Sunday, July 4, 2010


Fun things to do during those long sessions in Phillie:
  • Make John Adams go out for those midnight runs to get Cheese Steak Sandwiches.
  • Telling Thomas Jefferson he made a spelling error on the Declaration. Again. Rewrite!
  • Itching powder in George Washington's wig.
  • Making fun of Button Gwinett's name.
  • Calling Rhode Island, "Rhode Acre".

Irritating things about the Continental Congress:
  • Listening to Ben Franklin rattle on and on about his newest invention.
  • Having to try Sam Adams' newest beer experiment.
  • Having that guy from New Jersey constantly calling for an amendment stating that Betsy Ross is the "Hottest Thing Since Spiced Mead".
  • Watching George Washington take out those freakish dentures.
  • Muggy Summer Nights and Great Coats. 'Nuf said.

Items not added to the Declaration of Independence:
  • AND we're going to drive on the RIGHT side of the road. SO THERE.
  • We don't want you as our royal. We'd rather have sports stars and dysfunctional musicians as our role models.
  • We were going to speak for Canada, too, but they're a bunch of England fanboys.
  • And when we say, "Indian Savages" we really mean, "Native Americans with diverse and beautiful cultures."

Commonly held mistruths about the Forefathers:
  • George and Martha Washington did not want to be in the political spotlight at all. They had a good jazz gig going in upstate New York when the Revolution broke out.
  • Thomas Jefferson hated the East coast. He frequently requested annexing Bermuda to the US and making the island the capitol.
  • Ben Franklin, ambassador to Europe, was so popular that he became the Prime Minister for France three times.
  • John Paul Jones, the Colonies' first Admiral of the Navy, originally came to the US to start a hot dog franchise in Connecticut.
  • James Madison wore elevator shoes, but they only went up to the third floor, so no one noticed.

Unknown Battles of the Revolutionary War:
  • Battle of Wonky Biscuit
  • The Bad Oyster Confrontation
  • "Hit That Snooze Alarm One More Time And I'll Throttle You" Engagement.
  • Skirmish At That Newspaper Stand on 5th and Lawrence
  • Really Short Battle Between 3 and 3:15 Last Saturday

First Court Cases Brought Before the Newly Formed Supreme Court:
  • Maryland v. New Jersey, the "Baltimore is cooler than Trenton" case
  • US v. Georgia, the "Are you serious? You're going to talk with that accent ALL THE TIME? We just thought it was a phase" case
  • Rhode Island v. US, the "Everybody Quit Picking On Me!" case, or "Whiny State" incident.
  • Massachusetts v. US, the "Isn't Anyone Going To Clean Up All This Tea?" case.
  • United States Coast Guard v. George Washington, et al., the "You Didn't Wear Lifejackets While Crossing The Delaware" case.

Failed Patriotic Phrases:
  • "Hey! Don't Get Me Started! I Mean It! Hey! HEY!"
  • "We're Angry and We're Not Gonna Take It"
  • "Can't We All Just Get Along?"
  • "You Wouldn't Do This If This Was Canada!"

First Five Bills To Pass Congress:
  • Congressional Pay raise.
  • Congressional Cost of Living Adjustments
  • Holiday pay rates for the House and Senate
  • Medical Benefit package for Congress
  • Pension Trust Fund for the Legislative Branch

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