Thursday, September 30, 2010

Just a few more....

  • The flame decals on your Kia don't fool anyone.
  • If your motorcycle has panniers, saddle bags, a tank bag, a sidecar and it tows one of those little trailers behind, then you might be missing the point, methinks.
  • Ever look back upon the fashions of twenty years ago and ask, "What the heck was I thinking?"
  • Taking a cell phone with you on vacation defeats the "getting away" aspect.
  • If you argue and debate about the strategies and tactics used by the characters of a zombie movie, then you probably need to lighten up a smidge.
  • Those pants never make her butt look big. Never. Neh. Ver. Nevernever.
  • Yes, you have the right to say, "Whatever" to your dad just as he has the right to Gerber slap you into tomorrow.
  • Just know that many things written online can be misconstrued due to the lack of body language and tonal inflections.
  • Unless the phrase is, "I hope you suck on rocks and choke, you leaking bag of lutefisk." It's hard to misinterpret that, you know?
  • I think, sometime in the near future, we'll be able to tell our grandkids about our childhoods when we'd sit around and recklessly eat peanuts by the handful.
  • The people that lived through WWII are often called "The Greatest Generation". Sorta sucks the wind out of our motivational sails, yeah?
  • The word, "Feckless" doesn't get used nearly enough.
  • To those people that continually get stellar check-ups from the dentist's office every six months: No one really likes you, OK? Freakin' Dentist's pet.
  • Diets are good. Portion control, counting calories, eating light, all that. But at some point a man must answer the call of the wild to go out and bag himself a big, greasy cheeseburger, fries and a shake.
  • Hey, I can respect those that are smart, witty, good looking, talented and wealthy just as they can respect that I'm... uh... oh, nevermind.
  • To avoid embarrassment, you should know that in formal debates, the phrase, "I hope you eat fanged death, you mutant!" isn't really allowed.
  • Though it should be.
  • You will rarely hear someone request extra cumin at a restaurant.
  • Yes, the people flying in first class are eating better food than you. But remember, they also will be the first to be squashed when the plane flies into the side of that mountain. There's some comfort in that.
  • When you hear the phrase, "Comfort Food", you should translate it in your head to mean, "This is what we cobbled together to eat when we were too poor to buy groceries."
  • Wednesday, September 29, 2010

