Thursday, April 28, 2011

Royal Wedding Madness!!

Well, it's here. There's no way to avoid it now. The Royal Wedding is upon us. Oh, there's going to be frenzy, no doubt about it. Pomp, check. Circumstance, check. Really big hats, check.

Although Americans fought and won a vicious and protracted war two centuries ago against the UK, we still have an obsession with all things royal. Case in point, Princess Diana is still a Rainmaker to the cover of People magazine. Right up there with "The World's 50 Sexiest Industrialists and Cabana Boys."

OK, maybe "obsession" is a strong word. There are those of us that are still suffering a hangover from the Charles/Diana regalia almost exactly 30 years ago. (Yeah, 30 years.) There are probably some of us that aren't all that excited about the upcoming nuptials like others would be. I've seen more people camped outside "Best Buy" waiting for the new iPad than were camped out waiting for a good spot for the Royal Entourage parade.

Those of you that are looking forward to all the ritual and glitter that comes with a royal wedding, good on you. (Any bets that Prince Harry will meet some gal and get married in a small chapel officiated by a British Elvis?)

There are many of you that are NOT looking forward to the wedding, either because your invite got lost in the post, or you hate weddings or you're not looking forward to the months and months and months of tabloid coverage with various headlines like "Prince William Discovered to Be Lizard Person!" "Kate Has Affair With Bat Boy" or "Aliens Confer Royal Gifts to Newlyweds", etc.

If you're one of those that loathe the brouhaha that will come from all this, here is a list of things that you can do that would be a better use of your time.
  • Watch reruns of the Charles/Diana wedding and tell yourself, "Well, THAT turned out well."
  • Write a new Declaration of Independence to Prince William on behalf of the United States. You know, just to reaffirm our intentions with the upcoming Monarch.
  • Do damage to your brain with a spoon.
  • Start an office pool to see what child they will have first: Boy, Girl or some mutated Human/Bat Boy thing.
  • Watch your cable PPV channel to see if they will air the "QEII/Camilla Wedding Smackdown". Oh, yeah. It's gonna happen.
  • Tell your gullible coworkers that the Royal Couple will be spending their Honeymoon in the _______ State Park. (use a State Park that is very close to you.)
  • Send flowers to yourself at work with a big card that says, "Sorry we missed you at the wedding. Hope to see you soon. Will & Kate"
  • Spend hours imagining how fun it would be if a couple thousand Harley riders joined in on the procession in full Sturgis leather riding gear.
  • Try to bribe the Bishop of Canterbury to do the vows like the guy in "Princess Bride" "Wuv... twoo wuv, wiw fowwoah you fowevah"... (OK, YOU try to spell that out phonetically)
  • Crash as many local weddings in your area as you can, wearing a shirt that says, "Too Bad Your Wedding Will Be Forever Overshadowed By That OTHER Couple."
  • Take shots of the Royal Wedding from online and Photoshop yourself in as many of them as you can. Sitting next to the Queen, giving the Bishop "bunny ears", kissing the bride, etc.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

New Books You've Never Heard Of

Other books by A.A. Milne:
  • Pooh and the Tax Evasion Charge
  • Eeyore and the Bout With Prozac
  • The Freudian Interpretation of Pooh's Thousand Acre Wood
  • Owl's False Diploma
  • The Day Tigger Went Into Rehab

Sequels to Gone With the Wind:
  • Gone Even Further On That Darned Wind
  • Wishing Gen. Sherman Would Go On That Wind
  • Dang Wind Is Playing Havoc With My Hair
  • Rhett Butler Investigating the Wind
  • Mealy Mouth Melanie Talks About the Wind

Ernest Hemingway's other books:
  • Papa Hemingway's Children's book of Depravity and Despair
  • Hunting Endangered African Animals for Fun and Profit
  • Shotguns I've Met and Loved
  • Why I'm a Closet Vegan
  • For Once, Can't I Just Embrace My Feminine Side?!

Unpublished Charles Schultz books:
  • Peanuts and the Big Bar Fight
  • Pig-Pen and Bath Day
  • Linus and His Involvement in the Iran-Contra Affair
  • CIA Agent Snoopy and the Red Baron Water Boarding Scandal
  • Charlie Brown's Steroid Use Case

John Stienbeck's little known books:
  • Jaunty Little Limericks of Death and Dysfunctionality
  • Pleasant Bedside Stories of The Great Depression
  • The Day the Pony Died and Other Happy Tales
  • Poverty Stricken Migrant Workers and Their Charming Mythos
  • Fun Adventures of the Indigent Oyster Farmers of Cannery Row

Arthur Conan Doyle's other stories:
  • Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Wonky Biscuit
  • Sherlock Holmes and the Case of My Burnt Morning Toast
  • Sherlock Holmes and the Incident With That Idiot at the Pharmacist's
  • Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Watson's Inability to Spell Big Words
  • Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Prof. Moriarty's Using of Nasty Language Around Mrs. Hudson

