Sunday, October 3, 2010

Here's a short list of REAL state mottos.

OK, I know that my lists can be irritating, but I was looking at the real State mottos.

AK: "North to the Future" So, I guess, South to the Has Been?
AR: "The People rule" I think it would be so much better if they updated it to, "The People RULE! Awesome!"
CT: "He who transplanted sustains" What the heck does THAT mean?
KS: "To the stars through difficulty". Wow. That's comforting.
ME: "Dirigo", which is Latin for "I Lead". When I first saw it, I thought it said, "Dingo". Then I thought, "That's the best motto EVER."
MD: "Manly deeds, womanly words." Tough, with a high pitched voice. Mike Tyson!
MN: "L'étoile du Nord" or "Star of the North". Only motto in French.
MT: "Oro y Plata" Latin for "Gold and Silver". Hey, let's just cut to the bottom line here, OK?
NH: "Live free or die". In today's environment, that'll probably be changed to "Live free or negotiate" soon.
NM: "It grows as it goes" Recently voted as the most Dr Seuss motto in the Union.
NC: "To be, rather than to seem" Deep.
OR: Translates to mean, "She flies with her own wings". Who thought that up? Who let the guy stoned on 'shrooms in charge of the motto?
RI: The oldest of the mottos. Simply, "Hope". Short, sweet, easy to cross-stitch onto pillow shams. The three big criteria.
TN: "Agriculture and Commerce". OK, guys, look. A motto is supposed to be inspirational, not the list of economic high points of your state.
UT: Industry. See above.
VA: "Sic semper tyrannis" Isn't that what John Wilkes Booth said right after shooting Abe Lincoln? That's kinda, I don't know, creepy, you know?
WA: OK, ready for this? "Al-ki". It's Chinook jargon for "By and by". Why not just say, "Whatever". Means sorta the same.

State Mottos, Again!

OK Class, it's time we took a look at the States of the Union again.

AL: We do a lot of Southern stuff here and we're comfortable with most of it.
AK: Hey, after the Polar Shift in 2012, all this will be a tropical paradise.
AZ: We can fry eggs on our sidewalks. In January.
AR: We disavow any affiliation with Kansas.
CA: Our biggest export is a product called Weird.
CT: The bedroom state for NYC.
DE: We're the first ones to ratify the Constitution. Haven't done much since, but at least we have THAT.
FL: All the heat and humidity of Hawaii, but without the scenery or all those pesky volcanos
GA: We have "hick" down to an artform.
HI: Our state motto is, "Ua mau ke ea o ka aina i ka pono". We use more vowels than any other state. FTW!
ID: We're more than just potatoes. When we figure out just what, we'll let you know.
IL: The French colonized us a long time ago. We've gotten over that, can't you?
IN: We're in the Midwest. What does actually mean?!
IA: Corn. Soy. Corn. Soy. Corn. Soy. That about covers it.
KS: Sorta ticked at Arkansas for using our name without permission. Oh, there'll be a court hearing on this, believe you me.
KY: Keeping Western Appalachian traditions alive, one still at a time.
LA: We have Jazz here. Oh, and malaria, but let's focus on Jazz, OK?
ME: Guardians of the Northeast corner. Keeping a close eye on that shady Nova Scotia.
MD: Our state name is Maryland and our capitol is Annapolis. The girls run this state, geez.
MA: If it wasn't for Cape Cod sticking out there like that, you'd probably never find us.
MI: Don't talk to us about Detroit, alright? We're getting treatment for that.
MN: We're all the way up here in the attic.
MS: After a while, our state name just looks like a typo.
MO: We're the "Show Me" state. Just... don't show me that. Or that. Oh, COME ON! Not that either! GAA!
MT: Where the Wild West gets a little crazy, too.
NE: We're one of the easiest pieces in that little US puzzle you had when you were a kid.
NV: Aw, what the heck. We'll just legalize everything.
NH: Look, when the presidential candidates would come here to campaign, it was cute... at first. Now, well...
NJ: We've got so much attitude, we're going to start to tax it.
NM: Not saying it's dry here, but we can make buildings out of mud and not worry about them washing away.
NY: I think we could fit one or two more people on Manhattan. Come on, people, scootch in closer.
NC: Hey, Virginia and us, we're tight.
ND: Our state capitol is named after a sort of doughnut. Gads, that's embarrassing.
OH: Our state motto is, "With God, all things are possible". Much better than the first idea: "Slag heap of the U.S."
OR: Where the Pacific has been been beating the crap out of us for a long time.
PA: We have a city that sits on an underground fire that's been raging since 1962. How awesome is that?!
RI: We recently took the entire population of the state on a field trip to the Bronx Zoo. We had popcorn, too.
SC: Don't let the name fool you, we're also a little to the West, too.
SD: Boring came here and died of boredom. That's gotta suck.
TN: If you look at it right, the state sorta looks like a Lego block.
TX: We have bigger things here. Bet you didn't know that cuz we're quiet about stuff like that.
UT: Great Salt Lake. Alright, fine, it should be Great Salt Unlake, but let's not be difficult.
VT: We're the symbiotic twin to New Hampshire. Groovy.
VA: Hey! Careful how you say "Norfolk", Yankee!
WA: It's a rain forest, People! Of COURSE it's going to rain here!
WI: It all boils down to whether or not you love the Packers.
WY: Oh, come ON! Rhode Island has two times more people than we do! That's just weird.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Just a few more....

