Our local Community College sent out the Spring Schedule. Here are a few of the offerings:

P.E.: Basic Personal Defense 1 credit Prof Larry Hendershott

Literature: Shakespearean Sonnet 3 credits Prof. Perceval Blakely-Smythe

P.E.: Serious Personal Defense 1 credit Prof. Larry Hendershott

Mathematics: Applied Differential Equations 3 credits Dr. Franklin Abercrombie

Mathematics: Deciphering the meaning of that Abercrombie class.

P.E.: Kicking In the Math Heads 1 credit Prof. Larry "the Cobra" Hendershott

Sciences: Amphibian Biology 2 credits Dr. S. Robert Scandeford

P.E.: Karate Slaps to Their Slimy Foreheads 1 credit Prof. Larry "the Cobra" Hendershott

Sciences: Astro Physics, Southern Skies 3 credits Prof. Betty Flanders

P.E.: Professional Flexing in Front of Astro Physics Babes 0 credits Prof. Larry "Buff Daddy" Hendershott

Military Science: Battle Plans of the Mongolians 3 credits Maj. Rock Hammer

P.E.: Ninja Skills Against Dry Military History Junk. 1 credit Prof. Larry "Stealth Cobra" Hendershott

Music: Men's Glee Club. 1 credit Todd McFarlane

P.E.: 10 Easy Moves Against Wimpy Singer Boys. 1 credit Prof. Larry "Macho Cobra" Hendershott

Science: Intro to Planetary Physics 3 credits Dr. Samantha Goodkind

P.E.: Manly Testosterone Fighting Poses 0 credits Prof. Larry "Ripped Cobra" Hendershott

Sociology: Interspatial Relationships Thru History. 3 credits Prof. Dean Crandofutt

P.E.: Using Ancient Martial Arts to Interspate Your Relationships 1 credit Prof. Larry "Sensitive Cobra" Hendershott

Political Science: Why Pumped-Up Phys Ed. Teachers Shouldn't Be Allowed a Free Hand with Scheduling. 3 credits Dean of Students Dr. George Planchett

P.E.: Successful Revenge Against Faculty 0 credits Prof. Larry "Rabid Cobra" Hendershott

Superhero names that never made the cut:

Mister Twister
Himacane (instead of hurricane? Get it? Him... Her) (this is funny stuff, you're supposed to laugh...)
Super Spineless
Fluffy
Cotton Jim
Vegetable Matter Man
Burlap Boy
Super Stutter
Grody Guy
Polyester Boy
The Terrible Texter
Viral Vixen
The Pontificating Procrastinator
Guffaw Girl
Mis Spelar
Massive Muscled Morphing Maven
Larry
The Greenhouse Gasser

I thought I'd resurrect the State motto thing again. I think my brain needs a leash.

AL: Bubba slept here
AK: We're freakin' HEE-UGE
AZ: In a land that's completely inhabitable, we built Phoenix.
AR: We don't have accents here. Y'all do. So there.
CA: Yeah, we're just weird like that.
CO: The snow. Never. Leaves. Ever.
CT: We live with Quaint on a daily basis.
DE: We have a very rich history of doing stuff you've never heard about.
FL: Those aren't really the Everglades. We're just sinking.
GA: Quit laughin' at us.
HI: People come from all over to have Heat Stroke here.
ID: We're the buffer state that keeps Washington and Montana from starting a war with each other.
IL: If you look closely, our state kinda looks like an arrowhead. Cool, huh?
IN: Of all the Flyover States, we're the most Flyoverer.
IA: We follow Indiana on the Alphabetical List of States.
KS: That whole Wizard of Oz thing is real. We just know it.
KY: Hillbilly isn't an option. It's genetic.
LA: We ARE the CAJUN CONTAGION!
ME: Rest easy, America. We're keepin' a sharp eye on that suspicious Nova Scotia.
MD: Annapolis. Where we train boys to become squids.
MA: We have that cool looking Cape Cod curly cue goin' for us.
MI: We've got more Great Lakes than anybody.
MN: We just barely survived the last Ice Age.
MS: Da ejuwkashun stayt.
MO: We're one of the fifty states.
MT: We're not just Big Sky Country, we're Big Dirt Country, too. 
NE: If nowhere had a middle, we'd be it.
NV: It's like we're this great big Sandbox of the US.
NH: Don't get us confused with Hampshire, which is in another country altogether.
NJ: The Statue of Liberty is OURS.
NM: Honestly, we don't have ranches here. We just fenced off large tracts of desert.
NY: You mean there are other states besides us?
NC: We're North Carolina, but, technically, we're still in the South. Mmmkay?
ND: They made a state but forgot to furnish it with anything.
OH: It's like we're saying, "Hi" between two big O's.
OK: We're the only state that has the initials that are just OK.
OR: It's where the cool people live.
PA: The Amish are coming! The Amish are coming!
RI: All thirty of us invite you to visit our state.
SC: We're much smaller than Alaska.
SD: We actually stopped being a state back in 1924, but no one noticed.
TN: A proud history of Elvis mania.
TX: We're big, we're overheated and we're dirty. Kinda like your weird uncle.
UT: Face it, there's just some scary things that happen here.
VT: With a capital named Montpelier, we have to be cool.
VA: We're one of the only two "V" states there are.
WA: Where it's soggy, and we like it!
WV: We give that Appalachian reputation the Oomph!
WI: If you're here, It's Brats and Beer!
WY: If you turn us upside down, we're still shaped like a square.

