Headlines I'd Like to See

I've been a news hound for years. I love reading news. Lately, though, it's been really depressing. So I've decided to make up some headlines that I'd like to see:

• Man in Yellow Hat Smuggles in Monkey: Ebola Fears Abound
• People With No Stars on Thars Hire ACLU to Represent Them in Case
• Coyote Joins Class Action Suit Against ACME Products
• Mario Found With Illegal Hallucinogenic Mushrooms: Claims "Job Related"
• Cat in the Hat Arrested: Illegal Entry and Child Endangerment
• Sonic Hedgehog Caught in Performance Enhancing Sting Operation. Mark McGuire Testifies: "He was in the bathroom stall next to mine. He was popping PED's like candy. He even had a Pez dispenser full of HGH."
• Salmonella Found in Green Eggs. Sam I. Am Taken Into Custody
• Red Riding Hood Arrested in Grandma Kidnapping Case. Red Blames Mythical "Wolf"
• Just Before Humpty Dumpty "Suicide", Special Counsel Found Links to Clinton Whitewater Scandal.
• Scrooge McDuck cited on 12 Counts of Racketeering and In Violation of 7 Anti-Trust Laws
• Spot Mauls Jane
• Little Train That Could Lied to Committee: Hill Not That Steep After All
• Not That Miraculous: Incredible Journey Dog Used GPS
• Sheriff Busts Shaggy in Huge Marijuana Raid. Freddy: "Not that surprised, really."
• Local Farmer Uses Pesticides on Crops- Inadvertently Wipes Out Smurf Colony
• Scrappy Doo Found Shot, "Execution Style", in New Orleans. Crowds Celebrate on Bourbon Street.
• Marvin Martian Actually Long Time Resident of Luxembourg
• Fourth Little Pig Found in Personal Concrete and Titanium Bunker in Idaho Panhandle. FBI Discover Huge Weapons Cache
• Pepe le Pew Arrested on Stalking/Harassment Charges.
• PETA Targets Elmer Fudd
• GI Joe/COBRA Peace Talks Stall
• Speed Racer In Custody For Excessive Speed: 165 mph in School Zone. Mach 5 Impounded
• Dudly Do Right Resigns Commission, Dumps Nell, Trades Horse in on New Harley Then Goes in Search of Snidely Whiplash to "Kick His Mustachioed Butt"
• Orkin Man Accidently Incapacitates Spiderman During Routine Pest Control Job
• Batman Trades in Batmobile for New Batprius
• Nemo's Nautilus Only Able to Go 10-15 Leagues Under the Sea: Disappointing Design Flaw
• Caspar Not That Nice: Dumps Wendy the Witch for Daphne of Scooby Doo Fame
• Truth Comes Out: Popeye HATES Spinach; Prefers Mandarin Oranges
• Mickey Mouse's Squeaky Voice Result of Low Testosterone Levels: Minnie: "This explains a lot."
• Superman: I LIKE Wearing Spandex All The Time
• Captain Kangaroo Actually Wallaby
• Mr. Rogers Wanted to Replace "Trolley" with MagLev Monorail
• Pack of Velociraptors Blamed for Flintstone Disappearance in Bedrock Massacre
• Cookie Monster Originally Slated to be Bloody Hunks of Raw Harp Seal Meat Monster
• Sesame Street's "Count" Deported: Expired Visa
• Judy Not Really George Jetson's Daughter!
• Last Episode of "Lost" Originally Scripted to Include Cast of "Gilligan's Island" in Bizarre Crossover Plot-Twist
• David the Gnome Paid Informant for Hobbits
• Elmo Snaps: Tells Kids "Quit &^$# Tickling Me! It's %$@+ˆ©¥ Creepy!"
• "Stone" in Sword and the Stone Dicovered to be Just a Large Buttermilk Biscuit. Arthur Abdicates Amid Riots
• Cinderella's Shoe Shatters: Suffers Severe Lacerations to Left Foot
• Wonder Woman Files Sexual Harassment Suit Against JLA: Says "That Aquaman is a predator!"
• BP Oil Spill Threatens Sponge Bob's Home Reef
• Ronald McDonald Frustrated Poet: No One Takes Me Seriously
• Diabetes Cases Soar Among Oompa Loompas: Wonka Faces Medical Insurance Nightmare
• Eccentric Hermit Woman Found Dead in Woodland Home: Hansel and Gretel Sought For Questioning
• Nostradamus Admits: "I was plastered on cheap meade while writing most of those Quatrains. I didn't know what the heck I was doing."
• Rust Slows Down Iron Man: Complete Suit Overhaul Needed
• Bullwinkle Did Not Have Enough Credits to Graduate: Whatsamatta U. Revokes Diploma
• Little Orphan Annie, Graduates form UC Berkeley, Disavows Daddy Warbucks as "Merchant of Death"
• Lassie Gets UTI, Ruins Timmy's Bedspread
• King Kong and Godzilla Team Up to Remake Classic "Road" Movies
• Incredible Hulk's Purple Pants Finally Give Out: Hulk Arrested for Indecent Exposure. "It was just a matter of time, I guess," says Captain America
• DNA Test Prove That X-Man "Wolverine" Is Actually Badger
• Scarlet Letter Found to be a "Z": Hester Prynne was Zombie!
• APB Sent Out for Dorothy Gale: Listed as Prime Suspect After Being Seen Fleeing Murder Scene in Western Oz.
• New Finding on Zapruder Film Confirms Charlie Brown as Second Gunman on "Grassy Knoll" During JFK Assassination

That's the kind of news I'd like to read.