Friday, June 26, 2009

Rules to Live By

Some personal credos that I like to live by:

I'd go to a concert that features a band that I used to like back in the '80's. I'd even consider going to a concert that features a tribute band to that group of the '80's. But never to a tribute band to a tribute band. I draw the line there.

Peanut Butter is a pretty universal food. Except in omelets.

Never knock on a bathroom door and ask, "Hey, what're you doin' in there, huh?" Seriously, you don't want to know.

Dogs and cats, no matter how cute, are, at their very core, predatory carnivores. You, regardless how cute, are primarily made of meat. It would behoove you to never forget this, for it is certain that it is always foremost on their minds.

A comedic sketch that is very funny the first time will only be half as funny the next time you hear it. If you hear it again, it will only half again as funny. This continues until you hear it again for the tenth time. At that point, the sketch becomes a form of torture wherein you will confess to crimes you've never committed.

People who laugh at their grandmothers should be taken to clandestine locations and never heard from again.

OK. We all get it by now. The book is better than the movie. Always. I'm still gonna watch it.

If you're watching someone describe the sound of a tornado, chances are, the describer had a hard time graduating the fifth grade. But they sure do make a good tornado sounds.

There is nothing as frightening as watching an angry woman chop vegetables.

Spending the afternoon cutting down a huge bramble of blackberry bushes may be cathartic to you, but it will just tick them off.

Culture is everything. Especially if you're yogurt.

A man who brags about photos he took with a P&S is only half a man.

Ignorance is bliss. Conversely, vast bits of knowledge just tend to irritate other family members.

If you have to explain a cartoon, it still won't be funny to them.

Kelp is not a food. It is about as appealing as going out and gnawing on your lawn.

There is a very fine line between a nice and informative blog and an electronic soapbox for that whacked out guy at the park who wears two different kinds of shoes.

If you're a guy and you spend more than two minutes wondering which shoes to wear to the event, you've crossed over a very important Rubicon into a very scary land.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

