Sunday, July 26, 2009

Another Set of State Mottos!

It's been a while and I have some downtime, so I thought I'd do another State Mottos list:

AL: Where the South will rise again! See your ads from Winn-Dixie for more information
AK: Really, if we melted, we'd be the size of Vermont.
AZ: We're the state with a "Z" in the name.
AR: Yankee! Give me your stimulus money, THEN go home!
CA: We may be broke, but we look gooooood doin' it.
CO: Rockies Schmockies. What we want is some air.
CT: We just sound expensive, don't we?
DE: It's happening here... somewhere. We think.
D.C. When in doubt, make a monument.
FL: Where pastel colors go to die
GA: Had it not happened during the State Fair, we coulda beat Sherman.
HI: Our history involves a lot of grass skirts and coconut shells.
ID: We go all the way to Canada. See? Look!
IL: Still a little sore at Mrs. O'Leary's cow.
IN: We're really not all that interested in surfing
IA: We're into CrazyFarming!
KS: We're not flat. There are areas that are positively undulating.
KY: Where the Corn Mash Still is the state Icon
LA: We like to build large cities in marshy tidal basins and wait for hurricanes to come.
ME: Shoulda been one-a the Original 13.
MD: Long history of stuff and things.
MA: If you look at us upside down, we kinda look like a bottle opener
MI: Automotive industry started here. Ironic, that.
MS: Our state name sorta stutters there for a bit
MO: St. Louis! Home of Really Bad Beer!
MT: We're mean enough to get away with a capitol named Helena.
NE: At least we're not as boring as Star Wars Episode I
NV: Yes, that's legal here. That, too. And that.
NH: President Franklin Pierce was from here. Remember him? Yeah, didn't think so.
NJ: In. Your. Face.
NM: Neither Canada or Denmark have any claim on us. Or France. Definitely not France.
NY: Just West of the City, it's like another whole universe.
NC: Our Northern border is a pretty good straight line.
ND: If you were to switch us with South Dakota, no one would notice.
OH: We try.
OK: Keeping Texas from attacking Kansas since 1907
OR: Some very cool people live here
PA: Where the fast moving 21st century and the horse buggies of the 19th century meet.
RI: Are you sure we're just not someone's backyard?
SC: Making enough Sweet Tea to make 95% of America go into diabetic shock.
SD: Tough to make a state when most of it is made up of "Badlands".
TN: Elvis is ALIVE! We feel it in our very souls!
TX: We never get tired of hearing us talk.
UT: Proof that a state can exist without water
VT: Ever questioning the decision to stop being an independent republic and becoming a state
VA: That's SAINT Robert E. Lee to you!
WA: Beautiful. Rugged. Really, really wet.
WV: Just like any other state. Just without teeth.
WI: Where "Cheesehead" is a term of endearment
WY: Look! We're a square!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

More Random Ten Counts:

Role playing video games that never made the Christmas list:

Grand Clean Auto
Bedpan Hustle
Journey to the Center of the Lima Bean
Back Shavrz
Guitar Hero: Neil Diamond Edition
Alien v. Sponge Bob
World of Knitcraft
Harry Potter and the Sink of Dirty Dishes
Mickey and Pikachu: Cage Match!
Lawrence at the Soup Kitchen

Christmas Movies that really should not exist:

Santa and the Incontinent Child
The Reindeer Uprising!
Frosty and the Cold Shoulder
Rudolf and Bambi Duke It Out
Merry Hallowgiving
The Day the Sleigh Stood Still
Trouble Over O'Hare
Elf Union Picket Line
Wrapping Paper Massacre

Things you don't want to hear from Political Bigwigs when they think the mic is off:

Help me find my pants.
No, the aliens in my head are too loud.
OK, how am I voting on that again? Am I sure?
How do I spell my name?
No! For the last time, Winnie the Pooh is better than Sponge Bob. Get on board with this one or you're out!
Operation Fanged Terror is a go. Bring the donuts.
The President better endorse this. I washed his car last Saturday!
Call my therapist and ask if I'm supposed to take the red, or the blue pill.
Wait, you're telling me that I have to go to that Senate Committee without my lucky rocketship underwear?
Hold on, I'm too loaded to do that right now.