  • The flame decals on your Kia don't fool anyone.
  • If your motorcycle has panniers, saddle bags, a tank bag, a sidecar and it tows one of those little trailers behind, then you might be missing the point, methinks.
  • Ever look back upon the fashions of twenty years ago and ask, "What the heck was I thinking?"
  • Taking a cell phone with you on vacation defeats the "getting away" aspect.
  • If you argue and debate about the strategies and tactics used by the characters of a zombie movie, then you probably need to lighten up a smidge.
  • Those pants never make her butt look big. Never. Neh. Ver. Nevernever.
  • Yes, you have the right to say, "Whatever" to your dad just as he has the right to Gerber slap you into tomorrow.
  • Just know that many things written online can be misconstrued due to the lack of body language and tonal inflections.
  • Unless the phrase is, "I hope you suck on rocks and choke, you leaking bag of lutefisk." It's hard to misinterpret that, you know?
  • I think, sometime in the near future, we'll be able to tell our grandkids about our childhoods when we'd sit around and recklessly eat peanuts by the handful.
  • The people that lived through WWII are often called "The Greatest Generation". Sorta sucks the wind out of our motivational sails, yeah?
  • The word, "Feckless" doesn't get used nearly enough.
  • To those people that continually get stellar check-ups from the dentist's office every six months: No one really likes you, OK? Freakin' Dentist's pet.
  • Diets are good. Portion control, counting calories, eating light, all that. But at some point a man must answer the call of the wild to go out and bag himself a big, greasy cheeseburger, fries and a shake.
  • Hey, I can respect those that are smart, witty, good looking, talented and wealthy just as they can respect that I'm... uh... oh, nevermind.
  • To avoid embarrassment, you should know that in formal debates, the phrase, "I hope you eat fanged death, you mutant!" isn't really allowed.
  • Though it should be.
  • You will rarely hear someone request extra cumin at a restaurant.
  • Yes, the people flying in first class are eating better food than you. But remember, they also will be the first to be squashed when the plane flies into the side of that mountain. There's some comfort in that.
  • When you hear the phrase, "Comfort Food", you should translate it in your head to mean, "This is what we cobbled together to eat when we were too poor to buy groceries."
  • Wednesday, September 29, 2010

