

Lewis Carrol:

• Alice in Detroit
• Alice Strung Out of Hallucinogenic "Looking Glass" Mushrooms
• Alice and the Mad Hatter's Successful Sit-In Against the Despotic Red Queen
• Wonderland's Annexation of Slovakia
• Cheshire Cat and the Root Canal

Charles Dickens:

• The Groundhog's Day Carol
• David Titaniumfield
• Nasty Little Sinus Infection That Disturbs My Soul
• Freaky Clowns That Lurk in My Basement AND NEVER STOP DOING THAT SMALL CAR TRICK!
• CLOWNS! CLOWNS IN MY GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES!

Albert Einstein:

• Hey, Look, The Bomb Wasn't Really My Idea, So Quit Calling.
• My Theory of Relativity is Very Relative, Relatively Speaking
• My Best Hair Style Ideas
• The Uranium and Plutonium Cookbook
• E=mc^2 Will NOT Help You Make the Perfect Omelette

Lilian Jackson Braun:

• The Cat Who Slung Hash At Shari's
• The Cat Who Beat the CRAP Outta the Barking, Annoying Dog Next Door
• The Cat Who Engineered Cold Fusion With Two Light Bulbs and a Pickle
• The Cat Who Didn't Really Do Much At All
• The Cat Who Worked Out The Unification Theory

Dr. Suess:

• I'm OK, but You're a Total Freak
• I'm Writing This Tripe So That You'll Buy the Book and I'll Become Rich
• This Book is Full of Made Up Words
• OK, Look, Green Eggs are Probably Not All That Good For You
• Blaxor, the Clear-Cutting, Amoral, Hedonistic, Carnivorous and Environmentally Damaging Redneck from Oregon

News from Around the World

AND, since I'm tired about reading the news of doom and gloom, I thought I'd share with you the OTHER things that are happening throughout the world.

• Barrilita, SPAIN: Northern village in Spain celebrates 250 years of dirt farming. The residents of Barrilita have been growing the best dirt for over 7 generations. Their certified organic dirt has been all the rage in the US for the last 35 years. "The dirt from Barrilita tastes so much better than the dirt we used to get from Watsonville." said Toomi Sorts of Beverly Hills.
• Norvogorgos, NORWAY: Up here in the frozen plains of Norway, there is a whole new way of geothermal energy. Argärd Goofersen, the mayor of Norvogorgos, has unveiled the new geothermal plant to astounded scientists who were invited to the town this weekend. As Mayor Goofersen said, "When my great-grandfather was a small boy, he started digging a small hole in his backyard. His mother said to him, 'Guföv! Do you plan on digging to the center of the earth?' He said, 'Yes.'" Apparently, for the last 80 years, the men of the Goofersen family have been digging in that hole until, finally last month, Argärd's brother, Lufska, dug into a pocket of magma 60 miles below the surface. The heat from that magma will generate the turbines of the town and create the energy needed for that whole region. Lufska, the brother of the mayor and the discoverer of the magma pocket is expected to be fine after the numerous surgeries necessary to graft new skin on his smoldering body.
• Wacky Noodle Ranch, Arizona, US: In this small, backwater town in the unforgiving desert pan of the American Southwest, history has been made. Sheriff Clem Lacomb shot his 5,000th varmint off of the Interstate. Sheriff Lacomb has been shooting varmints off of the Interstate for years. When asked what kind of varmints he had been shooting, the humble Sheriff merely stated, "Aw, you know, varmints. Future roadkill critters. Sometimes one of the Nestor clan would wander by and I'd shoot one of them, too, but mostly just varmints." Most of the "varmints" would be given to the St. Larry Orphanage South of town, he said.
• Small-Badger-by-the-Sea, Wolfferdshire, ENGLAND: Excitement is at an all time high here in this little village in Southern UK. A retired teacher, Edith Browntoodles, will be awarded the illustrious "Royal Green Stocking of Glamsford" from Prince Samuel later today. Apparently, Miss Browntoodles, back in World War II, was instrumental in the Battle of Slapblinkers Bay. In the early morning hours of April 20th, 1944, a regiment of German commandos tried to infiltrate into this English countryside through Slapblinkers Bay. Miss Browntoodles, then only 19 years old, was able to take different pieces of driftwood and beat off the enemy back into the sea from whence they came. This bit of heroic action was reported but summarily forgotten until the Home Office unearthed them earlier this year. When asked what Miss Browntoodles was doing down at the beach so early that morning, she simply said, "A girl never tells."
• Xiagong, CHINA: Central China, rough, nearly uninhabited, mostly ignored. That is until archeologists in that region make startling discoveries like this. It's in Xiagong that part of the Great Wall makes its serpentine path throughout this vast nation. It's in Xiagong that part of the Great Wall has crumbled, exposing some of the inner construction and incredible engineering of that marvel. Archeologist Flavius Porcoutini and his team from Milan, Italy, noted that the Great Wall was built following the course of a previous construct, the Great Fence of China. Apparently, and research is still ongoing, before there was a Great Wall, there was a Great Fence. A nicely done and maintained picket fence that wound up and down, back and forth throughout the Chinese frontier, with little signs that said things like "No Trespassing" or "Keep Out" or "Beware of Dragon". There is a slight possibility, said Dr. Porcoutini, that even before the Great Fence, there was a Great Hedge with possibly even a Great Property Line Tape.

