Sunday, May 22, 2011

History Lessons for May 22.

And just to prove that my brain is completely in neutral, I give you HISTORY for May 22, as found on

334 BC: Alexander the Great's army whups Darius III of Persia in the Battle of Granicus. Later, Alexander would say that this battle was not really fair because Darius III, half way through the fight, cried "Do Over!", but Alexander never payed heed.

1176: The Assassins (aka: Hashshashin) tried to kill Saladin. Historians believe the plot failed because of the Hashshashin were doped up on Ecstasy instead of Heroin due to a supply bottleneck in Detroit.

1377: Pope Gregory XI issued five papal bulls to denounce some Protestant reforms. He also issued three papal goats, a papal rooster and five papal llamas for good measure and to really make his feelings known.

1807: Most of the English town of Chudleigh is destroyed by fire. As a result, the boy's name, "Chudley" never regains its former popularity in English speaking countries.

1826: The HMS Beagle departs for its first historic voyage. There were supposed to be four or five HMS Beagles setting sail that day under the command of Adm. Tallihoe and they were slated to chase down the USS Fox.

1840: The transporting of British convicts to Australia is abolished. They were all diverted to Baltimore instead.

1843: Thousands of people and their cattle start to head West via wagon train from Independence, MO to what will be known as the Oregon Territory. Any person NOT directly descended from these pioneers will NEVER be considered NATIVE OREGONIANS. Just the way it is. Sorry.

1897: The Blackwall Tunnel under the River Thames is opened. Then someone said, "Hey, wouldn't it be a whole lot cheaper if we just, you know, built a BRIDGE?"

1906: The Wright Brothers are granted a US patent for their "Flying Machine". Their younger and more business savvy cousin, Larry Wright, had already copyrighted the term "airplane" the previous month.

1915: Lassen Peak, a volcano in N. California, blows up. Mt. St. Helens takes notes.

1939: Germany and Italy sign the "Pact of Steel". This was more binding than the previous treaties known as the Pacts of Aluminum, Hardened Cake Frosting and Balsa Wood.

1942: Mexico enters WWII on the side of the Allies. A huge sigh of relief as EVERYONE was worried which side they would go.

1960: An earthquake measuring 9.5 on the MMS strikes Chile. Most of the country slides off into the Pacific Ocean, but no one can tell.

1964: President LBJ announces his major goals for his Great Society program. Chief of which is "Party Hats for Everybody!"

1969: Apollo 10's Lunar Module flies only 8 miles above the Moon's surface. Pilot Eugene Cernan was heard to say, "Missed it by THAT much."

1980: Namco releases an arcade game called "Pac-Man". Couch potato suddenly became a lifestyle choice.

1992: Johnny Carson does his final stint as the host for "The Tonight Show". No one has really cared since.

1992: (Same year as the above event, but not nearly as important) Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia and Slovenia join the UN. It's OK, though, as no one can tell them apart or find them on a map anyway.

2003: Annika Sörenstam becomes the first woman to play in the PGA Tour. The Good Ol' Boys that comprise the board of the PGA thought they were hiring a new "Sweet Thang" to fill their glasses with Sweet Tea and Bourbon. Imagine their surprise.

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