The goal here is to have all 366 days done before I die.
410: The Sacking of Rome by the Visigoths ends. Wal-Mart on Palatine Hill is raided and denuded of all bread and milk.
1172: Henry the Young King and Margaret of France are crowned as junior king and queen of England. Along with their crowns, they received a pair of Junior King and Queen decoder rings and a key to the Royal tree house out back.
1776: The Battle of Long Island, in modern day Brooklyn, NY: The British forces defeat the American army under the command of George Washington. This is seen as Washington's biggest set back in his presidential campaign.
1813: Napoleon Bonaparte defeats a larger force of Austrian, Russians and Prussians. It takes these nations YEARS to get over losing to the French.
1859: Oil is discovered in Titusville, PA, leading to the world's first commercial oil well. Within a week, gas prices shoot up to 5¢/gallon. Congress begins investigations into price gouging.
1861: Union forces attack Cape Hatteras, NC. No real reason, it just seemed like a good idea at the time.
1896: Anglo-Zanzibar War: A war between the United Kingdom and the island nation of Zanzibar. It lasted only 38 minutes, shortest war in history. The Prime Minister in the UK admitted years later that the economy didn't really get that anticipated boost from the war effort.
1916: Romania declares war against Austria-Hungary 14 months before World War I ends. Just in the nick of time, too.
1922: The Turkish army takes the Aegean city of Afyonkarahisar from the Greeks. The Greeks, in a bold retaliatory move, drink ouzo until their noses bleed.
1927: Five Canadian women file a petition to the Supreme Court of Canada, asking, "Does the word 'Persons' in the British North America Act, 1867, include female persons?" To which the Supreme Court of Canada replied, "Yes". Later, each of the Supreme Court justices said that if they answered in the negative, they would've been spending the rest of their lives sleeping on the couch.
1928: The Kellogg-Briand Pact is signed by 61 nations. The Pact, in short, made war illegal. Eleven years later, WWII started. Nice.
1985: The Nigerian government is peacefully overthrown by Army Chief of Staff major General Ibrahim Babangida. Gen. Ibrahim calmly walked into the presidential offices and sat down behind the desk while the acting president took a potty break down the hall. Gen. Ibrahim's first act as ruler was to order the bathroom to be relocated closer to his office.
1991: The European Community recognizes the independence of the Baltic States, Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania. It took Europe a while to recognize the independence because the independence paperwork was wearing a wig and big sunglasses.
1993: Tokyo completes the Rainbow Bridge connecting Shibaura and the island of Odaiba. Immediately afterwards, reports of thousands of ghost dogs loitering about the North end of the bridge, all seemingly waiting for something or someone.
2003: Mars makes its closest approach to Earth in nearly 60,000 years. Not quite spitting distance, but the members of the Alpha Tau Omikron fraternity decide to "moon" the passing planet just for good measure.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
This Day in History 26AUG11
This day in history!!! (It's been a while since I've done this, so, hopefully, your tolerance is up):
55 BC: Julius Caesar invades England. The Romans move steadily into the interior of the island, but mayhem ensues as the forces near London. It appears that no one informed the Romans about driving on the left or how to negotiate the roundabouts.
1346: During the Hundred Year's War, the English longbow proves to be superior to the French crossbow. Apparently, the English longbow would've been a really good idea 1400 years previously when Julius came around town.
1429: Joan of Arc makes her triumphant entry into Paris. She was only 17 at the time and she only had about two years to go before she was burned at the stake. Had she known that beforehand, she might've spent some time down in Marseilles during Spring Break.
1498: Michaelangelo is commissioned to carve the Pieta which became one of the most exquisite works of art known to man. Unfortunately, the first attempt by the Master was a total mistake as Michaelangelo misunderstood the contract. Even so, when Michaelangelo was done, it was the most beautiful marble carving of a pepperoni and sausage pizza ever.
1789: In France, the newly formed National Constituent Assembly of France approved the Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen. Up to then, only the Man had rights and the Citizen was completely left out of the process. This was a big step in equal rights for all Citizens everywhere!
1814: The Chilean War of Independence: The Battle of Las Tres Acequias. It originally started out as the Battle of Las Dos Acequias, but another Acequias showed up at the last moment without an invitation and the whole thing had to be renamed.
1883: Krakatoa blows up. No, really, it seriously blows up. Vaporizes. The island in the South China Sea just up and explodes. It's important to point out at this time that Zane had nothing to do with it.
1944: World War II: Charles DeGaulle enters Paris. He, however, doesn't look nearly as cute as Joan of Arc so the turnout isn't as good.
1966: The Nambian War of Independence starts with the battle at Omugulugwombashe. Although this is the official start of the war, people usually site the battle of Crimsha as the first battle because no one can spell Omugal.. Omuguluggawa... that other name.
1970: The feminist movement, led by Betty Friedan, leads a nationwide Women's Strike for Equality. You know, after they made the dinner and put the kids to bed first.
1977: The Charter of the French Language is adopted by the National Assembly of Quebec. No one's been able to understand a thing they've said since.
55 BC: Julius Caesar invades England. The Romans move steadily into the interior of the island, but mayhem ensues as the forces near London. It appears that no one informed the Romans about driving on the left or how to negotiate the roundabouts.
1346: During the Hundred Year's War, the English longbow proves to be superior to the French crossbow. Apparently, the English longbow would've been a really good idea 1400 years previously when Julius came around town.
1429: Joan of Arc makes her triumphant entry into Paris. She was only 17 at the time and she only had about two years to go before she was burned at the stake. Had she known that beforehand, she might've spent some time down in Marseilles during Spring Break.
1498: Michaelangelo is commissioned to carve the Pieta which became one of the most exquisite works of art known to man. Unfortunately, the first attempt by the Master was a total mistake as Michaelangelo misunderstood the contract. Even so, when Michaelangelo was done, it was the most beautiful marble carving of a pepperoni and sausage pizza ever.
1789: In France, the newly formed National Constituent Assembly of France approved the Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen. Up to then, only the Man had rights and the Citizen was completely left out of the process. This was a big step in equal rights for all Citizens everywhere!
1814: The Chilean War of Independence: The Battle of Las Tres Acequias. It originally started out as the Battle of Las Dos Acequias, but another Acequias showed up at the last moment without an invitation and the whole thing had to be renamed.
1883: Krakatoa blows up. No, really, it seriously blows up. Vaporizes. The island in the South China Sea just up and explodes. It's important to point out at this time that Zane had nothing to do with it.
1944: World War II: Charles DeGaulle enters Paris. He, however, doesn't look nearly as cute as Joan of Arc so the turnout isn't as good.
1966: The Nambian War of Independence starts with the battle at Omugulugwombashe. Although this is the official start of the war, people usually site the battle of Crimsha as the first battle because no one can spell Omugal.. Omuguluggawa... that other name.
1970: The feminist movement, led by Betty Friedan, leads a nationwide Women's Strike for Equality. You know, after they made the dinner and put the kids to bed first.
1977: The Charter of the French Language is adopted by the National Assembly of Quebec. No one's been able to understand a thing they've said since.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Things I'm Not Able To Do
I've recently made a discovery. Parents can, supposedly, order their kids with option packages. Ever see those super genius kids? Able to do calculus when they're 6? That kid's parents planned ahead and ordered the ÜberMath option package. Those kids that can play any instrument? The Musician package.
Apparently, Mom and Dad, when it came to ask for the additional bonus packages for their son, opted out for the base model.
Here are some of the things that they DIDN'T get:
Polaris Orientation Package: This is the package that allows a person to be able to identify True North at any time, anywhere. A person with the POP can be standing in some unknown area, be spun around a thousand times, buried head first into soft peat and have their brains replaced with Lime Jell-O and they can still point to North. I can find North. I can. It just takes me a while. And a compass.
Wrench Identification Module: If the parents pick this option, the kid will be able to look at ANY nut or bolt and say, "Oh, that's an 11/32." Another person could hold up any wrench at random, hold it up about 15 feet from the individual with WIM and the gifted one will be able to tell if it's a 11mm or a 1/2 inch wrench. Me? If I'm working on something, I have to bring every wrench I own to the project cuz I couldn't pick out the correct wrench if it was standing in a police line-up with the Three Musketeers.
Sighting Wildlife Option: This is a biggie. A person with SWO will be walking along some trail, look up and say, "Hey, look! An elk is on that hillside." "Where?" you ask. "Up there. On that hill." The hill to which they refer is over 50 miles away, covered in thick Old Growth and smothered in fog. Slightly frustrated, you say, "What? Where? THAT hill? In the other time zone?!" "Yeah," SWO says, "you can't see it? It's a four point." As a point of reference, my wife, Lisa, has SWO.
Building Giftedness: The one blessed with BG is the one that can build just about anything. I could walk up to a BG, like Jim, and say, "Whatcha working on?" To which Jim would reply, "Oh, nothing much, eh? I've just built this V8 engine for my truck with toothpicks, some old croutons, a shot of whisky and a pair of old boxers. Took almost two hours to do, but it's worth it." I'm not a builder. I have a hard time building a sandwich. I'm one of those guys that can't hammer to save my life. People that have BG can smash a nail into a 4x4 piece of solid teak lumber with one hit. I try to hammer and the area surrounding the nail will look pulverized while the nail is unscathed.
Car Identification Talent: Ever been around that person that can see a small piece of metal and then say, with total confidence, "That's from the bell housing of a 1958 Nash Rambler." Or they can see a Corvette and tell you what year it was built, where it was built and the name of the guy that built it. They can see a part of a car, like just the tail end, four blocks away and tell you what year, make and model of car it was just by the shape of the tail light. I can tell you it's a... car. It has wheels, mostly. Or, if I'm feeling really spunky, it's a truck. To prove that I'm not beyond hope, I've recently learned the term, "Dually".