    One Day's Random Thoughts

    OK, here's the deal. My job doesn't really required much brain power. So most of my day has my grey matter sitting in idle. What happens during this time is that I start getting random thoughts that sort of drift through the vast expanse of empty cranium. I decided to write them down as they occurred.
    1. If I have to stare at you for longer than 15 seconds in order to determine if you are male or female, I should have the right to levy a fine against you.
    2. If your first idle thoughts take you to the video game waiting for you at home, it might be high time for you to read a book or two.
    3. If you are on a first date and, for whatever reason, you decide to recite Hamlet's "To be or not to be" soliloquy entirely in Klingon, don't expect a second date.
    4. It follows, however, that if she knows all of Ophelia's lines in Klingon, you may marry her, but not reproduce.
    5. A man that can cook isn't all that surprising. A man that can cook without using copious amounts of cheese, is.
    6. Purchasing and using a deodorant named "Studmuffin" will NOT make it so. It changes your stench, not your DNA.
    7. The slowest, most annoying drivers on the road drive Volvos.
    8. Of those Volvo drivers, the most annoying are the owners of the Volvo Station Wagons.
    9. If your idea of cheese is the kind that does not require refrigeration and/or comes in a jar, get out of the gene pool. Now.
    10. You get extra points if you know that Tumeric is a spice and not the name of a Viking in the 10th century.
    11. There are those that can pull off the "chrome dome" look with class. All the rest, well, Dude, you look like a roll-on.
    12. The problem is that people see alcohol as "liquid courage" when, in point of fact, it should be called, "Instant Stupid Elixir".
    13. There are some yoga positions that should be renamed, "I now know waaaay too much about you".
    14. One of the annoying things about growing older is having a physician that looks like she's twelve years old.
    15. Unless you are a competitive, Olympic class swimmer, burn the Speedo.
    16. Apparently, the list of plausible excuses for being late for work does NOT include, "I just wanted to sleep in".
    17. Be warned: Constantly asking for temporary "Me Time" will eventually result in permanent "Me Time".
    18. If you have your face tattooed, it may say to your friends, "I'm cool. I'm hip. I'm trendy." To everyone else, it says, "I don't wish to be gainfully employed."
    19. One should not endeavor to paint one's car after imbibing one's keg of beer.
    20. Men in eye patches should not be messed with.
    21. Especially if they have a hook instead of a hand.
    22. However, if the eye patched and hooked fellow also has a parrot on his shoulder, then you're at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride and you can mess with him all you want.
    23. Nothing alters your reality so harshly as hearing the songs that fueled the Summers of your youth now being played on the Muzak speakers at the dentist's office.
    24. A guy that knows 80% of the lines to Monty Python's Holy Grail isn't so bad. If that same guy knows 80% of the lines to "Terms of Endearment" then that's wrong. Very, very wrong.
    25. Ad agencies that once used the voice of James Earl Jones now use the voice of Morgan Freeman.
    26. Ad agencies that don't want to use Morgan Freeman can't go too far wrong with using the voice of Sam Elliot.
    27. Keeping abreast of all the current UFO sightings in your area does not an intellectual make.
    28. If you're about to eat an entree that contains the word, "Florentine", just know that you're about to have a whole lot of spinach foisted upon you.
    29. If 14 minutes is too long to make your dinner, it's probably a good time to reassess your scheduling paradigm.
    30. If your idea of dinner is a handful of microwaved fish sticks formed into the shape of little dinosaurs, then you lead a sad, lonely life.
    31. There is no shame at crying at movies. There is, however, ample shame if you cry more than your nine year old niece.
    32. It is not advisable to ridicule "carnies" just before climbing into that County Fair "Whirl-a-Puke" ride.
    33. If the dinner recipe includes the phrase, "Mix in the contents of the Cheesy Powder packet" then, wow. Just, wow.
    34. Any film that sports the Cannes Film Festival palm frond logo will not be about zombies and will not star Bruce Willis.
    35. It's a strange world when preadolescents know more about technology than their grandparents who helped create it.
    36. Respect your elders. They're the ones that created the Atom Bomb using only slide rules and guesswork. In other words, they're scary as heck.
    37. Spending the evening searching YouTube for all your favorite Disco songs of the 70's is not a good usage of your time.
    38. If you decide to paint your body in favorite football team's colors just before you watch the game, at home, alone, then there's a good chance the meds aren't working that well for you.
    39. They say that kids that wear their pants so low that the public can see most of their boxers are just making a statement. And that statement is, "I don't know how to dress."
    40. The coaching tips that you yell from your nose bleed section seats to the players all the way down on the field will NEVER be heeded. Trust me on this.
    41. It is believed that 99% of the people who sniff the wine cork have no idea WHY they're sniffing the wine cork, they just know they're supposed to do it.
    42. It's hard to give a complicated coffee order and maintain your dignity at the same time.
    43. You will buy and bring exactly 2.7 times more food than you need for the camping trip.
    44. But you will never bring enough socks or blankets.
    45. Unless you've dropped acid within the last 12 hours, don't expect to understand any Led Zeppelin song.
    46. The most underrated virtue of a good wife is to tolerate you when you're sick and whiny.
    47. Placing bets on the outcome of the Cola Wars is not a sign of good fiscal responsibility.
    48. It's almost impossible to hear the grammatical phrase, "dangling participle" and not get all Junior High-ish in your thoughts.
    49. Women want equal rights. Until they get cold. Then they just want your coat.
    50. Nature abhors a vacuum. And hairless cats. And probably Pabst beer.
    51. At some point, someone's going to have to tell Angelina Jolie that collecting children is a bad hobby.
    52. Does anyone see the irony in finding so many books written about creating a paperless society?
    53. The simple rule is that there is at least one vowel in each syllable of a word. Failure to grasp this basic fact is the reason why the Balkan States are so angry all the time.
    54. There is a fine line between having someone be a "Facebook Friend" and being stalked by an acquaintance.
    55. You cannot expect to be taken seriously if you speak of environmental concerns then drive off in an SUV the size of a county.
    56. It's great that you have such a high metabolism that allows you to eat whatever and how much you want without gaining weight. Bragging about this to your overweight friends will, however, get your skinny butt squashed like an insignificant bug.
    57. Calling your car by its make (e.g. the Lexus, the Mercedes, the Beemer, etc.) will not garner you any respect, but will, in fact, cause people to mock you mercilessly.