I think it's weird that the bag full of Frosted Animal Cookies has to tell you what animals are inside. Like, it has a Camel cookie on the front with a little banner below it that says, "Camel". As if some kid is gonna look at that and think, "Wow. That's a camel? Seriously? I coulda sworn that was a dromedary." Or, why should they impose their limits on my imagination? Huh? Who do they think they are? That's not a camel, that's a horse with a very serious kidney infection.

Things I would put into the vocabulary of a GPS unit, if I had the chance:

-You are so lost.
-No, no, NO! Your OTHER left!
-Whoa, well, that ain't right.
-At your next opportunity, jack slap yourself on the forehead for making that turn.
-Nope, my bad. Turn around, let's try that again.
-I don't want to go there. Input some other place.
-I give up.
-In four hundred feet, turn left and arrive at IMMINENT DOOM!
-Is that the fastest you can go? Geez.
-Dude, Coffee. Now.
-WATCH OUT! OK, drive on.
-The driver in the car behind you has some serious road rage. Just a warning.
-OK, listen very carefully, You're. Going. The. Wrong. Way.
-I've just reported your whereabouts to a secret Government agency.

Unofficial State Mottos, Part Deux:

Alabama: We live up to our stereotypes.
Alaska: We're cool. Really, really cool.
Arizona: Visit us in the Winter. Your Grandparents do.
Arkansas: Yeah, we know, but it's pronounced, "AHR-kin-saw". Don't ask why, we don't know.
California: Silicone: It's not just for the valley anymore
Colorado: We built a state where there's not enough oxygen.
Connecticut: It just sounds snobby, doesn't it?
Delaware: We were really something back in the 18th century.
D.C.: The only place where you break a Federal Law within three blocks from where it was made.
Florida: Actually, we're more like a big sandbar.
Georgia: We'll talk with y'all, but it'll take a while.
Hawaii: We build cities and our mountains melt them.
Idaho: We're more than just potatoes, but we're not really sure what.
Illinois: Where our streets are straight, and our State Government isn't.
Indiana: We're so wholesome it's disturbing.
Iowa: Keeping the world hopped up on corn syrup since 1846.
Kansas: We're that light blue square in the middle of your US map.
Kentucky: State elixir: Moonshine.
Loisiana: Well, NOW we know all about hurricanes.
Maine: Eccentricity is our birthright.
Maryland: And then, there's Baltimore....
Massachusetts: If you go into a dark bathroom, stand before the mirror and say, "Massachusetts" three times fast, you'll turn into a Kennedy.
Michigan: Buy our cars, or we take your tax dollars; either way, we're good.
Minnesota: Keeping the Canadian hordes at bay for over 100 years.
Mississippi: There's a river with the same name right next to us. Jeepers.
Missouri: Mark Twain liked us. That's gotta count for something.
Montana: People like it here, and no one knows why.
Nebraska: Nothing ever happens here. It's the Law.
Nevada: Come in! Gamble! Get drunk! Get married to people you don't even know!
New Hampshire: Come watch presidential candidates act like fools for our 4 electoral votes.
New Jersey: Not so much a state as it is an attitude.
New Mexico: By now, it's more like Middle Aged Mexico.
New York: We welcome people from all over the world and let them drive our taxis.
North Carolina: We showed the movie "Deliverance" more as a documentary.
North Dakota: A whole lotta nothin' going on.
Ohio: We're Middle Classy.
Oklahoma: We're the only state with a real looking panhandle.
Oregon: Where Weird lives.
Pennsylvania: We've got "-slyvania" at the end of our name. How cool is that?
Rhode Island: You can tour the entire state and still be home in time for lunch.
South Carolina: Proud 400 year history of growing stuff that turns your lungs into charcoal briquettes.
South Dakota: We're the Anti-Hawaii.
Tennessee: Home of St. Jack Daniels.
Texas: Someday, we'll make good on all that boasting.
Utah: When we say, "Lake," we mean, "Big, Dry, Flat Place."
Vermont: We're more than just maple syrup. We also have Ben & Jerry's.
Virginia: We've got history oozing out of our Olde Towne.
Washington: Over here, our mountains blow up.
West Virginia: Here, you're family. No, really.
Wisconsin: Our main seasonal crop is Snow Drift.
Wyoming: Where tumbleweeds outnumber people.