Knife Sharpening Ability: This may not seem like much, I agree, but my dad had KSA. He could take a potato chip, any kind of potato chip, you choose, and pull out the sharpening brick thingy. Within two minutes, he would've put an edge on that chip that could slice Uranium. He could fillet fish just by showing the dead thing the knife. I firmly believe that any one of Dad's knives would've cut Obi Wan Kenobi's light saber in twain. I used to watch Dad sharpen a knife and it was like watching an artist. I cannot sharpen knives. Oh, I'm passable, given the right equipment, but not nearly at the Black Belt level of Dad. There was a point in my life where, if a kitchen knife got too dull to use, it was just time to get another.
Threatening Capability: OK, sure, this doesn't seem like a great thing, but it would be nice, just once, to be able to turn on a threatening glare and scare the Holy Cheddar out of someone. I don't have size 15 shoes to wear. I'm not blessed with bulging muscles. Heck, I don't even have a jutting chin to use for intimidation. I'm not talking about walking through this life looking like a barroom brawl about to happen; that's different. I'm just saying that I'd like to have the TC to switch on if the occasion call for it. Enough to make the offending party soil themselves, if need be. Nothing much. Nowadays, if I happen to feel the need to look threatening, people think I'm having a stroke or I've got gas.
Apparently, Mom and Dad, when it came to ask for the additional bonus packages for their son, opted out for the base model.
Here are some of the things that they DIDN'T get:
Polaris Orientation Package: This is the package that allows a person to be able to identify True North at any time, anywhere. A person with the POP can be standing in some unknown area, be spun around a thousand times, buried head first into soft peat and have their brains replaced with Lime Jell-O and they can still point to North. I can find North. I can. It just takes me a while. And a compass.
Wrench Identification Module: If the parents pick this option, the kid will be able to look at ANY nut or bolt and say, "Oh, that's an 11/32." Another person could hold up any wrench at random, hold it up about 15 feet from the individual with WIM and the gifted one will be able to tell if it's a 11mm or a 1/2 inch wrench. Me? If I'm working on something, I have to bring every wrench I own to the project cuz I couldn't pick out the correct wrench if it was standing in a police line-up with the Three Musketeers.
Sighting Wildlife Option: This is a biggie. A person with SWO will be walking along some trail, look up and say, "Hey, look! An elk is on that hillside." "Where?" you ask. "Up there. On that hill." The hill to which they refer is over 50 miles away, covered in thick Old Growth and smothered in fog. Slightly frustrated, you say, "What? Where? THAT hill? In the other time zone?!" "Yeah," SWO says, "you can't see it? It's a four point." As a point of reference, my wife, Lisa, has SWO.
Building Giftedness: The one blessed with BG is the one that can build just about anything. I could walk up to a BG, like Jim, and say, "Whatcha working on?" To which Jim would reply, "Oh, nothing much, eh? I've just built this V8 engine for my truck with toothpicks, some old croutons, a shot of whisky and a pair of old boxers. Took almost two hours to do, but it's worth it." I'm not a builder. I have a hard time building a sandwich. I'm one of those guys that can't hammer to save my life. People that have BG can smash a nail into a 4x4 piece of solid teak lumber with one hit. I try to hammer and the area surrounding the nail will look pulverized while the nail is unscathed.
Car Identification Talent: Ever been around that person that can see a small piece of metal and then say, with total confidence, "That's from the bell housing of a 1958 Nash Rambler." Or they can see a Corvette and tell you what year it was built, where it was built and the name of the guy that built it. They can see a part of a car, like just the tail end, four blocks away and tell you what year, make and model of car it was just by the shape of the tail light. I can tell you it's a... car. It has wheels, mostly. Or, if I'm feeling really spunky, it's a truck. To prove that I'm not beyond hope, I've recently learned the term, "Dually".
Knife Sharpening Ability: This may not seem like much, I agree, but my dad had KSA. He could take a potato chip, any kind of potato chip, you choose, and pull out the sharpening brick thingy. Within two minutes, he would've put an edge on that chip that could slice Uranium. He could fillet fish just by showing the dead thing the knife. I firmly believe that any one of Dad's knives would've cut Obi Wan Kenobi's light saber in twain. I used to watch Dad sharpen a knife and it was like watching an artist. I cannot sharpen knives. Oh, I'm passable, given the right equipment, but not nearly at the Black Belt level of Dad. There was a point in my life where, if a kitchen knife got too dull to use, it was just time to get another.
Threatening Capability: OK, sure, this doesn't seem like a great thing, but it would be nice, just once, to be able to turn on a threatening glare and scare the Holy Cheddar out of someone. I don't have size 15 shoes to wear. I'm not blessed with bulging muscles. Heck, I don't even have a jutting chin to use for intimidation. I'm not talking about walking through this life looking like a barroom brawl about to happen; that's different. I'm just saying that I'd like to have the TC to switch on if the occasion call for it. Enough to make the offending party soil themselves, if need be. Nothing much. Nowadays, if I happen to feel the need to look threatening, people think I'm having a stroke or I've got gas.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Things I'd Like To Do While On A Long Flight
Things I'd like to do on a long plane flight but I know I never will:
Halfway through the flight, pull down a big duffle like bag. Tell the person next to you that it's your parachute then ask them where their 'chute is.
Create a rumor that the old lady that's sleeping in 4F is the Air Marshal.
Knock on the cockpit door and yell, "Hey, what's keeping you so long? I gotta GO!".
Build a nine hole mini golf course throughout the cabin.
Keep staring out the window and tell people, in a William Shatner voice, "There's.... somethingonthewing!"
Try to climb into the overhead compartment and ask the stewardess for a pillow and a blanket.
Tell everyone you see that Bob Seeger is up in first class and he's going to film his next music video while in flight.
Start a Karaoke party, but only play instrumental music.
During the inflight movie, keep asking the stewardess for popcorn, Milk Duds and a large Coke.
When it's the most quiet in the cabin, quickly stand up and shout, "Oh, Geez! Who cut one?!"
While looking out the window, tell your rowmate that you would swear the plane passed that wave twenty minutes ago.... You're flying in circles! You're lost!
Calmly stand up, get to the middle of the aisle in the center of the plane and yell, "It's DANCIN' TIME!" and start groovin'.
Tell the lead stewardess that she shouldn't be scared, but Elvis is loitering in the bathroom. Again.
If you're in first class, take a peek back into the coach section then tell your other firsties that the peasant class and the rabble are rioting with pitchforks and torches! Hide the silver!
If you're in coach, take a peek up into the first class section and then tell the rest of the peasant class and rabble of the elitist scum and bourgeois pigs that are trampling the rights of us, the citizens of the world! Viva la Revolucion!
Half way through the flight, put on a WWI pilot's costume, complete with scarf and pilot's hat and start heading to the back, explaining to other passengers that you need to man the tail gun as you're now flying over enemy territory.
Tell the guy two rows back that it's his turn to go to the cockpit and fly for a spell.
Start walking to the back of the plane. Start to laugh and say, "I CANNOT believe how easy it was to take those handcuffs off!"
Halfway through the flight, pull down a big duffle like bag. Tell the person next to you that it's your parachute then ask them where their 'chute is.
Create a rumor that the old lady that's sleeping in 4F is the Air Marshal.
Knock on the cockpit door and yell, "Hey, what's keeping you so long? I gotta GO!".
Build a nine hole mini golf course throughout the cabin.
Keep staring out the window and tell people, in a William Shatner voice, "There's.... somethingonthewing!"
Try to climb into the overhead compartment and ask the stewardess for a pillow and a blanket.
Tell everyone you see that Bob Seeger is up in first class and he's going to film his next music video while in flight.
Start a Karaoke party, but only play instrumental music.
During the inflight movie, keep asking the stewardess for popcorn, Milk Duds and a large Coke.
When it's the most quiet in the cabin, quickly stand up and shout, "Oh, Geez! Who cut one?!"
While looking out the window, tell your rowmate that you would swear the plane passed that wave twenty minutes ago.... You're flying in circles! You're lost!
Calmly stand up, get to the middle of the aisle in the center of the plane and yell, "It's DANCIN' TIME!" and start groovin'.
Tell the lead stewardess that she shouldn't be scared, but Elvis is loitering in the bathroom. Again.
If you're in first class, take a peek back into the coach section then tell your other firsties that the peasant class and the rabble are rioting with pitchforks and torches! Hide the silver!
If you're in coach, take a peek up into the first class section and then tell the rest of the peasant class and rabble of the elitist scum and bourgeois pigs that are trampling the rights of us, the citizens of the world! Viva la Revolucion!
Half way through the flight, put on a WWI pilot's costume, complete with scarf and pilot's hat and start heading to the back, explaining to other passengers that you need to man the tail gun as you're now flying over enemy territory.
Tell the guy two rows back that it's his turn to go to the cockpit and fly for a spell.
Start walking to the back of the plane. Start to laugh and say, "I CANNOT believe how easy it was to take those handcuffs off!"
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Things For Volunteers To Do At The Railroad Museum
I have a friend who volunteers at a Railroad Museum in Southern California. She told me that the day was going slow, so I tried to thing of things for her to do to wile away the hours.
Things to do when things are quiet at the Railroad Museum:
Go to the Butcher shop and pick up a cow's femur. Stick the femur into the firebed of the steam locomotive. Watch for their reactions.
Take a dollar's worth of pennies and line them up on the track. After the train rolls them flat, tell someone that the flattened coins are their paycheck.
Tell people that "this locomotive" was more powerful than Superman, but no one wanted to embarrass the guy so no one said anything.
As for the "other locomotive", tell visitors that it was the one that "thought it could" go up that hillside, but was, in fact, a wuss locomotive and couldn't do it. It spent its remaining years being Thomas' sidekick in commercials.
Tell another volunteer that they need to check the air pressure in the wheels of the 4-4-2.
Argue with a visitor that "this" engine only takes unleaded coal. High octane, at that.
Tell some young punk that it's not a cow catcher, but part of the after market aerodynamic package for that model.