    Averages about one obscure thought every 9 minutes. Anyone else have this issue?

    Thursday, September 16, 2010

    New Bumper Stickers!!

    It's that time again!!

    NEW BUMPER STICKERS!! *imagine crowd cheering here*

    • Use hard plastic; makes for sturdier landfills
    • Ozone Layers fear me
    • I Support Litter Patrols
    • You can have my styrofoam when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers
    • I'm all for Global Warming: it'll save of heating costs, right?

    "Out There" stickers:
    • Honk if your horn is broken!
    • Fig Newton Liberation Front
    • The Indian in my Cupboard started a Casino
    • Clowns! Clowns in my Distributor Cap!
    • Honestly, though, Flying Monkeys aren't all that aerodynamic.

    • Genghis Khan for Emperor
    • I'm the President for the Local Anarchist Committee
    • I watched Lord of the Rings and I VOTE!
    • I'm an Independent Republicrat and I'm voting "Maybe" on Measure 6
    • Vote for Larry for Governor cuz I feel sorry for him.

    • If I roll three 6's, will my Yahtzee board burst into flames?
    • Is the Prius just a seriously atrophied muscle car?
    • If we sold North Dakota to Canada, would anyone notice?
    • At what point do we look at the National Debt and say, "Aw, Heck with it. Let's just buy Bolivia"?
    • Shouldn't Non Alcoholic Beer be better labeled "Non Potable Water"?

