Saturday, August 27, 2011

Just another day in History... 27AUG11

The goal here is to have all 366 days done before I die.

410: The Sacking of Rome by the Visigoths ends. Wal-Mart on Palatine Hill is raided and denuded of all bread and milk.

1172: Henry the Young King and Margaret of France are crowned as junior king and queen of England. Along with their crowns, they received a pair of Junior King and Queen decoder rings and a key to the Royal tree house out back.

1776: The Battle of Long Island, in modern day Brooklyn, NY: The British forces defeat the American army under the command of George Washington. This is seen as Washington's biggest set back in his presidential campaign.

1813: Napoleon Bonaparte defeats a larger force of Austrian, Russians and Prussians. It takes these nations YEARS to get over losing to the French.

1859: Oil is discovered in Titusville, PA, leading to the world's first commercial oil well. Within a week, gas prices shoot up to 5¢/gallon. Congress begins investigations into price gouging.

1861: Union forces attack Cape Hatteras, NC. No real reason, it just seemed like a good idea at the time.

1896: Anglo-Zanzibar War: A war between the United Kingdom and the island nation of Zanzibar. It lasted only 38 minutes, shortest war in history. The Prime Minister in the UK admitted years later that the economy didn't really get that anticipated boost from the war effort.

1916: Romania declares war against Austria-Hungary 14 months before World War I ends. Just in the nick of time, too.

1922: The Turkish army takes the Aegean city of Afyonkarahisar from the Greeks. The Greeks, in a bold retaliatory move, drink ouzo until their noses bleed.

1927: Five Canadian women file a petition to the Supreme Court of Canada, asking, "Does the word 'Persons' in the British North America Act, 1867, include female persons?" To which the Supreme Court of Canada replied, "Yes". Later, each of the Supreme Court justices said that if they answered in the negative, they would've been spending the rest of their lives sleeping on the couch.

1928: The Kellogg-Briand Pact is signed by 61 nations. The Pact, in short, made war illegal. Eleven years later, WWII started. Nice.

1985: The Nigerian government is peacefully overthrown by Army Chief of Staff major General Ibrahim Babangida. Gen. Ibrahim calmly walked into the presidential offices and sat down behind the desk while the acting president took a potty break down the hall. Gen. Ibrahim's first act as ruler was to order the bathroom to be relocated closer to his office.

1991: The European Community recognizes the independence of the Baltic States, Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania. It took Europe a while to recognize the independence because the independence paperwork was wearing a wig and big sunglasses.

1993: Tokyo completes the Rainbow Bridge connecting Shibaura and the island of Odaiba. Immediately afterwards, reports of thousands of ghost dogs loitering about the North end of the bridge, all seemingly waiting for something or someone.

2003: Mars makes its closest approach to Earth in nearly 60,000 years. Not quite spitting distance, but the members of the Alpha Tau Omikron fraternity decide to "moon" the passing planet just for good measure.

Friday, August 26, 2011

This Day in History 26AUG11

This day in history!!! (It's been a while since I've done this, so, hopefully, your tolerance is up):

55 BC: Julius Caesar invades England. The Romans move steadily into the interior of the island, but mayhem ensues as the forces near London. It appears that no one informed the Romans about driving on the left or how to negotiate the roundabouts.

1346: During the Hundred Year's War, the English longbow proves to be superior to the French crossbow. Apparently, the English longbow would've been a really good idea 1400 years previously when Julius came around town.

1429: Joan of Arc makes her triumphant entry into Paris. She was only 17 at the time and she only had about two years to go before she was burned at the stake. Had she known that beforehand, she might've spent some time down in Marseilles during Spring Break.

1498: Michaelangelo is commissioned to carve the Pieta which became one of the most exquisite works of art known to man. Unfortunately, the first attempt by the Master was a total mistake as Michaelangelo misunderstood the contract. Even so, when Michaelangelo was done, it was the most beautiful marble carving of a pepperoni and sausage pizza ever.

1789: In France, the newly formed National Constituent Assembly of France approved the Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen. Up to then, only the Man had rights and the Citizen was completely left out of the process. This was a big step in equal rights for all Citizens everywhere!

1814: The Chilean War of Independence: The Battle of Las Tres Acequias. It originally started out as the Battle of Las Dos Acequias, but another Acequias showed up at the last moment without an invitation and the whole thing had to be renamed.

1883: Krakatoa blows up. No, really, it seriously blows up. Vaporizes. The island in the South China Sea just up and explodes. It's important to point out at this time that Zane had nothing to do with it.

1944: World War II: Charles DeGaulle enters Paris. He, however, doesn't look nearly as cute as Joan of Arc so the turnout isn't as good.

1966: The Nambian War of Independence starts with the battle at Omugulugwombashe. Although this is the official start of the war, people usually site the battle of Crimsha as the first battle because no one can spell Omugal.. Omuguluggawa... that other name.

1970: The feminist movement, led by Betty Friedan, leads a nationwide Women's Strike for Equality. You know, after they made the dinner and put the kids to bed first.

1977: The Charter of the French Language is adopted by the National Assembly of Quebec. No one's been able to understand a thing they've said since.