Sunday, May 29, 2011

History Selections for May 29th

363 - Roman Emperor Julian defeats the Sassanid army in the Battle of Ctesiphon, under the walls of the Sassanid capital, but is unable to take the city. The Roman Senate censures the Emperor for not finishing the fight against a bunch of people with unpronounceable names.

1176- The Lombard League defeats Emperor Frederick I in four games out of seven.

1660 – English Restoration: Charles II is restored to the throne of Great Britain after Parliament promises not to go off half cocked again and start chopping off royal heads again.

1677 – Treaty of Middle Plantation establishes peace between the Virginia colonists and the local Natives. The Treaty of Higher Plantation never really took off and the Treaty of the Lower Plantation, well, no one really cared.

1790 – Rhode Island becomes the last of the original United States' colonies to ratify the Constitution and is admitted as the 13th U.S. state. The reason for the delay was no one in Congress wanted to admit that Rhode Island was really a state and not just another state park belonging Massachusetts.

1886 – Chemist John Pemberton places his first advertisement for Coca-Cola, the ad appearing in the Atlanta Journal. The following week, the DEA raids the laboratory of Pemberton and 3 metric tons of Coke are confiscated. Pemberton is sent to Larryton State Penitentiary for 15 years.

1903 – May coup d'etat: Alexander Obrenovich, King of Serbia, and Queen Draga, are assassinated in Belgrade by the Black Hand (Crna Ruka) organization. The Ecru Hand was put out because they felt that the Black Hand had stolen their idea and the MacTartan Clan Hand had lost some street cred for not taking their chance the previous week. All in all, the Black Hand, though successful, was not invited to the All Hands Christmas Ball for years.

1913 – Igor Stravinsky's ballet score The Rite of Spring receives its premiere performance in Paris, provoking a riot. Because there's nothing Parisians like better than a good riot over a ballet.

1919 - Albert Einstein's theory of general relativity is tested (later confirmed) by Arthur Eddington's observation of a total solar eclipse in Principe and by Andrew Crommelin in Sobral, Ceará, Brazil. Later, Einstein would be heard saying, "What does THAT have to do with anything?"

1919 – The Republic of Prekmurje founded. Yeah, go ahead. Try to find it.

1942 – Bing Crosby, the Ken Darby Singers and the John Scott Trotter Orchestra record Irving Berlin's "White Christmas", the best-selling Christmas single in history, for Decca Records in Los Angeles. Christmas, be it White or not, was never the same.

1953 – Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay become the first people to reach the summit of Mount Everest. After about fifteen minutes, Tenzing turned to Edmund and asked, "Wait, you forgot the inner tube? How are we getting down from here?"

1964 – The Arab League meets in East Jerusalem to discuss the ""Palestinian question", leading to the formation of the Palestinian Liberation Organization. Of course, no one really figured out the answer because no one could nail down the actual question.

1999 – Olusegun Obasanjo takes office as President of Nigeria, the first elected and civilian head of state in Nigeria after 16 years of military rule. Three days later, huge amounts of money were found in different accounts throughout Nigeria and they started offering it all to anonymous people throughout the world via email. Honest.

2001 – U.S. Supreme Court rules that disabled golfer Casey Martin can use a cart to ride in tournaments. In the same ruling, the Court denied Greg Lovenski the right to compete in the tournaments while on a pogo stick.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

History Lessons for May 22.

And just to prove that my brain is completely in neutral, I give you HISTORY for May 22, as found on

334 BC: Alexander the Great's army whups Darius III of Persia in the Battle of Granicus. Later, Alexander would say that this battle was not really fair because Darius III, half way through the fight, cried "Do Over!", but Alexander never payed heed.

1176: The Assassins (aka: Hashshashin) tried to kill Saladin. Historians believe the plot failed because of the Hashshashin were doped up on Ecstasy instead of Heroin due to a supply bottleneck in Detroit.

1377: Pope Gregory XI issued five papal bulls to denounce some Protestant reforms. He also issued three papal goats, a papal rooster and five papal llamas for good measure and to really make his feelings known.

1807: Most of the English town of Chudleigh is destroyed by fire. As a result, the boy's name, "Chudley" never regains its former popularity in English speaking countries.

