Friday, October 23, 2009

Animal Shelter Glossary

Animal Shelter glossary:
  • Needs Leash work: If untethered, this dog will sprint to the nearest county, which is probably how it got to the shelter in the first place.
  • No Children: Dog loves to snack on kids for Sunday Brunch.
  • (specific breed)-mix: Kind and sweet domesticated breed blended with a rabid, throat rendering, vampiric Pit Bull
  • Not House Broken: English Sprinkler Spaniel
  • Energetic: If you could tap the energy in this dog, your state would be free from the confines of foreign oil.
  • Affectionate: Loves to slobber, aka kiss, anything that moves.
  • Great Hunter: Will not rest until every single bird in 100 square miles has been chased off.
  • Knows Tricks: Dog is probably more intelligent than most elected officials.
  • Good with Cats: Is able to chase, corner, harass and juggle cats quite well.
  • For a Single Dog Family: After years of being on the Extreme Cage Dog Fighting circuit, The Mangy Mauler would like to retire.
  • Calm, great for Older persons: Dog has been cross bred with a throw rug.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


The Harry Potter books were a smash. They follow the life of a young wizard up until he gets to 17. But what books can we expect now that he's an adult?
  • Harry Potter and the Deviant Tax Forms
  • Harry Potter and the Day Old Bagel Dilemma
  • Harry Potter and the Road Rage Incident
  • Harry Potter and the Bad Service at Subway
  • Harry Potter and the Round of Lay Offs at Work
  • Harry Potter and the Receding Hairline
  • Harry Potter and the "Failure to Commit" Speech from the Girlfriend
  • Harry Potter and the Middle Aged Spread
  • Harry Potter and the Jury Duty Summons
  • Harry Potter and the Parent/Teacher Conferences

Headlines from Dr. Seuss' World:
  • Horton Pleads Insanity
  • The Stars on Thars Terrorist Plot
  • Green Eggs Found to Have E Coli
  • The Grinch Blames Tax Hikes for Foul Mood
  • Hatted Cat Busted for Criminal Trespass
  • The Lorax Pays for Deck Made with Endangered Woods
  • Contract Negotiations Break Down in Yertle the Turtle Talks
  • Hopping on Pop Caused Burst Appendix
  • Thing 2 Quits: Refuses to Be Just a Number
  • Economy Forces Bart Cubbins to Sell Off Hats

Little Known Faery Tale Facts:
  • Before she made it into the Big Time, the Little Mermaid broke into the movie biz as Aquaman's girlfriend.
  • Sleeping Beauty actually suffered from insomnia and had to fake all the sleeping scenes
  • Cinderella was first billed as Francesca, the Glass Shoe Wearing She-Pirate, but the demographics didn't like it.
  • In the first drafts, Hansel and Gretel were able to escape from the Witch's cottage with the help of his AK-47 and a few judiciously placed K-Bar knives.
  • Humpty Dumpty's demise was caused by a huge oversight by the King's Men. Not one of the people on scene thought to dial 911.
  • The whole Red Riding Hood debacle could have been avoided if the State had given Red her concealed weapons permit as she asked.
  • Goldilocks' parents were eventually brought up on Child Endangerment charges for allowing their daughter to roam freely through Bear houses.
  • Regardless of rumor, Rip van Winkle only slept for 15 years. The remaining 5 years were spent hanging out in Monterey, CA.
  • Rumplestiltskin wasn't a dwarf at all. He was a stock broker from Manhattan. "Spinning straw into gold" is just a euphemism for trading risky stocks.
  • Rapunzel was actually doing hard time in Solitary Confinement when the "Prince" busted her out. They were both later caught at the Kentucky border.
Superman's other fears besides Kryptonite:
  • Too much starch in the tights.
  • Getting the shirt inside out and being the laughing stock at the Hall of the League of Justice
  • Letting loose with a Supersized burp and causing some serious wind damage to the Fortress of Solitude.
  • Lending Lex Luthor the Game Cube and NOT getting it back.
  • That his dad really does look like Marlon Brando
  • That Lois Lane thinks that Jimmy Olsen is hotter than he is.
  • That the phone booths aren't as private as he thought
  • That someone will catch on to the whole "spin the earth backwards to reverse time to play the winning lottery numbers" trick.
  • All the superpowers in the world cannot reverse the bald spot
  • That Supergirl has a bigger fan base than him.

Monday, August 17, 2009

More Random Ten Counts

Things that really bug Santa:
  • Hot, muggy nights over Miami.
  • Those joker elves that gave the reindeer chili con carne on December 23rd
  • The big black belt that really chafes on those long Trans Atlantic flight.
  • Two words: Dirty Flues
  • Sugar free chocolate chip cookies and skim milk
  • Stinkin' Easter Bunny keeps trying to borrow the sleigh for some date night
  • Wool allergies
  • Strangers that keep dropping his name in conversations
  • Elf Unions
  • Congestion over O'Hare

Shows that Never Made it to Prime Time:
  • Race to REM Sleep!
  • Identify That Fungus!
  • Cooking with Paste
  • Barbara Walters Interviews Various Second Grade Teachers
  • The Kia Racing Circuit
  • Grammar Wars!
  • American Dominos Championships
  • Humorous Anecdotes from Accounting
  • Velveeta Cheese Architecture Throughout Wyoming
  • X-Treme Snail Racing

Concert Tours that Died Before They Even Started:
  • Jethro Tull and Barry Manilow
  • Jefferson Airplane with Barry Manilow
  • Boston opening for Barry Manilow
  • The Fleetwood Macilow Tour
  • Streisand/Manilow duets
  • Luciano Pavarotti and the Copa Cabana Band
  • Barry Manilow in the Talking Heads Tribute Tour
  • John Tesh/Barry Manilow "I'm In A Coma" Tour
  • Bryttney Spears and Barry Manilow Dance Mix Concerts
  • The Barry Manilowapalooza

New Flavors from Coke:
  • Diet Coke and Jalapeno
  • Sprite with Lye
  • Classic Coke with Radiator Fluid
  • Fanta Avocado
  • Minute Maid Broccoli-Ade
  • Diet Coke with Stuff We Found Under the Fridge
  • Deep Fat Fried Barq's
  • Canada Dry Banana Ale
  • Powerade Salted Pork
  • Coke and Clam