Military Operation names that really should be taken out of the line-up:

Operation: Squeaky Toy
Operation: Brownie Batter Blizzard
Operation: Fluffles
Operation: Slap 'Em Silly
Operation: Bad Clams
Operation: Icky Poo Poo Pants
Operation: March That Way and Make A Lot Of Noise
Operation: Lionel Ritchie Marathon
Operation: Prius
Operation: Operation

Embarrassing moments in US History:

When Nixon leaned over to Khrushchev and said, "Pull my finger."
The way we behaved when the Beatles came over
Pet Rocks
The painting by Stuart depicting George Washington at that bachelor party, circa 1757.
Doing a Zippo lighter commercial at Lakehurst, NJ in 1937 just as the Hindenburg was pulling in.
Going through with the Louisiana Purchase but losing the receipt.
Having John Madden's catch phrase, "Tough Actin' Tinactin" be more memorable than the Pledge of Allegiance.
The releasing of the Benjamin Franklin/Betsy Ross love letters.
Abraham Lincoln's overheard remark, "OK, seriously, do we really want the South back? Really?"

Album Titles I'd like to see:

Our Favorite Hymns/ AC/DC
Angst Filled Rap/ John Denver
Learn Uzbekistani in Your Sleep/ Strange Language Institute
Croaking and Raspy Voices/ Willie Nelson and Waylon Jennings
Best Operatic Arias/ Cindi Lauper
Freaky Groovin' and Love/ Tennessee Ernie Ford
Our Guitarist Has Actually Been Dead For 15 Years/ Rolling Stones
Death Opera Rock/ Luciano Pavarotti
Songs That Aren't About Me and My Little Universe/ Mariah Carey or Brittany Spears
This Is The Last One. Really. Honest./ Barbara Streisand

Friday, July 24, 2009

Random Ten Counts:

Newspaper headlines in Storybook Land:
  1. Red Riding Hood's Run In With Vice Sqaud!
  2. Little Mermaid Found in Trawl Net!
  3. Goldilocks Taken In For Questioning On Criminal Trespass Charge!
  4. Three Little Pigs Fined For Building Code Infractions!
  5. Repunzel Gets Stylish Hair Cut!
  6. Jack Before Senate Subcommittee In Bean-Gate!
  7. Wolf Found Guilty In Terrorism Case!
  8. Humpty Dumpty Blew .09 Before The Wall Incident!
  9. Sleeping Beauty Found To Have Insomnia!
  10. Bambi Joins the NRA!

The Second String Team for the Seven Dwarves:
  1. Drippy
  2. Scabby
  3. Flakey
  4. Wonky
  5. Shady
  6. Incendiary
  7. Crusty
  8. Fruity
  9. Screwy
  10. Lardy

How-To Books that will not be written any time soon:
  1. How-To Read!
  2. How-To Perform Blood Transfusions In The Back of a Greyhound Bus
  3. How-To Introduce Your Zombie Relatives Into Society
  4. How-To Learn Acupuncture with Bricks
  5. How-To Make Custom Made Dentures with Buick Carburetors and Leftover Meatloaf
  6. How-To Make Friends and Crush, Intimidate and Humiliate Your Enemies
  7. How-To Fence Stolen Goods In The Moroccan Black Market
  8. How-To Get Hair Like Donald Trump
  9. How-To Commit Felonies Without Really Trying
  10. How-To Survive a Barry Manilow Concert

Pet names that will not get you points with, well, anyone.
  1. Fluffy Twinkles
  2. Princess Ermiline
  3. Valdor the Destroyer
  4. Lord Stanley Bonkabonk, Earl of Soggybottom
  5. King Bladdervat
  6. Chief Stinky Greengass
  7. Bruce Bonecrusher
  8. Precious Penelope
  9. Kung Pao
  10. the Leg Lover