    Wednesday, September 15, 2010

    Headlines I'd Like to See

    I've been a news hound for years. I love reading news. Lately, though, it's been really depressing. So I've decided to make up some headlines that I'd like to see:
    • Man in Yellow Hat Smuggles in Monkey: Ebola Fears Abound
    • People With No Stars on Thars Hire ACLU to Represent Them in Case
    • Coyote Joins Class Action Suit Against ACME Products
    • Mario Found With Illegal Hallucinogenic Mushrooms: Claims "Job Related"
    • Cat in the Hat Arrested: Illegal Entry and Child Endangerment
    • Sonic Hedgehog Caught in Performance Enhancing Sting Operation. Mark McGuire Testifies: "He was in the bathroom stall next to mine. He was popping PED's like candy. He even had a Pez dispenser full of HGH."
    • Salmonella Found in Green Eggs. Sam I. Am Taken Into Custody
    • Red Riding Hood Arrested in Grandma Kidnapping Case. Red Blames Mythical "Wolf"
    • Just Before Humpty Dumpty "Suicide", Special Counsel Found Links to Clinton Whitewater Scandal.
    • Scrooge McDuck cited on 12 Counts of Racketeering and In Violation of 7 Anti-Trust Laws
    • Spot Mauls Jane
    • Little Train That Could Lied to Committee: Hill Not That Steep After All
    • Not That Miraculous: Incredible Journey Dog Used GPS
    • Sheriff Busts Shaggy in Huge Marijuana Raid. Freddy: "Not that surprised, really."
    • Local Farmer Uses Pesticides on Crops- Inadvertently Wipes Out Smurf Colony
    • Scrappy Doo Found Shot, "Execution Style", in New Orleans. Crowds Celebrate on Bourbon Street.
    • Marvin Martian Actually Long Time Resident of Luxembourg
    • Fourth Little Pig Found in Personal Concrete and Titanium Bunker in Idaho Panhandle. FBI Discover Huge Weapons Cache
    • Pepe le Pew Arrested on Stalking/Harassment Charges.
    • PETA Targets Elmer Fudd
    • GI Joe/COBRA Peace Talks Stall
    • Speed Racer In Custody For Excessive Speed: 165 mph in School Zone. Mach 5 Impounded
    • Dudly Do Right Resigns Commission, Dumps Nell, Trades Horse in on New Harley Then Goes in Search of Snidely Whiplash to "Kick His Mustachioed Butt"
    • Orkin Man Accidently Incapacitates Spiderman During Routine Pest Control Job
    • Batman Trades in Batmobile for New Batprius
    • Nemo's Nautilus Only Able to Go 10-15 Leagues Under the Sea: Disappointing Design Flaw
    • Caspar Not That Nice: Dumps Wendy the Witch for Daphne of Scooby Doo Fame
    • Truth Comes Out: Popeye HATES Spinach; Prefers Mandarin Oranges
    • Mickey Mouse's Squeaky Voice Result of Low Testosterone Levels: Minnie: "This explains a lot."
    • Superman: I LIKE Wearing Spandex All The Time
    • Captain Kangaroo Actually Wallaby
    • Mr. Rogers Wanted to Replace "Trolley" with MagLev Monorail
    • Pack of Velociraptors Blamed for Flintstone Disappearance in Bedrock Massacre
    • Cookie Monster Originally Slated to be Bloody Hunks of Raw Harp Seal Meat Monster
    • Sesame Street's "Count" Deported: Expired Visa
    • Judy Not Really George Jetson's Daughter!
    • Last Episode of "Lost" Originally Scripted to Include Cast of "Gilligan's Island" in Bizarre Crossover Plot-Twist
    • David the Gnome Paid Informant for Hobbits
    • Elmo Snaps: Tells Kids "Quit &^$# Tickling Me! It's %$@+ˆ©¥ Creepy!"
    • "Stone" in Sword and the Stone Dicovered to be Just a Large Buttermilk Biscuit. Arthur Abdicates Amid Riots
    • Cinderella's Shoe Shatters: Suffers Severe Lacerations to Left Foot
    • Wonder Woman Files Sexual Harassment Suit Against JLA: Says "That Aquaman is a predator!"
    • BP Oil Spill Threatens Sponge Bob's Home Reef
    • Ronald McDonald Frustrated Poet: No One Takes Me Seriously
    • Diabetes Cases Soar Among Oompa Loompas: Wonka Faces Medical Insurance Nightmare
    • Eccentric Hermit Woman Found Dead in Woodland Home: Hansel and Gretel Sought For Questioning
    • Nostradamus Admits: "I was plastered on cheap meade while writing most of those Quatrains. I didn't know what the heck I was doing."
    • Rust Slows Down Iron Man: Complete Suit Overhaul Needed
    • Bullwinkle Did Not Have Enough Credits to Graduate: Whatsamatta U. Revokes Diploma
    • Little Orphan Annie, Graduates form UC Berkeley, Disavows Daddy Warbucks as "Merchant of Death"
    • Lassie Gets UTI, Ruins Timmy's Bedspread
    • King Kong and Godzilla Team Up to Remake Classic "Road" Movies
    • Incredible Hulk's Purple Pants Finally Give Out: Hulk Arrested for Indecent Exposure. "It was just a matter of time, I guess," says Captain America
    • DNA Test Prove That X-Man "Wolverine" Is Actually Badger
    • Scarlet Letter Found to be a "Z": Hester Prynne was Zombie!
    • APB Sent Out for Dorothy Gale: Listed as Prime Suspect After Being Seen Fleeing Murder Scene in Western Oz.
    • New Finding on Zapruder Film Confirms Charlie Brown as Second Gunman on "Grassy Knoll" During JFK Assassination

    That's the kind of news I'd like to read.

    Sunday, July 4, 2010


    Fun things to do during those long sessions in Phillie:
    • Make John Adams go out for those midnight runs to get Cheese Steak Sandwiches.
    • Telling Thomas Jefferson he made a spelling error on the Declaration. Again. Rewrite!
    • Itching powder in George Washington's wig.
    • Making fun of Button Gwinett's name.
    • Calling Rhode Island, "Rhode Acre".

    Irritating things about the Continental Congress:
    • Listening to Ben Franklin rattle on and on about his newest invention.
    • Having to try Sam Adams' newest beer experiment.
    • Having that guy from New Jersey constantly calling for an amendment stating that Betsy Ross is the "Hottest Thing Since Spiced Mead".
    • Watching George Washington take out those freakish dentures.
    • Muggy Summer Nights and Great Coats. 'Nuf said.

    Items not added to the Declaration of Independence:
    • AND we're going to drive on the RIGHT side of the road. SO THERE.
    • We don't want you as our royal. We'd rather have sports stars and dysfunctional musicians as our role models.
    • We were going to speak for Canada, too, but they're a bunch of England fanboys.
    • And when we say, "Indian Savages" we really mean, "Native Americans with diverse and beautiful cultures."