Shampoo/Conditioner scents:
  • Mint and Plastic Bed Sheets
  • Ocean Spray with Dead, Dried Kelp Sprinkles
  • Meadow Muffin
  • Tingly Tire Iron
  • Cranberry with Crankshaft Oil
  • Dandruff Control with Hospital Air Scent
  • Basil 'n' Gravel
  • Cilantro Salsa Blends
  • Herbal Tabasco
  • Subtle Marinara with Extra Hold
Signs That We've Gone Too Far:
  • Root Beer with Real Roots!
  • Low Fat Pork Rinds
  • Olive Oil That's More Virgin Than Your Ugly Aunt Gertrude From Fremont
  • John Denver: The Club Dance Mix
  • Fiber Cereal So Potent, You Better Eat This In The Bathroom
  • Low Sugar, Low Cholesterol, Low Sodium, Low Fat, High Fiber, High Protein Oreos.
  • The Pacifistic, Unarmed and Peace Loving Army Men Toy Set
  • Prius Hot Wheels
  • Black and Decker Liposuction Wet/Dri Vac
  • Old Growth Man and Ozone Girl Fighting Global Warming Man and his CFC Henchmen on Saturday cartoons

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Some Little Know Oregonian History

As some of you know, Oregon turns 150 years old this year. Yup. In 1859, we ceased being a Territory and became a state. Throughout the year, many newspapers have been going on and on about various points of Oregonian history. Always with the brightest and kindest points along the timeline. And they should. It's a big moment in the state's history. Makes one feel good about being a part of this great corner of the US.

Well, as you can imagine, 150 years is a lot of time and there are so many overlooked events in our history. I did vast research and I was able to dig up many little nuggets of history that I would like to share with you.
  • February 14, 1859: Pres. Buchanan signed the bill allowing Oregon to become a state.
  • February 15, 1859: Pres. Buchanan was quoted as saying, "I did what? Who let me sign anything after the Valentine's Day party?"
  • February 15, 1859: The first signs reading, "Californians Go Home" appear on the border.
  • January 16, 1860: The Oregonian Constitution is drafted on the back of a Henry Weinhard's Blue Boar Ale label.
  • March 23, 1860: As a joke, Lenny Becksworth, one of the first representatives in the new government, submitted Salem to be the capitol city. Other congressmen thought it was funny and voted for it. When Salem was chosen as the City of the State, all were surprised. Portland never allowed Lenny to enter the City of Roses.
  • April 25, 1860: Fist fights broke out on the Oregon Senate floor over the proper pronunciation of "Willamette".
  • October 15th, 1861: Catching the Civil War fervor, Chief Unkluk of the Umpqua tribe stood before both houses of state congress and said, simply, "Yankee go home."
  • October 16th, 1861: Not to be outdone, Chief Wet Salmon of the Coos tribe told the Oregon governor, "Hey, pull my finger."
  • June 28th, 1872: The beginning of the "Year of the Bad Clams".
  • March 18, 1889: Portland was described by renown author, Clifton Spinkerton, as being, "Wow, that's crazy big." He also added that Tom Powell wanted to start a bookstore in the downtown district, but Clifton thought that was the dumbest idea EVER. (Non-Oregonians not familiar with the joke: Powell's is a HUGE book store, one city block and about 4 stories high, in downtown Portland. It's like a mecca to bibliophiles in the NW.)
  • September 4-16, 1892: The Great Pirate War of the Willamette. OK, it wasn't really pirates and it really wasn't all that great, but it was on the Willamette and it involved the Stuckey brothers of Oregon City and a really menacing Sea Lion.
  • December 18, 1901: Toothy McBain, representative of Douglas County, tried to declare war on the Southern neighbor, California, due to being, quote, "Too darn uppity for their own good." The Oregon legislature failed to pass the measure, 18-21.
  • August 19, 1909: During an evening festival celebrating Oregon's 50th birthday, Tank Trubadeaux of Roseburg and Westie Noggerheim of Riddle got into a fist fight over the last piece of strawberry pie. The resultant dust up leveled six city blocks in Portland and injured 158 revelers. Known as the Massive Dust Up of '09, no other brawl has matched it in size or damages.
  • November 12, 1914: As World War I picked up speed on the other side of the Atlantic, Oregonians pitched in to help out the refugees in the war-torn regions. Throughout the state, 14 tons of salmon were collected and shipped to England. In January, 1915, England suffered a huge food borne epidemic, thus called Salmonella.
  • December 5, 1914: The first cars reached Salem.
  • December 6, 1914: The first case of road rage documented on Market Street and Lancaster.
  • May 10, 1923: Nate Blankerstone, of Multnomah County, a self proclaimed hermit and CPA, incorporated a town just East of Portland. One that would be peaceful and calming to all that lived there. Where businesses would close before seven at night and all weekend long. And thus was the town Boring born.
  • November 5, 1931: Skiing became all the rage in the cascades. After the first season, the governor, Jimmy "Steam Donkey" Plinkett, suggested that they remove some of the large Old Growth trees that were in the middle of the ski lanes.
  • January 20, 1940: In a publicity stunt aimed at bringing in more tourist dollars, Larry Flandings and Bob Crank tried to reach the summit of Mount Hood wearing only boots, a wool cap and a pair of boxers.
  • July 10, 1940: The frozen bodies of Larry and Bob were chiseled out of the Coe Glacier on Mt. Hood.
  • March 1956: Not being very clear on the whole "Red Scare" thing of the McCarthyism era, many residents of Willowa County decided to paint their barns a nice shade of blue instead. In nearby Tillamook County, the people of Garibaldi ran out the entire family of "Red" Kinnert.
  • August 14, 1964: State Senator Mav Leonard of Coquille attempted to declare war on Washington state for, "...bein' an awful lot like them Californians." The measure was overwhelmingly passed, but, as the Governor tried to call up the State militia, President Johnson called and to them to "knock it off".
  • July 20, 1969: As Apollo 11 landed on the lunar surface, Oregonians celebrated by having the first "Capitol Beer-In". Unfortunately, as hundreds of locals gathered together on the lawn before the Capitol building, no one paid any attention as it seemed like any other day that Congress was in "session".
  • September 9, 1975: The Black Day of Disco occurred at a dance hall in Bend. About twenty young adults gathered at the Clem Dixon Dance Emporium wishing to spend the night of groovin' and hustlin' to some of MoTown's best vibes. Dressed in short skirts and leisure suits, the small gathering was no match against the forty flannel wearing loggerheads that had taken their dates to the "End of the Nixon Era Ho-down and Square Dance."
  • May 18, 1980: Mount St. Helen's, a volcano in Southern Washington, just miles from the Oregon border, erupts violently. Within days, volcanic ash begins to descend upon most of Oregon, thus prompting the "Get Your Ash Out of Our State" campaign.
  • November 1980: Residents all over the state woke up and, with one voice, asked, "Wait, did we just vote Republican?"
  • November 1984: Residents all over the state woke up and, with one voice, asked, "Hey, did we just do that again?"
  • January 23, 1994: Misty Clarington of Gladstone woke one morning with the realization that there might be something to the rumor that there's more to living than what's in the Willamette valley. Ted Clarington, husband of Misty, promptly picked up his wife, shoved her into the back of his pick-up and drove her to the State Hospital for the Clinically Insane.
  • March 3, 2005: State Measure 33 requesting the alteration of the State Constitution to give power to the State Government to wage war against all states that border Oregon, including Hawaii, in case of strong evidence of those bordering states being, "uppity". The US Supreme court denied the implementation and amendment of the State's Constitution.
  • March 4, 2005: In spite of the US Supreme Courts final ruling, the Clarkston brothers of Klamath Falls made some pretty aggressive gestures toward California. No arrests were made as the Clarkston brothers were the main body of deputies for the County Sheriff.

