Sunday, May 1, 2011

Things to do or say during a business meeting.

1. Remember, whenever possible, use quotes from Winnie the Pooh to make your point. E.g. “As Winnie the Pooh would say, ‘Tut, tut, looks like rain.’”

2. You don’t know it, but that guy across from you, Mr. All Business, likes to watch Teletubbies. Alone. :shock:

3. It’s important to remember that in the corporate world, never let them see you sweat. Drooling, however, is OK.

4. Don’t forget to do that “stare at the ceiling to see how many people you can get to look, too” trick.

5. Ask the presenter if they can translate what they just said into your native tongue. Then choose some ancient dialect like Chaldean or Sanskrit.

6. Make today Opposite Day. If they get frustrated, tell them that Opposite Day was scheduled waaaay before the conference.

7. Whenever they ask you do do something, tell them that you have to have a consultation first. Then start talking into your purse or a binder, whatever, and then give an answer.

8. If the ask if anyone has questions, raise your hand (ala Horschak) and ask random questions. Is that a wig? Did your mom make that tie? etc.

9. Make up various and bizarre allergies as excuses why you can’t do something. Allergic to toner is one of my faves.

10. End every statement with “...or, as my dog would say, ‘Bark.’”

11. Ask everyone if they’re pregnant. Over and over again. Male or female. Twice in the same conversation.

12. Ask bizarre political questions at odd times: “So, you’re saying you would vote for Nixon to a third term? even if he’s dead?”

13. There is no shame in playing tabletop football during a meeting. There is, however, ample shame if you insist on being the Detroit Lions.

14. Why you tell them that something’s a bad idea, reference to the fall of Tyre in 336 BC and say that’s what THEY did.

15. If challenged, accuse the challenger of being an un-American fascist.

16. Act uber paranoid. Before speaking, cover up something like it has a listening bug. Talk like a spy: The Dogs run in June. Then wink knowingly.

17. Go totally OCD. Say you simply cannot continue until so and so straightens out their paper pile or combs their hair.

18. Go off on cheese tangents while speaking. Start talking about one thing, but end up talking about how beautiful provolone is.

19. Make is so every answer is highly classified and you can’t answer for fear of breaching national security.

20. Duck as you go through doorways. Explain to anyone that asks that you were a basketball star in a former life and you can’t seem to break the habit.

21. Get indignant and say, “Who used the black toner to copy these papers? I specifically asked for purple ink!”

22. Whenever possible, start each sentence with, “This reminds me of that Star Trek episode where....” then make up some weird plot line that has no context with the conversation.

23. Pick a random person in the meeting. Ignore them completely.

24. Repeatedly ask if it’s time for nachos yet.

25. Refer to yourself in the Royal Third Person. “We are not amused.” etc.

26. Make every attempt to tell people how much better things were in the Old Country.

27. Hold every piece of paper up to the light like you’re looking for hidden messages.

28. If someone disagrees with you, challenge them to a duel. “Swords at dawn.”

29. Take and record your pulse rate every three minutes.

30. Every so often, back away from the table and conduct a series of office chair yoga moves. Or Tai Chi.

31. Frequently ask if “this will be on the test.”

32. Keep telling the person waaay across the table to stop kicking you.

33. Every time a policy comes up, tell them that it was negated by the Treaty of Versailles.

34. “Wait, is this in English? Is nothing here done in American?”

35. Keep asking if it’s nap time yet or when the graham crackers and milk are coming.

36. “Sounds good, but what does the Dalai Lama have to say about this?”

37. Crumble up all your paperwork into tight little balls and say that it’s Office Stress Origami.

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