    Commonly held mistruths about the Forefathers:
    • George and Martha Washington did not want to be in the political spotlight at all. They had a good jazz gig going in upstate New York when the Revolution broke out.
    • Thomas Jefferson hated the East coast. He frequently requested annexing Bermuda to the US and making the island the capitol.
    • Ben Franklin, ambassador to Europe, was so popular that he became the Prime Minister for France three times.
    • John Paul Jones, the Colonies' first Admiral of the Navy, originally came to the US to start a hot dog franchise in Connecticut.
    • James Madison wore elevator shoes, but they only went up to the third floor, so no one noticed.

    Unknown Battles of the Revolutionary War:
    • Battle of Wonky Biscuit
    • The Bad Oyster Confrontation
    • "Hit That Snooze Alarm One More Time And I'll Throttle You" Engagement.
    • Skirmish At That Newspaper Stand on 5th and Lawrence
    • Really Short Battle Between 3 and 3:15 Last Saturday

    First Court Cases Brought Before the Newly Formed Supreme Court:
    • Maryland v. New Jersey, the "Baltimore is cooler than Trenton" case
    • US v. Georgia, the "Are you serious? You're going to talk with that accent ALL THE TIME? We just thought it was a phase" case
    • Rhode Island v. US, the "Everybody Quit Picking On Me!" case, or "Whiny State" incident.
    • Massachusetts v. US, the "Isn't Anyone Going To Clean Up All This Tea?" case.
    • United States Coast Guard v. George Washington, et al., the "You Didn't Wear Lifejackets While Crossing The Delaware" case.

    Failed Patriotic Phrases:
    • "Hey! Don't Get Me Started! I Mean It! Hey! HEY!"
    • "We're Angry and We're Not Gonna Take It"
    • "Can't We All Just Get Along?"
    • "You Wouldn't Do This If This Was Canada!"

    First Five Bills To Pass Congress:
    • Congressional Pay raise.
    • Congressional Cost of Living Adjustments
    • Holiday pay rates for the House and Senate
    • Medical Benefit package for Congress
    • Pension Trust Fund for the Legislative Branch

    Friday, June 18, 2010

    Baby facts

    When a couple has their first child, nothing is too good for that infant. Nothing is too expensive and nothing is over the top. The second child tames this attitude in the parents slightly. By the time the third child comes along, things are completely different.


    1st child: Only organic, sterilized and hand prepared foods allowed. Cost is not an issue. Only the incredibly nutrient rich and dense foods will pass the baby's lips. A record of what foods Baby eats along with the amount of vitamins and proteins ingested will be kept for every meal.

    2nd child: Yeah, OK, Gerbers. Or, maybe we'll mash up some food with one of those baby food things. Forget the "log", that never made sense anyway.

    3rd child: Hey, kid, you want some of my pizza? You want the pizza, you gotta come over here to get it. Hey, no! get that out of your mouth! Where'd you get that? Oh, wait, that just a Twinkie. You can eat that.


    1st: Purest linens from Egypt that are hypo-allergenic and dye free. The talc is imported from the finest manufacturers in Italy. Only holistic aloes and creams from Costa Rica are used for the occasional diaper rash.

    2nd: Whatever's. On. Sale. Heck, I'll put a bumper sticker on my car that reads, "I Support My Local Landfill". Johnson & Johnson stuff. And that diaper cream stuff that smells like low tide. Gobs of it.

    3rd: Shop rags and duct tape. Old T-shirts. Or, if the kid's outside playing with the dogs, nothing at all. The dogs don't seem to mind.


    1st: Name brand clothes only. Expensive tennis shoes even though Baby won't walk for another 8 months. Free trade textiles. Hand combed felt from Peruvian free range llamas.

    2nd: Whatever survived from the first baby. Cheap flannels. Socks that the kid will take off anyway within twenty seconds. Buy clothes that are many sizes too big so that it will take months for the kid to outgrow it.

    3rd: Clothes? What, is this baby a fashion statement? Is it my fault the baby wasn't born all furry? If it's cold, wrap it in my old coat.


    1st: Organic and holistic medicines derived from the Amazonian forests. Most of the foods eaten by the baby will boost its immune system and maintain a healthy probiotic state.

    2nd: Tylenol. Or that store brand that looks like Tylenol. Or whatever.

    3rd: Shooters of Nyquil.


    1st: A car seat that will protect the baby like it was a Faberge egg. When out with the parental unit, a sling made from the fibers from hardwood trees of the Taiwanese rainforests. The baby carriage will be made from recycled materials, be very sturdy yet sporty and have five different airbag systems installed.