1826: The HMS Beagle departs for its first historic voyage. There were supposed to be four or five HMS Beagles setting sail that day under the command of Adm. Tallihoe and they were slated to chase down the USS Fox.

1840: The transporting of British convicts to Australia is abolished. They were all diverted to Baltimore instead.

1843: Thousands of people and their cattle start to head West via wagon train from Independence, MO to what will be known as the Oregon Territory. Any person NOT directly descended from these pioneers will NEVER be considered NATIVE OREGONIANS. Just the way it is. Sorry.

1897: The Blackwall Tunnel under the River Thames is opened. Then someone said, "Hey, wouldn't it be a whole lot cheaper if we just, you know, built a BRIDGE?"

1906: The Wright Brothers are granted a US patent for their "Flying Machine". Their younger and more business savvy cousin, Larry Wright, had already copyrighted the term "airplane" the previous month.

1915: Lassen Peak, a volcano in N. California, blows up. Mt. St. Helens takes notes.

1939: Germany and Italy sign the "Pact of Steel". This was more binding than the previous treaties known as the Pacts of Aluminum, Hardened Cake Frosting and Balsa Wood.

1942: Mexico enters WWII on the side of the Allies. A huge sigh of relief as EVERYONE was worried which side they would go.

1960: An earthquake measuring 9.5 on the MMS strikes Chile. Most of the country slides off into the Pacific Ocean, but no one can tell.

1964: President LBJ announces his major goals for his Great Society program. Chief of which is "Party Hats for Everybody!"

1969: Apollo 10's Lunar Module flies only 8 miles above the Moon's surface. Pilot Eugene Cernan was heard to say, "Missed it by THAT much."

1980: Namco releases an arcade game called "Pac-Man". Couch potato suddenly became a lifestyle choice.

1992: Johnny Carson does his final stint as the host for "The Tonight Show". No one has really cared since.

1992: (Same year as the above event, but not nearly as important) Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia and Slovenia join the UN. It's OK, though, as no one can tell them apart or find them on a map anyway.

2003: Annika Sörenstam becomes the first woman to play in the PGA Tour. The Good Ol' Boys that comprise the board of the PGA thought they were hiring a new "Sweet Thang" to fill their glasses with Sweet Tea and Bourbon. Imagine their surprise.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Star Trek Lists!!

Failed Star Trek movie productions:

The Bath of Khan
Red Shirted Ensigns' Revenge
Battle of Shatner's Corset
Memorial Day Picnic and the Romulan Ale Incident
Kingon's Green Collar Comedy Tour

Vulcan Bit Players:

Borek: Owner/Operator of the 7-Eleven on Broadway and Soquel Ave.
Dontgivvahek: Professor of Apathetic Studies at Starfleet Academy
Sornek (aka "Giggles"): Vulcan comedian.
Francinek: Jewish Vulcan Shadchan (matchmaker) for Pon Farr.
Larry: Early Vulcan traveller who's name was changed at Ellis Island in 1897.

Forbidden Items in the Food Replicator:

Pickled Beets
Shrimp Flavored Ramen
Velveeta Cheese
Brussel Sprouts
Gefilte Fish

Most Requested Items in the Food Replicator:

Ham Twice Baked Potatoes
Dan-o Sandwiches
Buster Bar Blizzards
Chocolate Covered Bacon (thanks, Chris. )

Other Uses for Tribbles:

Dishwashing scrubbers
Review Mirror Decorations
Cat Toys
Linked together, they create the much sought-after Tribble Trench Coat

Future Star Trek Crossover Movie Ideas:

Care Bear Adventures on Qo'noS (Klingon home planet)
Predator v. Kirk
Aliens: Amok on USS Enterprise
Beverly Hills 90210: Starfleet Academy Years
Seinfeld on the Bridge of the Enterprise

Other Gene Roddenberry Ideas:

Star Geckos: Lizards that roam around the galaxy looking for succulent banana leaves.
Star Flex: Muscle bound idiots lost in the Steroid Nebula
Deep Space 1408: Space Station that has all sorts of bad luck.
Star Trek: The Next, Next, Next Generation: Wherein Kirk's great-great-great granddaughter works as a janitor onboard the USS Wonky Biscuit.
Enterprise, the Ultimate Prequel: Set in the year 1937 and following the life of Greg "Goofy" Kirk and his experimental car body shop.