You're not going to believe this, but I just found Kona's journal. Here are some of the entries from the last few days:
  • OK, so a tall nice looking blond comes into my den. That's OK, but there's this other, smaller version that came in with her. I've been told that it's not a toy. Riiiiight.... It looks like a toy, sounds like a toy and feels like a toy. It's a toy. And it's all mine.
  • The thing about this small human is that it has no hair. What's with that? No hair. The other humans have some hair, not nearly enough to cover all the pink, but they have hair. But this lap human has a just a hint of hair on top of the head, and that's it. Oh, dude, you're gonna be sooooo cold in the Winter.
  • This little human, hereafter called Baby, makes this noise called crying. Wow. Little body, a whole lotta sound. Note: Barking at crying Baby does not solve problem. Must bark louder next time.
  • Baby was just sitting there and the Blond wasn't paying attention. Look, the Baby was a mess. His face totally covered in... I don't know, whatever it calls food. So, I cleaned him. Nothing special, just the face, the neck, behind the ears and the hands. I was just trying to help. The Blond gets all up in my face about it. Whatever.
  • Whoa.... the Baby thing has no teeth. Seriously. Well, OK, there are a couple of little white Chicklets on the front of the bottom jaw, but that's it. The thing is, what, eight months old? Oh, this thing is seriously defective.
  • This Baby is a whole cornucopia of smells. And not all of them are good, let me tell you.
  • Rex next door lied to me. Cheerios taste nothing like bacon. I ate nearly the whole box and not one of those little O's had even an inkling of bacon. I hate to say it, but I'm really disappointed in that.
  • The Baby sleeps kinda funny. I suppose that's OK, but in order to make sure everything's OK, I have to keep poking him with my nose, which, of course wakes him up. Apparently, this is some sort of "Wrong" that has me going outside. Sheesh.
  • OK, is it just me or does this not sound fair? You pull my ears or my tail, I drag you around by your diaper. Sounds totally fair. Obviously I'm the only one that thinks so here.
  • I'm an easy sort of Dog. I consider myself to be pretty laid back and happy go lucky. I don't ask for much, really. Just. Don't. Touch. The. Rawhide.
  • Oh, WOW! The Baby opened his mouth today and stuck out his tongue! I nearly fell over laughing! That's not a tongue! That's more like a Wanna Be Tongue, or a Practice Tongue! Geez, how does he even drink?
As most of you know, Tif and Jonathan are staying with us for a few weeks. This is a great opportunity for Lisa and I as we haven't had a lot of time with the grandbaby. I've been able to spend some quality moments with Jawathan (not a spelling error, btw). So far, I've taught him some of the fundamental and traditional tribal dances from our family. In exchange for this treat, he has been able to give me access to some of his thoughts:
  • I'm not really sure what I want right now. I'm not hungry or sleepy. I'm not thirsty and there really isn't anything that I want. I guess the best plan right now is to keep crying until something comes along.
  • Oh, wow. Did I just puke? I can't believe I just did that in public. My bad.
  • Whoa, whatever Grandpa just made is completely loaded with cheese. I think I love him.
  • Gads, here comes that dog with the ginormous tongu.... ugh... all over the face. Yeah, I need a towel.
  • OK, Grandma, I get it. No, really. I get the idea. Yeah, yeah, I love you, too. Seriously, now. ALRIGHT, PYSCHO LADY, QUIT KISSING ME!
  • Note to self: Sharing toys with Dog will most likely void the aforementioned toy's warranty.
  • Not too sure what I should be doing right now.... Sooo... I guess blowing spit bubbles is in order.
  • No, look, when I cry like that, it means that I want steak and potato, not that slimy green stuff in the little jar.
  • LEGS! LEGS! WORK WITH ME NOW! C'mon, if that geezer Grandpa can walk, I should be able to, right?
  • Oooo, fuzzy kitty.... I wonder what happens when you pull on the.... OK, I really hope that becomes a manly scar at some point.
  • Are you seriously going to make me wear that? Oh, you are SO going to regret my teenage years.
  • What's with you? That's not a "Aww-Isn't-He-Cute" face. It's a "I'm-Gonna-Hurl-Lunch" face. Just sayin'.
  • No. No way. I'm tellin' you, if you put me in that car seat one more time, I'm gonna... well, do THAT. Now change my diaper. Again.
  • I have no idea why you're all upset. I don't recognize you because from the ankles down, you all look the same.
  • Do you all sound that way? Is that even a language? What the heck does, "Goo goo diddums" even mean? 
  • Wait, you're telling me that it's going to take me fifteen more years before I can even hope to be considered "hulking"? Oh, that sucks.
  • Whoa. Have I got a Super Colon or what? Wow.
  • No, I have no idea what the slimy substance is on my hand. That's why I wiped it on you.
  • Yeah, that's right. I'm crying. Again. Wanna know why? Well, let's see. You're eating something out of a container that says, "Ben & Jerry's", while I, on the other hand, am eating something out of a container that says, "Strained Peas". I think this mystery is solved, mmKay?
  • Oh, please. Not the Five Cheeky Monkeys story again. C'mon. Read me some Cussler or Koontz for a change. At this point, I'd even take a hallucinogenic Dr. Suess.
  • You know, after the first few bites, the dog's food isn't so bad.
  • OK, Dog. Step away from the stroller. I have a weird plastic toy and I'm not afraid to use it.
Interesting tidbits about some of the US State Capitols:

Montgomery, AL: In 1819, upon becoming a state, the Alabama legislature made Montgomery the state capitol by only three votes. In second place was the name, "Rusty's Tavern".

Phoenix, AZ: Named after the mythological bird that plunged into the flames and was reborn anew. The Founding Fathers hoped that when Phoenix rose from the ashes, it would be a bit cooler. 'Parently, they were wrong.

Little Rock, AR: Chosen because, "Great Flipping Lump of Rock" didn't look good on a letterhead.

Sacramento, CA: Located on the mighty Sacramento River, this First City of California was finally picked as the state capitol only because the previous legislative center of the state, Monterey, was just too dang laid back. All the politicians just wanted to spend the day surfing. Sacramento was far enough away from anything remotely interesting so as to hopefully keep distractions at bay. Right....