    2nd: Car seat will be bought at Wal*Mart and be the bare minimum necessary to be in compliance with state and local laws. When out and about, either the Wagon/Wheelbarrow or stuffed into a messenger bag.

    3rd: Wrapped in bubble wrap and duct taped to the back seat. Carried like a sack of potatoes or wheeled around in that Dollar Store cart we found.

    Early Education:

    1st: Tapes of different languages will be played around the baby throughout the day. Story books will be rich in diverse cultures and morals. Calculus can be taught to babies as early as 6 months. Constantly challenging and invigorating the young mind.

    2nd: Dr. Seuss and Golden Books like "The Pokey Puppy" and that tugboat one. Alphabet blocks will be provided for the baby so that it will have something to chew on.

    3rd: Hey, kid, look! The new Guns & Ammo magazine came in. Don't drool too much on it.


    1st: Our country's youngest diplomat. Nobel prize by 12. Tenured professor at an Ivy League university by 22.

    2nd: Graduate from high school. Perhaps some college.

    3rd: Survive my mad parenting skills.

    Sunday, June 13, 2010

    World's worst GPS ideas:

    Voices I'd put on the car's GPS:
    • Don Rickles
    • AHnold Schwarzenegger
    • Bobcat Goldthwait
    • Oprah
    • Sylvester Stallone

    Phrases I would definitely add if I were in charge:
    • "And to your left, the edge of the world where monsters reside."
    • "I just phoned the cops and told them that you're totally wasted."
    • "Don't you have to use the bathroom? Don't you? I mean, if you do, don't think about dripping faucets, waterfalls, sprinklers, rushing rivers...."
    • "We're all gonna die!!"
    • "You are SUCH an idiot."
    • "Did you check your oil? You didn't, did you. You forgot to check your oil. Your engine block is overheating. Hear that sound? I'm tellin' ya, that's metal on metal. You're gonna throw a rod. The motor is going to totally seize up. You shoulda checked your oil. Did you check your oil?" (over and over again).
    • You're getting sleepy... soooo sleeeeepy.... you want to sleeeeep... your eyelids are sooo heavy....

    Programs I would install:
    • I would make the volume slowly, incrementally get lower and lower so that you'd have to turn up the volume until it's maxed out. Then I would make the next announcement be at the normal volume, making it blow out your speakers.
    • I'd have the Pac-Man following you on the screen.
    • I would occasionally make you take detours due to Godzilla crushing the Interstate up ahead.
    • At different intervals, I'd change your map screen to Fairbanks, Alaska.
    • I'd make your ETA time section read only in Stardate time.
    • I'd make the only languages available Gaelic, Inuit, Klingon, Polynesian or Cyndi Lauper.
    • I would make it so that you had to answer tough mathematical word problems before you got any route data.
    • The only "Nearest Attractions" I would include would be directions to the nearest UFO sighting, crop circle or abduction victim.

    Models I would make:
    • The Existential Model- There is no real "Point B". You have already "arrived".
    • The Cynical Model- The only directions it gives is, "Whatever."
    • The Bi-Polar Model- Every other directive from the unit depicts a different emotion.
    • The "South of the Mason-Dixson Line" Model- It takes five or six minutes for the unit to just tell you the exit number.
    • The Dagobah System Model: Only in Yoda-speak. e.g. "turn here, you will."

    Specific features on the unit:
    • I'd make the screen only visible if you look at it from one, obscure angle.
    • Make it cylindrical or spherical so that it will just roll around on the dash.
    • Every button will be so recessed that you will need a ball point pen to access the menus.
    • The "touch screen" will be so sensitive that if you press too hard, the unit will reboot.
    • The antenna will need to be within 8 feet of the satellite in order to get a good signal.
    Different interactive styles:
    • The e-Pet style- You have to "feed, water and play with" your GPS occasionally via different buttons on the front of the unit or it will get sick and not work.
    • The Debater style- Every request you make will be open to debate and ridicule.
    • The Emo style- Occasionally, the GPS will just weep or sigh discontentedly.
    • The Diva style- Will constantly harangue you for just glancing at another GPS. Will monitor how many times and how long you stare at the screen of your unit. If it falls below acceptable limits, it will shut off. It will not restart for 24 hours.
    • The Drill Instructor style- Failure to follow the directions that the unit gives will result in extra "Intensive Training" at the nearest Rest Stop.

