Friday, June 18, 2010

Baby facts

When a couple has their first child, nothing is too good for that infant. Nothing is too expensive and nothing is over the top. The second child tames this attitude in the parents slightly. By the time the third child comes along, things are completely different.


1st child: Only organic, sterilized and hand prepared foods allowed. Cost is not an issue. Only the incredibly nutrient rich and dense foods will pass the baby's lips. A record of what foods Baby eats along with the amount of vitamins and proteins ingested will be kept for every meal.

2nd child: Yeah, OK, Gerbers. Or, maybe we'll mash up some food with one of those baby food things. Forget the "log", that never made sense anyway.

3rd child: Hey, kid, you want some of my pizza? You want the pizza, you gotta come over here to get it. Hey, no! get that out of your mouth! Where'd you get that? Oh, wait, that just a Twinkie. You can eat that.


1st: Purest linens from Egypt that are hypo-allergenic and dye free. The talc is imported from the finest manufacturers in Italy. Only holistic aloes and creams from Costa Rica are used for the occasional diaper rash.

2nd: Whatever's. On. Sale. Heck, I'll put a bumper sticker on my car that reads, "I Support My Local Landfill". Johnson & Johnson stuff. And that diaper cream stuff that smells like low tide. Gobs of it.

3rd: Shop rags and duct tape. Old T-shirts. Or, if the kid's outside playing with the dogs, nothing at all. The dogs don't seem to mind.


1st: Name brand clothes only. Expensive tennis shoes even though Baby won't walk for another 8 months. Free trade textiles. Hand combed felt from Peruvian free range llamas.

2nd: Whatever survived from the first baby. Cheap flannels. Socks that the kid will take off anyway within twenty seconds. Buy clothes that are many sizes too big so that it will take months for the kid to outgrow it.

3rd: Clothes? What, is this baby a fashion statement? Is it my fault the baby wasn't born all furry? If it's cold, wrap it in my old coat.


1st: Organic and holistic medicines derived from the Amazonian forests. Most of the foods eaten by the baby will boost its immune system and maintain a healthy probiotic state.

2nd: Tylenol. Or that store brand that looks like Tylenol. Or whatever.

3rd: Shooters of Nyquil.


1st: A car seat that will protect the baby like it was a Faberge egg. When out with the parental unit, a sling made from the fibers from hardwood trees of the Taiwanese rainforests. The baby carriage will be made from recycled materials, be very sturdy yet sporty and have five different airbag systems installed.

2nd: Car seat will be bought at Wal*Mart and be the bare minimum necessary to be in compliance with state and local laws. When out and about, either the Wagon/Wheelbarrow or stuffed into a messenger bag.

3rd: Wrapped in bubble wrap and duct taped to the back seat. Carried like a sack of potatoes or wheeled around in that Dollar Store cart we found.

Early Education:

1st: Tapes of different languages will be played around the baby throughout the day. Story books will be rich in diverse cultures and morals. Calculus can be taught to babies as early as 6 months. Constantly challenging and invigorating the young mind.

2nd: Dr. Seuss and Golden Books like "The Pokey Puppy" and that tugboat one. Alphabet blocks will be provided for the baby so that it will have something to chew on.

3rd: Hey, kid, look! The new Guns & Ammo magazine came in. Don't drool too much on it.


1st: Our country's youngest diplomat. Nobel prize by 12. Tenured professor at an Ivy League university by 22.

2nd: Graduate from high school. Perhaps some college.

3rd: Survive my mad parenting skills.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

World's worst GPS ideas:

Voices I'd put on the car's GPS:
  • Don Rickles
  • AHnold Schwarzenegger
  • Bobcat Goldthwait
  • Oprah
  • Sylvester Stallone

Phrases I would definitely add if I were in charge:
  • "And to your left, the edge of the world where monsters reside."
  • "I just phoned the cops and told them that you're totally wasted."
  • "Don't you have to use the bathroom? Don't you? I mean, if you do, don't think about dripping faucets, waterfalls, sprinklers, rushing rivers...."
  • "We're all gonna die!!"
  • "You are SUCH an idiot."
  • "Did you check your oil? You didn't, did you. You forgot to check your oil. Your engine block is overheating. Hear that sound? I'm tellin' ya, that's metal on metal. You're gonna throw a rod. The motor is going to totally seize up. You shoulda checked your oil. Did you check your oil?" (over and over again).
  • You're getting sleepy... soooo sleeeeepy.... you want to sleeeeep... your eyelids are sooo heavy....

Programs I would install:
  • I would make the volume slowly, incrementally get lower and lower so that you'd have to turn up the volume until it's maxed out. Then I would make the next announcement be at the normal volume, making it blow out your speakers.
  • I'd have the Pac-Man following you on the screen.
  • I would occasionally make you take detours due to Godzilla crushing the Interstate up ahead.
  • At different intervals, I'd change your map screen to Fairbanks, Alaska.
  • I'd make your ETA time section read only in Stardate time.
  • I'd make the only languages available Gaelic, Inuit, Klingon, Polynesian or Cyndi Lauper.
  • I would make it so that you had to answer tough mathematical word problems before you got any route data.
  • The only "Nearest Attractions" I would include would be directions to the nearest UFO sighting, crop circle or abduction victim.

Models I would make:
  • The Existential Model- There is no real "Point B". You have already "arrived".
  • The Cynical Model- The only directions it gives is, "Whatever."
  • The Bi-Polar Model- Every other directive from the unit depicts a different emotion.
  • The "South of the Mason-Dixson Line" Model- It takes five or six minutes for the unit to just tell you the exit number.
  • The Dagobah System Model: Only in Yoda-speak. e.g. "turn here, you will."