Tallahassee, FL: Ten times picked as the winner of the annual Capitol with the Coolest Spelling Award.

Atlanta, GA: After Gen. Sherman sacked Atlanta in 1864 during the War Between the States, the Georgia congress searched for a more defensible city. The only place that had more fortifications was, oddly enough, the garage of Rev. Otis Cahooty.

Honolulu, HI: In the native tongue, Honolulu means, "Land of the Great Waves and Killer Dinners Wherein a Pig Is Roasted in a Pit All Day Long". Obviously, Honolulu is easier to write out.

Indianapolis, IN: If you look closely, you'll see the name of the state in the name of the city, "Indianapolis". Clever. Really, really clever.

Des Moines, IA: A tip of the hat to a time when French trappers roamed the land, Des Moines is French for "The Hairy, Stinky Trapper Guy". Or something close to that.

Baton Rouge, LA: Again, another allusion to the the French influence of the region. Baton Rouge is French for, "Red Stick". Apparently the city was named by a previous Governor who was suffering from too much Mardi Gras. When he sobered up, he had no idea what it meant. From that point on, the governors of Louisiana had to prove their sobriety before signing anything into law.

Annapolis, MD: Keeping with the tradition of naming all the important places in the area after women, the Framers of Maryland changed the name of Squidtowne to Annapolis.

Saint Paul, MN: So named because the other saintly candidate, St. Bartholomew was just too long and complicated to write out.

Jackson, MS: The state capitol is not named after the President Andrew Jackson, as some would surmise, but after that famous statesman, Thibodeaux Jackson, champion of the Shrimping Fleet. Well, OK, he's popular down the Delta way.

Helena, MT: Named after the wife of Larry, a cowboy in the area. Who knew.

Carson City, NV: Upon statehood in 1864, Carsonville was upgraded to Carson City.

Santa Fe: Interestingly enough, Santa Fe was originally supposed to be called Santa Felipe Juan Hildago de Corazon del Agua Sancta. Unfortunately, the person in charge of making the sign at the first train station ran out of paint and never finished. Thankfully.

Bismarck, ND: Named after a really tasty doughnut.

Columbus, OH: Contrary to popular belief, Columbus never visited the region.

Oklahoma City, OK: Surely confusing to some, this major city was so named because it's a city, in Oklahoma. A lot of thought went into choosing the right name for this state. Fortunately, this tradition never really stuck otherwise there would be an Oklahoma City, part II, Oklahoma Town. Oklahoma Burg. Oklahoma Unincorporated City. Oklahoma Village.....

Salem, OR: Because it's a nice name.

Harrisburg, PA: Most people think that this city was named after a person named Harris. Not so. The town plat was written down by a man who was almost illiterate, as was so often the case back in 1787. The man's name was Bill Ganter, and he had a dog named, "Harry". Or, as Bill wrote it, Harri. The city is named after Mr. Ganter's dog.

Pierre, SD: For 38 years, a feckless trapper named Pierre Chamboleaux was the only inhabitant of the area that would be known as South Dakota. He never trapped a single animal, but, due to his addled mind, he did write his name on every large rock he could find.

Salt Lake City, UT: Obviously named because the city was built near this great Salt Pan. No one really knows why they built it there. It sounds better than, "City Built On A Great Flat Wasteland".

Montpelier, VT: The French Capitol Name Winner for the last 218 years.

Olympia, WA: The natives in the area say that the meaning of Olympia means, "Cheap Beer", which is odd because the natives weren't introduced to beer for 150 years AFTER the city was founded by the Pabst tribe.

Cheyenne, WY: The Sioux Tribe first named this area Cheyenne from their language meaning, "Geez, who would want to live here?"
Something I realized today:

Einstein theorized that Space is best understood if you think of it as something like a soft blanket or a soft rubber mat. If something heavy were to rest upon that mat, it would sink into it, but if something light were to be on that mat, it would hardly make any kind of impression, right? Same with Space. If an item, like a planet, asteroid, star were to rest in Space, it would, due to it's density and mass, bend or warp Space. The more mass, the more it will effect Space. So, the earth, will create a divot, so to speak, that would be larger than the Moon because it has more mass. That impression, or divot in Space is what we call Gravity. Again, the Sun, because of its enormous mass and density, has a HUGE amount of gravity, more than the planet Mercury. See? Also, the farther you get away from the center of mass that is in Space, the farther you get away from that particular impression in Space, ergo, less gravity. 