    One Day's Random Thoughts

    OK, here's the deal. My job doesn't really required much brain power. So most of my day has my grey matter sitting in idle. What happens during this time is that I start getting random thoughts that sort of drift through the vast expanse of empty cranium. I decided to write them down as they occurred.
    1. If I have to stare at you for longer than 15 seconds in order to determine if you are male or female, I should have the right to levy a fine against you.
    2. If your first idle thoughts take you to the video game waiting for you at home, it might be high time for you to read a book or two.
    3. If you are on a first date and, for whatever reason, you decide to recite Hamlet's "To be or not to be" soliloquy entirely in Klingon, don't expect a second date.
    4. It follows, however, that if she knows all of Ophelia's lines in Klingon, you may marry her, but not reproduce.
    5. A man that can cook isn't all that surprising. A man that can cook without using copious amounts of cheese, is.
    6. Purchasing and using a deodorant named "Studmuffin" will NOT make it so. It changes your stench, not your DNA.
    7. The slowest, most annoying drivers on the road drive Volvos.
    8. Of those Volvo drivers, the most annoying are the owners of the Volvo Station Wagons.
    9. If your idea of cheese is the kind that does not require refrigeration and/or comes in a jar, get out of the gene pool. Now.
    10. You get extra points if you know that Tumeric is a spice and not the name of a Viking in the 10th century.
    11. There are those that can pull off the "chrome dome" look with class. All the rest, well, Dude, you look like a roll-on.
    12. The problem is that people see alcohol as "liquid courage" when, in point of fact, it should be called, "Instant Stupid Elixir".
    13. There are some yoga positions that should be renamed, "I now know waaaay too much about you".
    14. One of the annoying things about growing older is having a physician that looks like she's twelve years old.
    15. Unless you are a competitive, Olympic class swimmer, burn the Speedo.
    16. Apparently, the list of plausible excuses for being late for work does NOT include, "I just wanted to sleep in".
    17. Be warned: Constantly asking for temporary "Me Time" will eventually result in permanent "Me Time".
    18. If you have your face tattooed, it may say to your friends, "I'm cool. I'm hip. I'm trendy." To everyone else, it says, "I don't wish to be gainfully employed."
    19. One should not endeavor to paint one's car after imbibing one's keg of beer.
    20. Men in eye patches should not be messed with.
    21. Especially if they have a hook instead of a hand.
    22. However, if the eye patched and hooked fellow also has a parrot on his shoulder, then you're at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride and you can mess with him all you want.
    23. Nothing alters your reality so harshly as hearing the songs that fueled the Summers of your youth now being played on the Muzak speakers at the dentist's office.
    24. A guy that knows 80% of the lines to Monty Python's Holy Grail isn't so bad. If that same guy knows 80% of the lines to "Terms of Endearment" then that's wrong. Very, very wrong.
    25. Ad agencies that once used the voice of James Earl Jones now use the voice of Morgan Freeman.
    26. Ad agencies that don't want to use Morgan Freeman can't go too far wrong with using the voice of Sam Elliot.
    27. Keeping abreast of all the current UFO sightings in your area does not an intellectual make.
    28. If you're about to eat an entree that contains the word, "Florentine", just know that you're about to have a whole lot of spinach foisted upon you.
    29. If 14 minutes is too long to make your dinner, it's probably a good time to reassess your scheduling paradigm.
    30. If your idea of dinner is a handful of microwaved fish sticks formed into the shape of little dinosaurs, then you lead a sad, lonely life.
    31. There is no shame at crying at movies. There is, however, ample shame if you cry more than your nine year old niece.
    32. It is not advisable to ridicule "carnies" just before climbing into that County Fair "Whirl-a-Puke" ride.
    33. If the dinner recipe includes the phrase, "Mix in the contents of the Cheesy Powder packet" then, wow. Just, wow.
    34. Any film that sports the Cannes Film Festival palm frond logo will not be about zombies and will not star Bruce Willis.
    35. It's a strange world when preadolescents know more about technology than their grandparents who helped create it.
    36. Respect your elders. They're the ones that created the Atom Bomb using only slide rules and guesswork. In other words, they're scary as heck.
    37. Spending the evening searching YouTube for all your favorite Disco songs of the 70's is not a good usage of your time.
    38. If you decide to paint your body in favorite football team's colors just before you watch the game, at home, alone, then there's a good chance the meds aren't working that well for you.
    39. They say that kids that wear their pants so low that the public can see most of their boxers are just making a statement. And that statement is, "I don't know how to dress."
    40. The coaching tips that you yell from your nose bleed section seats to the players all the way down on the field will NEVER be heeded. Trust me on this.
    41. It is believed that 99% of the people who sniff the wine cork have no idea WHY they're sniffing the wine cork, they just know they're supposed to do it.
    42. It's hard to give a complicated coffee order and maintain your dignity at the same time.
    43. You will buy and bring exactly 2.7 times more food than you need for the camping trip.
    44. But you will never bring enough socks or blankets.
    45. Unless you've dropped acid within the last 12 hours, don't expect to understand any Led Zeppelin song.
    46. The most underrated virtue of a good wife is to tolerate you when you're sick and whiny.
    47. Placing bets on the outcome of the Cola Wars is not a sign of good fiscal responsibility.
    48. It's almost impossible to hear the grammatical phrase, "dangling participle" and not get all Junior High-ish in your thoughts.
    49. Women want equal rights. Until they get cold. Then they just want your coat.
    50. Nature abhors a vacuum. And hairless cats. And probably Pabst beer.
    51. At some point, someone's going to have to tell Angelina Jolie that collecting children is a bad hobby.
    52. Does anyone see the irony in finding so many books written about creating a paperless society?
    53. The simple rule is that there is at least one vowel in each syllable of a word. Failure to grasp this basic fact is the reason why the Balkan States are so angry all the time.
    54. There is a fine line between having someone be a "Facebook Friend" and being stalked by an acquaintance.
    55. You cannot expect to be taken seriously if you speak of environmental concerns then drive off in an SUV the size of a county.
    56. It's great that you have such a high metabolism that allows you to eat whatever and how much you want without gaining weight. Bragging about this to your overweight friends will, however, get your skinny butt squashed like an insignificant bug.
    57. Calling your car by its make (e.g. the Lexus, the Mercedes, the Beemer, etc.) will not garner you any respect, but will, in fact, cause people to mock you mercilessly.