Random Thoughts!

Random Thoughts!
  • There is nothing made that can't be made cooler by attaching lasers to it.
  • If you cannot mimic the Doppler effect, don't even try making train sounds.
  • If you do something stupid and you're single, chances that you'll be caught hover around 45%. If you're married, it hovers around 110%.
  • War is hell. It's also true that hell can be found in the center of a freshly nuked Pepperoni Hot Pocket.
  • Someone once commented that it would be refreshing if everyone just honestly stated what was on their minds without holding back. Refreshing in the "Great Snowy Leopard, I've dipped my eyeballs in hot wax!" kind of way.
  • If a cat is upside down, it's important to remember that 83% of the exposed appendages are loaded with sharp pointy things.
  • You're the only one that thinks that making a marriage proposal while copying Scooby Doo is funny.
  • Dogs actually don't like to be hugged. Unfortunately for them, dog hugging is probably 10x more potent than any anti-depressant on the market today.
  • Say what you will, but sometimes a person just needs a greasy cheeseburger, fries and a shake to make it through the day.
  • Sometimes the quietest person, when gone, is the one you miss the most.
  • Nietzsche said that the thing that does not kill us will make us stronger. If not, at least you'll have some cool scars to show off.
  • Waterboarding torture techniques have been deemed cruel and unusual. The same could be said for Poetry Readings.
  • The phrase, "HA! You'll never take me alive!" is not the proper response to, "Knock knock".
  • Genetic experimentation gone wrong is the most likely explanation for Velveeta cheese.
  • No matter how cute they look, rubbing your face on the tummy of a Siberian Tiger is not a good idea.
  • The harder you try to imitate the lingo of a younger generation, the more you look pathetic.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Another Set of State Mottos!

It's been a while and I have some downtime, so I thought I'd do another State Mottos list:

AL: Where the South will rise again! See your ads from Winn-Dixie for more information
AK: Really, if we melted, we'd be the size of Vermont.
AZ: We're the state with a "Z" in the name.
AR: Yankee! Give me your stimulus money, THEN go home!
CA: We may be broke, but we look gooooood doin' it.
CO: Rockies Schmockies. What we want is some air.
CT: We just sound expensive, don't we?
DE: It's happening here... somewhere. We think.
D.C. When in doubt, make a monument.
FL: Where pastel colors go to die
GA: Had it not happened during the State Fair, we coulda beat Sherman.
HI: Our history involves a lot of grass skirts and coconut shells.
ID: We go all the way to Canada. See? Look!
IL: Still a little sore at Mrs. O'Leary's cow.
IN: We're really not all that interested in surfing
IA: We're into CrazyFarming!
KS: We're not flat. There are areas that are positively undulating.
KY: Where the Corn Mash Still is the state Icon
LA: We like to build large cities in marshy tidal basins and wait for hurricanes to come.
ME: Shoulda been one-a the Original 13.
MD: Long history of stuff and things.
MA: If you look at us upside down, we kinda look like a bottle opener
MI: Automotive industry started here. Ironic, that.
MS: Our state name sorta stutters there for a bit
MO: St. Louis! Home of Really Bad Beer!
MT: We're mean enough to get away with a capitol named Helena.
NE: At least we're not as boring as Star Wars Episode I
NV: Yes, that's legal here. That, too. And that.
NH: President Franklin Pierce was from here. Remember him? Yeah, didn't think so.
NJ: In. Your. Face.
NM: Neither Canada or Denmark have any claim on us. Or France. Definitely not France.
NY: Just West of the City, it's like another whole universe.
NC: Our Northern border is a pretty good straight line.
ND: If you were to switch us with South Dakota, no one would notice.
OH: We try.
OK: Keeping Texas from attacking Kansas since 1907
OR: Some very cool people live here
PA: Where the fast moving 21st century and the horse buggies of the 19th century meet.
RI: Are you sure we're just not someone's backyard?
SC: Making enough Sweet Tea to make 95% of America go into diabetic shock.
SD: Tough to make a state when most of it is made up of "Badlands".
TN: Elvis is ALIVE! We feel it in our very souls!
TX: We never get tired of hearing us talk.
UT: Proof that a state can exist without water
VT: Ever questioning the decision to stop being an independent republic and becoming a state
VA: That's SAINT Robert E. Lee to you!
WA: Beautiful. Rugged. Really, really wet.
WV: Just like any other state. Just without teeth.
WI: Where "Cheesehead" is a term of endearment
WY: Look! We're a square!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

More Random Ten Counts:

Role playing video games that never made the Christmas list:

Grand Clean Auto
Bedpan Hustle
Journey to the Center of the Lima Bean
Back Shavrz
Guitar Hero: Neil Diamond Edition
Alien v. Sponge Bob
World of Knitcraft
Harry Potter and the Sink of Dirty Dishes
Mickey and Pikachu: Cage Match!
Lawrence at the Soup Kitchen

Christmas Movies that really should not exist:

Santa and the Incontinent Child
The Reindeer Uprising!
Frosty and the Cold Shoulder
Rudolf and Bambi Duke It Out
Merry Hallowgiving
The Day the Sleigh Stood Still
Trouble Over O'Hare
Elf Union Picket Line
Wrapping Paper Massacre

Things you don't want to hear from Political Bigwigs when they think the mic is off:

Help me find my pants.
No, the aliens in my head are too loud.
OK, how am I voting on that again? Am I sure?
How do I spell my name?
No! For the last time, Winnie the Pooh is better than Sponge Bob. Get on board with this one or you're out!
Operation Fanged Terror is a go. Bring the donuts.
The President better endorse this. I washed his car last Saturday!
Call my therapist and ask if I'm supposed to take the red, or the blue pill.
Wait, you're telling me that I have to go to that Senate Committee without my lucky rocketship underwear?
Hold on, I'm too loaded to do that right now.