Caution a visitor that No. 1408 is powered by a nuclear reactor and that, even though the reactor's shielding is in need of serious overhaul, there should be no problems with overexposure. As long as they only stay around it for less than 15-20 seconds. And wear the suits. And go through vigorous decontamination scrub downs afterwards. Enjoy!
Put up a sign that says, "Please Do Not Feed The Locomotives".
Make up stories about the various hobos that lived in the boxcars.
Tell everyone that things are haunted. Everything is haunted. Doesn't matter. That locomotive is haunted. So is that coal car. And the men's bathroom. As well as that brochure. It's all haunted.
Choose one locomotive and make it "The One" that did it all. It's the one that took Lincoln to his burial in Illinois. It took Lenin into Russia. It carried the parts for the first atomic bombs. It holds the secret to the Coke Formula. Lee Harvey Oswald used it for target practice. It plowed the Ho Chi Minh trail. It accompanied Christopher Columbus to the New World.
Tell people not to touch a certain caboose as it's "in season" and can be temperamental. Put a bunch of caution cones around it for safety.
Tell people that you'll be glad to help them if they first go and lift that locomotive over their heads.
Answer the phone and act like it's some high grand mucky muck on the other end. When you hang up, tell the director of the museum that Leland Stanford wants his engine back for a coastal trip with Randolf Hearst. Right away.
Make up stories for each of the locomotives. How each of them are an endangered species and you're trying to breed them and release them back into the wild.
Get a dog leash. Attach it to one of the locomotives and then secure it to a peg in the ground. Tell people that this locomotive tries to run away often.
Things to do when things are quiet at the Railroad Museum:
Go to the Butcher shop and pick up a cow's femur. Stick the femur into the firebed of the steam locomotive. Watch for their reactions.
Take a dollar's worth of pennies and line them up on the track. After the train rolls them flat, tell someone that the flattened coins are their paycheck.
Tell people that "this locomotive" was more powerful than Superman, but no one wanted to embarrass the guy so no one said anything.
As for the "other locomotive", tell visitors that it was the one that "thought it could" go up that hillside, but was, in fact, a wuss locomotive and couldn't do it. It spent its remaining years being Thomas' sidekick in commercials.
Tell another volunteer that they need to check the air pressure in the wheels of the 4-4-2.
Argue with a visitor that "this" engine only takes unleaded coal. High octane, at that.
Tell some young punk that it's not a cow catcher, but part of the after market aerodynamic package for that model.
Caution a visitor that No. 1408 is powered by a nuclear reactor and that, even though the reactor's shielding is in need of serious overhaul, there should be no problems with overexposure. As long as they only stay around it for less than 15-20 seconds. And wear the suits. And go through vigorous decontamination scrub downs afterwards. Enjoy!
Put up a sign that says, "Please Do Not Feed The Locomotives".
Make up stories about the various hobos that lived in the boxcars.
Tell everyone that things are haunted. Everything is haunted. Doesn't matter. That locomotive is haunted. So is that coal car. And the men's bathroom. As well as that brochure. It's all haunted.
Choose one locomotive and make it "The One" that did it all. It's the one that took Lincoln to his burial in Illinois. It took Lenin into Russia. It carried the parts for the first atomic bombs. It holds the secret to the Coke Formula. Lee Harvey Oswald used it for target practice. It plowed the Ho Chi Minh trail. It accompanied Christopher Columbus to the New World.
Tell people not to touch a certain caboose as it's "in season" and can be temperamental. Put a bunch of caution cones around it for safety.
Tell people that you'll be glad to help them if they first go and lift that locomotive over their heads.
Answer the phone and act like it's some high grand mucky muck on the other end. When you hang up, tell the director of the museum that Leland Stanford wants his engine back for a coastal trip with Randolf Hearst. Right away.
Make up stories for each of the locomotives. How each of them are an endangered species and you're trying to breed them and release them back into the wild.
Get a dog leash. Attach it to one of the locomotives and then secure it to a peg in the ground. Tell people that this locomotive tries to run away often.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Crusades You Never Knew About
HISTORY LESSON:
On paper, there are nine Crusades that took place between the 11th and 13th centuries. There were a number of official crusades that took place in between the numbered ones, like the Albigensian Crusade, the Children's Crusade and the Norwegian Crusade. The actual and technical number of crusades, depending on who you talk to, resides around 20.
There are a bunch of Crusades that happened even between the ones that are listed in history books.
Like, between the Third and Fourth Crusade, there was the Pi Crusade but it never came to anything as everyone just sort of wandered around in circles.
In 1215 there was the a crusade that followed hard on the heels of the Children's Crusade: The Young Bachelor's Crusade. Unfortunately, it only went as far as the beaches in Barcelona during Spring Break.
In 1057, before the very first Crusade, there was the Practice Crusade. A bunch of knights piled into an old Volkswagon horse buggy and went on a sight seeing trip to Constantinople and maybe as far Antioch. It's rumored that these knights were witnessed throwing some rocks at the fortress walls and yelling some unkind epithets.
During the Fall of 1286, when Crusades were falling out of vogue, another group of knights got together for one last jaunt called the "Hoorah Crusade". One early September morning, the knights left town and made it as far as MacTartan's Pub on the South Road. After 72 hours on a bender, the wives of the knights came and picked them up and took them home.
Late in the 12th century, a crusade picked up momentum in the North of France. This time the knights had a plan. This time they were focused. This time it would work. They would retake Jerusalem and set up that chain of Pastry Shops and Hair Salons like they always wanted. Sadly, by the time the group reached Tel Aviv, they were bickering and all sorts of pouty. In fact, it is noted in Gaston's diary that at one point Pierre "slapped Anton silly." Nothing ever came of their crusade.
Then there was the crusade that was headed up by legendary Sir Rock Chamberlain, the hero of the Battle of Wispy Breakfast Cereal. This was in 1108, the same year the Birmingham Rabid Ravens beat the Oslo Thin Toupees. Anyway, Sir Rock lead the ragged band of crusaders for the Holy Land. It was a little too late for the crusaders to realize that Sir Rock was directionally challenged. After three weeks of being stranded in Thule, Greenland, the unhappy band of crusaders took the first boat back home, leaving Sir Rock to figure out that "silly little compass thingy".
In 1243, Guiseppe Leuvo and his gang of thugs headed out on what was to be the biggest crusade of all. They got as far as the Temple Mount in Jerusalem and told the Sultan that he was not to "cross-a da family. Da family don't do too well wid da likes of YOU comin' onto OUR turf. Youse stay offa da island Sicily." Having said their piece and had passed on the message from their Don, Guiseppe took his entourage on home. Thus ending the Sicilian Crusade.
On paper, there are nine Crusades that took place between the 11th and 13th centuries. There were a number of official crusades that took place in between the numbered ones, like the Albigensian Crusade, the Children's Crusade and the Norwegian Crusade. The actual and technical number of crusades, depending on who you talk to, resides around 20.
There are a bunch of Crusades that happened even between the ones that are listed in history books.
Like, between the Third and Fourth Crusade, there was the Pi Crusade but it never came to anything as everyone just sort of wandered around in circles.
In 1215 there was the a crusade that followed hard on the heels of the Children's Crusade: The Young Bachelor's Crusade. Unfortunately, it only went as far as the beaches in Barcelona during Spring Break.
In 1057, before the very first Crusade, there was the Practice Crusade. A bunch of knights piled into an old Volkswagon horse buggy and went on a sight seeing trip to Constantinople and maybe as far Antioch. It's rumored that these knights were witnessed throwing some rocks at the fortress walls and yelling some unkind epithets.
During the Fall of 1286, when Crusades were falling out of vogue, another group of knights got together for one last jaunt called the "Hoorah Crusade". One early September morning, the knights left town and made it as far as MacTartan's Pub on the South Road. After 72 hours on a bender, the wives of the knights came and picked them up and took them home.
Late in the 12th century, a crusade picked up momentum in the North of France. This time the knights had a plan. This time they were focused. This time it would work. They would retake Jerusalem and set up that chain of Pastry Shops and Hair Salons like they always wanted. Sadly, by the time the group reached Tel Aviv, they were bickering and all sorts of pouty. In fact, it is noted in Gaston's diary that at one point Pierre "slapped Anton silly." Nothing ever came of their crusade.
Then there was the crusade that was headed up by legendary Sir Rock Chamberlain, the hero of the Battle of Wispy Breakfast Cereal. This was in 1108, the same year the Birmingham Rabid Ravens beat the Oslo Thin Toupees. Anyway, Sir Rock lead the ragged band of crusaders for the Holy Land. It was a little too late for the crusaders to realize that Sir Rock was directionally challenged. After three weeks of being stranded in Thule, Greenland, the unhappy band of crusaders took the first boat back home, leaving Sir Rock to figure out that "silly little compass thingy".
In 1243, Guiseppe Leuvo and his gang of thugs headed out on what was to be the biggest crusade of all. They got as far as the Temple Mount in Jerusalem and told the Sultan that he was not to "cross-a da family. Da family don't do too well wid da likes of YOU comin' onto OUR turf. Youse stay offa da island Sicily." Having said their piece and had passed on the message from their Don, Guiseppe took his entourage on home. Thus ending the Sicilian Crusade.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
BUMPER STICKERS I'd like to see....
BUMPER STICKERS!
Be yourself. No one else wants the job.
If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger. And probably scarred up and looking like twelve miles of bad road.
Best things in life are free. Then again, many of the worst things in life are free, like Ebola.
We all live downstream. Just know, however, I live more up streamier than you.
Unfortunately, minds are NOT like parachutes. Minds are made of organic matter whereas parachutes are mostly nylon. Sheesh.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons. You can mess with Leprechauns all you want, tho', cuz they're small and don't breathe fire.
I'm apathetic and I vote!
I'm proof that the government will give a driver's license to just about any gun wielding conspiracy theorist psychotic as long as they pass the proper tests. Imagine THAT.