Because of that, gravity is not a constant. It's relative to the mass, density and distance from the center of the mass in question. This is all part of that E=mc squared thing. So, if you're at the center of the Earth for some odd reason, you'd probably be crushed because you're so close to the center of the Earth's mass. But if you're a couple of miles away from the Earth's surface, thus being far away from the center of mass, you would not be under the effects of the gravitational pull of the Earth.

All that said to say this: I'm not overweight, I'm just too close to the center of the Earth.

South Africa: For centuries, the Southernmost point of Africa has been called the Cape of Good Hope. Sailors have used this promontory as a line of demarcation between the Atlantic and Indian Oceans. Notoriously rough seas have plagued ships in this region. So much so that many have forgotten that before 1238 AD, it was know as Cape of Outstanding Hope before it was was downgraded to Good Hope. In fact, in 1897, after the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgeorge, the International Marine Board tried to make it Cape of Average Hope, but the movement was thwarted by the advent of steam shipping.

Nepal: Many people know that Mt. Everest is the highest peak in the world. Fewer people know that, within view of Everest, the second highest peak, known as "K2", may be seen. The third highest peak, in view of these two mega-monoliths, is the story here. In 1964, Lord Otis Pemberton, Duke of Bluehaveshire, scaled what he thought to be Everest. What Lord Otis didn't know was that his Sherpa, Doug, had accidentally mixed up the maps. Undeterred, Lord Otis and Doug made the long and dangerous trek to the very top, only to discover that, further to the East, the real peaks stood. Doug, being the ardent and loyal Sherpa, recorded Lord Otis' remarks upon that discovery and to this day, the third tallest peak in the world is known as Mt. Ahcrap.

Polar News: The first explorers of the Northern wastes, noting the abundance of the polar bear, named the region the "Arctic" after the Greek word, "Arctos" or "Bear". Subsequently, the Southern region was called the "Antarctic", again from the Greek meaning "No Bear". Following this theme, some liberal scientists, wanting to update the atlas of the world submitted a request to change the Antarctic to "Antsevenelevenic". This request was summarily denied.

South Chile: When the explorer/captain Magellan circumnavigated the world, he sailed through a treacherous section of the seas; the Southern tip of South America, where the Pacific and the Atlantic Oceans converge with often great violence. This route is known as the Straits of Magellan. Later, Sir Francis Drake, explorer, captain, pirate, hero, took his Golden Hinde around the same area, but through a shorter path, thus called Drake's Passage. Even later, in 1979, an attempt was made to find yet a more effective course by Larry Finderghast. It might have been forever known as Larry's Shortcut, except he wrapped his bass boat around a glacier.

Pt. Barrow, Alaska: For centuries, countries have tried to find the elusive Northwest Passage, a route that would take the shipping lanes above the North American continent. What most people don't realize is that the Northwest Passage was found. That, actually, was never the problem. The problem arose when the ships would get into the Northwest Passage and run into the North Central Ice Block.

India: Any geology student will tell you that the land mass on which India rests is known as the Sub Continent. This is because the geological make up of that particular land mass is vastly different than the make up of the more Northern Asiatic land mass. That some millennia ago, India came crashing into the Asian Continent so hard it crumpled it and created the Himalayas. Because it is "newer" and more South than the rest, it is called the Sub Continent. In light of this, Russia has tried in vain to have the rest of the continent be referred to as the "Uber-Continent".

Turkey: News from the US Supreme Court today states that the ACLU is attempting to change the name of the Black Sea to a more proper and correct name of "Sea of Color".

