Rules to Live By

Some personal credos that I like to live by:

I'd go to a concert that features a band that I used to like back in the '80's. I'd even consider going to a concert that features a tribute band to that group of the '80's. But never to a tribute band to a tribute band. I draw the line there.

Peanut Butter is a pretty universal food. Except in omelets.

Never knock on a bathroom door and ask, "Hey, what're you doin' in there, huh?" Seriously, you don't want to know.

Dogs and cats, no matter how cute, are, at their very core, predatory carnivores. You, regardless how cute, are primarily made of meat. It would behoove you to never forget this, for it is certain that it is always foremost on their minds.

A comedic sketch that is very funny the first time will only be half as funny the next time you hear it. If you hear it again, it will only half again as funny. This continues until you hear it again for the tenth time. At that point, the sketch becomes a form of torture wherein you will confess to crimes you've never committed.

People who laugh at their grandmothers should be taken to clandestine locations and never heard from again.

OK. We all get it by now. The book is better than the movie. Always. I'm still gonna watch it.

If you're watching someone describe the sound of a tornado, chances are, the describer had a hard time graduating the fifth grade. But they sure do make a good tornado sounds.

There is nothing as frightening as watching an angry woman chop vegetables.

Spending the afternoon cutting down a huge bramble of blackberry bushes may be cathartic to you, but it will just tick them off.

Culture is everything. Especially if you're yogurt.

A man who brags about photos he took with a P&S is only half a man.

Ignorance is bliss. Conversely, vast bits of knowledge just tend to irritate other family members.

If you have to explain a cartoon, it still won't be funny to them.

Kelp is not a food. It is about as appealing as going out and gnawing on your lawn.

There is a very fine line between a nice and informative blog and an electronic soapbox for that whacked out guy at the park who wears two different kinds of shoes.

If you're a guy and you spend more than two minutes wondering which shoes to wear to the event, you've crossed over a very important Rubicon into a very scary land.

You're not going to believe this, but I just found Kona's journal. Here are some of the entries from the last few days:

• OK, so a tall nice looking blond comes into my den. That's OK, but there's this other, smaller version that came in with her. I've been told that it's not a toy. Riiiiight.... It looks like a toy, sounds like a toy and feels like a toy. It's a toy. And it's all mine.
  
• The thing about this small human is that it has no hair. What's with that? No hair. The other humans have some hair, not nearly enough to cover all the pink, but they have hair. But this lap human has a just a hint of hair on top of the head, and that's it. Oh, dude, you're gonna be sooooo cold in the Winter.
  
• This little human, hereafter called Baby, makes this noise called crying. Wow. Little body, a whole lotta sound. Note: Barking at crying Baby does not solve problem. Must bark louder next time.
  
• Baby was just sitting there and the Blond wasn't paying attention. Look, the Baby was a mess. His face totally covered in... I don't know, whatever it calls food. So, I cleaned him. Nothing special, just the face, the neck, behind the ears and the hands. I was just trying to help. The Blond gets all up in my face about it. Whatever.
  
• Whoa.... the Baby thing has no teeth. Seriously. Well, OK, there are a couple of little white Chicklets on the front of the bottom jaw, but that's it. The thing is, what, eight months old? Oh, this thing is seriously defective.
  
• This Baby is a whole cornucopia of smells. And not all of them are good, let me tell you.
  
• Rex next door lied to me. Cheerios taste nothing like bacon. I ate nearly the whole box and not one of those little O's had even an inkling of bacon. I hate to say it, but I'm really disappointed in that.
  
• The Baby sleeps kinda funny. I suppose that's OK, but in order to make sure everything's OK, I have to keep poking him with my nose, which, of course wakes him up. Apparently, this is some sort of "Wrong" that has me going outside. Sheesh.
  
• OK, is it just me or does this not sound fair? You pull my ears or my tail, I drag you around by your diaper. Sounds totally fair. Obviously I'm the only one that thinks so here.
  
• I'm an easy sort of Dog. I consider myself to be pretty laid back and happy go lucky. I don't ask for much, really. Just. Don't. Touch. The. Rawhide.
  
