Saturday, July 4, 2009

Sports Rules!

Sports Rules:

The trampoline is no more a sport than "kick the can" or "blind man's bluff".

If you're racing around in a NASCAR event, it's a sport. If you're racing around on an Interstate, it's annoying.

If you weep because your favorite football team lost the Super Bowl, you forfeit next season's watching privileges.

Getting the Olympic gold for the decathlon makes you 4.78 men. Oddly enough, getting the Olympic gold for men's figure skating makes you exactly .478 of a man.

If the car you race in NASCAR is sponsored by Tampax, Playtex or Stayfree pads, even if you win, there is no glory.

Professional football players can get away with wearing spandex uniforms on game day. You, however, cannot.

A female beach volleyball competitor, almost wearing a skin tight bikini, cannot complain about 17 year old boys eyeing her like a piece of meat.

You can be friendly. You can be competitive. You cannot be both at the same time.

Participating in Fantasy Football every year does not make you smarter/better/wiser than the coach. Ergo: Fantasy.

Memorizing the stats of every player on your favorite baseball team is not a very good use of brain power.

A hockey player that still has all his teeth isn't playing hard enough.

A girl that is 17 years old but has the body of a malnourished 12 year old is not a gymnast. She is a tragedy.

Unless your last name ends with "-eaux" or "-ski", the chances of you getting into the Hockey Hall of Fame are slim.

A little boy, sitting in the bleachers along the foul line with a mitt, eating a hot dog is the epitome of Americana.

Football players women find attractive, in order: Quarterbacks, Running Backs, Wide Receivers and Linebackers.

Least attractive: Guards, Tackles and the Center.

If your commute vehicle is a Zamboni, you need to take a break from the NHL.

You cannot drink a specialty micro brew beer at a NASCAR event and expect to get out alive.

The enormous foam cheese wedge you're wearing on your head will not garner you any points from the ladies.

Unless she, too, has an enormous foam cheese wedge on her head.

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