Thursday, April 28, 2011

Royal Wedding Madness!!

Well, it's here. There's no way to avoid it now. The Royal Wedding is upon us. Oh, there's going to be frenzy, no doubt about it. Pomp, check. Circumstance, check. Really big hats, check.

Although Americans fought and won a vicious and protracted war two centuries ago against the UK, we still have an obsession with all things royal. Case in point, Princess Diana is still a Rainmaker to the cover of People magazine. Right up there with "The World's 50 Sexiest Industrialists and Cabana Boys."

OK, maybe "obsession" is a strong word. There are those of us that are still suffering a hangover from the Charles/Diana regalia almost exactly 30 years ago. (Yeah, 30 years.) There are probably some of us that aren't all that excited about the upcoming nuptials like others would be. I've seen more people camped outside "Best Buy" waiting for the new iPad than were camped out waiting for a good spot for the Royal Entourage parade.

Those of you that are looking forward to all the ritual and glitter that comes with a royal wedding, good on you. (Any bets that Prince Harry will meet some gal and get married in a small chapel officiated by a British Elvis?)

There are many of you that are NOT looking forward to the wedding, either because your invite got lost in the post, or you hate weddings or you're not looking forward to the months and months and months of tabloid coverage with various headlines like "Prince William Discovered to Be Lizard Person!" "Kate Has Affair With Bat Boy" or "Aliens Confer Royal Gifts to Newlyweds", etc.

If you're one of those that loathe the brouhaha that will come from all this, here is a list of things that you can do that would be a better use of your time.
  • Watch reruns of the Charles/Diana wedding and tell yourself, "Well, THAT turned out well."
  • Write a new Declaration of Independence to Prince William on behalf of the United States. You know, just to reaffirm our intentions with the upcoming Monarch.
  • Do damage to your brain with a spoon.
  • Start an office pool to see what child they will have first: Boy, Girl or some mutated Human/Bat Boy thing.
  • Watch your cable PPV channel to see if they will air the "QEII/Camilla Wedding Smackdown". Oh, yeah. It's gonna happen.
  • Tell your gullible coworkers that the Royal Couple will be spending their Honeymoon in the _______ State Park. (use a State Park that is very close to you.)
  • Send flowers to yourself at work with a big card that says, "Sorry we missed you at the wedding. Hope to see you soon. Will & Kate"
  • Spend hours imagining how fun it would be if a couple thousand Harley riders joined in on the procession in full Sturgis leather riding gear.
  • Try to bribe the Bishop of Canterbury to do the vows like the guy in "Princess Bride" "Wuv... twoo wuv, wiw fowwoah you fowevah"... (OK, YOU try to spell that out phonetically)
  • Crash as many local weddings in your area as you can, wearing a shirt that says, "Too Bad Your Wedding Will Be Forever Overshadowed By That OTHER Couple."
  • Take shots of the Royal Wedding from online and Photoshop yourself in as many of them as you can. Sitting next to the Queen, giving the Bishop "bunny ears", kissing the bride, etc.

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