International Marine Board, Brussels, Belgium: A new report coming out of this august body states that it is highly probable that a water molecule, considering the age of the planet, has spent some time in every body of water. Thus, one H2O structure could've floated around the Pacific, Indian, the Caspian Sea, North Sea, Lake Como, etc. over the last few eons. Because of this revelation, scientists are starting to feel uncomfortable calling the Pacific the Pacific if the water therein could have originated in the Baltic and has come to its current location via the Amazon River. Suggestions ranged from renaming the oceans Paciflantic or the North Medejavian Sea. Frustration ruled until Dr. Jim Henson submitted a name that is in keeping with other scientific names, i.e. Dark Matter or Big Bang. His suggestion, "The Big Blue Wet Thing".

Nepal: As most people know, Lake Titicaca, astride the borders of Peru and Bolivia, is known as the highest navigable lake in the world at 12,497 ft above sea level. The highest NON navigable body of water is Ngor Plangan's bathroom sink in Nepal at 15,688 ft above sea level.

Scandinavia: The legend states that Eric the Red, a Viking of the 11th century, wanting settlers to colonize his newly discovered land, called the promising new locale "Greenland". This, of course, is one of the earliest know examples of marketing in the Western civilization. Eric is also credited with calling another island "Iceland" so as to keep too many people from occupying that territory and thus deplete the fishing grounds. This of course makes one wonder what was going on when Finland was named.

Bend, Oregon, USA: Most of the high peaks in the Cascade range in Oregon are, in fact, not mountains at all, but volcanoes. Dormant, yes, but volcanoes nonetheless. Over on the Eastern side of the Cascades, three mountains stand as sentinels overlooking Bend. They are called the Three Sisters, and are thus named, Faith, Hope and Charity. Over the last few years, however, with the advance of science and with the aid of satellite imagery, it has come to light that there is a FOURTH sister lurking just beneath the surface. A bulge has been detected next to the three older sisters; technically, a magmatic bulge. If one were to wait a few millennia, one could possibly see the newest sister make her appearance. The news of the prenatal volcano has put some people off. Word of these anxious citizens has reached Dr. Archibald Leadwetter, a vulcanologist out of the USGS center in Portland, OR. Dr. Leadwetter's novel solution to ease the people of Bend is to create a 42 acre Clearasil pad and rub the area where the volcano is most likely to erupt. As Dr. Leadwetter says, "A volcano is just an Earth zit. My kids use Clearasil. Works like a charm. Should work just fine here." 
Mottos that countries COULD have used, but probably won't:

  • A Whole Lotta Space and Not A Whole Lotta People.
  • Where the Ice Age never really left

  • We have cool waffles named after us
  • We're the speed bump between Germany and France.

  • We like our letters backwards.
  • Sometimes we just like to beat ourselves up, OK?

  • It's more than wine and pasta. We have good bread, too.
  • We've got more statues than New Zealand has sheep

New Zealand:
  • No, we've got more sheep than Italy has statues
  • Gandalf slept here.

  • Come watch us crumble
  • We used to have more gods than New Zealand has statues and Italy has sheep.

  • We're a country AND a continent. Beat THAT!
  • Our wildlife is weird. Really.

  • You want mountains? Oh, we got your mountains.
  • For a nation known for its neutrality, we make some killer knives.

  • Well, OK, so we occasionally lose a World War.
  • Respect us. We brought you Oktoberfest.

  • Yeah, we can't spell it either.
  • If placed correctly, we're worth, like, 3,000 points in Scrabble

  • We grow glaciers, then melt them.
  • This is what happens when you get a bunch of Vikings together on a small island.

  • A Saab story
  • We play Winter Games in June.

  • Getting past Hamlet-gate one year at a time.
  • We own Greenland. Not really sure why.

  • We could really use some oxygen up here.
  • Geez, who's idea what it to put a country in the Himalayas anyway?

  • We lost the war, and we took over the world.
  • Careful, we know Godzirra.

  • Come see what kind of government we have this week!
  • Monsoons: They really hate us.

  • It's like a Frat House prank: See how many millions of people you can squeeze into a country.
  • Oh, we'll get that phone call for you.

  • A thousand miles long, ten yards wide.
  • Keeping the Pacific Ocean from attacking Argentina for hundreds of years.