State mottos that never made it to the final vote.

Alabama: Our Sweet Tea is really, really sweet.
Alaska: You don't need a refrigerator here.
Arizona: The Land is so inhospitable, it'll blow your mind.
Arkansas: Kinda like Kansas, but with an Ar attached.
California: Over here, nothing is real.
Colorado: Mountains? We got your Mountains right here.
Connecticut: Geez, that's hard to spell, isn't it?
Delaware: Just because you can't find us on the map, doesn't mean we're not important.
D.C.: Not really a state, but we have some stuff here.
Florida: Yeah, it's just that flat here.
Georgia: It's pronounced Jaw-jaw.
Hawaii: We really, really like vowels here.
Idaho: Spuds and Militias. Gotta problem wid dat?
Illinois: We grow presidents.
Indiana: We were just going to be Indian, but someone snuck in an "a" at the last minute.
Iowa: We epitomize "Flyover".
Kansas: Like Arkansas, but without that annoying "Ar".
Kentucky: Seriously, the grass here isn't blue.
Louisiana: We've turned drunkedness into an artform
Maine: Waaaay up in the right hand corner.
Maryland: We're the only state with "-land" in our name. We're just that cool.
Massachusetts: Don't worry, we can't spell it right either.
Michigan: We're so neat, we're broke in two.
Minnesota: Swedes R Us
Mississippi: Lookit all dem letters.
Missouri: There's a reason it sounds like Misery.
Montana: Lots and lots of dirt.
Nebraska: Right. In. The. Middle.
Nevada: We bury stuff here that you don't want to know about.
New Hampshire: Oregon has counties bigger than us.
New Jersey: We don't do beaches. We have shores.
New Mexico: Kinda like Mexico, but newer.
New York: Look, there's a lot more here than that city.
North Carolina: We're North of that other Carolina state.
North Dakota: Honest, there's really nothing here.
Ohio: We make bowling look cool.
Oklahoma: We're kinda oily, but in a good way.
Oregon: God's acre.
Pennsylvania: We made it possible for the Amish and Pittsburgh to be in the same state.
Rhode Island: Slightly bigger than your backyard.
South Carolina: We're South of that other Carolina state.
South Dakota: Mt. Rushmore. 'Nuff said.
Tennessee: We're trying to confine Country Music. Honest.
Texas: Bigger egos for no real good reason.
Utah: We grow red rocks here.
Vermont: We make up the other half of that New Hampshire/Vermont polygon.
Virginia: We make "Commonwealth" sound cool.
Washington: We like rain.
West Virginia: We'd like to thank the Civil War for birthing us.
Wisconsin: We make enough cheese to make the world constipated. Think about it.
Wyoming: Is there anyone still here?