Friday, June 17, 2011

Things I'm Not Able To Do

I've recently made a discovery. Parents can, supposedly, order their kids with option packages. Ever see those super genius kids? Able to do calculus when they're 6? That kid's parents planned ahead and ordered the √úberMath option package. Those kids that can play any instrument? The Musician package.

Apparently, Mom and Dad, when it came to ask for the additional bonus packages for their son, opted out for the base model.

Here are some of the things that they DIDN'T get:

Polaris Orientation Package: This is the package that allows a person to be able to identify True North at any time, anywhere. A person with the POP can be standing in some unknown area, be spun around a thousand times, buried head first into soft peat and have their brains replaced with Lime Jell-O and they can still point to North. I can find North. I can. It just takes me a while. And a compass.

Wrench Identification Module: If the parents pick this option, the kid will be able to look at ANY nut or bolt and say, "Oh, that's an 11/32." Another person could hold up any wrench at random, hold it up about 15 feet from the individual with WIM and the gifted one will be able to tell if it's a 11mm or a 1/2 inch wrench. Me? If I'm working on something, I have to bring every wrench I own to the project cuz I couldn't pick out the correct wrench if it was standing in a police line-up with the Three Musketeers.

Sighting Wildlife Option: This is a biggie. A person with SWO will be walking along some trail, look up and say, "Hey, look! An elk is on that hillside." "Where?" you ask. "Up there. On that hill." The hill to which they refer is over 50 miles away, covered in thick Old Growth and smothered in fog. Slightly frustrated, you say, "What? Where? THAT hill? In the other time zone?!" "Yeah," SWO says, "you can't see it? It's a four point." As a point of reference, my wife, Lisa, has SWO.

Building Giftedness: The one blessed with BG is the one that can build just about anything. I could walk up to a BG, like Jim, and say, "Whatcha working on?" To which Jim would reply, "Oh, nothing much, eh? I've just built this V8 engine for my truck with toothpicks, some old croutons, a shot of whisky and a pair of old boxers. Took almost two hours to do, but it's worth it." I'm not a builder. I have a hard time building a sandwich. I'm one of those guys that can't hammer to save my life. People that have BG can smash a nail into a 4x4 piece of solid teak lumber with one hit. I try to hammer and the area surrounding the nail will look pulverized while the nail is unscathed.

Car Identification Talent: Ever been around that person that can see a small piece of metal and then say, with total confidence, "That's from the bell housing of a 1958 Nash Rambler." Or they can see a Corvette and tell you what year it was built, where it was built and the name of the guy that built it. They can see a part of a car, like just the tail end, four blocks away and tell you what year, make and model of car it was just by the shape of the tail light. I can tell you it's a... car. It has wheels, mostly. Or, if I'm feeling really spunky, it's a truck. To prove that I'm not beyond hope, I've recently learned the term, "Dually".

Knife Sharpening Ability: This may not seem like much, I agree, but my dad had KSA. He could take a potato chip, any kind of potato chip, you choose, and pull out the sharpening brick thingy. Within two minutes, he would've put an edge on that chip that could slice Uranium. He could fillet fish just by showing the dead thing the knife. I firmly believe that any one of Dad's knives would've cut Obi Wan Kenobi's light saber in twain. I used to watch Dad sharpen a knife and it was like watching an artist. I cannot sharpen knives. Oh, I'm passable, given the right equipment, but not nearly at the Black Belt level of Dad. There was a point in my life where, if a kitchen knife got too dull to use, it was just time to get another.

Threatening Capability: OK, sure, this doesn't seem like a great thing, but it would be nice, just once, to be able to turn on a threatening glare and scare the Holy Cheddar out of someone. I don't have size 15 shoes to wear. I'm not blessed with bulging muscles. Heck, I don't even have a jutting chin to use for intimidation. I'm not talking about walking through this life looking like a barroom brawl about to happen; that's different. I'm just saying that I'd like to have the TC to switch on if the occasion call for it. Enough to make the offending party soil themselves, if need be. Nothing much. Nowadays, if I happen to feel the need to look threatening, people think I'm having a stroke or I've got gas.


  1. What you are describing can be summed up in one word: Macguyver.
    Hilarious as always m'friend! :)

  2. What guy wouldn't want to be MacGyver? Well, OK, maybe not the mullet, but STILL. I even have a Swiss Army knife. I don't even know what half the stuff is for. Aaaand... it's not very sharp anymore. :/