  • Sure, we don't have ocean beaches, but we do have Lake Titicaca.
  • We're so cool, we have TWO capitols.
Our local Community College sent out the Spring Schedule. Here are a few of the offerings:

P.E.: Basic Personal Defense 1 credit Prof Larry Hendershott

Literature: Shakespearean Sonnet 3 credits Prof. Perceval Blakely-Smythe

P.E.: Serious Personal Defense 1 credit Prof. Larry Hendershott

Mathematics: Applied Differential Equations 3 credits Dr. Franklin Abercrombie

Mathematics: Deciphering the meaning of that Abercrombie class.

P.E.: Kicking In the Math Heads 1 credit Prof. Larry "the Cobra" Hendershott

Sciences: Amphibian Biology 2 credits Dr. S. Robert Scandeford

P.E.: Karate Slaps to Their Slimy Foreheads 1 credit Prof. Larry "the Cobra" Hendershott

Sciences: Astro Physics, Southern Skies 3 credits Prof. Betty Flanders

P.E.: Professional Flexing in Front of Astro Physics Babes 0 credits Prof. Larry "Buff Daddy" Hendershott

Military Science: Battle Plans of the Mongolians 3 credits Maj. Rock Hammer

P.E.: Ninja Skills Against Dry Military History Junk. 1 credit Prof. Larry "Stealth Cobra" Hendershott

Music: Men's Glee Club. 1 credit Todd McFarlane

P.E.: 10 Easy Moves Against Wimpy Singer Boys. 1 credit Prof. Larry "Macho Cobra" Hendershott

Science: Intro to Planetary Physics 3 credits Dr. Samantha Goodkind

P.E.: Manly Testosterone Fighting Poses 0 credits Prof. Larry "Ripped Cobra" Hendershott

Sociology: Interspatial Relationships Thru History. 3 credits Prof. Dean Crandofutt

P.E.: Using Ancient Martial Arts to Interspate Your Relationships 1 credit Prof. Larry "Sensitive Cobra" Hendershott

Political Science: Why Pumped-Up Phys Ed. Teachers Shouldn't Be Allowed a Free Hand with Scheduling. 3 credits Dean of Students Dr. George Planchett

P.E.: Successful Revenge Against Faculty 0 credits Prof. Larry "Rabid Cobra" Hendershott
Superhero names that never made the cut:

Mister Twister
Himacane (instead of hurricane? Get it? Him... Her) (this is funny stuff, you're supposed to laugh...)
Super Spineless
Cotton Jim
Vegetable Matter Man
Burlap Boy
Super Stutter
Grody Guy
Polyester Boy
The Terrible Texter
Viral Vixen
The Pontificating Procrastinator
Guffaw Girl
Mis Spelar
Massive Muscled Morphing Maven
The Greenhouse Gasser
I thought I'd resurrect the State motto thing again. I think my brain needs a leash.

