Sunday, June 13, 2010

World's worst GPS ideas:

Voices I'd put on the car's GPS:
  • Don Rickles
  • AHnold Schwarzenegger
  • Bobcat Goldthwait
  • Oprah
  • Sylvester Stallone

Phrases I would definitely add if I were in charge:
  • "And to your left, the edge of the world where monsters reside."
  • "I just phoned the cops and told them that you're totally wasted."
  • "Don't you have to use the bathroom? Don't you? I mean, if you do, don't think about dripping faucets, waterfalls, sprinklers, rushing rivers...."
  • "We're all gonna die!!"
  • "You are SUCH an idiot."
  • "Did you check your oil? You didn't, did you. You forgot to check your oil. Your engine block is overheating. Hear that sound? I'm tellin' ya, that's metal on metal. You're gonna throw a rod. The motor is going to totally seize up. You shoulda checked your oil. Did you check your oil?" (over and over again).
  • You're getting sleepy... soooo sleeeeepy.... you want to sleeeeep... your eyelids are sooo heavy....

Programs I would install:
  • I would make the volume slowly, incrementally get lower and lower so that you'd have to turn up the volume until it's maxed out. Then I would make the next announcement be at the normal volume, making it blow out your speakers.
  • I'd have the Pac-Man following you on the screen.
  • I would occasionally make you take detours due to Godzilla crushing the Interstate up ahead.
  • At different intervals, I'd change your map screen to Fairbanks, Alaska.
  • I'd make your ETA time section read only in Stardate time.
  • I'd make the only languages available Gaelic, Inuit, Klingon, Polynesian or Cyndi Lauper.
  • I would make it so that you had to answer tough mathematical word problems before you got any route data.
  • The only "Nearest Attractions" I would include would be directions to the nearest UFO sighting, crop circle or abduction victim.

Models I would make:
  • The Existential Model- There is no real "Point B". You have already "arrived".
  • The Cynical Model- The only directions it gives is, "Whatever."
  • The Bi-Polar Model- Every other directive from the unit depicts a different emotion.
  • The "South of the Mason-Dixson Line" Model- It takes five or six minutes for the unit to just tell you the exit number.
  • The Dagobah System Model: Only in Yoda-speak. e.g. "turn here, you will."

Specific features on the unit:
  • I'd make the screen only visible if you look at it from one, obscure angle.
  • Make it cylindrical or spherical so that it will just roll around on the dash.
  • Every button will be so recessed that you will need a ball point pen to access the menus.
  • The "touch screen" will be so sensitive that if you press too hard, the unit will reboot.
  • The antenna will need to be within 8 feet of the satellite in order to get a good signal.
Different interactive styles:
  • The e-Pet style- You have to "feed, water and play with" your GPS occasionally via different buttons on the front of the unit or it will get sick and not work.
  • The Debater style- Every request you make will be open to debate and ridicule.
  • The Emo style- Occasionally, the GPS will just weep or sigh discontentedly.
  • The Diva style- Will constantly harangue you for just glancing at another GPS. Will monitor how many times and how long you stare at the screen of your unit. If it falls below acceptable limits, it will shut off. It will not restart for 24 hours.
  • The Drill Instructor style- Failure to follow the directions that the unit gives will result in extra "Intensive Training" at the nearest Rest Stop.

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