• Oh, WOW! The Baby opened his mouth today and stuck out his tongue! I nearly fell over laughing! That's not a tongue! That's more like a Wanna Be Tongue, or a Practice Tongue! Geez, how does he even drink?

As most of you know, Tif and Jonathan are staying with us for a few weeks. This is a great opportunity for Lisa and I as we haven't had a lot of time with the grandbaby. I've been able to spend some quality moments with Jawathan (not a spelling error, btw). So far, I've taught him some of the fundamental and traditional tribal dances from our family. In exchange for this treat, he has been able to give me access to some of his thoughts:

• I'm not really sure what I want right now. I'm not hungry or sleepy. I'm not thirsty and there really isn't anything that I want. I guess the best plan right now is to keep crying until something comes along.
  
• Oh, wow. Did I just puke? I can't believe I just did that in public. My bad.
  
• Whoa, whatever Grandpa just made is completely loaded with cheese. I think I love him.
  
• Gads, here comes that dog with the ginormous tongu.... ugh... all over the face. Yeah, I need a towel.
  
• OK, Grandma, I get it. No, really. I get the idea. Yeah, yeah, I love you, too. Seriously, now. ALRIGHT, PYSCHO LADY, QUIT KISSING ME!
  
• Note to self: Sharing toys with Dog will most likely void the aforementioned toy's warranty.
  
• Not too sure what I should be doing right now.... Sooo... I guess blowing spit bubbles is in order.
  
• No, look, when I cry like that, it means that I want steak and potato, not that slimy green stuff in the little jar.
  
• LEGS! LEGS! WORK WITH ME NOW! C'mon, if that geezer Grandpa can walk, I should be able to, right?
  
• Oooo, fuzzy kitty.... I wonder what happens when you pull on the.... OK, I really hope that becomes a manly scar at some point.
  
• Are you seriously going to make me wear that? Oh, you are SO going to regret my teenage years.
  
• What's with you? That's not a "Aww-Isn't-He-Cute" face. It's a "I'm-Gonna-Hurl-Lunch" face. Just sayin'.
  
• No. No way. I'm tellin' you, if you put me in that car seat one more time, I'm gonna... well, do THAT. Now change my diaper. Again.
  
• I have no idea why you're all upset. I don't recognize you because from the ankles down, you all look the same.
  
• Do you all sound that way? Is that even a language? What the heck does, "Goo goo diddums" even mean? 
  
• Wait, you're telling me that it's going to take me fifteen more years before I can even hope to be considered "hulking"? Oh, that sucks.
  
• Whoa. Have I got a Super Colon or what? Wow.
  
• No, I have no idea what the slimy substance is on my hand. That's why I wiped it on you.
  
• Yeah, that's right. I'm crying. Again. Wanna know why? Well, let's see. You're eating something out of a container that says, "Ben & Jerry's", while I, on the other hand, am eating something out of a container that says, "Strained Peas". I think this mystery is solved, mmKay?
  
• Oh, please. Not the Five Cheeky Monkeys story again. C'mon. Read me some Cussler or Koontz for a change. At this point, I'd even take a hallucinogenic Dr. Suess.
  
• You know, after the first few bites, the dog's food isn't so bad.
  
• OK, Dog. Step away from the stroller. I have a weird plastic toy and I'm not afraid to use it.

Interesting tidbits about some of the US State Capitols:

Montgomery, AL: In 1819, upon becoming a state, the Alabama legislature made Montgomery the state capitol by only three votes. In second place was the name, "Rusty's Tavern".

Phoenix, AZ: Named after the mythological bird that plunged into the flames and was reborn anew. The Founding Fathers hoped that when Phoenix rose from the ashes, it would be a bit cooler. 'Parently, they were wrong.

Little Rock, AR: Chosen because, "Great Flipping Lump of Rock" didn't look good on a letterhead.

Sacramento, CA: Located on the mighty Sacramento River, this First City of California was finally picked as the state capitol only because the previous legislative center of the state, Monterey, was just too dang laid back. All the politicians just wanted to spend the day surfing. Sacramento was far enough away from anything remotely interesting so as to hopefully keep distractions at bay. Right....

Tallahassee, FL: Ten times picked as the winner of the annual Capitol with the Coolest Spelling Award.