Have you hugged a Box Jellyfish today? Don't.
Yardsticks RULE.
Why are you reading this bumper sticker? Wouldn't watching the road be a better use of your time?
I think it's time that you come to the conclusion that your lack of friends and your constant listening of AM talk radio is connected.
Vote for Kona/Hale in 2012! Just in time for the end of the world!
Ignorance isn't an excuse. It's an intellectual orientation.
If wishes were horses, then... then... wow. That would be really weird.
I think it's high time we, as a society, turned our attention to the ADHD crisis that has invaded our childrens.... Hey, nice car. Is that new?
Be yourself. No one else wants the job.
If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger. And probably scarred up and looking like twelve miles of bad road.
Best things in life are free. Then again, many of the worst things in life are free, like Ebola.
We all live downstream. Just know, however, I live more up streamier than you.
Unfortunately, minds are NOT like parachutes. Minds are made of organic matter whereas parachutes are mostly nylon. Sheesh.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons. You can mess with Leprechauns all you want, tho', cuz they're small and don't breathe fire.
I'm apathetic and I vote!
I'm proof that the government will give a driver's license to just about any gun wielding conspiracy theorist psychotic as long as they pass the proper tests. Imagine THAT.
Have you hugged a Box Jellyfish today? Don't.
Yardsticks RULE.
Why are you reading this bumper sticker? Wouldn't watching the road be a better use of your time?
I think it's time that you come to the conclusion that your lack of friends and your constant listening of AM talk radio is connected.
Vote for Kona/Hale in 2012! Just in time for the end of the world!
Ignorance isn't an excuse. It's an intellectual orientation.
If wishes were horses, then... then... wow. That would be really weird.
I think it's high time we, as a society, turned our attention to the ADHD crisis that has invaded our childrens.... Hey, nice car. Is that new?
Sunday, May 29, 2011
History Selections for May 29th
363 - Roman Emperor Julian defeats the Sassanid army in the Battle of Ctesiphon, under the walls of the Sassanid capital, but is unable to take the city. The Roman Senate censures the Emperor for not finishing the fight against a bunch of people with unpronounceable names.
1176- The Lombard League defeats Emperor Frederick I in four games out of seven.
1660 – English Restoration: Charles II is restored to the throne of Great Britain after Parliament promises not to go off half cocked again and start chopping off royal heads again.
1677 – Treaty of Middle Plantation establishes peace between the Virginia colonists and the local Natives. The Treaty of Higher Plantation never really took off and the Treaty of the Lower Plantation, well, no one really cared.
1790 – Rhode Island becomes the last of the original United States' colonies to ratify the Constitution and is admitted as the 13th U.S. state. The reason for the delay was no one in Congress wanted to admit that Rhode Island was really a state and not just another state park belonging Massachusetts.
1886 – Chemist John Pemberton places his first advertisement for Coca-Cola, the ad appearing in the Atlanta Journal. The following week, the DEA raids the laboratory of Pemberton and 3 metric tons of Coke are confiscated. Pemberton is sent to Larryton State Penitentiary for 15 years.
1903 – May coup d'etat: Alexander Obrenovich, King of Serbia, and Queen Draga, are assassinated in Belgrade by the Black Hand (Crna Ruka) organization. The Ecru Hand was put out because they felt that the Black Hand had stolen their idea and the MacTartan Clan Hand had lost some street cred for not taking their chance the previous week. All in all, the Black Hand, though successful, was not invited to the All Hands Christmas Ball for years.
1913 – Igor Stravinsky's ballet score The Rite of Spring receives its premiere performance in Paris, provoking a riot. Because there's nothing Parisians like better than a good riot over a ballet.
1919 - Albert Einstein's theory of general relativity is tested (later confirmed) by Arthur Eddington's observation of a total solar eclipse in Principe and by Andrew Crommelin in Sobral, Ceará, Brazil. Later, Einstein would be heard saying, "What does THAT have to do with anything?"
1919 – The Republic of Prekmurje founded. Yeah, go ahead. Try to find it.
1942 – Bing Crosby, the Ken Darby Singers and the John Scott Trotter Orchestra record Irving Berlin's "White Christmas", the best-selling Christmas single in history, for Decca Records in Los Angeles. Christmas, be it White or not, was never the same.
1953 – Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay become the first people to reach the summit of Mount Everest. After about fifteen minutes, Tenzing turned to Edmund and asked, "Wait, you forgot the inner tube? How are we getting down from here?"
1964 – The Arab League meets in East Jerusalem to discuss the ""Palestinian question", leading to the formation of the Palestinian Liberation Organization. Of course, no one really figured out the answer because no one could nail down the actual question.
1999 – Olusegun Obasanjo takes office as President of Nigeria, the first elected and civilian head of state in Nigeria after 16 years of military rule. Three days later, huge amounts of money were found in different accounts throughout Nigeria and they started offering it all to anonymous people throughout the world via email. Honest.
2001 – U.S. Supreme Court rules that disabled golfer Casey Martin can use a cart to ride in tournaments. In the same ruling, the Court denied Greg Lovenski the right to compete in the tournaments while on a pogo stick.
1176- The Lombard League defeats Emperor Frederick I in four games out of seven.
1660 – English Restoration: Charles II is restored to the throne of Great Britain after Parliament promises not to go off half cocked again and start chopping off royal heads again.
1677 – Treaty of Middle Plantation establishes peace between the Virginia colonists and the local Natives. The Treaty of Higher Plantation never really took off and the Treaty of the Lower Plantation, well, no one really cared.
1790 – Rhode Island becomes the last of the original United States' colonies to ratify the Constitution and is admitted as the 13th U.S. state. The reason for the delay was no one in Congress wanted to admit that Rhode Island was really a state and not just another state park belonging Massachusetts.
1886 – Chemist John Pemberton places his first advertisement for Coca-Cola, the ad appearing in the Atlanta Journal. The following week, the DEA raids the laboratory of Pemberton and 3 metric tons of Coke are confiscated. Pemberton is sent to Larryton State Penitentiary for 15 years.
1903 – May coup d'etat: Alexander Obrenovich, King of Serbia, and Queen Draga, are assassinated in Belgrade by the Black Hand (Crna Ruka) organization. The Ecru Hand was put out because they felt that the Black Hand had stolen their idea and the MacTartan Clan Hand had lost some street cred for not taking their chance the previous week. All in all, the Black Hand, though successful, was not invited to the All Hands Christmas Ball for years.
1913 – Igor Stravinsky's ballet score The Rite of Spring receives its premiere performance in Paris, provoking a riot. Because there's nothing Parisians like better than a good riot over a ballet.
1919 - Albert Einstein's theory of general relativity is tested (later confirmed) by Arthur Eddington's observation of a total solar eclipse in Principe and by Andrew Crommelin in Sobral, Ceará, Brazil. Later, Einstein would be heard saying, "What does THAT have to do with anything?"
1919 – The Republic of Prekmurje founded. Yeah, go ahead. Try to find it.
1942 – Bing Crosby, the Ken Darby Singers and the John Scott Trotter Orchestra record Irving Berlin's "White Christmas", the best-selling Christmas single in history, for Decca Records in Los Angeles. Christmas, be it White or not, was never the same.
1953 – Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay become the first people to reach the summit of Mount Everest. After about fifteen minutes, Tenzing turned to Edmund and asked, "Wait, you forgot the inner tube? How are we getting down from here?"
1964 – The Arab League meets in East Jerusalem to discuss the ""Palestinian question", leading to the formation of the Palestinian Liberation Organization. Of course, no one really figured out the answer because no one could nail down the actual question.
1999 – Olusegun Obasanjo takes office as President of Nigeria, the first elected and civilian head of state in Nigeria after 16 years of military rule. Three days later, huge amounts of money were found in different accounts throughout Nigeria and they started offering it all to anonymous people throughout the world via email. Honest.
2001 – U.S. Supreme Court rules that disabled golfer Casey Martin can use a cart to ride in tournaments. In the same ruling, the Court denied Greg Lovenski the right to compete in the tournaments while on a pogo stick.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
History Lessons for May 22.
And just to prove that my brain is completely in neutral, I give you HISTORY for May 22, as found on Puddlepaedia.com:
334 BC: Alexander the Great's army whups Darius III of Persia in the Battle of Granicus. Later, Alexander would say that this battle was not really fair because Darius III, half way through the fight, cried "Do Over!", but Alexander never payed heed.
1176: The Assassins (aka: Hashshashin) tried to kill Saladin. Historians believe the plot failed because of the Hashshashin were doped up on Ecstasy instead of Heroin due to a supply bottleneck in Detroit.
1377: Pope Gregory XI issued five papal bulls to denounce some Protestant reforms. He also issued three papal goats, a papal rooster and five papal llamas for good measure and to really make his feelings known.
1807: Most of the English town of Chudleigh is destroyed by fire. As a result, the boy's name, "Chudley" never regains its former popularity in English speaking countries.
1826: The HMS Beagle departs for its first historic voyage. There were supposed to be four or five HMS Beagles setting sail that day under the command of Adm. Tallihoe and they were slated to chase down the USS Fox.
1840: The transporting of British convicts to Australia is abolished. They were all diverted to Baltimore instead.
1843: Thousands of people and their cattle start to head West via wagon train from Independence, MO to what will be known as the Oregon Territory. Any person NOT directly descended from these pioneers will NEVER be considered NATIVE OREGONIANS. Just the way it is. Sorry.
1897: The Blackwall Tunnel under the River Thames is opened. Then someone said, "Hey, wouldn't it be a whole lot cheaper if we just, you know, built a BRIDGE?"
1906: The Wright Brothers are granted a US patent for their "Flying Machine". Their younger and more business savvy cousin, Larry Wright, had already copyrighted the term "airplane" the previous month.
1915: Lassen Peak, a volcano in N. California, blows up. Mt. St. Helens takes notes.