Military Operation names that really should be taken out of the line-up:

Operation: Squeaky Toy
Operation: Brownie Batter Blizzard
Operation: Fluffles
Operation: Slap 'Em Silly
Operation: Bad Clams
Operation: Icky Poo Poo Pants
Operation: March That Way and Make A Lot Of Noise
Operation: Lionel Ritchie Marathon
Operation: Prius
Operation: Operation

Embarrassing moments in US History:

When Nixon leaned over to Khrushchev and said, "Pull my finger."
The way we behaved when the Beatles came over
Pet Rocks
The painting by Stuart depicting George Washington at that bachelor party, circa 1757.
Doing a Zippo lighter commercial at Lakehurst, NJ in 1937 just as the Hindenburg was pulling in.
Going through with the Louisiana Purchase but losing the receipt.
Having John Madden's catch phrase, "Tough Actin' Tinactin" be more memorable than the Pledge of Allegiance.
The releasing of the Benjamin Franklin/Betsy Ross love letters.
Abraham Lincoln's overheard remark, "OK, seriously, do we really want the South back? Really?"

Album Titles I'd like to see:

Our Favorite Hymns/ AC/DC
Angst Filled Rap/ John Denver
Learn Uzbekistani in Your Sleep/ Strange Language Institute
Croaking and Raspy Voices/ Willie Nelson and Waylon Jennings
Best Operatic Arias/ Cindi Lauper
Freaky Groovin' and Love/ Tennessee Ernie Ford
Our Guitarist Has Actually Been Dead For 15 Years/ Rolling Stones
Death Opera Rock/ Luciano Pavarotti
Songs That Aren't About Me and My Little Universe/ Mariah Carey or Brittany Spears
This Is The Last One. Really. Honest./ Barbara Streisand

Friday, July 24, 2009

Random Ten Counts:

Newspaper headlines in Storybook Land:
  1. Red Riding Hood's Run In With Vice Sqaud!
  2. Little Mermaid Found in Trawl Net!
  3. Goldilocks Taken In For Questioning On Criminal Trespass Charge!
  4. Three Little Pigs Fined For Building Code Infractions!
  5. Repunzel Gets Stylish Hair Cut!
  6. Jack Before Senate Subcommittee In Bean-Gate!
  7. Wolf Found Guilty In Terrorism Case!
  8. Humpty Dumpty Blew .09 Before The Wall Incident!
  9. Sleeping Beauty Found To Have Insomnia!
  10. Bambi Joins the NRA!

The Second String Team for the Seven Dwarves:
  1. Drippy
  2. Scabby
  3. Flakey
  4. Wonky
  5. Shady
  6. Incendiary
  7. Crusty
  8. Fruity
  9. Screwy
  10. Lardy

How-To Books that will not be written any time soon:
  1. How-To Read!
  2. How-To Perform Blood Transfusions In The Back of a Greyhound Bus
  3. How-To Introduce Your Zombie Relatives Into Society
  4. How-To Learn Acupuncture with Bricks
  5. How-To Make Custom Made Dentures with Buick Carburetors and Leftover Meatloaf
  6. How-To Make Friends and Crush, Intimidate and Humiliate Your Enemies
  7. How-To Fence Stolen Goods In The Moroccan Black Market
  8. How-To Get Hair Like Donald Trump
  9. How-To Commit Felonies Without Really Trying
  10. How-To Survive a Barry Manilow Concert

Pet names that will not get you points with, well, anyone.
  1. Fluffy Twinkles
  2. Princess Ermiline
  3. Valdor the Destroyer
  4. Lord Stanley Bonkabonk, Earl of Soggybottom
  5. King Bladdervat
  6. Chief Stinky Greengass
  7. Bruce Bonecrusher
  8. Precious Penelope
  9. Kung Pao
  10. the Leg Lover

Things airline passengers should never overhear pilots say:
  1. What's that for? or What's that do?
  2. GAAA! It's blinking! Make it stop!
  3. Well, it just fell off.
  4. Huh, is there supposed to be hydraulic fluid all over that?
  5. Normally, I don't do opium while in the cockpit, but what the hey...
  6. Wait, no, that's not Nebraska.
  7. Whoa, you mean that's been upside down the whole time?
  8. The voices in my head tell me to go here instead.
  9. We're being followed. Hold on while I try to lose 'em.
  10. Hey! I thought YOU were flying!

Worrisome words doctors use:
  1. Lesion
  2. anything ending in -oma
  3. or -itis
  4. also -tosis
  5. Well, heck, anything Latin, really.
  6. Uh oh.
  7. Whoops
  8. Unprecedented
  9. Discomfort
  10. Incise

Things you shouldn't think about just before going to sleep:
  1. Things you CAN'T see in the dark
  2. Why your neighbor needs all those big, black garbage bags
  3. If it's possible to get a rash on the inside of your skin
  4. If TV and radio waves can go through your body, what program is invading you right now?
  5. How rich would you be if you kept all your Matchbox cars and baseball cards from when you were a kid
  6. What really caused that itch right then?
  7. Does anyone ever really understand what the lead singer from AC/DC is saying?
  8. What if, just what if Gettysburg went the other way?
  9. If you were to die right then, would your underwear be clean enough to keep Mom from being embarrassed?
  10. If I was fourteen, and I knew what I know now....

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Movie Rules!

In horror movies, whoever enters the basement, dies.

The first three Star Wars movies are the only three Star Wars movies. All others are Lucas' hallucinations.

William Shatner is the only actor where people will pay to see him act poorly.

If the reviews include the phrase, "Sweeping Epic!", you will be able to nap through 2/3's of the film.

If the reviews include the words, "Unrequited," "Tormented Soul," "Sensitive Portrayal" or "Passionate," chances are there will not be any Zombies involved.

OK, I'll say it. Regardless of what he was twenty years ago, Tom Cruise is now damaged goods.

Say what you will, but the Trekkie contingent is the most formidable lobby in Hollywood.

Any man over the age of 15 cannot speak Klingon and expect to be taken seriously.