Atlanta, GA: After Gen. Sherman sacked Atlanta in 1864 during the War Between the States, the Georgia congress searched for a more defensible city. The only place that had more fortifications was, oddly enough, the garage of Rev. Otis Cahooty.

Honolulu, HI: In the native tongue, Honolulu means, "Land of the Great Waves and Killer Dinners Wherein a Pig Is Roasted in a Pit All Day Long". Obviously, Honolulu is easier to write out.

Indianapolis, IN: If you look closely, you'll see the name of the state in the name of the city, "Indianapolis". Clever. Really, really clever.

Des Moines, IA: A tip of the hat to a time when French trappers roamed the land, Des Moines is French for "The Hairy, Stinky Trapper Guy". Or something close to that.

Baton Rouge, LA: Again, another allusion to the the French influence of the region. Baton Rouge is French for, "Red Stick". Apparently the city was named by a previous Governor who was suffering from too much Mardi Gras. When he sobered up, he had no idea what it meant. From that point on, the governors of Louisiana had to prove their sobriety before signing anything into law.

Annapolis, MD: Keeping with the tradition of naming all the important places in the area after women, the Framers of Maryland changed the name of Squidtowne to Annapolis.

Saint Paul, MN: So named because the other saintly candidate, St. Bartholomew was just too long and complicated to write out.

Jackson, MS: The state capitol is not named after the President Andrew Jackson, as some would surmise, but after that famous statesman, Thibodeaux Jackson, champion of the Shrimping Fleet. Well, OK, he's popular down the Delta way.

Helena, MT: Named after the wife of Larry, a cowboy in the area. Who knew.

Carson City, NV: Upon statehood in 1864, Carsonville was upgraded to Carson City.

Santa Fe: Interestingly enough, Santa Fe was originally supposed to be called Santa Felipe Juan Hildago de Corazon del Agua Sancta. Unfortunately, the person in charge of making the sign at the first train station ran out of paint and never finished. Thankfully.

Bismarck, ND: Named after a really tasty doughnut.

Columbus, OH: Contrary to popular belief, Columbus never visited the region.

Oklahoma City, OK: Surely confusing to some, this major city was so named because it's a city, in Oklahoma. A lot of thought went into choosing the right name for this state. Fortunately, this tradition never really stuck otherwise there would be an Oklahoma City, part II, Oklahoma Town. Oklahoma Burg. Oklahoma Unincorporated City. Oklahoma Village.....

Salem, OR: Because it's a nice name.

Harrisburg, PA: Most people think that this city was named after a person named Harris. Not so. The town plat was written down by a man who was almost illiterate, as was so often the case back in 1787. The man's name was Bill Ganter, and he had a dog named, "Harry". Or, as Bill wrote it, Harri. The city is named after Mr. Ganter's dog.

Pierre, SD: For 38 years, a feckless trapper named Pierre Chamboleaux was the only inhabitant of the area that would be known as South Dakota. He never trapped a single animal, but, due to his addled mind, he did write his name on every large rock he could find.

Salt Lake City, UT: Obviously named because the city was built near this great Salt Pan. No one really knows why they built it there. It sounds better than, "City Built On A Great Flat Wasteland".

Montpelier, VT: The French Capitol Name Winner for the last 218 years.

Olympia, WA: The natives in the area say that the meaning of Olympia means, "Cheap Beer", which is odd because the natives weren't introduced to beer for 150 years AFTER the city was founded by the Pabst tribe.

Cheyenne, WY: The Sioux Tribe first named this area Cheyenne from their language meaning, "Geez, who would want to live here?"

Something I realized today:

Einstein theorized that Space is best understood if you think of it as something like a soft blanket or a soft rubber mat. If something heavy were to rest upon that mat, it would sink into it, but if something light were to be on that mat, it would hardly make any kind of impression, right? Same with Space. If an item, like a planet, asteroid, star were to rest in Space, it would, due to it's density and mass, bend or warp Space. The more mass, the more it will effect Space. So, the earth, will create a divot, so to speak, that would be larger than the Moon because it has more mass. That impression, or divot in Space is what we call Gravity. Again, the Sun, because of its enormous mass and density, has a HUGE amount of gravity, more than the planet Mercury. See? Also, the farther you get away from the center of mass that is in Space, the farther you get away from that particular impression in Space, ergo, less gravity. 