    Averages about one obscure thought every 9 minutes. Anyone else have this issue?

    Thursday, September 16, 2010

    New Bumper Stickers!!

    It's that time again!!

    NEW BUMPER STICKERS!! *imagine crowd cheering here*

    • Use hard plastic; makes for sturdier landfills
    • Ozone Layers fear me
    • I Support Litter Patrols
    • You can have my styrofoam when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers
    • I'm all for Global Warming: it'll save of heating costs, right?

    "Out There" stickers:
    • Honk if your horn is broken!
    • Fig Newton Liberation Front
    • The Indian in my Cupboard started a Casino
    • Clowns! Clowns in my Distributor Cap!
    • Honestly, though, Flying Monkeys aren't all that aerodynamic.

    • Genghis Khan for Emperor
    • I'm the President for the Local Anarchist Committee
    • I watched Lord of the Rings and I VOTE!
    • I'm an Independent Republicrat and I'm voting "Maybe" on Measure 6
    • Vote for Larry for Governor cuz I feel sorry for him.

    • If I roll three 6's, will my Yahtzee board burst into flames?
    • Is the Prius just a seriously atrophied muscle car?
    • If we sold North Dakota to Canada, would anyone notice?
    • At what point do we look at the National Debt and say, "Aw, Heck with it. Let's just buy Bolivia"?
    • Shouldn't Non Alcoholic Beer be better labeled "Non Potable Water"?

