Friday, July 24, 2009

Random Ten Counts:

Newspaper headlines in Storybook Land:
  1. Red Riding Hood's Run In With Vice Sqaud!
  2. Little Mermaid Found in Trawl Net!
  3. Goldilocks Taken In For Questioning On Criminal Trespass Charge!
  4. Three Little Pigs Fined For Building Code Infractions!
  5. Repunzel Gets Stylish Hair Cut!
  6. Jack Before Senate Subcommittee In Bean-Gate!
  7. Wolf Found Guilty In Terrorism Case!
  8. Humpty Dumpty Blew .09 Before The Wall Incident!
  9. Sleeping Beauty Found To Have Insomnia!
  10. Bambi Joins the NRA!

The Second String Team for the Seven Dwarves:
  1. Drippy
  2. Scabby
  3. Flakey
  4. Wonky
  5. Shady
  6. Incendiary
  7. Crusty
  8. Fruity
  9. Screwy
  10. Lardy

How-To Books that will not be written any time soon:
  1. How-To Read!
  2. How-To Perform Blood Transfusions In The Back of a Greyhound Bus
  3. How-To Introduce Your Zombie Relatives Into Society
  4. How-To Learn Acupuncture with Bricks
  5. How-To Make Custom Made Dentures with Buick Carburetors and Leftover Meatloaf
  6. How-To Make Friends and Crush, Intimidate and Humiliate Your Enemies
  7. How-To Fence Stolen Goods In The Moroccan Black Market
  8. How-To Get Hair Like Donald Trump
  9. How-To Commit Felonies Without Really Trying
  10. How-To Survive a Barry Manilow Concert

Pet names that will not get you points with, well, anyone.
  1. Fluffy Twinkles
  2. Princess Ermiline
  3. Valdor the Destroyer
  4. Lord Stanley Bonkabonk, Earl of Soggybottom
  5. King Bladdervat
  6. Chief Stinky Greengass
  7. Bruce Bonecrusher
  8. Precious Penelope
  9. Kung Pao
  10. the Leg Lover

Things airline passengers should never overhear pilots say:
  1. What's that for? or What's that do?
  2. GAAA! It's blinking! Make it stop!
  3. Well, it just fell off.
  4. Huh, is there supposed to be hydraulic fluid all over that?
  5. Normally, I don't do opium while in the cockpit, but what the hey...
  6. Wait, no, that's not Nebraska.
  7. Whoa, you mean that's been upside down the whole time?
  8. The voices in my head tell me to go here instead.
  9. We're being followed. Hold on while I try to lose 'em.
  10. Hey! I thought YOU were flying!

Worrisome words doctors use:
  1. Lesion
  2. anything ending in -oma
  3. or -itis
  4. also -tosis
  5. Well, heck, anything Latin, really.
  6. Uh oh.
  7. Whoops
  8. Unprecedented
  9. Discomfort
  10. Incise

Things you shouldn't think about just before going to sleep:
  1. Things you CAN'T see in the dark
  2. Why your neighbor needs all those big, black garbage bags
  3. If it's possible to get a rash on the inside of your skin
  4. If TV and radio waves can go through your body, what program is invading you right now?
  5. How rich would you be if you kept all your Matchbox cars and baseball cards from when you were a kid
  6. What really caused that itch right then?
  7. Does anyone ever really understand what the lead singer from AC/DC is saying?
  8. What if, just what if Gettysburg went the other way?
  9. If you were to die right then, would your underwear be clean enough to keep Mom from being embarrassed?
  10. If I was fourteen, and I knew what I know now....

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