Scandals Aboard the Enterprise:

When it comes out that Scotty was actually Welsh.
Sulu's DUI in the Delta Sector. He blew a 1.2 while piloting a Grissom class research vessel.
When they found that when Spock was on watch on the bridge, he was secretly recording episodes of Sponge Bob for later viewing.
Dr. McCoy's moonlighting job as a Chippendale dancer in Boston.
Lt. Uhura caught cheating on the Casino moon of Anderal-6.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Things to do or say during a business meeting.

1. Remember, whenever possible, use quotes from Winnie the Pooh to make your point. E.g. “As Winnie the Pooh would say, ‘Tut, tut, looks like rain.’”

2. You don’t know it, but that guy across from you, Mr. All Business, likes to watch Teletubbies. Alone. :shock:

3. It’s important to remember that in the corporate world, never let them see you sweat. Drooling, however, is OK.

4. Don’t forget to do that “stare at the ceiling to see how many people you can get to look, too” trick.

5. Ask the presenter if they can translate what they just said into your native tongue. Then choose some ancient dialect like Chaldean or Sanskrit.

6. Make today Opposite Day. If they get frustrated, tell them that Opposite Day was scheduled waaaay before the conference.

7. Whenever they ask you do do something, tell them that you have to have a consultation first. Then start talking into your purse or a binder, whatever, and then give an answer.

8. If the ask if anyone has questions, raise your hand (ala Horschak) and ask random questions. Is that a wig? Did your mom make that tie? etc.

9. Make up various and bizarre allergies as excuses why you can’t do something. Allergic to toner is one of my faves.

10. End every statement with “...or, as my dog would say, ‘Bark.’”

11. Ask everyone if they’re pregnant. Over and over again. Male or female. Twice in the same conversation.

12. Ask bizarre political questions at odd times: “So, you’re saying you would vote for Nixon to a third term? even if he’s dead?”

13. There is no shame in playing tabletop football during a meeting. There is, however, ample shame if you insist on being the Detroit Lions.

14. Why you tell them that something’s a bad idea, reference to the fall of Tyre in 336 BC and say that’s what THEY did.

15. If challenged, accuse the challenger of being an un-American fascist.

16. Act uber paranoid. Before speaking, cover up something like it has a listening bug. Talk like a spy: The Dogs run in June. Then wink knowingly.

17. Go totally OCD. Say you simply cannot continue until so and so straightens out their paper pile or combs their hair.

18. Go off on cheese tangents while speaking. Start talking about one thing, but end up talking about how beautiful provolone is.

19. Make is so every answer is highly classified and you can’t answer for fear of breaching national security.

20. Duck as you go through doorways. Explain to anyone that asks that you were a basketball star in a former life and you can’t seem to break the habit.

21. Get indignant and say, “Who used the black toner to copy these papers? I specifically asked for purple ink!”

22. Whenever possible, start each sentence with, “This reminds me of that Star Trek episode where....” then make up some weird plot line that has no context with the conversation.

23. Pick a random person in the meeting. Ignore them completely.

24. Repeatedly ask if it’s time for nachos yet.

25. Refer to yourself in the Royal Third Person. “We are not amused.” etc.

26. Make every attempt to tell people how much better things were in the Old Country.

27. Hold every piece of paper up to the light like you’re looking for hidden messages.

28. If someone disagrees with you, challenge them to a duel. “Swords at dawn.”

29. Take and record your pulse rate every three minutes.

30. Every so often, back away from the table and conduct a series of office chair yoga moves. Or Tai Chi.

31. Frequently ask if “this will be on the test.”

32. Keep telling the person waaay across the table to stop kicking you.

33. Every time a policy comes up, tell them that it was negated by the Treaty of Versailles.

34. “Wait, is this in English? Is nothing here done in American?”

35. Keep asking if it’s nap time yet or when the graham crackers and milk are coming.

36. “Sounds good, but what does the Dalai Lama have to say about this?”

37. Crumble up all your paperwork into tight little balls and say that it’s Office Stress Origami.