Saturday, July 4, 2009

Rules to Live By, Part II

More basic rules of life:

1. Monsters from Japan have to be radioactive.

2. Pens can only leak if you're wearing light colored clothing.

3. Any rearranging of furniture must be done after sunset, preferably after your normal bed time.

4. All sinus sprays must contain an ingredient that makes you feel like you just snorted ground glass.

5. A man on a WWII era Harley Davidson motorcycle is exactly 3.76 men.

6. A man astride a scooter is 1/8 of a man.

7. It follows that if that man on the scooter is trying to maintain highway speeds, he drops to 1/16 of a man.

8. Long hair on men is allowed. However, if that long hair makes the man look like a girl from behind, then it is strictly forbidden.

9. The more scars, the more interesting.

10. Unless those scars are from office supplies. In which case, no one really cares.

11. If you must go to a therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist, fine. This is not something to brag about to your friends. All the time. Every day.

12. Cat calls and wolf whistles, while in some circles are to be expected, have never produced a single date for any man. Ever.

13. Any tie that your father wore is not cool. Conversely, any tie that your grandfather wore, is so cool it's frosty.

14. Only the pretentiously and obscenely rich may use "Summer" and "Winter" as verbs.

15. "Autumn" and "Spring" cannot be verbed.

16. Naming your house something along the lines of "Oak Manor" or "Prembroke Hill" will not increase the property value. It will, however, make you look like a total doof.

17. One donut: Good. Two donuts: OK. Three donuts: Pushing it. Four or more donuts: Get help.

18. The average ratio of her luggage to yours is 3.4 to 1.

19. A person's ability to be annoying is directly proportional to how complex their coffee order.

20. Adding the rear spoiler/fin thing on the back of your little car will not increase your attractiveness to the ladies. It is not like bird plumage. It only gives us something to ridicule.

21. The letter "z" is not a suitable substitute for the letter "s".

22. If I can hear your stereo through your car window and through mine, it's too loud.

23. It follows that if the woofer for your car stereo is powerful enough to alter the beating of my heart, it's crossed the line from being irritating to be being an environmental hazard.

24. The moment you become concerned about people walking on your lawn is the moment you age fifteen years.

25. If it's on the menu and you cannot pronounce it, you must either, A. order something else or, B. leave and get something from Del Taco.

26. There is no shame in a well made tuna fish sandwich.

27. Those that feel the need to argue over the history and/or the interpretation of American Jazz should be publicly flogged.

28. If you find yourself in a discussion about the economy, it's OK to disentangle yourself from that conversation after 4.2 seconds.

29. Unless you've served in the military, you cannot complain about the military.

30. If you hear the phrase, "Takin' it to the next level", you're about to see something very stupid happen.

31. If your neighbor starts any noisy construction before 9 a.m., they cannot complain about the obscene words burned into their lawn the following night.

32. Shaving the name of your favorite team on your dog should land you in jail.

33. If the name of the team is the Raiders, it should be a felony.

34. If you announce that you're a big fan of Celine Dion, you will get some respect. But it will be hollow.

35. No matter what you do, you cannot upend a bag of chips into your mouth and look dignified at the same time.

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