Specific features on the unit:
  • I'd make the screen only visible if you look at it from one, obscure angle.
  • Make it cylindrical or spherical so that it will just roll around on the dash.
  • Every button will be so recessed that you will need a ball point pen to access the menus.
  • The "touch screen" will be so sensitive that if you press too hard, the unit will reboot.
  • The antenna will need to be within 8 feet of the satellite in order to get a good signal.
Different interactive styles:
  • The e-Pet style- You have to "feed, water and play with" your GPS occasionally via different buttons on the front of the unit or it will get sick and not work.
  • The Debater style- Every request you make will be open to debate and ridicule.
  • The Emo style- Occasionally, the GPS will just weep or sigh discontentedly.
  • The Diva style- Will constantly harangue you for just glancing at another GPS. Will monitor how many times and how long you stare at the screen of your unit. If it falls below acceptable limits, it will shut off. It will not restart for 24 hours.
  • The Drill Instructor style- Failure to follow the directions that the unit gives will result in extra "Intensive Training" at the nearest Rest Stop.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Idaho's Panhandle Rules of Etiquette

Over the last few days, I've been reading about how paramilitary militias have been cropping up all over the place in America. Some of these groups have some semblance of order and military bearing in their internal structure, but one militia might not mesh all that well with the militia that set up camp down the road. What would happen if the "revolution" did break out? What if the US government collapsed as they these militias are want to predict? These Mom and Pop Militias would need to become a cohesive unit against their perceived enemy. It occurs to me that there needs to be in place a set of rules before WWIII starts. A universal tome of accepted rules of etiquette so that Militia A will not be offending Militia B and Militia B will not commit some tragic faux pas in the presence of Militia C. Below, I have set forth a short, yet not exhaustive list of parameters of polite company.

  • Ivory grips on your .45, after Labor Day, is not considered appropriate. During the colder Winter months, the black rubber Pachmayr grips are more in line with a proper handgun fashion sense.
  • If Militia X invites a neighboring Militia Y to a shootout with Federal Agents, it's customary for Militia Y to reciprocate the kindness within 2 months.
  • Only use black PVC pipe for your bombs after Labor Day.
  • If the Commander invites you to a War Council at his personal bunker, it's expected that you bring a gift for the hostess. The traditional present would be a box of ammo and the thoughtful foot soldier would know her preferred brand.
  • It is polite to let the more Senior members of the Militia to select their grenades first.
  • Regarding the embroidery on your leather jacket, it is a faux pas to dot your "I's" with little hearts.
  • It is important to remember that when dealing with the public, not everyone is a member of the Militia. The non-militia members of the town are most likely Commie Pinko groupies of the Socialist Mediacracy or rabid sycophants of the Government and should be handled accordingly.
  • Always remember: Desert camo for desert combat. Jungle camo for jungle combat. Digital "Chocolate Chip" camo for strutting around during rallies in town.
  • Selective use of the Confederate "Stars and Bars" ensign is allowed, but it should not be used in, or for the militia colors. Remember: they lost.
  • During recruitment rallies, only use bullhorns made in the US of A.
  • When in polite company, it is of good taste to refer anything as belonging to the Divine. For example: God's own country. God's own beer. God's own 9 mm mercury filled depleted uranium hollow point parabellums, etc.
  • It is always appropriate to speak as if you were from the Deep South, regardless where you grew up.
  • It is always "goose step," never "geese steps."
  • A good militia soldier will never allow his/her NRA membership to expire.
  • Regardless of the time of year, black leather gloves are always in style.
  • It is considered bad form to get the Constitutional amendments out of order when shouting at the media.
  • If you have a Facebook account, it is inappropriate to "like" pages such as, "Hello Kitty", "Edward Cullen" or "Emo Nation". It just sends the wrong message.
  • It is unseemly to take a girl to your armory on the first date. It smacks of arrogance.
  • While it is acceptable to bring your fully automatic, large caliber machine gun on a "hunting trip" with other members of your Militia, it is unacceptable to bring more, or heavier firepower than the more senior officers present.
  • The use of pastel colors in your Militia colors or unit patches is frowned upon. More traditional colors would be Black, White and Red.
  • It is in good form to pound the podium with your fist during a lengthy and pointless diatribe, but it is not in good form to say, "Owie" afterwards.
  • A scraggly, long and unkempt beard is a sign of culture and class, especially on women.
  • It is considered rude to talk of French cuisine or New York fashion in the presence of other members of the Militia.
  • A woman's forearm tattoos should not be scarier than the Senior Staff's forearm tattoos.
  • It is proper to use the combat/survival knife for and in a myriad of occasions such as eating utensil, Bar Mitzvahs, bookmark, pool parties, personal hygiene and weddings.
  • During a speech, any anecdote or reference should come from a heroic Serviceman of America's past. This does not include James T. Kirk, G.I. Joe or Beetle Bailey.
  • The "-ism" and "-ists" suffix may be suitably added to any noun to indicate disfavor towards a certain demographic. e.g. Bran Flakism or Brussels Sproutists.
  • It is polite to maintain a policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in regards to Militia members' strict vegetarian diets.
  • Appropriate names to utilize in your group's title would be: Order, Brotherhood, Squad, Army, Battalion or Militia. Inappropriate names would be: _____ Club, _____ Gathering, _____ Fest, _____ Anonymous, _______-apalooza, _______ Chorale.
  • Appropriate Mascots: Sharks, Vipers, Tigers, Falcons, Eagles, Dragons, Bulldogs. Inappropriate mascots: Unicorns, Penguins, Pan Galactic Multi Dimensional Beings, Persian Kitties, Moths or any early era Nintendo character.