    Monday, June 7, 2010

    Idaho's Panhandle Rules of Etiquette

    Over the last few days, I've been reading about how paramilitary militias have been cropping up all over the place in America. Some of these groups have some semblance of order and military bearing in their internal structure, but one militia might not mesh all that well with the militia that set up camp down the road. What would happen if the "revolution" did break out? What if the US government collapsed as they these militias are want to predict? These Mom and Pop Militias would need to become a cohesive unit against their perceived enemy. It occurs to me that there needs to be in place a set of rules before WWIII starts. A universal tome of accepted rules of etiquette so that Militia A will not be offending Militia B and Militia B will not commit some tragic faux pas in the presence of Militia C. Below, I have set forth a short, yet not exhaustive list of parameters of polite company.

    • Ivory grips on your .45, after Labor Day, is not considered appropriate. During the colder Winter months, the black rubber Pachmayr grips are more in line with a proper handgun fashion sense.
    • If Militia X invites a neighboring Militia Y to a shootout with Federal Agents, it's customary for Militia Y to reciprocate the kindness within 2 months.
    • Only use black PVC pipe for your bombs after Labor Day.
    • If the Commander invites you to a War Council at his personal bunker, it's expected that you bring a gift for the hostess. The traditional present would be a box of ammo and the thoughtful foot soldier would know her preferred brand.
    • It is polite to let the more Senior members of the Militia to select their grenades first.
    • Regarding the embroidery on your leather jacket, it is a faux pas to dot your "I's" with little hearts.
    • It is important to remember that when dealing with the public, not everyone is a member of the Militia. The non-militia members of the town are most likely Commie Pinko groupies of the Socialist Mediacracy or rabid sycophants of the Government and should be handled accordingly.
    • Always remember: Desert camo for desert combat. Jungle camo for jungle combat. Digital "Chocolate Chip" camo for strutting around during rallies in town.
    • Selective use of the Confederate "Stars and Bars" ensign is allowed, but it should not be used in, or for the militia colors. Remember: they lost.
    • During recruitment rallies, only use bullhorns made in the US of A.
    • When in polite company, it is of good taste to refer anything as belonging to the Divine. For example: God's own country. God's own beer. God's own 9 mm mercury filled depleted uranium hollow point parabellums, etc.
    • It is always appropriate to speak as if you were from the Deep South, regardless where you grew up.
    • It is always "goose step," never "geese steps."
    • A good militia soldier will never allow his/her NRA membership to expire.
    • Regardless of the time of year, black leather gloves are always in style.
    • It is considered bad form to get the Constitutional amendments out of order when shouting at the media.
    • If you have a Facebook account, it is inappropriate to "like" pages such as, "Hello Kitty", "Edward Cullen" or "Emo Nation". It just sends the wrong message.
    • It is unseemly to take a girl to your armory on the first date. It smacks of arrogance.
    • While it is acceptable to bring your fully automatic, large caliber machine gun on a "hunting trip" with other members of your Militia, it is unacceptable to bring more, or heavier firepower than the more senior officers present.
    • The use of pastel colors in your Militia colors or unit patches is frowned upon. More traditional colors would be Black, White and Red.
    • It is in good form to pound the podium with your fist during a lengthy and pointless diatribe, but it is not in good form to say, "Owie" afterwards.
    • A scraggly, long and unkempt beard is a sign of culture and class, especially on women.
    • It is considered rude to talk of French cuisine or New York fashion in the presence of other members of the Militia.
    • A woman's forearm tattoos should not be scarier than the Senior Staff's forearm tattoos.
    • It is proper to use the combat/survival knife for and in a myriad of occasions such as eating utensil, Bar Mitzvahs, bookmark, pool parties, personal hygiene and weddings.
    • During a speech, any anecdote or reference should come from a heroic Serviceman of America's past. This does not include James T. Kirk, G.I. Joe or Beetle Bailey.
    • The "-ism" and "-ists" suffix may be suitably added to any noun to indicate disfavor towards a certain demographic. e.g. Bran Flakism or Brussels Sproutists.
    • It is polite to maintain a policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in regards to Militia members' strict vegetarian diets.
    • Appropriate names to utilize in your group's title would be: Order, Brotherhood, Squad, Army, Battalion or Militia. Inappropriate names would be: _____ Club, _____ Gathering, _____ Fest, _____ Anonymous, _______-apalooza, _______ Chorale.
    • Appropriate Mascots: Sharks, Vipers, Tigers, Falcons, Eagles, Dragons, Bulldogs. Inappropriate mascots: Unicorns, Penguins, Pan Galactic Multi Dimensional Beings, Persian Kitties, Moths or any early era Nintendo character.