While 9 out of 10 women cannot stand the Three Stooges, 9 out of 10 men find the Stooges to be one of the purest forms of physical comedy.

The Marx Brothers' movies don't enough credit.

Best comedic duos in order: Abbott and Costello, Hope and Crosby, Laurel and Hardy.

As more time goes by, the Martin and Lewis comedic collaboration becomes more and more disturbing.

Films done in the '30's should never be remade.

This also includes any Godzilla film.

Quit going to Friday the 13th movies. It only encourages them.

It is against the laws of nature for any 63 year old man to be as in shape as Sylvester Stallone.

If the previews before the movie are better than the movie itself, you should get your money back.

Sports Rules!

Sports Rules:

The trampoline is no more a sport than "kick the can" or "blind man's bluff".

If you're racing around in a NASCAR event, it's a sport. If you're racing around on an Interstate, it's annoying.

If you weep because your favorite football team lost the Super Bowl, you forfeit next season's watching privileges.

Getting the Olympic gold for the decathlon makes you 4.78 men. Oddly enough, getting the Olympic gold for men's figure skating makes you exactly .478 of a man.

If the car you race in NASCAR is sponsored by Tampax, Playtex or Stayfree pads, even if you win, there is no glory.

Professional football players can get away with wearing spandex uniforms on game day. You, however, cannot.

A female beach volleyball competitor, almost wearing a skin tight bikini, cannot complain about 17 year old boys eyeing her like a piece of meat.

You can be friendly. You can be competitive. You cannot be both at the same time.

Participating in Fantasy Football every year does not make you smarter/better/wiser than the coach. Ergo: Fantasy.

Memorizing the stats of every player on your favorite baseball team is not a very good use of brain power.

A hockey player that still has all his teeth isn't playing hard enough.

A girl that is 17 years old but has the body of a malnourished 12 year old is not a gymnast. She is a tragedy.

Unless your last name ends with "-eaux" or "-ski", the chances of you getting into the Hockey Hall of Fame are slim.

A little boy, sitting in the bleachers along the foul line with a mitt, eating a hot dog is the epitome of Americana.

Football players women find attractive, in order: Quarterbacks, Running Backs, Wide Receivers and Linebackers.

Least attractive: Guards, Tackles and the Center.

If your commute vehicle is a Zamboni, you need to take a break from the NHL.

You cannot drink a specialty micro brew beer at a NASCAR event and expect to get out alive.

The enormous foam cheese wedge you're wearing on your head will not garner you any points from the ladies.

Unless she, too, has an enormous foam cheese wedge on her head.

Rules to Live By, Part II

More basic rules of life:

1. Monsters from Japan have to be radioactive.

2. Pens can only leak if you're wearing light colored clothing.

3. Any rearranging of furniture must be done after sunset, preferably after your normal bed time.

4. All sinus sprays must contain an ingredient that makes you feel like you just snorted ground glass.

5. A man on a WWII era Harley Davidson motorcycle is exactly 3.76 men.

6. A man astride a scooter is 1/8 of a man.

7. It follows that if that man on the scooter is trying to maintain highway speeds, he drops to 1/16 of a man.

8. Long hair on men is allowed. However, if that long hair makes the man look like a girl from behind, then it is strictly forbidden.

9. The more scars, the more interesting.

10. Unless those scars are from office supplies. In which case, no one really cares.

11. If you must go to a therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist, fine. This is not something to brag about to your friends. All the time. Every day.

12. Cat calls and wolf whistles, while in some circles are to be expected, have never produced a single date for any man. Ever.

13. Any tie that your father wore is not cool. Conversely, any tie that your grandfather wore, is so cool it's frosty.

14. Only the pretentiously and obscenely rich may use "Summer" and "Winter" as verbs.

15. "Autumn" and "Spring" cannot be verbed.

16. Naming your house something along the lines of "Oak Manor" or "Prembroke Hill" will not increase the property value. It will, however, make you look like a total doof.

17. One donut: Good. Two donuts: OK. Three donuts: Pushing it. Four or more donuts: Get help.

18. The average ratio of her luggage to yours is 3.4 to 1.

19. A person's ability to be annoying is directly proportional to how complex their coffee order.

20. Adding the rear spoiler/fin thing on the back of your little car will not increase your attractiveness to the ladies. It is not like bird plumage. It only gives us something to ridicule.

21. The letter "z" is not a suitable substitute for the letter "s".

22. If I can hear your stereo through your car window and through mine, it's too loud.

23. It follows that if the woofer for your car stereo is powerful enough to alter the beating of my heart, it's crossed the line from being irritating to be being an environmental hazard.

24. The moment you become concerned about people walking on your lawn is the moment you age fifteen years.

25. If it's on the menu and you cannot pronounce it, you must either, A. order something else or, B. leave and get something from Del Taco.

26. There is no shame in a well made tuna fish sandwich.

27. Those that feel the need to argue over the history and/or the interpretation of American Jazz should be publicly flogged.

28. If you find yourself in a discussion about the economy, it's OK to disentangle yourself from that conversation after 4.2 seconds.

29. Unless you've served in the military, you cannot complain about the military.

30. If you hear the phrase, "Takin' it to the next level", you're about to see something very stupid happen.

31. If your neighbor starts any noisy construction before 9 a.m., they cannot complain about the obscene words burned into their lawn the following night.

32. Shaving the name of your favorite team on your dog should land you in jail.

33. If the name of the team is the Raiders, it should be a felony.

34. If you announce that you're a big fan of Celine Dion, you will get some respect. But it will be hollow.

35. No matter what you do, you cannot upend a bag of chips into your mouth and look dignified at the same time.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Rules to Live By

Some personal credos that I like to live by:

I'd go to a concert that features a band that I used to like back in the '80's. I'd even consider going to a concert that features a tribute band to that group of the '80's. But never to a tribute band to a tribute band. I draw the line there.

Peanut Butter is a pretty universal food. Except in omelets.

Never knock on a bathroom door and ask, "Hey, what're you doin' in there, huh?" Seriously, you don't want to know.

Dogs and cats, no matter how cute, are, at their very core, predatory carnivores. You, regardless how cute, are primarily made of meat. It would behoove you to never forget this, for it is certain that it is always foremost on their minds.

A comedic sketch that is very funny the first time will only be half as funny the next time you hear it. If you hear it again, it will only half again as funny. This continues until you hear it again for the tenth time. At that point, the sketch becomes a form of torture wherein you will confess to crimes you've never committed.