Things airline passengers should never overhear pilots say:
  1. What's that for? or What's that do?
  2. GAAA! It's blinking! Make it stop!
  3. Well, it just fell off.
  4. Huh, is there supposed to be hydraulic fluid all over that?
  5. Normally, I don't do opium while in the cockpit, but what the hey...
  6. Wait, no, that's not Nebraska.
  7. Whoa, you mean that's been upside down the whole time?
  8. The voices in my head tell me to go here instead.
  9. We're being followed. Hold on while I try to lose 'em.
  10. Hey! I thought YOU were flying!

Worrisome words doctors use:
  1. Lesion
  2. anything ending in -oma
  3. or -itis
  4. also -tosis
  5. Well, heck, anything Latin, really.
  6. Uh oh.
  7. Whoops
  8. Unprecedented
  9. Discomfort
  10. Incise

Things you shouldn't think about just before going to sleep:
  1. Things you CAN'T see in the dark
  2. Why your neighbor needs all those big, black garbage bags
  3. If it's possible to get a rash on the inside of your skin
  4. If TV and radio waves can go through your body, what program is invading you right now?
  5. How rich would you be if you kept all your Matchbox cars and baseball cards from when you were a kid
  6. What really caused that itch right then?
  7. Does anyone ever really understand what the lead singer from AC/DC is saying?
  8. What if, just what if Gettysburg went the other way?
  9. If you were to die right then, would your underwear be clean enough to keep Mom from being embarrassed?
  10. If I was fourteen, and I knew what I know now....

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Movie Rules!

In horror movies, whoever enters the basement, dies.

The first three Star Wars movies are the only three Star Wars movies. All others are Lucas' hallucinations.

William Shatner is the only actor where people will pay to see him act poorly.

If the reviews include the phrase, "Sweeping Epic!", you will be able to nap through 2/3's of the film.

If the reviews include the words, "Unrequited," "Tormented Soul," "Sensitive Portrayal" or "Passionate," chances are there will not be any Zombies involved.

OK, I'll say it. Regardless of what he was twenty years ago, Tom Cruise is now damaged goods.

Say what you will, but the Trekkie contingent is the most formidable lobby in Hollywood.

Any man over the age of 15 cannot speak Klingon and expect to be taken seriously.

While 9 out of 10 women cannot stand the Three Stooges, 9 out of 10 men find the Stooges to be one of the purest forms of physical comedy.

The Marx Brothers' movies don't enough credit.

Best comedic duos in order: Abbott and Costello, Hope and Crosby, Laurel and Hardy.

As more time goes by, the Martin and Lewis comedic collaboration becomes more and more disturbing.

Films done in the '30's should never be remade.

This also includes any Godzilla film.

Quit going to Friday the 13th movies. It only encourages them.

It is against the laws of nature for any 63 year old man to be as in shape as Sylvester Stallone.

If the previews before the movie are better than the movie itself, you should get your money back.

Sports Rules!

Sports Rules:

The trampoline is no more a sport than "kick the can" or "blind man's bluff".

If you're racing around in a NASCAR event, it's a sport. If you're racing around on an Interstate, it's annoying.

If you weep because your favorite football team lost the Super Bowl, you forfeit next season's watching privileges.

Getting the Olympic gold for the decathlon makes you 4.78 men. Oddly enough, getting the Olympic gold for men's figure skating makes you exactly .478 of a man.

If the car you race in NASCAR is sponsored by Tampax, Playtex or Stayfree pads, even if you win, there is no glory.

Professional football players can get away with wearing spandex uniforms on game day. You, however, cannot.

A female beach volleyball competitor, almost wearing a skin tight bikini, cannot complain about 17 year old boys eyeing her like a piece of meat.

You can be friendly. You can be competitive. You cannot be both at the same time.

Participating in Fantasy Football every year does not make you smarter/better/wiser than the coach. Ergo: Fantasy.

Memorizing the stats of every player on your favorite baseball team is not a very good use of brain power.