A Short Middle Earth Encyclopaedia

We're having a LOTR movie marathon over here. Nice for a rainy Sunday afternoon. Because I've watched this a number of times, I'm able to watch it somewhat halfheartedly while also conducting some research. I've come up with a number of little known fact about "Middle Earth", the universe created by J. R. R. Tolkien.

Little known Wizards:

We all know about Saruman and Gandalf, and, perhaps to those true followers, Radagast. For years, I thought that these were it. I also thought that there were only three classifications of Wizards, e.g. Saruman the White, Gandalf the Grey and Radagast the Brown. However, I've discovered:

• Flinkerbatt the Pastel Blue: He had the enviable job of being the Wizard over tropical beaches.
• Percival the Paisley: Wizard of the Landed Gentry
• Clem the Denim: Wizard of Trailer Parks and cheap, canned beer.
• Jaye the Wool Blend: Urban areas, also known as the Metro-sexual Wizard.

Rings:

Three rings were giving to the Elf Royalty. Nine went to the Kings of Men. Seven to the Dwarven Lords. There were also five rings given to English Springer Spaniels who, in short order, lost the rings under the couch.

Ages:

First Age spanned from Creation to the Fall of Morgoth. Second Age was from the Fall of Morgoth to the First Defeat of Sauron. The Third Age was between the First and Second, Final Fall of Sauron. Fourth Age has been deemed the Age of Men.

• The Fifth Age was after the Fall of the Roman Empire to the Beginning of the Age of Reason.
• The Sixth Age spanned the years between the Age of Reason through the Industrial Age.
• The Seventh Age was between 1973 and 1981, the Disco Age. Of this Age, none shall speak.
• We are Currently in the Eighth Age, or the Age of TR.

Dwarves in the Hobbit:

Fili, Kili, Oin, Gloin, Thorin Oakenshield, Dwalin, Balin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dori, Nori, and Ori. The two youngest are Fili and Kili.

Supporting this group were lesser known dwarves at that time. Doc was there as were Grumpy and Happy. The Lollipop Kids from Oz helped out some early on, but they creeped everyone out, so they were cut loose. Professor Flitwick could only travel with them for short periods of time due to teaching responsibilities at Hogwarts.

Dragons:

In the Hobbit, there is only one dragon mentioned, the Dreaded Smaug. There were also other, unmentioned dragons:

• Garlax: The dragon that ruled over Southern Detroit. Probably the most feared of all the dragons.
• Proggy: Sort of the Uncle Dragon that no one invites to the Dragon Reunions. Likes to hang out in Honky Tonk bars in the Bayou.
• Terri: Stealthy minx of a dragon.