    Wednesday, September 15, 2010

    Headlines I'd Like to See

    I've been a news hound for years. I love reading news. Lately, though, it's been really depressing. So I've decided to make up some headlines that I'd like to see:
    • Man in Yellow Hat Smuggles in Monkey: Ebola Fears Abound
    • People With No Stars on Thars Hire ACLU to Represent Them in Case
    • Coyote Joins Class Action Suit Against ACME Products
    • Mario Found With Illegal Hallucinogenic Mushrooms: Claims "Job Related"
    • Cat in the Hat Arrested: Illegal Entry and Child Endangerment
    • Sonic Hedgehog Caught in Performance Enhancing Sting Operation. Mark McGuire Testifies: "He was in the bathroom stall next to mine. He was popping PED's like candy. He even had a Pez dispenser full of HGH."
    • Salmonella Found in Green Eggs. Sam I. Am Taken Into Custody
    • Red Riding Hood Arrested in Grandma Kidnapping Case. Red Blames Mythical "Wolf"
    • Just Before Humpty Dumpty "Suicide", Special Counsel Found Links to Clinton Whitewater Scandal.
    • Scrooge McDuck cited on 12 Counts of Racketeering and In Violation of 7 Anti-Trust Laws
    • Spot Mauls Jane
    • Little Train That Could Lied to Committee: Hill Not That Steep After All
    • Not That Miraculous: Incredible Journey Dog Used GPS
    • Sheriff Busts Shaggy in Huge Marijuana Raid. Freddy: "Not that surprised, really."
    • Local Farmer Uses Pesticides on Crops- Inadvertently Wipes Out Smurf Colony
    • Scrappy Doo Found Shot, "Execution Style", in New Orleans. Crowds Celebrate on Bourbon Street.
    • Marvin Martian Actually Long Time Resident of Luxembourg
    • Fourth Little Pig Found in Personal Concrete and Titanium Bunker in Idaho Panhandle. FBI Discover Huge Weapons Cache
    • Pepe le Pew Arrested on Stalking/Harassment Charges.
    • PETA Targets Elmer Fudd
    • GI Joe/COBRA Peace Talks Stall
    • Speed Racer In Custody For Excessive Speed: 165 mph in School Zone. Mach 5 Impounded
    • Dudly Do Right Resigns Commission, Dumps Nell, Trades Horse in on New Harley Then Goes in Search of Snidely Whiplash to "Kick His Mustachioed Butt"
    • Orkin Man Accidently Incapacitates Spiderman During Routine Pest Control Job
    • Batman Trades in Batmobile for New Batprius
    • Nemo's Nautilus Only Able to Go 10-15 Leagues Under the Sea: Disappointing Design Flaw
    • Caspar Not That Nice: Dumps Wendy the Witch for Daphne of Scooby Doo Fame
    • Truth Comes Out: Popeye HATES Spinach; Prefers Mandarin Oranges
    • Mickey Mouse's Squeaky Voice Result of Low Testosterone Levels: Minnie: "This explains a lot."
    • Superman: I LIKE Wearing Spandex All The Time
    • Captain Kangaroo Actually Wallaby
    • Mr. Rogers Wanted to Replace "Trolley" with MagLev Monorail
    • Pack of Velociraptors Blamed for Flintstone Disappearance in Bedrock Massacre
    • Cookie Monster Originally Slated to be Bloody Hunks of Raw Harp Seal Meat Monster
    • Sesame Street's "Count" Deported: Expired Visa
    • Judy Not Really George Jetson's Daughter!
    • Last Episode of "Lost" Originally Scripted to Include Cast of "Gilligan's Island" in Bizarre Crossover Plot-Twist
    • David the Gnome Paid Informant for Hobbits
    • Elmo Snaps: Tells Kids "Quit &^$# Tickling Me! It's %$@+ˆ©¥ Creepy!"
    • "Stone" in Sword and the Stone Dicovered to be Just a Large Buttermilk Biscuit. Arthur Abdicates Amid Riots
    • Cinderella's Shoe Shatters: Suffers Severe Lacerations to Left Foot
    • Wonder Woman Files Sexual Harassment Suit Against JLA: Says "That Aquaman is a predator!"
    • BP Oil Spill Threatens Sponge Bob's Home Reef
    • Ronald McDonald Frustrated Poet: No One Takes Me Seriously
    • Diabetes Cases Soar Among Oompa Loompas: Wonka Faces Medical Insurance Nightmare
    • Eccentric Hermit Woman Found Dead in Woodland Home: Hansel and Gretel Sought For Questioning
    • Nostradamus Admits: "I was plastered on cheap meade while writing most of those Quatrains. I didn't know what the heck I was doing."
    • Rust Slows Down Iron Man: Complete Suit Overhaul Needed
    • Bullwinkle Did Not Have Enough Credits to Graduate: Whatsamatta U. Revokes Diploma
    • Little Orphan Annie, Graduates form UC Berkeley, Disavows Daddy Warbucks as "Merchant of Death"
    • Lassie Gets UTI, Ruins Timmy's Bedspread
    • King Kong and Godzilla Team Up to Remake Classic "Road" Movies
    • Incredible Hulk's Purple Pants Finally Give Out: Hulk Arrested for Indecent Exposure. "It was just a matter of time, I guess," says Captain America
    • DNA Test Prove That X-Man "Wolverine" Is Actually Badger
    • Scarlet Letter Found to be a "Z": Hester Prynne was Zombie!
    • APB Sent Out for Dorothy Gale: Listed as Prime Suspect After Being Seen Fleeing Murder Scene in Western Oz.
    • New Finding on Zapruder Film Confirms Charlie Brown as Second Gunman on "Grassy Knoll" During JFK Assassination

    That's the kind of news I'd like to read.