1939: Germany and Italy sign the "Pact of Steel". This was more binding than the previous treaties known as the Pacts of Aluminum, Hardened Cake Frosting and Balsa Wood.
1942: Mexico enters WWII on the side of the Allies. A huge sigh of relief as EVERYONE was worried which side they would go.
1960: An earthquake measuring 9.5 on the MMS strikes Chile. Most of the country slides off into the Pacific Ocean, but no one can tell.
1964: President LBJ announces his major goals for his Great Society program. Chief of which is "Party Hats for Everybody!"
1969: Apollo 10's Lunar Module flies only 8 miles above the Moon's surface. Pilot Eugene Cernan was heard to say, "Missed it by THAT much."
1980: Namco releases an arcade game called "Pac-Man". Couch potato suddenly became a lifestyle choice.
1992: Johnny Carson does his final stint as the host for "The Tonight Show". No one has really cared since.
1992: (Same year as the above event, but not nearly as important) Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia and Slovenia join the UN. It's OK, though, as no one can tell them apart or find them on a map anyway.
2003: Annika Sörenstam becomes the first woman to play in the PGA Tour. The Good Ol' Boys that comprise the board of the PGA thought they were hiring a new "Sweet Thang" to fill their glasses with Sweet Tea and Bourbon. Imagine their surprise.
334 BC: Alexander the Great's army whups Darius III of Persia in the Battle of Granicus. Later, Alexander would say that this battle was not really fair because Darius III, half way through the fight, cried "Do Over!", but Alexander never payed heed.
1176: The Assassins (aka: Hashshashin) tried to kill Saladin. Historians believe the plot failed because of the Hashshashin were doped up on Ecstasy instead of Heroin due to a supply bottleneck in Detroit.
1377: Pope Gregory XI issued five papal bulls to denounce some Protestant reforms. He also issued three papal goats, a papal rooster and five papal llamas for good measure and to really make his feelings known.
1807: Most of the English town of Chudleigh is destroyed by fire. As a result, the boy's name, "Chudley" never regains its former popularity in English speaking countries.
1826: The HMS Beagle departs for its first historic voyage. There were supposed to be four or five HMS Beagles setting sail that day under the command of Adm. Tallihoe and they were slated to chase down the USS Fox.
1840: The transporting of British convicts to Australia is abolished. They were all diverted to Baltimore instead.
1843: Thousands of people and their cattle start to head West via wagon train from Independence, MO to what will be known as the Oregon Territory. Any person NOT directly descended from these pioneers will NEVER be considered NATIVE OREGONIANS. Just the way it is. Sorry.
1897: The Blackwall Tunnel under the River Thames is opened. Then someone said, "Hey, wouldn't it be a whole lot cheaper if we just, you know, built a BRIDGE?"
1906: The Wright Brothers are granted a US patent for their "Flying Machine". Their younger and more business savvy cousin, Larry Wright, had already copyrighted the term "airplane" the previous month.
1915: Lassen Peak, a volcano in N. California, blows up. Mt. St. Helens takes notes.
1939: Germany and Italy sign the "Pact of Steel". This was more binding than the previous treaties known as the Pacts of Aluminum, Hardened Cake Frosting and Balsa Wood.
1942: Mexico enters WWII on the side of the Allies. A huge sigh of relief as EVERYONE was worried which side they would go.
1960: An earthquake measuring 9.5 on the MMS strikes Chile. Most of the country slides off into the Pacific Ocean, but no one can tell.
1964: President LBJ announces his major goals for his Great Society program. Chief of which is "Party Hats for Everybody!"
1969: Apollo 10's Lunar Module flies only 8 miles above the Moon's surface. Pilot Eugene Cernan was heard to say, "Missed it by THAT much."
1980: Namco releases an arcade game called "Pac-Man". Couch potato suddenly became a lifestyle choice.
1992: Johnny Carson does his final stint as the host for "The Tonight Show". No one has really cared since.
1992: (Same year as the above event, but not nearly as important) Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia and Slovenia join the UN. It's OK, though, as no one can tell them apart or find them on a map anyway.
2003: Annika Sörenstam becomes the first woman to play in the PGA Tour. The Good Ol' Boys that comprise the board of the PGA thought they were hiring a new "Sweet Thang" to fill their glasses with Sweet Tea and Bourbon. Imagine their surprise.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Star Trek Lists!!
Failed Star Trek movie productions:
The Bath of Khan
Red Shirted Ensigns' Revenge
Battle of Shatner's Corset
Memorial Day Picnic and the Romulan Ale Incident
Kingon's Green Collar Comedy Tour
Vulcan Bit Players:
Borek: Owner/Operator of the 7-Eleven on Broadway and Soquel Ave.
Dontgivvahek: Professor of Apathetic Studies at Starfleet Academy
Sornek (aka "Giggles"): Vulcan comedian.
Francinek: Jewish Vulcan Shadchan (matchmaker) for Pon Farr.
Larry: Early Vulcan traveller who's name was changed at Ellis Island in 1897.
Forbidden Items in the Food Replicator:
Pickled Beets
Shrimp Flavored Ramen
Velveeta Cheese
Brussel Sprouts
Gefilte Fish
Most Requested Items in the Food Replicator:
Ham Twice Baked Potatoes
Dan-o Sandwiches
Buster Bar Blizzards
Nachos
Chocolate Covered Bacon (thanks, Chris. )
Other Uses for Tribbles:
Dishwashing scrubbers
Review Mirror Decorations
Dusters
Cat Toys
Linked together, they create the much sought-after Tribble Trench Coat
Future Star Trek Crossover Movie Ideas:
Care Bear Adventures on Qo'noS (Klingon home planet)
Predator v. Kirk
Aliens: Amok on USS Enterprise
Beverly Hills 90210: Starfleet Academy Years
Seinfeld on the Bridge of the Enterprise
Other Gene Roddenberry Ideas:
Star Geckos: Lizards that roam around the galaxy looking for succulent banana leaves.
Star Flex: Muscle bound idiots lost in the Steroid Nebula
Deep Space 1408: Space Station that has all sorts of bad luck.
Star Trek: The Next, Next, Next Generation: Wherein Kirk's great-great-great granddaughter works as a janitor onboard the USS Wonky Biscuit.
Enterprise, the Ultimate Prequel: Set in the year 1937 and following the life of Greg "Goofy" Kirk and his experimental car body shop.
Scandals Aboard the Enterprise:
When it comes out that Scotty was actually Welsh.
Sulu's DUI in the Delta Sector. He blew a 1.2 while piloting a Grissom class research vessel.
When they found that when Spock was on watch on the bridge, he was secretly recording episodes of Sponge Bob for later viewing.
Dr. McCoy's moonlighting job as a Chippendale dancer in Boston.
Lt. Uhura caught cheating on the Casino moon of Anderal-6.
The Bath of Khan
Red Shirted Ensigns' Revenge
Battle of Shatner's Corset
Memorial Day Picnic and the Romulan Ale Incident
Kingon's Green Collar Comedy Tour
Vulcan Bit Players:
Borek: Owner/Operator of the 7-Eleven on Broadway and Soquel Ave.
Dontgivvahek: Professor of Apathetic Studies at Starfleet Academy
Sornek (aka "Giggles"): Vulcan comedian.
Francinek: Jewish Vulcan Shadchan (matchmaker) for Pon Farr.
Larry: Early Vulcan traveller who's name was changed at Ellis Island in 1897.
Forbidden Items in the Food Replicator:
Pickled Beets
Shrimp Flavored Ramen
Velveeta Cheese
Brussel Sprouts
Gefilte Fish
Most Requested Items in the Food Replicator:
Ham Twice Baked Potatoes
Dan-o Sandwiches
Buster Bar Blizzards
Nachos
Chocolate Covered Bacon (thanks, Chris. )
Other Uses for Tribbles:
Dishwashing scrubbers
Review Mirror Decorations
Dusters
Cat Toys
Linked together, they create the much sought-after Tribble Trench Coat
Future Star Trek Crossover Movie Ideas:
Care Bear Adventures on Qo'noS (Klingon home planet)
Predator v. Kirk
Aliens: Amok on USS Enterprise
Beverly Hills 90210: Starfleet Academy Years
Seinfeld on the Bridge of the Enterprise
Other Gene Roddenberry Ideas:
Star Geckos: Lizards that roam around the galaxy looking for succulent banana leaves.
Star Flex: Muscle bound idiots lost in the Steroid Nebula
Deep Space 1408: Space Station that has all sorts of bad luck.
Star Trek: The Next, Next, Next Generation: Wherein Kirk's great-great-great granddaughter works as a janitor onboard the USS Wonky Biscuit.
Enterprise, the Ultimate Prequel: Set in the year 1937 and following the life of Greg "Goofy" Kirk and his experimental car body shop.
Scandals Aboard the Enterprise:
When it comes out that Scotty was actually Welsh.
Sulu's DUI in the Delta Sector. He blew a 1.2 while piloting a Grissom class research vessel.
When they found that when Spock was on watch on the bridge, he was secretly recording episodes of Sponge Bob for later viewing.
Dr. McCoy's moonlighting job as a Chippendale dancer in Boston.
Lt. Uhura caught cheating on the Casino moon of Anderal-6.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Things to do or say during a business meeting.
1. Remember, whenever possible, use quotes from Winnie the Pooh to make your point. E.g. “As Winnie the Pooh would say, ‘Tut, tut, looks like rain.’”
2. You don’t know it, but that guy across from you, Mr. All Business, likes to watch Teletubbies. Alone. :shock:
3. It’s important to remember that in the corporate world, never let them see you sweat. Drooling, however, is OK.
4. Don’t forget to do that “stare at the ceiling to see how many people you can get to look, too” trick.
5. Ask the presenter if they can translate what they just said into your native tongue. Then choose some ancient dialect like Chaldean or Sanskrit.
6. Make today Opposite Day. If they get frustrated, tell them that Opposite Day was scheduled waaaay before the conference.