People who laugh at their grandmothers should be taken to clandestine locations and never heard from again.

OK. We all get it by now. The book is better than the movie. Always. I'm still gonna watch it.

If you're watching someone describe the sound of a tornado, chances are, the describer had a hard time graduating the fifth grade. But they sure do make a good tornado sounds.

There is nothing as frightening as watching an angry woman chop vegetables.

Spending the afternoon cutting down a huge bramble of blackberry bushes may be cathartic to you, but it will just tick them off.

Culture is everything. Especially if you're yogurt.

A man who brags about photos he took with a P&S is only half a man.

Ignorance is bliss. Conversely, vast bits of knowledge just tend to irritate other family members.

If you have to explain a cartoon, it still won't be funny to them.

Kelp is not a food. It is about as appealing as going out and gnawing on your lawn.

There is a very fine line between a nice and informative blog and an electronic soapbox for that whacked out guy at the park who wears two different kinds of shoes.

If you're a guy and you spend more than two minutes wondering which shoes to wear to the event, you've crossed over a very important Rubicon into a very scary land.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

You're not going to believe this, but I just found Kona's journal. Here are some of the entries from the last few days:
  • OK, so a tall nice looking blond comes into my den. That's OK, but there's this other, smaller version that came in with her. I've been told that it's not a toy. Riiiiight.... It looks like a toy, sounds like a toy and feels like a toy. It's a toy. And it's all mine.
  • The thing about this small human is that it has no hair. What's with that? No hair. The other humans have some hair, not nearly enough to cover all the pink, but they have hair. But this lap human has a just a hint of hair on top of the head, and that's it. Oh, dude, you're gonna be sooooo cold in the Winter.
  • This little human, hereafter called Baby, makes this noise called crying. Wow. Little body, a whole lotta sound. Note: Barking at crying Baby does not solve problem. Must bark louder next time.
  • Baby was just sitting there and the Blond wasn't paying attention. Look, the Baby was a mess. His face totally covered in... I don't know, whatever it calls food. So, I cleaned him. Nothing special, just the face, the neck, behind the ears and the hands. I was just trying to help. The Blond gets all up in my face about it. Whatever.
  • Whoa.... the Baby thing has no teeth. Seriously. Well, OK, there are a couple of little white Chicklets on the front of the bottom jaw, but that's it. The thing is, what, eight months old? Oh, this thing is seriously defective.
  • This Baby is a whole cornucopia of smells. And not all of them are good, let me tell you.
  • Rex next door lied to me. Cheerios taste nothing like bacon. I ate nearly the whole box and not one of those little O's had even an inkling of bacon. I hate to say it, but I'm really disappointed in that.
  • The Baby sleeps kinda funny. I suppose that's OK, but in order to make sure everything's OK, I have to keep poking him with my nose, which, of course wakes him up. Apparently, this is some sort of "Wrong" that has me going outside. Sheesh.
  • OK, is it just me or does this not sound fair? You pull my ears or my tail, I drag you around by your diaper. Sounds totally fair. Obviously I'm the only one that thinks so here.
  • I'm an easy sort of Dog. I consider myself to be pretty laid back and happy go lucky. I don't ask for much, really. Just. Don't. Touch. The. Rawhide.
  • Oh, WOW! The Baby opened his mouth today and stuck out his tongue! I nearly fell over laughing! That's not a tongue! That's more like a Wanna Be Tongue, or a Practice Tongue! Geez, how does he even drink?
As most of you know, Tif and Jonathan are staying with us for a few weeks. This is a great opportunity for Lisa and I as we haven't had a lot of time with the grandbaby. I've been able to spend some quality moments with Jawathan (not a spelling error, btw). So far, I've taught him some of the fundamental and traditional tribal dances from our family. In exchange for this treat, he has been able to give me access to some of his thoughts:
  • I'm not really sure what I want right now. I'm not hungry or sleepy. I'm not thirsty and there really isn't anything that I want. I guess the best plan right now is to keep crying until something comes along.
  • Oh, wow. Did I just puke? I can't believe I just did that in public. My bad.
  • Whoa, whatever Grandpa just made is completely loaded with cheese. I think I love him.
  • Gads, here comes that dog with the ginormous tongu.... ugh... all over the face. Yeah, I need a towel.
  • OK, Grandma, I get it. No, really. I get the idea. Yeah, yeah, I love you, too. Seriously, now. ALRIGHT, PYSCHO LADY, QUIT KISSING ME!
  • Note to self: Sharing toys with Dog will most likely void the aforementioned toy's warranty.
  • Not too sure what I should be doing right now.... Sooo... I guess blowing spit bubbles is in order.
  • No, look, when I cry like that, it means that I want steak and potato, not that slimy green stuff in the little jar.
  • LEGS! LEGS! WORK WITH ME NOW! C'mon, if that geezer Grandpa can walk, I should be able to, right?
  • Oooo, fuzzy kitty.... I wonder what happens when you pull on the.... OK, I really hope that becomes a manly scar at some point.
  • Are you seriously going to make me wear that? Oh, you are SO going to regret my teenage years.
  • What's with you? That's not a "Aww-Isn't-He-Cute" face. It's a "I'm-Gonna-Hurl-Lunch" face. Just sayin'.
  • No. No way. I'm tellin' you, if you put me in that car seat one more time, I'm gonna... well, do THAT. Now change my diaper. Again.
  • I have no idea why you're all upset. I don't recognize you because from the ankles down, you all look the same.
  • Do you all sound that way? Is that even a language? What the heck does, "Goo goo diddums" even mean? 
  • Wait, you're telling me that it's going to take me fifteen more years before I can even hope to be considered "hulking"? Oh, that sucks.
  • Whoa. Have I got a Super Colon or what? Wow.
  • No, I have no idea what the slimy substance is on my hand. That's why I wiped it on you.
  • Yeah, that's right. I'm crying. Again. Wanna know why? Well, let's see. You're eating something out of a container that says, "Ben & Jerry's", while I, on the other hand, am eating something out of a container that says, "Strained Peas". I think this mystery is solved, mmKay?
  • Oh, please. Not the Five Cheeky Monkeys story again. C'mon. Read me some Cussler or Koontz for a change. At this point, I'd even take a hallucinogenic Dr. Suess.
  • You know, after the first few bites, the dog's food isn't so bad.
  • OK, Dog. Step away from the stroller. I have a weird plastic toy and I'm not afraid to use it.
Interesting tidbits about some of the US State Capitols:

Montgomery, AL: In 1819, upon becoming a state, the Alabama legislature made Montgomery the state capitol by only three votes. In second place was the name, "Rusty's Tavern".