AL: Bubba slept here
AK: We're freakin' HEE-UGE
AZ: In a land that's completely inhabitable, we built Phoenix.
AR: We don't have accents here. Y'all do. So there.
CA: Yeah, we're just weird like that.
CO: The snow. Never. Leaves. Ever.
CT: We live with Quaint on a daily basis.
DE: We have a very rich history of doing stuff you've never heard about.
FL: Those aren't really the Everglades. We're just sinking.
GA: Quit laughin' at us.
HI: People come from all over to have Heat Stroke here.
ID: We're the buffer state that keeps Washington and Montana from starting a war with each other.
IL: If you look closely, our state kinda looks like an arrowhead. Cool, huh?
IN: Of all the Flyover States, we're the most Flyoverer.
IA: We follow Indiana on the Alphabetical List of States.
KS: That whole Wizard of Oz thing is real. We just know it.
KY: Hillbilly isn't an option. It's genetic.
ME: Rest easy, America. We're keepin' a sharp eye on that suspicious Nova Scotia.
MD: Annapolis. Where we train boys to become squids.
MA: We have that cool looking Cape Cod curly cue goin' for us.
MI: We've got more Great Lakes than anybody.
MN: We just barely survived the last Ice Age.
MS: Da ejuwkashun stayt.
MO: We're one of the fifty states.
MT: We're not just Big Sky Country, we're Big Dirt Country, too. 
NE: If nowhere had a middle, we'd be it.
NV: It's like we're this great big Sandbox of the US.
NH: Don't get us confused with Hampshire, which is in another country altogether.
NJ: The Statue of Liberty is OURS.
NM: Honestly, we don't have ranches here. We just fenced off large tracts of desert.
NY: You mean there are other states besides us?
NC: We're North Carolina, but, technically, we're still in the South. Mmmkay?
ND: They made a state but forgot to furnish it with anything.
OH: It's like we're saying, "Hi" between two big O's.
OK: We're the only state that has the initials that are just OK.
OR: It's where the cool people live.
PA: The Amish are coming! The Amish are coming!
RI: All thirty of us invite you to visit our state.
SC: We're much smaller than Alaska.
SD: We actually stopped being a state back in 1924, but no one noticed.
TN: A proud history of Elvis mania.
TX: We're big, we're overheated and we're dirty. Kinda like your weird uncle.
UT: Face it, there's just some scary things that happen here.
VT: With a capital named Montpelier, we have to be cool.
VA: We're one of the only two "V" states there are.
WA: Where it's soggy, and we like it!
WV: We give that Appalachian reputation the Oomph!
WI: If you're here, It's Brats and Beer!
WY: If you turn us upside down, we're still shaped like a square.
I think it's weird that the bag full of Frosted Animal Cookies has to tell you what animals are inside. Like, it has a Camel cookie on the front with a little banner below it that says, "Camel". As if some kid is gonna look at that and think, "Wow. That's a camel? Seriously? I coulda sworn that was a dromedary." Or, why should they impose their limits on my imagination? Huh? Who do they think they are? That's not a camel, that's a horse with a very serious kidney infection.
Things I would put into the vocabulary of a GPS unit, if I had the chance:

-You are so lost.
-No, no, NO! Your OTHER left!
-Whoa, well, that ain't right.
-At your next opportunity, jack slap yourself on the forehead for making that turn.
-Nope, my bad. Turn around, let's try that again.
-I don't want to go there. Input some other place.
-I give up.
-In four hundred feet, turn left and arrive at IMMINENT DOOM!
-Is that the fastest you can go? Geez.
-Dude, Coffee. Now.
-WATCH OUT! OK, drive on.
-The driver in the car behind you has some serious road rage. Just a warning.
-OK, listen very carefully, You're. Going. The. Wrong. Way.
-I've just reported your whereabouts to a secret Government agency.
Unofficial State Mottos, Part Deux:

Alabama: We live up to our stereotypes.
Alaska: We're cool. Really, really cool.
Arizona: Visit us in the Winter. Your Grandparents do.
Arkansas: Yeah, we know, but it's pronounced, "AHR-kin-saw". Don't ask why, we don't know.
California: Silicone: It's not just for the valley anymore
Colorado: We built a state where there's not enough oxygen.
Connecticut: It just sounds snobby, doesn't it?
Delaware: We were really something back in the 18th century.
D.C.: The only place where you break a Federal Law within three blocks from where it was made.
Florida: Actually, we're more like a big sandbar.
Georgia: We'll talk with y'all, but it'll take a while.
Hawaii: We build cities and our mountains melt them.
Idaho: We're more than just potatoes, but we're not really sure what.
Illinois: Where our streets are straight, and our State Government isn't.
Indiana: We're so wholesome it's disturbing.
Iowa: Keeping the world hopped up on corn syrup since 1846.
Kansas: We're that light blue square in the middle of your US map.
Kentucky: State elixir: Moonshine.
Loisiana: Well, NOW we know all about hurricanes.
Maine: Eccentricity is our birthright.
Maryland: And then, there's Baltimore....
Massachusetts: If you go into a dark bathroom, stand before the mirror and say, "Massachusetts" three times fast, you'll turn into a Kennedy.
Michigan: Buy our cars, or we take your tax dollars; either way, we're good.
Minnesota: Keeping the Canadian hordes at bay for over 100 years.
Mississippi: There's a river with the same name right next to us. Jeepers.
Missouri: Mark Twain liked us. That's gotta count for something.
Montana: People like it here, and no one knows why.
Nebraska: Nothing ever happens here. It's the Law.
Nevada: Come in! Gamble! Get drunk! Get married to people you don't even know!
New Hampshire: Come watch presidential candidates act like fools for our 4 electoral votes.
New Jersey: Not so much a state as it is an attitude.
New Mexico: By now, it's more like Middle Aged Mexico.
New York: We welcome people from all over the world and let them drive our taxis.
North Carolina: We showed the movie "Deliverance" more as a documentary.
North Dakota: A whole lotta nothin' going on.
Ohio: We're Middle Classy.
Oklahoma: We're the only state with a real looking panhandle.
Oregon: Where Weird lives.
Pennsylvania: We've got "-slyvania" at the end of our name. How cool is that?
Rhode Island: You can tour the entire state and still be home in time for lunch.
South Carolina: Proud 400 year history of growing stuff that turns your lungs into charcoal briquettes.
South Dakota: We're the Anti-Hawaii.
Tennessee: Home of St. Jack Daniels.
Texas: Someday, we'll make good on all that boasting.
Utah: When we say, "Lake," we mean, "Big, Dry, Flat Place."
Vermont: We're more than just maple syrup. We also have Ben & Jerry's.
Virginia: We've got history oozing out of our Olde Towne.
Washington: Over here, our mountains blow up.
West Virginia: Here, you're family. No, really.
Wisconsin: Our main seasonal crop is Snow Drift.
Wyoming: Where tumbleweeds outnumber people.
State mottos that never made it to the final vote.

