Friday, June 26, 2009

Rules to Live By

Some personal credos that I like to live by:

I'd go to a concert that features a band that I used to like back in the '80's. I'd even consider going to a concert that features a tribute band to that group of the '80's. But never to a tribute band to a tribute band. I draw the line there.

Peanut Butter is a pretty universal food. Except in omelets.

Never knock on a bathroom door and ask, "Hey, what're you doin' in there, huh?" Seriously, you don't want to know.

Dogs and cats, no matter how cute, are, at their very core, predatory carnivores. You, regardless how cute, are primarily made of meat. It would behoove you to never forget this, for it is certain that it is always foremost on their minds.

A comedic sketch that is very funny the first time will only be half as funny the next time you hear it. If you hear it again, it will only half again as funny. This continues until you hear it again for the tenth time. At that point, the sketch becomes a form of torture wherein you will confess to crimes you've never committed.

People who laugh at their grandmothers should be taken to clandestine locations and never heard from again.

OK. We all get it by now. The book is better than the movie. Always. I'm still gonna watch it.

If you're watching someone describe the sound of a tornado, chances are, the describer had a hard time graduating the fifth grade. But they sure do make a good tornado sounds.

There is nothing as frightening as watching an angry woman chop vegetables.

Spending the afternoon cutting down a huge bramble of blackberry bushes may be cathartic to you, but it will just tick them off.

Culture is everything. Especially if you're yogurt.

A man who brags about photos he took with a P&S is only half a man.

Ignorance is bliss. Conversely, vast bits of knowledge just tend to irritate other family members.

If you have to explain a cartoon, it still won't be funny to them.

Kelp is not a food. It is about as appealing as going out and gnawing on your lawn.

There is a very fine line between a nice and informative blog and an electronic soapbox for that whacked out guy at the park who wears two different kinds of shoes.

If you're a guy and you spend more than two minutes wondering which shoes to wear to the event, you've crossed over a very important Rubicon into a very scary land.

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