Because of that, gravity is not a constant. It's relative to the mass, density and distance from the center of the mass in question. This is all part of that E=mc squared thing. So, if you're at the center of the Earth for some odd reason, you'd probably be crushed because you're so close to the center of the Earth's mass. But if you're a couple of miles away from the Earth's surface, thus being far away from the center of mass, you would not be under the effects of the gravitational pull of the Earth.

All that said to say this: I'm not overweight, I'm just too close to the center of the Earth.

TRIVIA AND NEWS FROM AROUND THE WORLD!:

South Africa: For centuries, the Southernmost point of Africa has been called the Cape of Good Hope. Sailors have used this promontory as a line of demarcation between the Atlantic and Indian Oceans. Notoriously rough seas have plagued ships in this region. So much so that many have forgotten that before 1238 AD, it was know as Cape of Outstanding Hope before it was was downgraded to Good Hope. In fact, in 1897, after the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgeorge, the International Marine Board tried to make it Cape of Average Hope, but the movement was thwarted by the advent of steam shipping.

Nepal: Many people know that Mt. Everest is the highest peak in the world. Fewer people know that, within view of Everest, the second highest peak, known as "K2", may be seen. The third highest peak, in view of these two mega-monoliths, is the story here. In 1964, Lord Otis Pemberton, Duke of Bluehaveshire, scaled what he thought to be Everest. What Lord Otis didn't know was that his Sherpa, Doug, had accidentally mixed up the maps. Undeterred, Lord Otis and Doug made the long and dangerous trek to the very top, only to discover that, further to the East, the real peaks stood. Doug, being the ardent and loyal Sherpa, recorded Lord Otis' remarks upon that discovery and to this day, the third tallest peak in the world is known as Mt. Ahcrap.

Polar News: The first explorers of the Northern wastes, noting the abundance of the polar bear, named the region the "Arctic" after the Greek word, "Arctos" or "Bear". Subsequently, the Southern region was called the "Antarctic", again from the Greek meaning "No Bear". Following this theme, some liberal scientists, wanting to update the atlas of the world submitted a request to change the Antarctic to "Antsevenelevenic". This request was summarily denied.

South Chile: When the explorer/captain Magellan circumnavigated the world, he sailed through a treacherous section of the seas; the Southern tip of South America, where the Pacific and the Atlantic Oceans converge with often great violence. This route is known as the Straits of Magellan. Later, Sir Francis Drake, explorer, captain, pirate, hero, took his Golden Hinde around the same area, but through a shorter path, thus called Drake's Passage. Even later, in 1979, an attempt was made to find yet a more effective course by Larry Finderghast. It might have been forever known as Larry's Shortcut, except he wrapped his bass boat around a glacier.

Pt. Barrow, Alaska: For centuries, countries have tried to find the elusive Northwest Passage, a route that would take the shipping lanes above the North American continent. What most people don't realize is that the Northwest Passage was found. That, actually, was never the problem. The problem arose when the ships would get into the Northwest Passage and run into the North Central Ice Block.

India: Any geology student will tell you that the land mass on which India rests is known as the Sub Continent. This is because the geological make up of that particular land mass is vastly different than the make up of the more Northern Asiatic land mass. That some millennia ago, India came crashing into the Asian Continent so hard it crumpled it and created the Himalayas. Because it is "newer" and more South than the rest, it is called the Sub Continent. In light of this, Russia has tried in vain to have the rest of the continent be referred to as the "Uber-Continent".

Turkey: News from the US Supreme Court today states that the ACLU is attempting to change the name of the Black Sea to a more proper and correct name of "Sea of Color".

International Marine Board, Brussels, Belgium: A new report coming out of this august body states that it is highly probable that a water molecule, considering the age of the planet, has spent some time in every body of water. Thus, one H2O structure could've floated around the Pacific, Indian, the Caspian Sea, North Sea, Lake Como, etc. over the last few eons. Because of this revelation, scientists are starting to feel uncomfortable calling the Pacific the Pacific if the water therein could have originated in the Baltic and has come to its current location via the Amazon River. Suggestions ranged from renaming the oceans Paciflantic or the North Medejavian Sea. Frustration ruled until Dr. Jim Henson submitted a name that is in keeping with other scientific names, i.e. Dark Matter or Big Bang. His suggestion, "The Big Blue Wet Thing".