Alabama: Our Sweet Tea is really, really sweet.
Alaska: You don't need a refrigerator here.
Arizona: The Land is so inhospitable, it'll blow your mind.
Arkansas: Kinda like Kansas, but with an Ar attached.
California: Over here, nothing is real.
Colorado: Mountains? We got your Mountains right here.
Connecticut: Geez, that's hard to spell, isn't it?
Delaware: Just because you can't find us on the map, doesn't mean we're not important.
D.C.: Not really a state, but we have some stuff here.
Florida: Yeah, it's just that flat here.
Georgia: It's pronounced Jaw-jaw.
Hawaii: We really, really like vowels here.
Idaho: Spuds and Militias. Gotta problem wid dat?
Illinois: We grow presidents.
Indiana: We were just going to be Indian, but someone snuck in an "a" at the last minute.
Iowa: We epitomize "Flyover".
Kansas: Like Arkansas, but without that annoying "Ar".
Kentucky: Seriously, the grass here isn't blue.
Louisiana: We've turned drunkedness into an artform
Maine: Waaaay up in the right hand corner.
Maryland: We're the only state with "-land" in our name. We're just that cool.
Massachusetts: Don't worry, we can't spell it right either.
Michigan: We're so neat, we're broke in two.
Minnesota: Swedes R Us
Mississippi: Lookit all dem letters.
Missouri: There's a reason it sounds like Misery.
Montana: Lots and lots of dirt.
Nebraska: Right. In. The. Middle.
Nevada: We bury stuff here that you don't want to know about.
New Hampshire: Oregon has counties bigger than us.
New Jersey: We don't do beaches. We have shores.
New Mexico: Kinda like Mexico, but newer.
New York: Look, there's a lot more here than that city.
North Carolina: We're North of that other Carolina state.
North Dakota: Honest, there's really nothing here.
Ohio: We make bowling look cool.
Oklahoma: We're kinda oily, but in a good way.
Oregon: God's acre.
Pennsylvania: We made it possible for the Amish and Pittsburgh to be in the same state.
Rhode Island: Slightly bigger than your backyard.
South Carolina: We're South of that other Carolina state.
South Dakota: Mt. Rushmore. 'Nuff said.
Tennessee: We're trying to confine Country Music. Honest.
Texas: Bigger egos for no real good reason.
Utah: We grow red rocks here.
Vermont: We make up the other half of that New Hampshire/Vermont polygon.
Virginia: We make "Commonwealth" sound cool.
Washington: We like rain.
West Virginia: We'd like to thank the Civil War for birthing us.
Wisconsin: We make enough cheese to make the world constipated. Think about it.
Wyoming: Is there anyone still here?