Phoenix, AZ: Named after the mythological bird that plunged into the flames and was reborn anew. The Founding Fathers hoped that when Phoenix rose from the ashes, it would be a bit cooler. 'Parently, they were wrong.

Little Rock, AR: Chosen because, "Great Flipping Lump of Rock" didn't look good on a letterhead.

Sacramento, CA: Located on the mighty Sacramento River, this First City of California was finally picked as the state capitol only because the previous legislative center of the state, Monterey, was just too dang laid back. All the politicians just wanted to spend the day surfing. Sacramento was far enough away from anything remotely interesting so as to hopefully keep distractions at bay. Right....

Tallahassee, FL: Ten times picked as the winner of the annual Capitol with the Coolest Spelling Award.

Atlanta, GA: After Gen. Sherman sacked Atlanta in 1864 during the War Between the States, the Georgia congress searched for a more defensible city. The only place that had more fortifications was, oddly enough, the garage of Rev. Otis Cahooty.

Honolulu, HI: In the native tongue, Honolulu means, "Land of the Great Waves and Killer Dinners Wherein a Pig Is Roasted in a Pit All Day Long". Obviously, Honolulu is easier to write out.

Indianapolis, IN: If you look closely, you'll see the name of the state in the name of the city, "Indianapolis". Clever. Really, really clever.

Des Moines, IA: A tip of the hat to a time when French trappers roamed the land, Des Moines is French for "The Hairy, Stinky Trapper Guy". Or something close to that.

Baton Rouge, LA: Again, another allusion to the the French influence of the region. Baton Rouge is French for, "Red Stick". Apparently the city was named by a previous Governor who was suffering from too much Mardi Gras. When he sobered up, he had no idea what it meant. From that point on, the governors of Louisiana had to prove their sobriety before signing anything into law.

Annapolis, MD: Keeping with the tradition of naming all the important places in the area after women, the Framers of Maryland changed the name of Squidtowne to Annapolis.

Saint Paul, MN: So named because the other saintly candidate, St. Bartholomew was just too long and complicated to write out.

Jackson, MS: The state capitol is not named after the President Andrew Jackson, as some would surmise, but after that famous statesman, Thibodeaux Jackson, champion of the Shrimping Fleet. Well, OK, he's popular down the Delta way.

Helena, MT: Named after the wife of Larry, a cowboy in the area. Who knew.

Carson City, NV: Upon statehood in 1864, Carsonville was upgraded to Carson City.

Santa Fe: Interestingly enough, Santa Fe was originally supposed to be called Santa Felipe Juan Hildago de Corazon del Agua Sancta. Unfortunately, the person in charge of making the sign at the first train station ran out of paint and never finished. Thankfully.

Bismarck, ND: Named after a really tasty doughnut.

Columbus, OH: Contrary to popular belief, Columbus never visited the region.

Oklahoma City, OK: Surely confusing to some, this major city was so named because it's a city, in Oklahoma. A lot of thought went into choosing the right name for this state. Fortunately, this tradition never really stuck otherwise there would be an Oklahoma City, part II, Oklahoma Town. Oklahoma Burg. Oklahoma Unincorporated City. Oklahoma Village.....

Salem, OR: Because it's a nice name.

Harrisburg, PA: Most people think that this city was named after a person named Harris. Not so. The town plat was written down by a man who was almost illiterate, as was so often the case back in 1787. The man's name was Bill Ganter, and he had a dog named, "Harry". Or, as Bill wrote it, Harri. The city is named after Mr. Ganter's dog.

Pierre, SD: For 38 years, a feckless trapper named Pierre Chamboleaux was the only inhabitant of the area that would be known as South Dakota. He never trapped a single animal, but, due to his addled mind, he did write his name on every large rock he could find.

Salt Lake City, UT: Obviously named because the city was built near this great Salt Pan. No one really knows why they built it there. It sounds better than, "City Built On A Great Flat Wasteland".

Montpelier, VT: The French Capitol Name Winner for the last 218 years.

Olympia, WA: The natives in the area say that the meaning of Olympia means, "Cheap Beer", which is odd because the natives weren't introduced to beer for 150 years AFTER the city was founded by the Pabst tribe.

Cheyenne, WY: The Sioux Tribe first named this area Cheyenne from their language meaning, "Geez, who would want to live here?"
Something I realized today:

Einstein theorized that Space is best understood if you think of it as something like a soft blanket or a soft rubber mat. If something heavy were to rest upon that mat, it would sink into it, but if something light were to be on that mat, it would hardly make any kind of impression, right? Same with Space. If an item, like a planet, asteroid, star were to rest in Space, it would, due to it's density and mass, bend or warp Space. The more mass, the more it will effect Space. So, the earth, will create a divot, so to speak, that would be larger than the Moon because it has more mass. That impression, or divot in Space is what we call Gravity. Again, the Sun, because of its enormous mass and density, has a HUGE amount of gravity, more than the planet Mercury. See? Also, the farther you get away from the center of mass that is in Space, the farther you get away from that particular impression in Space, ergo, less gravity. 

Because of that, gravity is not a constant. It's relative to the mass, density and distance from the center of the mass in question. This is all part of that E=mc squared thing. So, if you're at the center of the Earth for some odd reason, you'd probably be crushed because you're so close to the center of the Earth's mass. But if you're a couple of miles away from the Earth's surface, thus being far away from the center of mass, you would not be under the effects of the gravitational pull of the Earth.

All that said to say this: I'm not overweight, I'm just too close to the center of the Earth.

South Africa: For centuries, the Southernmost point of Africa has been called the Cape of Good Hope. Sailors have used this promontory as a line of demarcation between the Atlantic and Indian Oceans. Notoriously rough seas have plagued ships in this region. So much so that many have forgotten that before 1238 AD, it was know as Cape of Outstanding Hope before it was was downgraded to Good Hope. In fact, in 1897, after the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgeorge, the International Marine Board tried to make it Cape of Average Hope, but the movement was thwarted by the advent of steam shipping.

Nepal: Many people know that Mt. Everest is the highest peak in the world. Fewer people know that, within view of Everest, the second highest peak, known as "K2", may be seen. The third highest peak, in view of these two mega-monoliths, is the story here. In 1964, Lord Otis Pemberton, Duke of Bluehaveshire, scaled what he thought to be Everest. What Lord Otis didn't know was that his Sherpa, Doug, had accidentally mixed up the maps. Undeterred, Lord Otis and Doug made the long and dangerous trek to the very top, only to discover that, further to the East, the real peaks stood. Doug, being the ardent and loyal Sherpa, recorded Lord Otis' remarks upon that discovery and to this day, the third tallest peak in the world is known as Mt. Ahcrap.