Ancillary Characters not in the movies:

Many aficionados of Middle Earth were sad when Tom Bombadil was not included in the LOTR Trilogy. I was also upset at this omission with the omission of:

• Greg Bombadil: Cousin of Tom's, tended the various, and less popular plants like Poison Oak and Kudzu.
• Lance Pergoon: The tenth Nagul, held in reserve until needed. Supplemented his Dark Rider salary as an IRS agent.
• Nigel Blanderhurst: Press Secretary to Denethor, Steward of Gondor. A really annoying cuss but he did have this really eloquent "spin" on the fall of Osgiliath.
• Leroy McChurdle: One of Aragorn's fellow Rangers of the North. Along with his issued long sword, Leroy also carried a brace of the first ever mentioned Colt .45's, "The Peacemaker".
• Doogimir: One of the Riders of Rohan, but had a severe allergy to horses. He rode around on an old, classic Schwinn Stingray with a Banana Seat. Sometimes, during parades and official duties, Doogimir would put playing cards in the spokes.
• Lucy Uman: Wife of Saruman. Really, really hated the shaggy, long beard/hair look on her husband. Frequently nagged him to go to a reputable barber.
• Pierre du Rond: Younger brother of Elrond, Lord of Rivendell. At the young age of 428, Pierre took his trust fund and went North. There he lived his life and pretty much squandered his inheritance on wild parties and participating in Extreme Snow Sports.
• Rusty: Brother of Boromir and Faramir of Gondor. Listed in the annals of Gondorian history as "The Clumsiest Member of the Steward Line". It was Rusty's fault that the first, and second main tower of Minas Tirith fell down.
  

Ents:

We all know Treebeard, the Ent who helped Merry and Pippin, but I was always at a loss as to the other names of the other Ents in the Entmoot:

• Bendybranch (Birch): Nice enough guy, just not too bright. As the Ent saying goes, "All branch and no leaf".
• Furrbark (Redwood): Biggest of the lot, and one of the oldest of the Ents. Furrbark comes from the mid-California coast, likes granola, long walks on the beach and frequently breaks up Entmoots with calls for prolonged Group-Hugs and campfire songs.
• Hank (Palm Tree): Hank came to the Entmoot from the South Pacific Division, but was, after a long deliberation, kicked out of the Entmoot when it was discovered that Palms are not really trees after all, but a large bush. Last reports have Hank doing well in the region's Bushmoot.
• BarryBerry (Blackberry bush): Not a tree at all, not even confused as a tree, but BarryBerry showed up one day at an Entmoot and no one could ever get him to leave.

Elven Clans:

Just like any other hierarchy systems, there are different clans of Elves in Middle Earth. Like the Elves of Lothlorien or the Wood Elves.

• Elves of 9th Street: More of a gang than a proper Elven Clan, the Elves of 9th Street run the local extortion rackets of NYC.
• Terrebonne Parish Elves: Deep Louisiana Delta Elves. Mixed with the Cajun and Creole inhabitants of the Bayous. Pretty much kept to themselves and didn't get too involved with the dealings of Middle Earth. Made killer Jambalaya instead of Lembas, the Elven Traveling Bread.
• Cloth Elves: A very non-violent Elven Clan. Well known for their various haberdasheries and shoe shops.
• The VonElve Family: A very endearing family of Elves that traveled the Swiss and German Alps, singing cute folk songs.

Hobbits:

We are familiar with the Baggins clan of the Shire, from which came Bilbo and Frodo. There are other septs, or off-shoots of the Baggins line, such as the Sackville-Baggins'. Here are other relations:

• Hoy-Baggins: Unnaturally tall hobbits with inordinately large feet.
• Freitas-Baggins: Desert hobbits that were known to live in and among huge packs of dogs.
• Campbell-Baggins: Hobbits of the North that would occasionally, and without provocation, paint themselves blue and attack their neighbors.
• Gorove-Baggins: Hobbits that lived in the east and had an obsession with explosives. Legend states that the Gorove-Baggins' were the ones that created the initial eruption of Mt. Doom.
• Marshall-Decker-Baggins: Eccentric hobbits that were best known for their advocacy of dragons.