Monday, June 7, 2010

Idaho's Panhandle Rules of Etiquette

Over the last few days, I've been reading about how paramilitary militias have been cropping up all over the place in America. Some of these groups have some semblance of order and military bearing in their internal structure, but one militia might not mesh all that well with the militia that set up camp down the road. What would happen if the "revolution" did break out? What if the US government collapsed as they these militias are want to predict? These Mom and Pop Militias would need to become a cohesive unit against their perceived enemy. It occurs to me that there needs to be in place a set of rules before WWIII starts. A universal tome of accepted rules of etiquette so that Militia A will not be offending Militia B and Militia B will not commit some tragic faux pas in the presence of Militia C. Below, I have set forth a short, yet not exhaustive list of parameters of polite company.

  • Ivory grips on your .45, after Labor Day, is not considered appropriate. During the colder Winter months, the black rubber Pachmayr grips are more in line with a proper handgun fashion sense.
  • If Militia X invites a neighboring Militia Y to a shootout with Federal Agents, it's customary for Militia Y to reciprocate the kindness within 2 months.
  • Only use black PVC pipe for your bombs after Labor Day.
  • If the Commander invites you to a War Council at his personal bunker, it's expected that you bring a gift for the hostess. The traditional present would be a box of ammo and the thoughtful foot soldier would know her preferred brand.
  • It is polite to let the more Senior members of the Militia to select their grenades first.
  • Regarding the embroidery on your leather jacket, it is a faux pas to dot your "I's" with little hearts.
  • It is important to remember that when dealing with the public, not everyone is a member of the Militia. The non-militia members of the town are most likely Commie Pinko groupies of the Socialist Mediacracy or rabid sycophants of the Government and should be handled accordingly.
  • Always remember: Desert camo for desert combat. Jungle camo for jungle combat. Digital "Chocolate Chip" camo for strutting around during rallies in town.
  • Selective use of the Confederate "Stars and Bars" ensign is allowed, but it should not be used in, or for the militia colors. Remember: they lost.
  • During recruitment rallies, only use bullhorns made in the US of A.
  • When in polite company, it is of good taste to refer anything as belonging to the Divine. For example: God's own country. God's own beer. God's own 9 mm mercury filled depleted uranium hollow point parabellums, etc.
  • It is always appropriate to speak as if you were from the Deep South, regardless where you grew up.
  • It is always "goose step," never "geese steps."
  • A good militia soldier will never allow his/her NRA membership to expire.
  • Regardless of the time of year, black leather gloves are always in style.
  • It is considered bad form to get the Constitutional amendments out of order when shouting at the media.
  • If you have a Facebook account, it is inappropriate to "like" pages such as, "Hello Kitty", "Edward Cullen" or "Emo Nation". It just sends the wrong message.
  • It is unseemly to take a girl to your armory on the first date. It smacks of arrogance.
  • While it is acceptable to bring your fully automatic, large caliber machine gun on a "hunting trip" with other members of your Militia, it is unacceptable to bring more, or heavier firepower than the more senior officers present.
  • The use of pastel colors in your Militia colors or unit patches is frowned upon. More traditional colors would be Black, White and Red.
  • It is in good form to pound the podium with your fist during a lengthy and pointless diatribe, but it is not in good form to say, "Owie" afterwards.
  • A scraggly, long and unkempt beard is a sign of culture and class, especially on women.
  • It is considered rude to talk of French cuisine or New York fashion in the presence of other members of the Militia.
  • A woman's forearm tattoos should not be scarier than the Senior Staff's forearm tattoos.
  • It is proper to use the combat/survival knife for and in a myriad of occasions such as eating utensil, Bar Mitzvahs, bookmark, pool parties, personal hygiene and weddings.
  • During a speech, any anecdote or reference should come from a heroic Serviceman of America's past. This does not include James T. Kirk, G.I. Joe or Beetle Bailey.
  • The "-ism" and "-ists" suffix may be suitably added to any noun to indicate disfavor towards a certain demographic. e.g. Bran Flakism or Brussels Sproutists.
  • It is polite to maintain a policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in regards to Militia members' strict vegetarian diets.
  • Appropriate names to utilize in your group's title would be: Order, Brotherhood, Squad, Army, Battalion or Militia. Inappropriate names would be: _____ Club, _____ Gathering, _____ Fest, _____ Anonymous, _______-apalooza, _______ Chorale.
  • Appropriate Mascots: Sharks, Vipers, Tigers, Falcons, Eagles, Dragons, Bulldogs. Inappropriate mascots: Unicorns, Penguins, Pan Galactic Multi Dimensional Beings, Persian Kitties, Moths or any early era Nintendo character.

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