A hockey player that still has all his teeth isn't playing hard enough.

A girl that is 17 years old but has the body of a malnourished 12 year old is not a gymnast. She is a tragedy.

Unless your last name ends with "-eaux" or "-ski", the chances of you getting into the Hockey Hall of Fame are slim.

A little boy, sitting in the bleachers along the foul line with a mitt, eating a hot dog is the epitome of Americana.

Football players women find attractive, in order: Quarterbacks, Running Backs, Wide Receivers and Linebackers.

Least attractive: Guards, Tackles and the Center.

If your commute vehicle is a Zamboni, you need to take a break from the NHL.

You cannot drink a specialty micro brew beer at a NASCAR event and expect to get out alive.

The enormous foam cheese wedge you're wearing on your head will not garner you any points from the ladies.

Unless she, too, has an enormous foam cheese wedge on her head.

Rules to Live By, Part II

More basic rules of life:

1. Monsters from Japan have to be radioactive.

2. Pens can only leak if you're wearing light colored clothing.

3. Any rearranging of furniture must be done after sunset, preferably after your normal bed time.

4. All sinus sprays must contain an ingredient that makes you feel like you just snorted ground glass.

5. A man on a WWII era Harley Davidson motorcycle is exactly 3.76 men.

6. A man astride a scooter is 1/8 of a man.

7. It follows that if that man on the scooter is trying to maintain highway speeds, he drops to 1/16 of a man.

8. Long hair on men is allowed. However, if that long hair makes the man look like a girl from behind, then it is strictly forbidden.

9. The more scars, the more interesting.

10. Unless those scars are from office supplies. In which case, no one really cares.

11. If you must go to a therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist, fine. This is not something to brag about to your friends. All the time. Every day.

12. Cat calls and wolf whistles, while in some circles are to be expected, have never produced a single date for any man. Ever.

13. Any tie that your father wore is not cool. Conversely, any tie that your grandfather wore, is so cool it's frosty.

14. Only the pretentiously and obscenely rich may use "Summer" and "Winter" as verbs.

15. "Autumn" and "Spring" cannot be verbed.

16. Naming your house something along the lines of "Oak Manor" or "Prembroke Hill" will not increase the property value. It will, however, make you look like a total doof.

17. One donut: Good. Two donuts: OK. Three donuts: Pushing it. Four or more donuts: Get help.

18. The average ratio of her luggage to yours is 3.4 to 1.

19. A person's ability to be annoying is directly proportional to how complex their coffee order.

20. Adding the rear spoiler/fin thing on the back of your little car will not increase your attractiveness to the ladies. It is not like bird plumage. It only gives us something to ridicule.

21. The letter "z" is not a suitable substitute for the letter "s".

22. If I can hear your stereo through your car window and through mine, it's too loud.

23. It follows that if the woofer for your car stereo is powerful enough to alter the beating of my heart, it's crossed the line from being irritating to be being an environmental hazard.

24. The moment you become concerned about people walking on your lawn is the moment you age fifteen years.

25. If it's on the menu and you cannot pronounce it, you must either, A. order something else or, B. leave and get something from Del Taco.

26. There is no shame in a well made tuna fish sandwich.

27. Those that feel the need to argue over the history and/or the interpretation of American Jazz should be publicly flogged.

28. If you find yourself in a discussion about the economy, it's OK to disentangle yourself from that conversation after 4.2 seconds.

29. Unless you've served in the military, you cannot complain about the military.

30. If you hear the phrase, "Takin' it to the next level", you're about to see something very stupid happen.

31. If your neighbor starts any noisy construction before 9 a.m., they cannot complain about the obscene words burned into their lawn the following night.

32. Shaving the name of your favorite team on your dog should land you in jail.

33. If the name of the team is the Raiders, it should be a felony.

34. If you announce that you're a big fan of Celine Dion, you will get some respect. But it will be hollow.

35. No matter what you do, you cannot upend a bag of chips into your mouth and look dignified at the same time.