Nepal: As most people know, Lake Titicaca, astride the borders of Peru and Bolivia, is known as the highest navigable lake in the world at 12,497 ft above sea level. The highest NON navigable body of water is Ngor Plangan's bathroom sink in Nepal at 15,688 ft above sea level.

Scandinavia: The legend states that Eric the Red, a Viking of the 11th century, wanting settlers to colonize his newly discovered land, called the promising new locale "Greenland". This, of course, is one of the earliest know examples of marketing in the Western civilization. Eric is also credited with calling another island "Iceland" so as to keep too many people from occupying that territory and thus deplete the fishing grounds. This of course makes one wonder what was going on when Finland was named.

Bend, Oregon, USA: Most of the high peaks in the Cascade range in Oregon are, in fact, not mountains at all, but volcanoes. Dormant, yes, but volcanoes nonetheless. Over on the Eastern side of the Cascades, three mountains stand as sentinels overlooking Bend. They are called the Three Sisters, and are thus named, Faith, Hope and Charity. Over the last few years, however, with the advance of science and with the aid of satellite imagery, it has come to light that there is a FOURTH sister lurking just beneath the surface. A bulge has been detected next to the three older sisters; technically, a magmatic bulge. If one were to wait a few millennia, one could possibly see the newest sister make her appearance. The news of the prenatal volcano has put some people off. Word of these anxious citizens has reached Dr. Archibald Leadwetter, a vulcanologist out of the USGS center in Portland, OR. Dr. Leadwetter's novel solution to ease the people of Bend is to create a 42 acre Clearasil pad and rub the area where the volcano is most likely to erupt. As Dr. Leadwetter says, "A volcano is just an Earth zit. My kids use Clearasil. Works like a charm. Should work just fine here." 

Mottos that countries COULD have used, but probably won't:

Canada: 

• A Whole Lotta Space and Not A Whole Lotta People.
• Where the Ice Age never really left

Belgium:

• We have cool waffles named after us
• We're the speed bump between Germany and France.

Russia:

• We like our letters backwards.
• Sometimes we just like to beat ourselves up, OK?

Italy:

• It's more than wine and pasta. We have good bread, too.
• We've got more statues than New Zealand has sheep

New Zealand:

• No, we've got more sheep than Italy has statues
• Gandalf slept here.

Greece:

• Come watch us crumble
• We used to have more gods than New Zealand has statues and Italy has sheep.

Australia:

• We're a country AND a continent. Beat THAT!
• Our wildlife is weird. Really.

Switzerland:

• You want mountains? Oh, we got your mountains.
• For a nation known for its neutrality, we make some killer knives.

Germany:

• Well, OK, so we occasionally lose a World War.
• Respect us. We brought you Oktoberfest.

Kyrgyzstan:

• Yeah, we can't spell it either.
• If placed correctly, we're worth, like, 3,000 points in Scrabble

Iceland:

• We grow glaciers, then melt them.
• This is what happens when you get a bunch of Vikings together on a small island.

Sweden:

• A Saab story
• We play Winter Games in June.

Denmark:

• Getting past Hamlet-gate one year at a time.
• We own Greenland. Not really sure why.

Nepal:

• We could really use some oxygen up here.
• Geez, who's idea what it to put a country in the Himalayas anyway?

Japan:

• We lost the war, and we took over the world.
• Careful, we know Godzirra.

Myanmar:

• Come see what kind of government we have this week!
• Monsoons: They really hate us.

India:

• It's like a Frat House prank: See how many millions of people you can squeeze into a country.
• Oh, we'll get that phone call for you.

Chile:

• A thousand miles long, ten yards wide.
• Keeping the Pacific Ocean from attacking Argentina for hundreds of years.

Bolivia:

• Sure, we don't have ocean beaches, but we do have Lake Titicaca.
• We're so cool, we have TWO capitols.