7. Whenever they ask you do do something, tell them that you have to have a consultation first. Then start talking into your purse or a binder, whatever, and then give an answer.
8. If the ask if anyone has questions, raise your hand (ala Horschak) and ask random questions. Is that a wig? Did your mom make that tie? etc.
9. Make up various and bizarre allergies as excuses why you can’t do something. Allergic to toner is one of my faves.
10. End every statement with “...or, as my dog would say, ‘Bark.’”
11. Ask everyone if they’re pregnant. Over and over again. Male or female. Twice in the same conversation.
12. Ask bizarre political questions at odd times: “So, you’re saying you would vote for Nixon to a third term? even if he’s dead?”
13. There is no shame in playing tabletop football during a meeting. There is, however, ample shame if you insist on being the Detroit Lions.
14. Why you tell them that something’s a bad idea, reference to the fall of Tyre in 336 BC and say that’s what THEY did.
15. If challenged, accuse the challenger of being an un-American fascist.
16. Act uber paranoid. Before speaking, cover up something like it has a listening bug. Talk like a spy: The Dogs run in June. Then wink knowingly.
17. Go totally OCD. Say you simply cannot continue until so and so straightens out their paper pile or combs their hair.
18. Go off on cheese tangents while speaking. Start talking about one thing, but end up talking about how beautiful provolone is.
19. Make is so every answer is highly classified and you can’t answer for fear of breaching national security.
20. Duck as you go through doorways. Explain to anyone that asks that you were a basketball star in a former life and you can’t seem to break the habit.
21. Get indignant and say, “Who used the black toner to copy these papers? I specifically asked for purple ink!”
22. Whenever possible, start each sentence with, “This reminds me of that Star Trek episode where....” then make up some weird plot line that has no context with the conversation.
23. Pick a random person in the meeting. Ignore them completely.
24. Repeatedly ask if it’s time for nachos yet.
25. Refer to yourself in the Royal Third Person. “We are not amused.” etc.
26. Make every attempt to tell people how much better things were in the Old Country.
27. Hold every piece of paper up to the light like you’re looking for hidden messages.
28. If someone disagrees with you, challenge them to a duel. “Swords at dawn.”
29. Take and record your pulse rate every three minutes.
30. Every so often, back away from the table and conduct a series of office chair yoga moves. Or Tai Chi.
31. Frequently ask if “this will be on the test.”
32. Keep telling the person waaay across the table to stop kicking you.
33. Every time a policy comes up, tell them that it was negated by the Treaty of Versailles.
34. “Wait, is this in English? Is nothing here done in American?”
35. Keep asking if it’s nap time yet or when the graham crackers and milk are coming.
36. “Sounds good, but what does the Dalai Lama have to say about this?”
37. Crumble up all your paperwork into tight little balls and say that it’s Office Stress Origami.
2. You don’t know it, but that guy across from you, Mr. All Business, likes to watch Teletubbies. Alone. :shock:
3. It’s important to remember that in the corporate world, never let them see you sweat. Drooling, however, is OK.
4. Don’t forget to do that “stare at the ceiling to see how many people you can get to look, too” trick.
5. Ask the presenter if they can translate what they just said into your native tongue. Then choose some ancient dialect like Chaldean or Sanskrit.
6. Make today Opposite Day. If they get frustrated, tell them that Opposite Day was scheduled waaaay before the conference.
7. Whenever they ask you do do something, tell them that you have to have a consultation first. Then start talking into your purse or a binder, whatever, and then give an answer.
8. If the ask if anyone has questions, raise your hand (ala Horschak) and ask random questions. Is that a wig? Did your mom make that tie? etc.
9. Make up various and bizarre allergies as excuses why you can’t do something. Allergic to toner is one of my faves.
10. End every statement with “...or, as my dog would say, ‘Bark.’”
11. Ask everyone if they’re pregnant. Over and over again. Male or female. Twice in the same conversation.
12. Ask bizarre political questions at odd times: “So, you’re saying you would vote for Nixon to a third term? even if he’s dead?”
13. There is no shame in playing tabletop football during a meeting. There is, however, ample shame if you insist on being the Detroit Lions.
14. Why you tell them that something’s a bad idea, reference to the fall of Tyre in 336 BC and say that’s what THEY did.
15. If challenged, accuse the challenger of being an un-American fascist.
16. Act uber paranoid. Before speaking, cover up something like it has a listening bug. Talk like a spy: The Dogs run in June. Then wink knowingly.
17. Go totally OCD. Say you simply cannot continue until so and so straightens out their paper pile or combs their hair.
18. Go off on cheese tangents while speaking. Start talking about one thing, but end up talking about how beautiful provolone is.
19. Make is so every answer is highly classified and you can’t answer for fear of breaching national security.
20. Duck as you go through doorways. Explain to anyone that asks that you were a basketball star in a former life and you can’t seem to break the habit.
21. Get indignant and say, “Who used the black toner to copy these papers? I specifically asked for purple ink!”
22. Whenever possible, start each sentence with, “This reminds me of that Star Trek episode where....” then make up some weird plot line that has no context with the conversation.
23. Pick a random person in the meeting. Ignore them completely.
24. Repeatedly ask if it’s time for nachos yet.
25. Refer to yourself in the Royal Third Person. “We are not amused.” etc.
26. Make every attempt to tell people how much better things were in the Old Country.
27. Hold every piece of paper up to the light like you’re looking for hidden messages.
28. If someone disagrees with you, challenge them to a duel. “Swords at dawn.”
29. Take and record your pulse rate every three minutes.
30. Every so often, back away from the table and conduct a series of office chair yoga moves. Or Tai Chi.
31. Frequently ask if “this will be on the test.”
32. Keep telling the person waaay across the table to stop kicking you.
33. Every time a policy comes up, tell them that it was negated by the Treaty of Versailles.
34. “Wait, is this in English? Is nothing here done in American?”
35. Keep asking if it’s nap time yet or when the graham crackers and milk are coming.
36. “Sounds good, but what does the Dalai Lama have to say about this?”
37. Crumble up all your paperwork into tight little balls and say that it’s Office Stress Origami.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Royal Wedding Madness!!
Well, it's here. There's no way to avoid it now. The Royal Wedding is upon us. Oh, there's going to be frenzy, no doubt about it. Pomp, check. Circumstance, check. Really big hats, check.
Although Americans fought and won a vicious and protracted war two centuries ago against the UK, we still have an obsession with all things royal. Case in point, Princess Diana is still a Rainmaker to the cover of People magazine. Right up there with "The World's 50 Sexiest Industrialists and Cabana Boys."
OK, maybe "obsession" is a strong word. There are those of us that are still suffering a hangover from the Charles/Diana regalia almost exactly 30 years ago. (Yeah, 30 years.) There are probably some of us that aren't all that excited about the upcoming nuptials like others would be. I've seen more people camped outside "Best Buy" waiting for the new iPad than were camped out waiting for a good spot for the Royal Entourage parade.
Those of you that are looking forward to all the ritual and glitter that comes with a royal wedding, good on you. (Any bets that Prince Harry will meet some gal and get married in a small chapel officiated by a British Elvis?)
There are many of you that are NOT looking forward to the wedding, either because your invite got lost in the post, or you hate weddings or you're not looking forward to the months and months and months of tabloid coverage with various headlines like "Prince William Discovered to Be Lizard Person!" "Kate Has Affair With Bat Boy" or "Aliens Confer Royal Gifts to Newlyweds", etc.
If you're one of those that loathe the brouhaha that will come from all this, here is a list of things that you can do that would be a better use of your time.
Although Americans fought and won a vicious and protracted war two centuries ago against the UK, we still have an obsession with all things royal. Case in point, Princess Diana is still a Rainmaker to the cover of People magazine. Right up there with "The World's 50 Sexiest Industrialists and Cabana Boys."
OK, maybe "obsession" is a strong word. There are those of us that are still suffering a hangover from the Charles/Diana regalia almost exactly 30 years ago. (Yeah, 30 years.) There are probably some of us that aren't all that excited about the upcoming nuptials like others would be. I've seen more people camped outside "Best Buy" waiting for the new iPad than were camped out waiting for a good spot for the Royal Entourage parade.
Those of you that are looking forward to all the ritual and glitter that comes with a royal wedding, good on you. (Any bets that Prince Harry will meet some gal and get married in a small chapel officiated by a British Elvis?)
There are many of you that are NOT looking forward to the wedding, either because your invite got lost in the post, or you hate weddings or you're not looking forward to the months and months and months of tabloid coverage with various headlines like "Prince William Discovered to Be Lizard Person!" "Kate Has Affair With Bat Boy" or "Aliens Confer Royal Gifts to Newlyweds", etc.
If you're one of those that loathe the brouhaha that will come from all this, here is a list of things that you can do that would be a better use of your time.
- Watch reruns of the Charles/Diana wedding and tell yourself, "Well, THAT turned out well."
- Write a new Declaration of Independence to Prince William on behalf of the United States. You know, just to reaffirm our intentions with the upcoming Monarch.
- Do damage to your brain with a spoon.
- Start an office pool to see what child they will have first: Boy, Girl or some mutated Human/Bat Boy thing.
- Watch your cable PPV channel to see if they will air the "QEII/Camilla Wedding Smackdown". Oh, yeah. It's gonna happen.
- Tell your gullible coworkers that the Royal Couple will be spending their Honeymoon in the _______ State Park. (use a State Park that is very close to you.)
- Send flowers to yourself at work with a big card that says, "Sorry we missed you at the wedding. Hope to see you soon. Will & Kate"
- Spend hours imagining how fun it would be if a couple thousand Harley riders joined in on the procession in full Sturgis leather riding gear.
- Try to bribe the Bishop of Canterbury to do the vows like the guy in "Princess Bride" "Wuv... twoo wuv, wiw fowwoah you fowevah"... (OK, YOU try to spell that out phonetically)
- Crash as many local weddings in your area as you can, wearing a shirt that says, "Too Bad Your Wedding Will Be Forever Overshadowed By That OTHER Couple."
