Baby facts

When a couple has their first child, nothing is too good for that infant. Nothing is too expensive and nothing is over the top. The second child tames this attitude in the parents slightly. By the time the third child comes along, things are completely different.

Foods:

1st child: Only organic, sterilized and hand prepared foods allowed. Cost is not an issue. Only the incredibly nutrient rich and dense foods will pass the baby's lips. A record of what foods Baby eats along with the amount of vitamins and proteins ingested will be kept for every meal.

2nd child: Yeah, OK, Gerbers. Or, maybe we'll mash up some food with one of those baby food things. Forget the "log", that never made sense anyway.

3rd child: Hey, kid, you want some of my pizza? You want the pizza, you gotta come over here to get it. Hey, no! get that out of your mouth! Where'd you get that? Oh, wait, that just a Twinkie. You can eat that.

Diapers:

1st: Purest linens from Egypt that are hypo-allergenic and dye free. The talc is imported from the finest manufacturers in Italy. Only holistic aloes and creams from Costa Rica are used for the occasional diaper rash.

2nd: Whatever's. On. Sale. Heck, I'll put a bumper sticker on my car that reads, "I Support My Local Landfill". Johnson & Johnson stuff. And that diaper cream stuff that smells like low tide. Gobs of it.

3rd: Shop rags and duct tape. Old T-shirts. Or, if the kid's outside playing with the dogs, nothing at all. The dogs don't seem to mind.

Clothes:

1st: Name brand clothes only. Expensive tennis shoes even though Baby won't walk for another 8 months. Free trade textiles. Hand combed felt from Peruvian free range llamas.

2nd: Whatever survived from the first baby. Cheap flannels. Socks that the kid will take off anyway within twenty seconds. Buy clothes that are many sizes too big so that it will take months for the kid to outgrow it.

3rd: Clothes? What, is this baby a fashion statement? Is it my fault the baby wasn't born all furry? If it's cold, wrap it in my old coat.

Medications:

1st: Organic and holistic medicines derived from the Amazonian forests. Most of the foods eaten by the baby will boost its immune system and maintain a healthy probiotic state.

2nd: Tylenol. Or that store brand that looks like Tylenol. Or whatever.

3rd: Shooters of Nyquil.

Transportation:

1st: A car seat that will protect the baby like it was a Faberge egg. When out with the parental unit, a sling made from the fibers from hardwood trees of the Taiwanese rainforests. The baby carriage will be made from recycled materials, be very sturdy yet sporty and have five different airbag systems installed.

2nd: Car seat will be bought at Wal*Mart and be the bare minimum necessary to be in compliance with state and local laws. When out and about, either the Wagon/Wheelbarrow or stuffed into a messenger bag.

3rd: Wrapped in bubble wrap and duct taped to the back seat. Carried like a sack of potatoes or wheeled around in that Dollar Store cart we found.

Early Education:

1st: Tapes of different languages will be played around the baby throughout the day. Story books will be rich in diverse cultures and morals. Calculus can be taught to babies as early as 6 months. Constantly challenging and invigorating the young mind.

2nd: Dr. Seuss and Golden Books like "The Pokey Puppy" and that tugboat one. Alphabet blocks will be provided for the baby so that it will have something to chew on.

3rd: Hey, kid, look! The new Guns & Ammo magazine came in. Don't drool too much on it.

Expectations:

1st: Our country's youngest diplomat. Nobel prize by 12. Tenured professor at an Ivy League university by 22.

2nd: Graduate from high school. Perhaps some college.

3rd: Survive my mad parenting skills.