Dr. Suess' later works:
  • Interplay Between the Fascist Stars on Thars and the Anti-Stars Anarchists
  • Green Egg Conspiracy Theory
  • Hop On Pop Abuse Incident
  • Why the Grinch Was Misunderstood By Society
  • Horton Was Actually Hearing Impaired

Dr. Stephen Hawking's works before "Brief History of Time":
  • Unfolding Cosmology of That White Chunk in My Pork and Beans
  • Pithy Haikus Regarding Black Holes
  • Quantum Physics and Motorcycle Repair for Dummies
  • I Know Where Heisenberg Is AND How Fast He's Going
  • Favorite Knock Knock Jokes About Worm Holes

Monday, April 4, 2011

Random Observances

Some Random Observations of Life:
  • Über-nerds don't move their arms when they walk.
  • Never borrow crayons from people who meticulously use the crayon sharpener. They'll never be happy with the returned crayon.
  • The word, "Fine" has waaaaay too many definitions for everyday conversation. It's best left for the professional talkers.
  • The building of one's burrito is a very private thing and should never be allowed to be done by strangers.
  • No matter how interesting it is, the movie, "Ghostbusters" wasn't based on fact.
  • Mimicking Sean Connery does not readily translate to mean that you will be as much of a chick magnet as Sean Connery.
  • Making serious, long lasting relationship decisions via text message should be avoided at all cost.
  • A man with a small, nearly hairless dog in his shirt pocket should be not be allowed to mingle with society.
  • The same goes for a man with a large, muscle bound dog on a stainless steel leash and collar.
  • You have the freedom of speech. Apparently, you also have the freedom of stupid. Try not to combine the two.
  • Pancakes have almost no nutritional value. They do, however, exude in Vitamin Happy.
  • Most of the best comebacks in the world occur two hours after the conversation has ended.
  • Using a spice or a seasoning simply because it sounds good is not the best use of your culinary time.
  • I'm thinking that most of the caustic and troubling issues brewing in the world could be solved by making a happy, wagging dog the General Secretary of the UN.
  • If Pirates had hired Ninjas, history would've been much more interesting.
  • The truth must come out. Kids: You probably will never have to use geometry or write in cursive. There. I said it.
  • The ancient Egyptians used to bury their pharaohs with food so that they will have something to eat in the afterlife. I'd like the four meat pizza, please, with pepper jack cheese.
  • At some point, we have to ask if Snow White would've really taken that apple from the creepy old woman.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Books I'd Like to See


From Jean Auel:
  • Clan of the Nasty Little Buggers
  • Hunter/Gatherer Accountants
  • CSI: Neanderthal
  • Land of the Bad Tacos
  • Annoying Tree Hugging Earth Muffin Clan

J. K. Rowling:
  • Harry Potter and the Botched Tuna Fish Casserole
  • Harry Potter and the Unknown Foot Fungus
  • Harry Potter and the Tax Audit
  • Harry Potter and the Bum Assault Charge
  • Harry Potter and the Northern Idaho Militia Scandal

Mark Twain:
  • Tom Sawyer's Book of Quantum Mechanics Theories
  • Huck Finn and Injun Joe Go To Washington as Lobbyists
  • Steamboats and Their Insidious and Purposeful Destruction of the Mississippian Evironment
  • A Thesis of the Interplay Between the Architects of the Southern Reconstruction and the Displaced Native American
  • Wonky Biscuits of the Suez

Lewis Carrol:
  • Alice in Detroit
  • Alice Strung Out of Hallucinogenic "Looking Glass" Mushrooms
  • Alice and the Mad Hatter's Successful Sit-In Against the Despotic Red Queen
  • Wonderland's Annexation of Slovakia
  • Cheshire Cat and the Root Canal

Charles Dickens:
  • The Groundhog's Day Carol
  • David Titaniumfield
  • Nasty Little Sinus Infection That Disturbs My Soul
  • Freaky Clowns That Lurk in My Basement AND NEVER STOP DOING THAT SMALL CAR TRICK!

Albert Einstein:
  • Hey, Look, The Bomb Wasn't Really My Idea, So Quit Calling.
  • My Theory of Relativity is Very Relative, Relatively Speaking
  • My Best Hair Style Ideas
  • The Uranium and Plutonium Cookbook
  • E=mc^2 Will NOT Help You Make the Perfect Omelette

Lilian Jackson Braun:
  • The Cat Who Slung Hash At Shari's
  • The Cat Who Beat the CRAP Outta the Barking, Annoying Dog Next Door
  • The Cat Who Engineered Cold Fusion With Two Light Bulbs and a Pickle
  • The Cat Who Didn't Really Do Much At All
  • The Cat Who Worked Out The Unification Theory

Dr. Suess:
  • I'm OK, but You're a Total Freak
  • I'm Writing This Tripe So That You'll Buy the Book and I'll Become Rich
  • This Book is Full of Made Up Words
  • OK, Look, Green Eggs are Probably Not All That Good For You
  • Blaxor, the Clear-Cutting, Amoral, Hedonistic, Carnivorous and Environmentally Damaging Redneck from Oregon