- Take shots of the Royal Wedding from online and Photoshop yourself in as many of them as you can. Sitting next to the Queen, giving the Bishop "bunny ears", kissing the bride, etc.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
New Books You've Never Heard Of
Other books by A.A. Milne:
Sequels to Gone With the Wind:
Ernest Hemingway's other books:
Unpublished Charles Schultz books:
John Stienbeck's little known books:
Arthur Conan Doyle's other stories:
Dr. Suess' later works:
Dr. Stephen Hawking's works before "Brief History of Time":
- Pooh and the Tax Evasion Charge
- Eeyore and the Bout With Prozac
- The Freudian Interpretation of Pooh's Thousand Acre Wood
- Owl's False Diploma
- The Day Tigger Went Into Rehab
Sequels to Gone With the Wind:
- Gone Even Further On That Darned Wind
- Wishing Gen. Sherman Would Go On That Wind
- Dang Wind Is Playing Havoc With My Hair
- Rhett Butler Investigating the Wind
- Mealy Mouth Melanie Talks About the Wind
Ernest Hemingway's other books:
- Papa Hemingway's Children's book of Depravity and Despair
- Hunting Endangered African Animals for Fun and Profit
- Shotguns I've Met and Loved
- Why I'm a Closet Vegan
- For Once, Can't I Just Embrace My Feminine Side?!
Unpublished Charles Schultz books:
- Peanuts and the Big Bar Fight
- Pig-Pen and Bath Day
- Linus and His Involvement in the Iran-Contra Affair
- CIA Agent Snoopy and the Red Baron Water Boarding Scandal
- Charlie Brown's Steroid Use Case
John Stienbeck's little known books:
- Jaunty Little Limericks of Death and Dysfunctionality
- Pleasant Bedside Stories of The Great Depression
- The Day the Pony Died and Other Happy Tales
- Poverty Stricken Migrant Workers and Their Charming Mythos
- Fun Adventures of the Indigent Oyster Farmers of Cannery Row
Arthur Conan Doyle's other stories:
- Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Wonky Biscuit
- Sherlock Holmes and the Case of My Burnt Morning Toast
- Sherlock Holmes and the Incident With That Idiot at the Pharmacist's
- Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Watson's Inability to Spell Big Words
- Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Prof. Moriarty's Using of Nasty Language Around Mrs. Hudson
Dr. Suess' later works:
- Interplay Between the Fascist Stars on Thars and the Anti-Stars Anarchists
- Green Egg Conspiracy Theory
- Hop On Pop Abuse Incident
- Why the Grinch Was Misunderstood By Society
- Horton Was Actually Hearing Impaired
Dr. Stephen Hawking's works before "Brief History of Time":
- Unfolding Cosmology of That White Chunk in My Pork and Beans
- Pithy Haikus Regarding Black Holes
- Quantum Physics and Motorcycle Repair for Dummies
- I Know Where Heisenberg Is AND How Fast He's Going
- Favorite Knock Knock Jokes About Worm Holes
Monday, April 4, 2011
Random Observances
Some Random Observations of Life:
- Über-nerds don't move their arms when they walk.
- Never borrow crayons from people who meticulously use the crayon sharpener. They'll never be happy with the returned crayon.
- The word, "Fine" has waaaaay too many definitions for everyday conversation. It's best left for the professional talkers.
- The building of one's burrito is a very private thing and should never be allowed to be done by strangers.
- No matter how interesting it is, the movie, "Ghostbusters" wasn't based on fact.
- Mimicking Sean Connery does not readily translate to mean that you will be as much of a chick magnet as Sean Connery.
- Making serious, long lasting relationship decisions via text message should be avoided at all cost.
- A man with a small, nearly hairless dog in his shirt pocket should be not be allowed to mingle with society.
- The same goes for a man with a large, muscle bound dog on a stainless steel leash and collar.
- You have the freedom of speech. Apparently, you also have the freedom of stupid. Try not to combine the two.
- Pancakes have almost no nutritional value. They do, however, exude in Vitamin Happy.
- Most of the best comebacks in the world occur two hours after the conversation has ended.
- Using a spice or a seasoning simply because it sounds good is not the best use of your culinary time.
- I'm thinking that most of the caustic and troubling issues brewing in the world could be solved by making a happy, wagging dog the General Secretary of the UN.
- If Pirates had hired Ninjas, history would've been much more interesting.
- The truth must come out. Kids: You probably will never have to use geometry or write in cursive. There. I said it.
- The ancient Egyptians used to bury their pharaohs with food so that they will have something to eat in the afterlife. I'd like the four meat pizza, please, with pepper jack cheese.
- At some point, we have to ask if Snow White would've really taken that apple from the creepy old woman.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Books I'd Like to See
BOOK TITLES I'D LIKE TO SEE:
From Jean Auel:
J. K. Rowling:
Mark Twain:
Lewis Carrol:
Charles Dickens:
Albert Einstein:
Lilian Jackson Braun:
Dr. Suess:
From Jean Auel:
- Clan of the Nasty Little Buggers
- Hunter/Gatherer Accountants
- CSI: Neanderthal
- Land of the Bad Tacos
- Annoying Tree Hugging Earth Muffin Clan
J. K. Rowling:
- Harry Potter and the Botched Tuna Fish Casserole
- Harry Potter and the Unknown Foot Fungus
- Harry Potter and the Tax Audit
- Harry Potter and the Bum Assault Charge
- Harry Potter and the Northern Idaho Militia Scandal
Mark Twain:
- Tom Sawyer's Book of Quantum Mechanics Theories
- Huck Finn and Injun Joe Go To Washington as Lobbyists
- Steamboats and Their Insidious and Purposeful Destruction of the Mississippian Evironment
- A Thesis of the Interplay Between the Architects of the Southern Reconstruction and the Displaced Native American
- Wonky Biscuits of the Suez
Lewis Carrol:
- Alice in Detroit
- Alice Strung Out of Hallucinogenic "Looking Glass" Mushrooms
- Alice and the Mad Hatter's Successful Sit-In Against the Despotic Red Queen
- Wonderland's Annexation of Slovakia
- Cheshire Cat and the Root Canal
Charles Dickens:
- The Groundhog's Day Carol
- David Titaniumfield
- Nasty Little Sinus Infection That Disturbs My Soul
- Freaky Clowns That Lurk in My Basement AND NEVER STOP DOING THAT SMALL CAR TRICK!
- CLOWNS! CLOWNS IN MY GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES!
Albert Einstein:
- Hey, Look, The Bomb Wasn't Really My Idea, So Quit Calling.
- My Theory of Relativity is Very Relative, Relatively Speaking
- My Best Hair Style Ideas
- The Uranium and Plutonium Cookbook
- E=mc^2 Will NOT Help You Make the Perfect Omelette
Lilian Jackson Braun:
- The Cat Who Slung Hash At Shari's
- The Cat Who Beat the CRAP Outta the Barking, Annoying Dog Next Door
- The Cat Who Engineered Cold Fusion With Two Light Bulbs and a Pickle
- The Cat Who Didn't Really Do Much At All
- The Cat Who Worked Out The Unification Theory
Dr. Suess:
- I'm OK, but You're a Total Freak
- I'm Writing This Tripe So That You'll Buy the Book and I'll Become Rich
- This Book is Full of Made Up Words
- OK, Look, Green Eggs are Probably Not All That Good For You
- Blaxor, the Clear-Cutting, Amoral, Hedonistic, Carnivorous and Environmentally Damaging Redneck from Oregon
Sunday, March 20, 2011
News from Around the World
AND, since I'm tired about reading the news of doom and gloom, I thought I'd share with you the OTHER things that are happening throughout the world.
- Barrilita, SPAIN: Northern village in Spain celebrates 250 years of dirt farming. The residents of Barrilita have been growing the best dirt for over 7 generations. Their certified organic dirt has been all the rage in the US for the last 35 years. "The dirt from Barrilita tastes so much better than the dirt we used to get from Watsonville." said Toomi Sorts of Beverly Hills.
- Norvogorgos, NORWAY: Up here in the frozen plains of Norway, there is a whole new way of geothermal energy. Argärd Goofersen, the mayor of Norvogorgos, has unveiled the new geothermal plant to astounded scientists who were invited to the town this weekend. As Mayor Goofersen said, "When my great-grandfather was a small boy, he started digging a small hole in his backyard. His mother said to him, 'Guföv! Do you plan on digging to the center of the earth?' He said, 'Yes.'" Apparently, for the last 80 years, the men of the Goofersen family have been digging in that hole until, finally last month, Argärd's brother, Lufska, dug into a pocket of magma 60 miles below the surface. The heat from that magma will generate the turbines of the town and create the energy needed for that whole region. Lufska, the brother of the mayor and the discoverer of the magma pocket is expected to be fine after the numerous surgeries necessary to graft new skin on his smoldering body.
- Wacky Noodle Ranch, Arizona, US: In this small, backwater town in the unforgiving desert pan of the American Southwest, history has been made. Sheriff Clem Lacomb shot his 5,000th varmint off of the Interstate. Sheriff Lacomb has been shooting varmints off of the Interstate for years. When asked what kind of varmints he had been shooting, the humble Sheriff merely stated, "Aw, you know, varmints. Future roadkill critters. Sometimes one of the Nestor clan would wander by and I'd shoot one of them, too, but mostly just varmints." Most of the "varmints" would be given to the St. Larry Orphanage South of town, he said.
- Small-Badger-by-the-Sea, Wolfferdshire, ENGLAND: Excitement is at an all time high here in this little village in Southern UK. A retired teacher, Edith Browntoodles, will be awarded the illustrious "Royal Green Stocking of Glamsford" from Prince Samuel later today. Apparently, Miss Browntoodles, back in World War II, was instrumental in the Battle of Slapblinkers Bay. In the early morning hours of April 20th, 1944, a regiment of German commandos tried to infiltrate into this English countryside through Slapblinkers Bay. Miss Browntoodles, then only 19 years old, was able to take different pieces of driftwood and beat off the enemy back into the sea from whence they came. This bit of heroic action was reported but summarily forgotten until the Home Office unearthed them earlier this year. When asked what Miss Browntoodles was doing down at the beach so early that morning, she simply said, "A girl never tells."