Polar News: The first explorers of the Northern wastes, noting the abundance of the polar bear, named the region the "Arctic" after the Greek word, "Arctos" or "Bear". Subsequently, the Southern region was called the "Antarctic", again from the Greek meaning "No Bear". Following this theme, some liberal scientists, wanting to update the atlas of the world submitted a request to change the Antarctic to "Antsevenelevenic". This request was summarily denied.

South Chile: When the explorer/captain Magellan circumnavigated the world, he sailed through a treacherous section of the seas; the Southern tip of South America, where the Pacific and the Atlantic Oceans converge with often great violence. This route is known as the Straits of Magellan. Later, Sir Francis Drake, explorer, captain, pirate, hero, took his Golden Hinde around the same area, but through a shorter path, thus called Drake's Passage. Even later, in 1979, an attempt was made to find yet a more effective course by Larry Finderghast. It might have been forever known as Larry's Shortcut, except he wrapped his bass boat around a glacier.

Pt. Barrow, Alaska: For centuries, countries have tried to find the elusive Northwest Passage, a route that would take the shipping lanes above the North American continent. What most people don't realize is that the Northwest Passage was found. That, actually, was never the problem. The problem arose when the ships would get into the Northwest Passage and run into the North Central Ice Block.

India: Any geology student will tell you that the land mass on which India rests is known as the Sub Continent. This is because the geological make up of that particular land mass is vastly different than the make up of the more Northern Asiatic land mass. That some millennia ago, India came crashing into the Asian Continent so hard it crumpled it and created the Himalayas. Because it is "newer" and more South than the rest, it is called the Sub Continent. In light of this, Russia has tried in vain to have the rest of the continent be referred to as the "Uber-Continent".

Turkey: News from the US Supreme Court today states that the ACLU is attempting to change the name of the Black Sea to a more proper and correct name of "Sea of Color".

International Marine Board, Brussels, Belgium: A new report coming out of this august body states that it is highly probable that a water molecule, considering the age of the planet, has spent some time in every body of water. Thus, one H2O structure could've floated around the Pacific, Indian, the Caspian Sea, North Sea, Lake Como, etc. over the last few eons. Because of this revelation, scientists are starting to feel uncomfortable calling the Pacific the Pacific if the water therein could have originated in the Baltic and has come to its current location via the Amazon River. Suggestions ranged from renaming the oceans Paciflantic or the North Medejavian Sea. Frustration ruled until Dr. Jim Henson submitted a name that is in keeping with other scientific names, i.e. Dark Matter or Big Bang. His suggestion, "The Big Blue Wet Thing".

Nepal: As most people know, Lake Titicaca, astride the borders of Peru and Bolivia, is known as the highest navigable lake in the world at 12,497 ft above sea level. The highest NON navigable body of water is Ngor Plangan's bathroom sink in Nepal at 15,688 ft above sea level.

Scandinavia: The legend states that Eric the Red, a Viking of the 11th century, wanting settlers to colonize his newly discovered land, called the promising new locale "Greenland". This, of course, is one of the earliest know examples of marketing in the Western civilization. Eric is also credited with calling another island "Iceland" so as to keep too many people from occupying that territory and thus deplete the fishing grounds. This of course makes one wonder what was going on when Finland was named.

Bend, Oregon, USA: Most of the high peaks in the Cascade range in Oregon are, in fact, not mountains at all, but volcanoes. Dormant, yes, but volcanoes nonetheless. Over on the Eastern side of the Cascades, three mountains stand as sentinels overlooking Bend. They are called the Three Sisters, and are thus named, Faith, Hope and Charity. Over the last few years, however, with the advance of science and with the aid of satellite imagery, it has come to light that there is a FOURTH sister lurking just beneath the surface. A bulge has been detected next to the three older sisters; technically, a magmatic bulge. If one were to wait a few millennia, one could possibly see the newest sister make her appearance. The news of the prenatal volcano has put some people off. Word of these anxious citizens has reached Dr. Archibald Leadwetter, a vulcanologist out of the USGS center in Portland, OR. Dr. Leadwetter's novel solution to ease the people of Bend is to create a 42 acre Clearasil pad and rub the area where the volcano is most likely to erupt. As Dr. Leadwetter says, "A volcano is just an Earth zit. My kids use Clearasil. Works like a charm. Should work just fine here." 
Mottos that countries COULD have used, but probably won't:

  • A Whole Lotta Space and Not A Whole Lotta People.
  • Where the Ice Age never really left

  • We have cool waffles named after us
  • We're the speed bump between Germany and France.

  • We like our letters backwards.
  • Sometimes we just like to beat ourselves up, OK?

  • It's more than wine and pasta. We have good bread, too.
  • We've got more statues than New Zealand has sheep

New Zealand:
  • No, we've got more sheep than Italy has statues
  • Gandalf slept here.

  • Come watch us crumble
  • We used to have more gods than New Zealand has statues and Italy has sheep.

  • We're a country AND a continent. Beat THAT!
  • Our wildlife is weird. Really.

  • You want mountains? Oh, we got your mountains.
  • For a nation known for its neutrality, we make some killer knives.

  • Well, OK, so we occasionally lose a World War.
  • Respect us. We brought you Oktoberfest.

  • Yeah, we can't spell it either.
  • If placed correctly, we're worth, like, 3,000 points in Scrabble

  • We grow glaciers, then melt them.
  • This is what happens when you get a bunch of Vikings together on a small island.

  • A Saab story
  • We play Winter Games in June.

  • Getting past Hamlet-gate one year at a time.
  • We own Greenland. Not really sure why.

  • We could really use some oxygen up here.
  • Geez, who's idea what it to put a country in the Himalayas anyway?

  • We lost the war, and we took over the world.
  • Careful, we know Godzirra.

  • Come see what kind of government we have this week!
  • Monsoons: They really hate us.

  • It's like a Frat House prank: See how many millions of people you can squeeze into a country.
  • Oh, we'll get that phone call for you.

  • A thousand miles long, ten yards wide.
  • Keeping the Pacific Ocean from attacking Argentina for hundreds of years.

  • Sure, we don't have ocean beaches, but we do have Lake Titicaca.
  • We're so cool, we have TWO capitols.