- Xiagong, CHINA: Central China, rough, nearly uninhabited, mostly ignored. That is until archeologists in that region make startling discoveries like this. It's in Xiagong that part of the Great Wall makes its serpentine path throughout this vast nation. It's in Xiagong that part of the Great Wall has crumbled, exposing some of the inner construction and incredible engineering of that marvel. Archeologist Flavius Porcoutini and his team from Milan, Italy, noted that the Great Wall was built following the course of a previous construct, the Great Fence of China. Apparently, and research is still ongoing, before there was a Great Wall, there was a Great Fence. A nicely done and maintained picket fence that wound up and down, back and forth throughout the Chinese frontier, with little signs that said things like "No Trespassing" or "Keep Out" or "Beware of Dragon". There is a slight possibility, said Dr. Porcoutini, that even before the Great Fence, there was a Great Hedge with possibly even a Great Property Line Tape.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
A Short Middle Earth Encyclopaedia
We're having a LOTR movie marathon over here. Nice for a rainy Sunday afternoon. Because I've watched this a number of times, I'm able to watch it somewhat halfheartedly while also conducting some research. I've come up with a number of little known fact about "Middle Earth", the universe created by J. R. R. Tolkien.
Little known Wizards:
We all know about Saruman and Gandalf, and, perhaps to those true followers, Radagast. For years, I thought that these were it. I also thought that there were only three classifications of Wizards, e.g. Saruman the White, Gandalf the Grey and Radagast the Brown. However, I've discovered:
Rings:
Three rings were giving to the Elf Royalty. Nine went to the Kings of Men. Seven to the Dwarven Lords. There were also five rings given to English Springer Spaniels who, in short order, lost the rings under the couch.
Ages:
First Age spanned from Creation to the Fall of Morgoth. Second Age was from the Fall of Morgoth to the First Defeat of Sauron. The Third Age was between the First and Second, Final Fall of Sauron. Fourth Age has been deemed the Age of Men.
Dwarves in the Hobbit:
Fili, Kili, Oin, Gloin, Thorin Oakenshield, Dwalin, Balin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dori, Nori, and Ori. The two youngest are Fili and Kili.
Supporting this group were lesser known dwarves at that time. Doc was there as were Grumpy and Happy. The Lollipop Kids from Oz helped out some early on, but they creeped everyone out, so they were cut loose. Professor Flitwick could only travel with them for short periods of time due to teaching responsibilities at Hogwarts.
Dragons:
In the Hobbit, there is only one dragon mentioned, the Dreaded Smaug. There were also other, unmentioned dragons:
Ancillary Characters not in the movies:
Many aficionados of Middle Earth were sad when Tom Bombadil was not included in the LOTR Trilogy. I was also upset at this omission with the omission of:
Ents:
We all know Treebeard, the Ent who helped Merry and Pippin, but I was always at a loss as to the other names of the other Ents in the Entmoot:
Elven Clans:
Just like any other hierarchy systems, there are different clans of Elves in Middle Earth. Like the Elves of Lothlorien or the Wood Elves.
Hobbits:
We are familiar with the Baggins clan of the Shire, from which came Bilbo and Frodo. There are other septs, or off-shoots of the Baggins line, such as the Sackville-Baggins'. Here are other relations:
Little known Wizards:
We all know about Saruman and Gandalf, and, perhaps to those true followers, Radagast. For years, I thought that these were it. I also thought that there were only three classifications of Wizards, e.g. Saruman the White, Gandalf the Grey and Radagast the Brown. However, I've discovered:
- Flinkerbatt the Pastel Blue: He had the enviable job of being the Wizard over tropical beaches.
- Percival the Paisley: Wizard of the Landed Gentry
- Clem the Denim: Wizard of Trailer Parks and cheap, canned beer.
- Jaye the Wool Blend: Urban areas, also known as the Metro-sexual Wizard.
Rings:
Three rings were giving to the Elf Royalty. Nine went to the Kings of Men. Seven to the Dwarven Lords. There were also five rings given to English Springer Spaniels who, in short order, lost the rings under the couch.
Ages:
First Age spanned from Creation to the Fall of Morgoth. Second Age was from the Fall of Morgoth to the First Defeat of Sauron. The Third Age was between the First and Second, Final Fall of Sauron. Fourth Age has been deemed the Age of Men.
- The Fifth Age was after the Fall of the Roman Empire to the Beginning of the Age of Reason.
- The Sixth Age spanned the years between the Age of Reason through the Industrial Age.
- The Seventh Age was between 1973 and 1981, the Disco Age. Of this Age, none shall speak.
- We are Currently in the Eighth Age, or the Age of TR.
Dwarves in the Hobbit:
Fili, Kili, Oin, Gloin, Thorin Oakenshield, Dwalin, Balin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dori, Nori, and Ori. The two youngest are Fili and Kili.
Supporting this group were lesser known dwarves at that time. Doc was there as were Grumpy and Happy. The Lollipop Kids from Oz helped out some early on, but they creeped everyone out, so they were cut loose. Professor Flitwick could only travel with them for short periods of time due to teaching responsibilities at Hogwarts.
Dragons:
In the Hobbit, there is only one dragon mentioned, the Dreaded Smaug. There were also other, unmentioned dragons:
- Garlax: The dragon that ruled over Southern Detroit. Probably the most feared of all the dragons.
- Proggy: Sort of the Uncle Dragon that no one invites to the Dragon Reunions. Likes to hang out in Honky Tonk bars in the Bayou.
- Terri: Stealthy minx of a dragon.
Ancillary Characters not in the movies:
Many aficionados of Middle Earth were sad when Tom Bombadil was not included in the LOTR Trilogy. I was also upset at this omission with the omission of:
- Greg Bombadil: Cousin of Tom's, tended the various, and less popular plants like Poison Oak and Kudzu.
- Lance Pergoon: The tenth Nagul, held in reserve until needed. Supplemented his Dark Rider salary as an IRS agent.
- Nigel Blanderhurst: Press Secretary to Denethor, Steward of Gondor. A really annoying cuss but he did have this really eloquent "spin" on the fall of Osgiliath.
- Leroy McChurdle: One of Aragorn's fellow Rangers of the North. Along with his issued long sword, Leroy also carried a brace of the first ever mentioned Colt .45's, "The Peacemaker".
- Doogimir: One of the Riders of Rohan, but had a severe allergy to horses. He rode around on an old, classic Schwinn Stingray with a Banana Seat. Sometimes, during parades and official duties, Doogimir would put playing cards in the spokes.
- Lucy Uman: Wife of Saruman. Really, really hated the shaggy, long beard/hair look on her husband. Frequently nagged him to go to a reputable barber.
- Pierre du Rond: Younger brother of Elrond, Lord of Rivendell. At the young age of 428, Pierre took his trust fund and went North. There he lived his life and pretty much squandered his inheritance on wild parties and participating in Extreme Snow Sports.
- Rusty: Brother of Boromir and Faramir of Gondor. Listed in the annals of Gondorian history as "The Clumsiest Member of the Steward Line". It was Rusty's fault that the first, and second main tower of Minas Tirith fell down.
Ents:
We all know Treebeard, the Ent who helped Merry and Pippin, but I was always at a loss as to the other names of the other Ents in the Entmoot:
- Bendybranch (Birch): Nice enough guy, just not too bright. As the Ent saying goes, "All branch and no leaf".
- Furrbark (Redwood): Biggest of the lot, and one of the oldest of the Ents. Furrbark comes from the mid-California coast, likes granola, long walks on the beach and frequently breaks up Entmoots with calls for prolonged Group-Hugs and campfire songs.
- Hank (Palm Tree): Hank came to the Entmoot from the South Pacific Division, but was, after a long deliberation, kicked out of the Entmoot when it was discovered that Palms are not really trees after all, but a large bush. Last reports have Hank doing well in the region's Bushmoot.
- BarryBerry (Blackberry bush): Not a tree at all, not even confused as a tree, but BarryBerry showed up one day at an Entmoot and no one could ever get him to leave.
Elven Clans:
Just like any other hierarchy systems, there are different clans of Elves in Middle Earth. Like the Elves of Lothlorien or the Wood Elves.
- Elves of 9th Street: More of a gang than a proper Elven Clan, the Elves of 9th Street run the local extortion rackets of NYC.
- Terrebonne Parish Elves: Deep Louisiana Delta Elves. Mixed with the Cajun and Creole inhabitants of the Bayous. Pretty much kept to themselves and didn't get too involved with the dealings of Middle Earth. Made killer Jambalaya instead of Lembas, the Elven Traveling Bread.
- Cloth Elves: A very non-violent Elven Clan. Well known for their various haberdasheries and shoe shops.
- The VonElve Family: A very endearing family of Elves that traveled the Swiss and German Alps, singing cute folk songs.
Hobbits:
We are familiar with the Baggins clan of the Shire, from which came Bilbo and Frodo. There are other septs, or off-shoots of the Baggins line, such as the Sackville-Baggins'. Here are other relations:
- Hoy-Baggins: Unnaturally tall hobbits with inordinately large feet.
- Freitas-Baggins: Desert hobbits that were known to live in and among huge packs of dogs.
- Campbell-Baggins: Hobbits of the North that would occasionally, and without provocation, paint themselves blue and attack their neighbors.
- Gorove-Baggins: Hobbits that lived in the east and had an obsession with explosives. Legend states that the Gorove-Baggins' were the ones that created the initial eruption of Mt. Doom.
- Marshall-Decker-Baggins: Eccentric hobbits that were best known for their advocacy of dragons.
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